At his question, Hajin nodded with an indifferent face.
“Yeah. Medicine and porridge.”
“……”
“Probably everything I brought over?”
Her head tilted to the side. At the answer that flowed out casually, Haeyoung furrowed his brow and asked.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You didn’t ask.”
Hajin said curtly. At the answer simply spat out, Haeyoung also lost his words and closed his mouth. She didn’t say anything because he didn’t ask—it was an answer that left him with nothing to say.
New meat went up on the now-empty grill. Holding the tongs and smacking her lips, she suddenly lifted her head.
“In the midst of being sick, imagine if I told you he gave it to you. Your heart would just feel restless for no reason, so why would I mention it first?”
Restless. Haeyoung let out an empty laugh as he mulled over the word she’d uttered. It was quite a reasonable justification. Moreover, if the other person was none other than Hajin, all the more so.
She was almost the only person who knew when he’d broken up with Seonwoo. When his family went bankrupt, she’d told him to get his head straight because it wasn’t him who went bankrupt, but when he broke up with Seonwoo, she told him to just cry. At that time, he’d already cried all he could cry. So he showed her an indifferent smile saying he was fine now, but she didn’t smile back with him.
Five years was never a light amount of time.
As that serious face came to mind, a bitter taste seemed to linger in his mouth. Haeyoung, who’d lifted the corners of his mouth pretending to be nonchalant, looked at Hajin and said brazenly.
“I’m fine now.”
“I know. And even if you’re not fine, it’s fine. Eat more meat before it burns.”
She didn’t seem to particularly believe his claim that he was fine, but he obediently stuffed the meat Hajin pushed toward him into his mouth. His head was already complicated with nowhere to step, filled with thoughts that arose in an instant.
How did he know I was sick and bring porridge? Did Hajin noona contact him? Even so, he must be busy, so why buy porridge? He should just take good care of his own meals. There’s been no contact since then, so hyung…
What is hyung doing now?
“But what happened? The day you borrowed my car.”
At the question that suddenly came, Haeyoung flinched and straightened his back. Without realizing it, he’d been habitually thinking of Cha Seonwoo. The voice embedded in his ear at the moment he was recalling him made him feel like he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t.
“Huh? What did you say?”
“You borrowed my car at the airport. I’m asking what happened that day.”
At her question, Haeyoung stretched his lips ambiguously. She was probably talking about the last day he saw Seonwoo. The day Hajin mentioned, when he borrowed the car at the airport.
“You borrowed the car but why did Cha Seonwoo return it? Did you two go together? Did you make Cha Seonwoo cry?”
Saying his complexion was practically a corpse, Hajin picked up a wet wipe placed beside her. Even at the joke that it seemed whiter than this, Haeyoung couldn’t laugh along.
“If not you, there’s no reason for him to be like that. Since he’s such a precious person.”
Though she spoke as if joking, there was a subtle barb to it. Since Hajin had known him since childhood, it probably wasn’t just a thoughtless remark. He tried to focus on her words, but his thoughts kept drifting elsewhere.
Even when trying not to recall it, his consciousness kept taking Haeyoung back to that day. The gaze that kept glancing at him while driving, the sighs that occasionally leaked out quietly from his mouth, the dry touch stroking down his face, and such things. And the clearest thing was the face that smiled while answering “alright” to him at the very end.
Seonwoo’s face smiling gently while looking at him in any moment formed around his chest. The car that didn’t leave in front of his house until late.
When he recalled the winter night when he became alone again, his stomach churned. Haeyoung stopped chewing his lips and looked at Hajin with narrowed eyes in a smile.
“Noona. Should we order alcohol?”
“Hey, hurry up and tell me. What on earth happened that you’re like this?”
“Nothing happened, I ended it well.”
While speaking, he paused for a moment and closed his mouth. Saying he ended it well was strange. His relationship with Seonwoo hadn’t ended yet, and if asked whether he’d concluded it “well,” that was also ambiguous to answer.
He’d just chosen the best option he could. Haeyoung lifted his water cup and swallowed a mouthful. Hajin was staring at him persistently as he stalled.
“I didn’t end it, we just decided to stay as close hyung and dongsaeng. Like friends.”
