Get a grip. Yoon Haeyoung, don’t waver at every single word hyung says. Have some self-awareness, okay?
After gripping the sink and making resolutions for a long time, Haeyoung finally headed to the kitchen. The smell that had been tickling his nose since leaving the bedroom was familiar. When he checked the bowls placed on the dining table, as expected, the breakfast menu was soup.
It was food he always ate in the mornings after drinking, and it was also the hangover cure Seonwoo had made for him during filming. Seonwoo approached Haeyoung, who was standing in front of the table looking down at the soup bowl.
“Haeyoung-ah.”
At the affectionate call, Haeyoung reflexively lifted his head. Then he saw Seonwoo gesturing at a chair as if telling him to sit. He pulled out a chair and sat down, gripping the spoon neatly placed beside the bowl.
The reason he came to cure his hangover with soup was purely because of Cha Seonwoo. Since his early twenties, he had naturally become accustomed to it because Seonwoo had taken care of him with soup as a hangover cure. The menu wasn’t always the same either, and different soups would appear periodically.
This time it was soup packed with cabbage. Yoon Haeyoung picked up the pepper shaker, sprinkled it liberally over the soup, then stirred the inside of the bowl with his spoon.
“Why did you drink so much yesterday?”
“Yesterday?”
“Yeah, you don’t usually drink that much.”
At the words that flowed out casually, the hand stirring the soup slowed. Haeyoung lifted his head and made eye contact with Seonwoo, who was looking at him. When their eyes met, Cha Seonwoo immediately tilted his head and hung a smile near his eyes.
Most of what he brought up was based on their time as lovers. Things they naturally came to know while dating for five years, or things they learned while compromising with each other on points where they didn’t match. The points that made him hesitate were also here.
What had accumulated like that would pop out as if natural when he was with him. Then he couldn’t possibly act cold-heartedly. When they met again while filming after breaking up, and even now.
“Maybe because I met noona after a long time. I was in a good mood seeing Hajin noona.”
Answering nonchalantly, Haeyoung swallowed a spoonful of soup.
It wasn’t because he was in a good mood like he said, but lying wasn’t difficult. But he couldn’t tell the truth either, could he? He couldn’t possibly say that from the moment he heard from Hajin that Seonwoo had taken care of him when he was sick, his thoughts had been stuck only there.
After wandering for a moment, Haeyoung finally lowered the hand holding the spoon. The clinking sound of the spoon and bowl colliding rang out softly.
“I’m sorry about yesterday.”
He spoke without hesitation, swallowing a sigh. At the apology that came out of nowhere, Seonwoo stopped stirring his soup and lifted his head.
“For what?”
“That, for getting drunk and saying things to hyung for no reason…”
It was a clean apology with no excuses. Seonwoo’s mouth, which had been quietly listening to what Haeyoung was saying, slowly closed.
The answer came back after some time had passed. After looking at Haeyoung silently for a long while, he laughed, making a sound as if deflating slightly.
“Haeyoung-ah, I like that you’re this kind of person, but still, very occasionally…”
“……”
“I’m hurt.”
At the voice that dropped low, this time it was Haeyoung’s mouth that closed. Watching Haeyoung, who was frozen while looking at him, Seonwoo raised the corners of his mouth slowly as if he couldn’t help it.
“I told you not to feel sorry for anything toward me.”
Not to feel sorry?
…How? Strength naturally entered the hand gripping the spoon.
Haeyoung still remembered how his face had turned pale at the moment he brought up breaking up. Having only received from him, all he gave in the end were wounds, wasn’t it? When he looked at Cha Seonwoo, a natural sense of indebtedness raised its head.
Taking in the troubled light appearing on Haeyoung’s face, Seonwoo silently put down the utensils he was holding.
“Don’t feel sorry. Get angry instead, resent me. But don’t try to distance yourself from me.”
The voice was gentle, but unusually firm. The particularly subdued voice persistently dug into Haeyoung’s chest.
“Isn’t that why you said we’d remain like this? Because you didn’t want to distance yourself from me.”
“……”
Like this. At the words he spat out, his neck ridiculously stiffened rigidly. With his immobile neck, Haeyoung slowly nodded his head.
It was he himself who said they should remain like this because he didn’t want to become distant. Because he couldn’t live without seeing Cha Seonwoo at all. He thought that if he changed the name of their relationship, being by his side would feel a little less shameless.
That way, while being by his side, he wanted to pay back the debt little by little. So that someday looking at Seonwoo hyung would feel like nothing.
It was when Haeyoung, who had been pondering while holding his spoon, lifted his gaze. Seonwoo, who had been looking at him from the start, smiled, narrowing his eyes slightly. At the face that was smiling round and round while looking at him, Yoon Haeyoung furrowed his brow instead.
‘…Why is he smiling like that again?’
It was an inscrutable smile, but when he smiled like that, he often indulged in absurd fantasies or said things that made the other person uncomfortable. And Yoon Haeyoung was not unaware that he easily fell for such a Cha Seonwoo.
He asked in a slightly displeased tone.
“Why are you smiling like that?”
“How was I smiling?”
