Under the gaze looking at him, Haeyoung couldn’t easily choose what words to say. Though it was the usual gentle voice, he could tell from the prickly words contained in it that his mood wasn’t very good.
Their gazes clashed for quite a while in the darkness. Seonwoo’s black eyes facing him were glimmering darkly. The vivid emotion contained in those strangely colored eyes was familiar enough to feel natural.
It was painful because it was familiar. Even though he shouldn’t, it still felt natural. Haeyoung parted his lips that had been clenched shut.
“…Hyung, your hand.”
A low, locked voice flowed from his mouth.
At the same time, Yoon Haeyoung raised his arm and carefully pushed away Seonwoo’s hand that had been touching him. At the careful but firm touch, the hand that had been digging into Haeyoung’s neck fell away powerlessly. It was the first moment the soft smile hanging on Seonwoo’s lips wavered.
Haeyoung keenly noticed that small change. His gaze that had been looking straight up at Seonwoo quickly fell downward. Somehow, if he made a sorrowful face right now, it felt like his heart would easily weaken.
“I told Hajin noona I’d be careful. It’ll be uncomfortable for you that I’m here too, hyung, but if we’re both careful, we can somehow get through it.”
“Haeyoung-ah.”
Seonwoo caught Haeyoung, who was speaking calmly without even making eye contact.
“Since when did we become people who had to be uncomfortable around each other?”
The slowly flowing voice was dry yet damp as if touched by terrible moisture. That weight somehow made Haeyoung hesitate.
Of course, there were naturally words to refute Seonwoo’s question. What else would they be if not an uncomfortable relationship? They dated for five years and broke up, so how could they not be uncomfortable with each other? It would be ridiculous to be as friendly as before when they weren’t even still dating but had broken up.
Moreover, if they had parted on good terms it would be one thing, but Haeyoung had avoided all his contact after the day he unilaterally notified him of their breakup. Meeting someone he had desperately avoided and pushed away in an unexpected place was naturally uncomfortable.
But Haeyoung, who didn’t want to pathetically lay out such feelings, answered as if exhaling a shallow breath.
“A relationship where we need to be careful with each other.”
“…Careful.”
Seonwoo muttered as if chewing on Haeyoung’s words. Even at such a small reaction, Haeyoung, who had paused, unnecessarily fiddled with the outer jacket draped over his shoulders to divert his attention.
However, the object he tried to divert his attention to didn’t refresh Haeyoung’s mood either. Because the fact that the owner of the clothes and the person who had directly draped them over him was Cha Seonwoo couldn’t be erased. Haeyoung spoke while putting strength into the corners of his mouth that kept trying to fall.
“I don’t want to argue with you about this kind of thing, hyung. And you weren’t originally this kind of personality.”
At Haeyoung’s words, Seonwoo tilted his head.
“Was I not?”
“You weren’t. Originally you were more affectionate and…”
Haeyoung swallowed the rest of his words, unable to spit them out. He almost spouted nonsense while rambling in his flustered state.
Because his gaze was lowered, all he could see was a straight nose bridge and tightly closed lips, but Cha Seonwoo could tell what Haeyoung was thinking just from that. A slightly mischievous feeling raised its head. Perhaps there was a bit of a desire to trouble Yoon Haeyoung, who wouldn’t look at him at all.
However, such feelings always lost to the feeling of not wanting to hurt Haeyoung even a bit. So Cha Seonwoo often wanted to cry. Though Yoon Haeyoung, who wouldn’t give him even a glance, wouldn’t know.
“Haeyoung-ah, are you telling me to break up and then asking me to treat you affectionately?”
Unlike the cold question, at the affectionate voice, Haeyoung put firm strength into his closed lips. He had nothing to say. Because it wasn’t wrong. So Yoon Haeyoung became a little upset. No, quite a lot.
He knew there was no reason he had to treat him affectionately. That was a fact Haeyoung knew best of all. He knew, but the only problem was that when he saw Seonwoo’s face, he couldn’t think rationally.
Haeyoung unknowingly hung his head. At that sight, it was rather Seonwoo who paused. He, who had reflexively reached out his hand, remembered the touch that had pushed him away and withdrew it with a sigh.
“Were you upset that I wasn’t acting like before?”
His low voice settled in Haeyoung’s ear. Haeyoung slightly furrowed his brow and shook his head.
“…It’s not like that.”
“I’m sorry.”
At the whisper-like apology, Haeyoung’s tightly closed lips parted slightly.
