It had been one confusion after another since coming to this house. Among them all, this moment was the most bewildering. We were clearly having a conversation, but I couldn’t understand a word he was saying.
“That was before we were dating. Then why were you crying like that on the street?”
“Was I? I thought you were some kind of incredibly free spirit.”
“……”
No, is he crazy? Who’s calling who a free spirit? I frowned without realizing it, feeling offended. Jiwoo, who had been staring at me intently, chuckled and said,
“I was crying on the street because people suddenly swarmed in droves. It was too noisy. I was on my way to your house. I was incredibly excited, so I guess I let my guard down.”
What is he talking about? And why is he suddenly laughing?
“In the past, that level was still okay, you know? But after meeting you, I can’t stand it anymore. Um, how should I put it…”
“……”
“Like a washing machine… maybe? I mean, when you don’t have a washing machine, you don’t know hand washing is hard, right? Because you’ve always lived that way. But then a washing machine was invented. You try it and it’s incredibly convenient. If you only do laundry with a washing machine and then go back to hand washing, how would that be? It’d be hard, right?”
He’s trying hard to explain somehow, but I have no idea what he’s talking about. I stared blankly at Jiwoo before asking sourly,
“Have you ever hand washed anything?”
“No. Anyway, you’re like a washing machine. When I didn’t have one, I lived without it, but once you try it, you can never go back to before using it.”
“……”
“I can’t do it anymore. Hand washing.”
Jiwoo’s expression was quite serious. It didn’t seem like he was joking either. It’s not a bad thing, it seems like he meant it in a good way… Suddenly, I remembered Jiwoo’s face as he sat alone sobbing.
That appearance—completely soaked in cold sweat with dilated pupils, not knowing what to do—wasn’t a lie. No matter how good an actor is, they couldn’t fake such physical phenomena through acting.
“Is it a bit… difficult when there are many people?”
Is it something like panic disorder? Watching me ask cautiously, Jiwoo nodded.
“Yeah, similar.”
“Even when we went to the department store before, you looked a bit unwell. You suddenly turned really pale…”
“It was hard then too, but… until then, it was still okay. I was still doing hand washing in parallel.”
What’s with that damn hand washing… Anyway, if it was a mental issue, I could somewhat understand why he was this desperate. Even if it wasn’t full-blown panic disorder, I’d experienced symptoms similar to social anxiety before.
Usually, mental illnesses are in a realm that can’t be overcome by willpower alone.
I had many questions—whether he was going to the hospital, taking medication, receiving proper treatment—but these weren’t questions I could easily ask. If his symptoms were that serious, I had no choice but to assume he was managing well on his own.
“Does it get better when you’re with me? So that’s why you said all that stuff about fatigue recovery and whatnot.”
“Calling it fatigue recovery is an understatement—it’s better than that. Maybe like a panacea.”
“I’m honored. But why does being with me make you feel better?”
Come to think of it, Jiwoo had been talking about fatigue recovery since shortly after we met. I could understand that someone’s chaotic mind might be calmed by another person, but shouldn’t that someone at least be in an incredibly deep relationship with them?
“I’ve been thinking about it, you know?”
Jiwoo said with a serious expression, propping his chin. I became serious too and listened attentively to his words.
“What if you’re something like my guardian angel?”
But what came out of his mouth was nonsense.
“You are human, right? I won’t tell anyone, so just be honest with me. I don’t have friends and not many people I’m close with around me. There’s absolutely no way your secret will leak, okay?”
I sighed, straightened my back, and leaned against the chair’s backrest. Then I crossed my arms and opened my mouth.
“That’s what I want to ask you. Are you really human, Lee Jiwoo-ssi? You’re not like a ghost or something? Or a shaman.”
“What shaman, all of a sudden? And if I were a ghost, would you be able to see me?”
“Then why did you take my hair?”
“I thought maybe being with your hair would calm me down a bit too. But it had no effect at all, so I just threw it away.”
“What? You threw it away? No, after making such a fuss asking for it…!”
