“I want you to do everything you want to do. It’s okay, Haeyoung-ah. I’ll help you do that.”
“……”
What should I do? I like you so much I could die.
Instead of the words he couldn’t bring out because they were outside, Haeyoung looked at Seonwoo. Watching Haeyoung’s face looking up at him with his lips pressed tight, Seonwoo let out frivolous giggles. Even without saying it in words, the two could read each other’s hearts sufficiently.
“So what do you need? Hm?”
“It’s fine. I’m grateful, but I can handle this much myself.”
“Why does Haeyoung hate it even when I say I want to help… We’re going to get married anyway.”
“Why does it turn into that again? And I don’t hate it.”
Haeyoung stopped talking and closed his mouth. At times like this, he couldn’t help but realize that his and Seonwoo’s environments were different.
It wasn’t that Seonwoo wouldn’t understand if he explained, but he didn’t particularly want to speak with his own mouth about his lacking side. Haeyoung shook off the mood that was trying to sink a little and let out a short sigh. Then he turned his body and said to him firmly.
“Hyung, don’t go around co-signing for anyone. Got it? And if someone asks to borrow money, ask me first.”
“What?”
“I know you’re rich, but hyung, you have a tendency to spend money too easily. Money disappears when you spend it.”
“It doesn’t disappear though…”
“Wow, that statement just now was kind of annoying… I definitely have to marry you, hyung.”
At Haeyoung’s admiration, Seonwoo answered “Really?” and smiled broadly. Then he called Secretary Kang and asked him to prepare documents for immigration. It was only natural that Haeyoung was horrified and snatched the phone from Seonwoo.
The worries about his career path were resolved more easily than expected. Upon receiving the acceptance notification from the graduate school he applied to, the scales that had been taut until then quickly tilted to one side.
Fortunately, he received a scholarship, so the burden of the first semester’s tuition was lightened. As soon as he had some breathing room, the first person Haeyoung contacted was none other than his father. Since he had planned to meet Seonwoo tomorrow, Haeyoung was in quite an excited state.
Even while making the call, he had no confidence that his father would answer. He hadn’t answered when he called to tell him he’d been accepted to university either. But it was okay. If he saw Seonwoo rejoicing as if it were his own achievement, that alone would be enough for Haeyoung.
However, he who had let go of expectations that the call would connect straightened his back in surprise when the ringing connection tone unexpectedly cut off.
“Dad!”
A delighted voice called out to the other person. However, the sounds coming through the receiver were mixed with miscellaneous noises, making it hard to understand easily.
— Is that Haeyoung? What’s the occasion for you to call?
President Yoon, you have to accept a drink! Hey, where are you going? Just a moment, it’s a call from my son, hahaha.
The noisy surroundings were fully conveyed through the speaker. Haeyoung sensed a drunken haze in his father’s voice that he was hearing after a long time. An inexplicable anxiety rose up from Haeyoung’s feet.
Everything had been going well. However, the premonition that had felt entirely smooth turned into a strange sense of discord in an instant.
“Have you been… drinking?”
— A little. I drank a little. Thanks to you, my business funds are more than sufficient so I can breathe, you know. Our son is quite the filial son, a filial son.
“What?”
Words that weren’t easy to understand continued. While he was in a daze, a completely unexpected name stuck in Haeyoung’s ears. Perhaps because he was quite drunk, his pronunciation was slurring, but that name alone was clear.
— Who would have thought you knew the Hanje Corporation successor. Ah, I’m telling you it’s really Hanje, President Jang. They said Chairman Cha Gihyeon’s son is close with our son.
It seemed he was with other people, as unfamiliar voices mixed in ceaselessly. So President Yoon’s money source was there. You caught a big fish? Hey, it’s probably bragging, Hanje isn’t some neighborhood mart. Among the words that popped up sporadically, familiar words left a big mark in Haeyoung’s mind.
Hanje Corporation, successor, Chairman Cha Gihyeon’s son. There was only one person those modifiers could point to.
Cha Seonwoo.
“…Seonwoo hyung? How does Dad know Seonwoo hyung?”
The anxious energy that had been lingering at his feet gradually climbed up Haeyoung’s body. It couldn’t be. It couldn’t be. He hadn’t heard anything. From him, nothing at all…
He didn’t want to believe it, but Haeyoung needed to know, and though he didn’t want to know, his mouth moved on its own to urge an answer.
“Did Seonwoo hyung give you money? Why? Why did hyung…”
— Haeyoung! Wait, that’s not…
“Dad, did you receive… money from Seonwoo hyung?”