The readily flowing apology rather made his heart tumultuous. Because he knew it wasn’t something he should apologize for. He too would definitely be quite shocked if he heard that he was going on a dating program.
…Though he couldn’t imagine thoughtlessly following along to appear on it like Cha Seonwoo.
“I didn’t mean to upset you. I… guess I didn’t have much composure right now.”
At the words he heard, Haeyoung’s head snapped up in surprise. The expression on Seonwoo’s face that he encountered really looked dejected, and as he said, his disheveled face seemed to show his lack of composure. At the face that looked like it would cry if touched, Haeyoung’s hand twitched.
Cha Seonwoo cried as readily as he smiled. When he teased him asking why his tears were so cheap, he made excuses saying he was the only one who said such things to him. Even though he teased him like that, he himself also felt tender whenever Cha Seonwoo cried.
Though the relationship had changed, the essential things hadn’t changed. As always, Haeyoung was at a loss watching that forlorn face. And in the meantime, Cha Seonwoo slightly raised his gaze. The black eyes that had been hidden under long eyelashes swallowed up Haeyoung, who was looking at him again, as if devouring him. Compared to the pitiful expression that naturally induced guilt, the watching gaze was persistent.
Seonwoo heavily dropped his shoulders.
“When you say you’re going to live together with other people and date… how could I be in my right mind?”
“…I didn’t appear here to date.”
At Haeyoung’s attitude of bothering to correct him, Seonwoo raised his hand and covered his slightly curving lips.
“I know. You still like me.”
What… Haeyoung, who had been opening and closing his mouth in flustered feelings, swallowed an empty laugh and closed his mouth. He wanted to refute but his mouth wouldn’t open. At the gaze that seemed to ask “it’s not?”, Haeyoung silently turned his eyes away. If anything was fortunate, it was fortunate that he seemed to be in a better mood than before.
He could probably lie now and say he didn’t like him anymore. Considering what they’d have to spend in the same house going forward, he could probably brush it off playfully. However, he couldn’t speak at all because he was concerned about the expression Seonwoo would make at such a response.
‘Sorry, I… don’t like you anymore, hyung.’
That expression. Yoon Haeyoung still remembered the expression he made when he lied to Cha Seonwoo for the first and last time. At the deep despair and fear staining his pale face, Haeyoung rather felt like he himself was hurt. Ridiculously, Yoon Haeyoung was afraid of that.
“But just thinking that you might like someone else makes me want to die, what should I do. I don’t care what happens to this program, Yoon Haeyoung. To be honest… I just want to ruin it.”
Haeyoung’s shoulders unknowingly twitched and trembled. Cha Seonwoo captured that small movement in his eyes without missing it.
“But then you’d hate it. I’ll do as you say. So, Haeyoung-ah.”
He called to him in a soothing, gentle voice. At that affectionate call, Haeyoung’s stomach churned for some reason.
Seonwoo reached out his hand toward such a Haeyoung. His white, straight fingers lightly landed on Haeyoung’s shoulder, then soon gently grasped it.
“Let’s go inside first. You get cold easily, what if you catch a cold doing this.”
He had to admit it. That he was sharpening all his senses and reacting to each word flowing from Seonwoo’s mouth. Even now in this situation, Haeyoung became anxious about how he should get by going forward.
He had just gotten a little better.
He had just started to comfort himself that he could live without him a little, but it felt like everything had returned to square one. What should he do? He had no confidence at all that he could be unaffected while staying with him.
Haeyoung escaped from the terrace on a midwinter night and entered back inside, but he had to clench his still-trembling fist at the persisting cold. Until the nails digging into his palm left marks deep in his skin.
***
Haeyoung, who opened his eyes before the alarm even rang, stretched his hand toward his bedside to grab his phone. Then he rubbed his eyes and turned on the screen to habitually check the time. 6:40 AM.
Even though he wasn’t originally someone who didn’t sleep in, after starting his internship commute, his eyes naturally opened before even 7 o’clock. It was probably largely due to not letting go of his tension until he fell asleep. Still, it was good that thanks to moving in here, he was much closer to the law firm he commuted to and had considerably more free time.
He thought about sleeping a bit more, but with the sleepiness already gone, Haeyoung forced himself to get up his body that wasn’t refreshed from tossing and turning all night. The reason he couldn’t easily fall asleep was simple. It was because last night’s conversation wouldn’t leave his head and repeated over and over.