The smile of his eyes folded in a curve deepened even more. Cha Seonwoo now even propped his chin up and tilted his head as if curious what words would follow.
“How you were smiling…”
He had already fallen for it countless times when he flirted while making that kind of smile. Yoon Haeyoung looked at him and narrowed his eyes.
It had only been a few minutes since he felt self-loathing for being conscious of him when he himself had said they should spend time together casually. However, looking at the face laughing shamelessly, that thought came to him.
Perhaps about half the reason why he became conscious of him was being provided by Cha Seonwoo himself.
“…Like someone flirting. Yeah, like that now, that eye smile.”
Haeyoung furrowed his brow slightly. The spoon he was holding pointed toward Seonwoo. He, who had been smiling with his chin propped up, made a slightly surprised expression.
“I was just smiling because I’m in a good mood though…”
What are you saying. Watching Seonwoo, who was blinking his eyes and pretending to be innocent, Haeyoung swallowed a hollow laugh.
You should deceive someone who can be deceived. Haeyoung grumbled inwardly and lowered his gaze to the bowl. Get a grip, Yoon Haeyoung. If you waver because of Cha Seonwoo, you’re a crazy bastard.
It was when he scooped up a spoonful of soup while pulling himself together like that. Sitting at the dining table with no intention of eating, Seonwoo asked with a low laugh.
“Are you wavering, Haeyoung-ah?”
It was a voice that crumbled affectionately near his ear. At the question that seemed to read his mind, Haeyoung startled and lifted his head.
“Then I’d be happy.”
“Ah, hyung!”
He glared at Seonwoo and put down the spoon that had been lifted in the air again.
“Stop it, really. It’s not like that.”
“Yeah… Really not?”
“It’s not, so don’t make that expression.”
It’s not. The problem was that it was too accurate. I’m going crazy, really.
When he shook his head with strength in his eyes, he could see Seonwoo’s eyes narrowing with a suspicious light. However, watching Haeyoung making a firm expression, he laughed as if sighing.
“Okay. So don’t just endure things alone and tell me everything that upsets you. Don’t feel sorry.”
“……”
“I listened to everything you said. You can listen too.”
That was a reasonable equivalent exchange. Cha Seonwoo had accepted his one-sided proposal, and if so, he should have something to give back too.
“Okay.”
A slow but firm voice fell from Haeyoung’s mouth. Only then did Seonwoo raise the corners of his mouth as if satisfied.
In the ensuing silence, it was when Haeyoung picked up his spoon again. He, who had been diligently eating the soup that had become somewhat lukewarm, suddenly lifted his head at a thought that flashed by. He tried to check the time on his phone, but there was no pocket in his pajamas that contained a phone.
“Hyung, where’s my phone?”
At the voice tinged with busyness, Seonwoo opened his mouth with a low ah and an exclamation.
“I put it in your outerwear pocket. All the clothes are in the closet.”
He already knew where the closet Seonwoo was talking about was. However, the meal wasn’t finished yet. Haeyoung glanced at the bedroom doorway, then turned his head to the clock hanging on the living room wall.
The clock was already pointing to a time close to ten o’clock.
“10 o’clock… I think I need to get up now.”
“Where are you going on a Saturday?”
“Part-time job.”
Haeyoung, who answered briefly to Seonwoo’s words, quickly emptied the soup bowl. Seonwoo, who had been silently watching him chew with his mouth tightly closed, only opened his mouth after he drank water to rinse his mouth.
“Where do you work?”
It was an insignificant voice, and a question anyone could ask. However, if the other party was Cha Seonwoo, the situation tended to be a little different. Haeyoung, who paused for a moment, rolled his eyes.
“If you don’t want to tell me, you don’t have to, but still…”
The voice trailing off was unsettling. Haeyoung hurriedly opened his mouth before that damn “our relationship” speech came out of him again.
As he said, no, as he himself had said, if they were really in a relationship where there was nothing to be wary of, telling him where he worked part-time wouldn’t be a problem.
“It’s the one near the school’s middle gate. We went there a few times before with hyung…”
Cha Seonwoo nodded as if he knew what he meant. There was no other particular reaction. Haeyoung, who had been waiting for him to finish eating, felt relieved at the quietness that came.
After tidying up what he ate, Haeyoung changed clothes and hurriedly left the house. He, who was gripping the doorknob, awkwardly looked back at Seonwoo, who had followed him out to the entrance to see him off.
“Hyung, I’m leaving now. Thanks for taking care of me.”
“Yeah. Go carefully, Haeyoung-ah.”
A clean conversation without frills, everyday greetings anyone could commonly exchange. While gripping the doorknob, Haeyoung nodded, raising the corners of his mouth as if nothing was wrong. This much was okay. At this kind of distance, it seemed he could get along well with him while hiding his feelings.
The doorknob turned smoothly and the door opened. Haeyoung left Seonwoo’s house, which was filled with a familiar scent.
***
After leaving his house like that, he thought there wouldn’t be many occasions to meet again. So…
Until he discovered Cha Seonwoo at the cafe where he worked.
“I’ll help you order…”
Fuck… sir.
A light of bewilderment rose in Haeyoung’s frozen eyes.