At his trembling voice, a commotion continued briefly beyond the receiver, then it quickly became quiet. Haeyoung bit his lip while holding the phone that was as quiet as a dead mouse, as if he’d left the noisy place.
However, the silence was brief. His father begged him not to tell Seonwoo. The drunkenness from just moments ago was nowhere to be found in his desperate voice. He pleaded for mercy, saying they’d agreed not to tell, that if he found out he’d said something, he might demand the money back.
Please save me.
Hearing those words, Haeyoung somehow felt like his own throat was being strangled instead. Haeyoung, who had been holding his breath without realizing it, barely managed to exhale a breath that wouldn’t come easy.
— You’re happy that all the debt was paid off too, aren’t you? What’s good about saying it? Huh? Haeyoung-ah.
Thud. Haeyoung squeezed his eyes shut at the distant sensation of the ground beneath his feet collapsing.
As if to tell him that a bottom exists even in moments when there seems to be nothing left to crumble, tragic moments always come just when you let your guard down. He realized that thinking everything was getting better had been just his own delusion.
“…That money too, that as well… was it hyung who gave it?”
The voice that flowed out stumbling desperately hoped for a denial, but Haeyoung already knew the answer without hearing it. His head began to hurt as if someone had stabbed him with a sharp needle.
That he told him not to tell him. He seemed to know why, but that consideration made him feel betrayed instead. However, Haeyoung knew he had no right to feel betrayed by him.
Then who should I blame, who?
“How could you do that? How?”
Haeyoung stopped talking and bit his lip. His stomach was churning so much he couldn’t speak properly.
For the first time, Haeyoung felt resentful of his father. He resented Seonwoo too. But because what he hated most was himself, Haeyoung couldn’t blame anyone.
— Haeyoung-ah, listen to Dad…
“How could you… receive money from hyung, no, ugh, I, that I’m like this…”
He was the only person he didn’t want to let know.
Haeyoung hurriedly hung up the phone and sat down on the floor. Huk, huk. No matter how deeply he gasped for breath, he felt suffocated.
Yoon Haeyoung hated being indebted. If he borrowed a thousand won, he’d pay back two thousand the next day, and if a senior offered to buy him a meal, he’d happily freeload but then show up the next day with cake and coffee. Even if he didn’t get back as much as he gave to others, it was his personality to only feel satisfied when he returned more than what he’d received.
And Cha Seonwoo had continuously piled up debt on top of Haeyoung without him knowing. Of course, it wasn’t entirely his fault. Thinking about it, it was his own fault. His own fault for having nothing to give back despite receiving so much.
What can I give hyung? When I have nothing.
Haeyoung wanted to find an answer and solve the problem as he always did, but no matter how much he pondered, there was nothing he could give back to him. Even his own heart was more shabby than his.
Even when it became known that his household collapsed and he was living off Hajin’s family, Haeyoung wasn’t ashamed. Because what was important to Haeyoung was the people by his side, not the gazes of others. So if he lived diligently, he would be able to repay what he’d received from those around him.
That’s what Haeyoung believed in. The hope that things would get better. The self-esteem that had grown without being crushed based on that hope collapsed in an instant. The sound of it collapsing seemed to fill his eardrums completely, so Haeyoung had to run away for quite a while while hugging his knees.
In a world where there was nowhere to run.
[Seonwoo♥]
Looking at the name that appeared on the screen, Haeyoung finally couldn’t hold back and burst into tears. Even in this moment, because he liked him so much, that’s why he resented him. Because he missed him who had made him so miserable, he became even more horrible to himself.
What should I say when I see hyung… For the first time, Haeyoung lost confidence in facing Seonwoo.
***
Haeyoung, who had finished preparing to go out and stood in front of the entrance, raised his hand to press down his disheveled hair. His reflection in the mirror looked as disheveled as his hair. The traces of his reddened and swollen eyes were fully revealed.
He didn’t know how much time had passed since he hadn’t gone outside. He didn’t want to count how much time had passed since he last met with Seonwoo. He just felt a little ridiculous and a little irritated at the state that no one who saw him would think he was fine.
Because he was so shabby. That shabbiness seemed to say that running away from Seonwoo had been the right thing to do.
Haeyoung, who bit his lip while looking in the mirror, pulled down the black cap he was holding and left the house. He didn’t want to go out, but he had to go out. Because he had to keep living today too.
It was a spring day when he’d just entered graduate school and was busy adjusting. The season when promises to go here and there once spring came were piled up throughout winter—Yoon Haeyoung ended his five-year relationship with Cha Seonwoo.