That crazy bastard! I almost cursed, so I quickly cleared my throat.
“Wait, are you asking if I’m a shaman just because I asked for your hair?”
Jiwoo asked as if dumbfounded, wondering who should be the bewildered one right now.
“Then why would you need hair? Only when cursing someone!”
“Why would I curse you? If anything, I’d bless you. And if you were so afraid I’d curse you, why did you give me the hair in the first place? You could have just not given it.”
“I gave it because Lee Jiwoo-ssi asked for it.”
I stopped mid-sentence and suddenly realized. That this was the perfect opportunity to naturally confess my feelings.
“Because I like you!”
“What?”
“I just gave it even though it was weird because the person I like asked for it…”
“……”
I pretended to be flustered and mumbled. It was definitely not bad timing and the lines seemed okay, but for some reason, Jiwoo’s expression hardened.
Not just expressionless, his brow furrowed. Seeing that, a chill ran down my spine. Was it too childish? Did I sound like a kid? No, fuck, even so, isn’t it rude to show it so blatantly in your expression?
Feeling embarrassed, I cleared my throat and added,
“If you need it again, just let me know.”
I said anything because I had nothing to say, but Jiwoo coldly retorted,
“I don’t need it anymore. I told you it was completely useless.”
“Ah, yes. Anyway… are you done eating?”
“Just leave it. Someone will come tomorrow and clean it up.”
“You told them not to come tomorrow. The day after too.”
Whether he’d forgotten, Jiwoo’s eyes widened with an “Ah.” And it’s just a few dishes—you’re leaving them on the table? It’d take 5 minutes to wash them.
I sighed inwardly and cleaned up. Without helping, Jiwoo just loitered beside me, then suddenly hugged my waist from behind.
He was pressed against my back, so my waist naturally bent forward slightly.
“Seoun-ah.”
I was seriously contemplating whether to tell him to get off because he was heavy when Jiwoo called me. His voice was so deep it gave me goosebumps on the back of my neck.
“Want to live with me?”
He frowned like that earlier and snapped at me, and now so suddenly?
“Seogong can come too.”
He hastily added, perhaps sensing I would refuse.
“…Seogong too?”
“Yeah, it’s fine. There are many rooms. The third floor is empty, so you can use all of that. Or there’s another building next to the parking lot—that’s fine too. The entrance is different, so you’ll hardly run into each other. I don’t want Seogong to be uncomfortable.”
What is he saying? I turned my head, gripping the edge of the sink with my wet hands. Jiwoo slipped away from my back and looked at me.
“Are you serious?”
“Yeah. You can’t come alone, can you? Because you like Seogong. So come with Seogong. He needs to recuperate after being discharged. You need to manage his diet too. I’ll call someone for you.”
It was like the devil’s whisper. Thinking only of Seogong, it was an offer almost like winning the lottery, so I was momentarily tempted but came to my senses.
Of course, if a sick kid stayed in such a nice house, he might recover faster. It’s not cold here, no cold wind comes in, and if there’s someone to manage his daily meals…
But Jiwoo and I were destined to part ways definitively someday. It wouldn’t be a natural or amicable breakup either—surely our ending would be the worst of the worst.
Even if I was lucky enough that Jiwoo never learned my identity, once this job was over, there would be no reason for me to see him anymore.
Suddenly, I remembered the hand washing and washing machine Jiwoo had mentioned. If you only hand washed and didn’t know the hardship, but then used a washing machine once, the hand washing you did without a second thought would feel too difficult.
Jiwoo was that kind of person to me. This house was no different from a washing machine, dryer, and dishwasher to me.
“Don’t want to?”
When I remained silent for a long time, Jiwoo asked gloomily. I stared at his hazel eyes intently before lowering my gaze and smiling awkwardly.
“That house is where we’ve lived since we were little.”
“I know from what I’ve heard.”
“So it’s a bit hard to leave. Seogong doesn’t want to move either.”
“Then you can just go back and forth between here and there.”
What kind of money-wasting is that? Why would we need two houses?