Haeyoung, who got up while trying his best not to give any glance toward the bed where Seonwoo would be lying, headed to the bathroom attached to the room. And he quickly washed up, changed clothes, came out, and quietly slipped out of the room.
“You’re up early.”
Haeyoung, who was crossing the hallway to go down the stairs, turned his head at the voice he heard.
The one who called him was Jaehwi, who was sitting on the sofa in the common area. He was sitting sprawled on the long sofa as if half lying down, and the book held in his hand immediately caught his attention. Haeyoung briefly checked the time on the phone he was holding.
7:10 AM. It was a time when the sun hadn’t fully risen yet and dim light was seeping in through the glass window as is. However, Jaehwi was sitting with a neat face reading a book. Though his somehow vague expression was still the same.
‘What? Is it a concept…?’
Haeyoung, who had been tilting his head in puzzlement, realized he still hadn’t answered Jaehwi’s words and belatedly let out a sigh. He nodded his head greatly as if to show he had no intention of ignoring him.
“Yes, I have to go to work now.”
“Have a good day.”
“Thank you…?”
To Jaehwi, who waved his hand with an indifferent face, Haeyoung unknowingly bowed his waist. And the corners of Haeyoung’s mouth, who turned around and came down the stairs, unconsciously lifted slightly. Perhaps because it had been a while, even the trivial greeting to have a good day made his mood improve quickly.
Haeyoung, who came down to the first floor and entered the dining room, draped his outer jacket over a dining chair and rolled up his sleeves. Not caring that his shirt wrinkled a bit, Haeyoung opened the refrigerator door and looked inside carefully before taking out a few ingredients.
The habit of definitely eating breakfast probably started from when he was living off Hajin noona. Jeong Eunmi, Hajin’s mother, prepared breakfast for Haeyoung from the time he first entered the house. When he skipped breakfast and went to school a few times because he felt sorry that she prepared breakfast without fail when even the uncle went to work without eating breakfast, one day she stopped Haeyoung as he was about to leave the house.
‘Haeyoung-ah, eat and go. Auntie just made it so it’s warm.’
Haeyoung, who already had many things to be sorry about, couldn’t refuse that offer. In the end, she took out various side dishes and spoke to Haeyoung, who awkwardly sat back down at the dining table.
‘Even if I can’t prepare it for you, don’t skip breakfast. Okay? You need to eat breakfast to endure the day solidly.’
Was it because her words that there’s nothing as sorrowful as going around hungry remained in his memory for a long time? Or was it because the warmth of the breakfast meals she prepared for him remained, Haeyoung tried to eat breakfast as much as possible even after he became an adult and moved out to live alone.
Haeyoung, who first put rice in the electric rice cooker, prepared the ingredients he’d taken out in the meantime. And while simply cooking soup, he checked the time occasionally. Thanks to the shortened commute time, he was clearly more relaxed than the past few days when he commuted from his studio apartment.
Come to think of it, Soyoon said yesterday that she liked Korean food. Since he prepared generously, the other cast members could eat too when they woke up. It should be delicious, and Haeyoung, who had been standing blankly, came to his senses at the sound from the rice cooker.
At the sound that cooking was complete, Haeyoung took out two bowls from the cupboard, filled them with rice and soup, and headed to the dining table. And the moment he sat down and tried to scoop rice with a spoon to put in his mouth, his gaze met head-on with someone coming down the stairs.
Ah.
Haeyoung, who discovered Seonwoo neatly dressed as if going to work, unknowingly paused and stiffened.
Unlike himself who definitely ate breakfast, Cha Seonwoo didn’t bother to eat breakfast if he wasn’t there. Though he learned that he originally didn’t eat breakfast much later, because he always woke up first and prepared his breakfast.
Haeyoung’s brow gradually furrowed as he looked at Seonwoo, who was clearly going to skip it again this time too. Why skip meals making people worry… Turn it off. Let’s turn it off, Yoon Haeyoung. A fierce battle was continuing in his head, but while hesitating like that, his mouth arbitrarily called out to stop him.
“Um.”
At the brief call, Seonwoo stopped as if it was natural. The corners of Haeyoung’s eyes, who hesitated after calling out, gradually lowered.
Really stupid Yoon Haeyoung, foolish Yoon Haeyoung, pathetic leech-like Yoon Haeyoung. Why can’t you cleanly shake off your lingering attachment? While internally hitting his own head repeatedly, Haeyoung continued speaking as if it was nothing.
“Eat breakfast before you go. …Please.”