“Close hyung and dongsaeng? Friends?”
Chingu? The voice flowing from her mouth clearly showed bewilderment. Hajin, who’d been staring at Haeyoung blankly, dropped the tongs she was holding. The tongs fell onto the table and clattered noisily.
The way she mulled over the word “friends” with a hollow laugh somehow reminded him of Seonwoo. She lifted her head with confused eyes and soon asked worriedly.
“Haeyoung-ah, you dated for five years, how can you be friends after breaking up? Are you sick somewhere? You’re talking nonsense.”
She stretched out the hand that had dropped the tongs. Then she beckoned with her hand, telling him to come closer so she could check his temperature.
Ah. A small sigh leaked out of his mouth. This time it was a really familiar feeling. Haeyoung, recalling the touch that had covered his forehead, let out a slight laugh.
“…Why can’t we?”
“What do you mean why can’t you, why are you suddenly equipped with such a Hollywood mindset?”
It was quite a caustic tone. In the midst of it, only the English pronunciation was noticeably good, so laughter burst out for no reason. Watching him laugh emptily, Hajin frowned as if frustrated.
“It’s not like what you dated becomes nothing. How do you break up and act like nothing happened? Somin still occasionally asks what you’re up to these days.”
At the name that suddenly popped up, Haeyoung also frowned. With a hollow laugh and a crooked gaze looking up at Hajin, he simply refuted.
“Somin noona and I were friends from before.”
The name that came up whenever he’d almost forgotten it no longer evoked any feelings. Rather, he’d just flinch at the topic of her being brought up so suddenly like this. Wouldn’t Somin feel bad if she knew?
Somin was someone who’d become close with Hajin first while attending the same academy, and was someone Haeyoung dated when he was in high school. Back then too, they’d spent several awkward days whenever they ran into each other after breaking up. But then after a little time passed, he’d occasionally receive contact from Somin.
When was it completely cut off? Until his senior year, he’d still occasionally receive encouraging messages from Somin, but he probably couldn’t respond to her contact after he started seeing Seonwoo.
“Is it that absurd? I think I could just stay friends with Somin noona too.”
“Crazy. That’s just you.”
At Haeyoung’s calm murmur, Hajin retorted as if dumbfounded.
Of course, Somin and Seonwoo couldn’t be the same. How could puppy love from dating for barely half a year during school days be the same as dating for five years after becoming an adult? And above all, Cha Seonwoo was the first and last unique person in Haeyoung’s life. That’s why he couldn’t let go.
“Cha Seonwoo agreed too? He said okay?”
Even as Hajin asked, she seemed somewhat certain of the answer. When Haeyoung nodded, a quiet sigh flowed from her mouth.
“You’re both crazy…. Both of you are crazy, especially Cha Seonwoo.”
Though she laughed helplessly as if incredulous, her hand grilling the meat didn’t stop. Several pieces of meat were neatly placed on top of Haeyoung’s dish.
“Crazy with love…. It’s severe, really. What even is love?”
Listening to the voice of her muttering, Haeyoung silently transported meat to his mouth.
“But you look fine. Then I’m good.”
Glancing at his neat face, Hajin spoke in a much lighter tone. Though she spoke in a calm voice, he couldn’t help but notice the worry contained in her words.
You look fine…. Haeyoung, who’d swallowed what was in his mouth, fell into thought for a moment with the tip of his chopsticks in his mouth. He’d been busy studying in his spare time with the semester starting soon, course registration was coming up soon, and these days he was also doing a new part-time job. After a little while, the time would come when he could contact Cha Seonwoo like it was nothing.
“What’s there not to be fine about?”
Yoon Haeyoung looked at Hajin, pulling up the corners of his mouth firmly.
***
And it didn’t take long for Hajin to realize her assessment was wrong. It was when they moved on to a second round to have a drink after a long time after eating beef.
Haeyoung wasn’t someone with a weak tolerance for alcohol, but he wasn’t the type to enjoy alcohol itself either. However, it was just a few minutes ago that she’d flinched watching him pour alcohol into his mouth as soon as he sat down, before the side dishes even came out.
“Drink slowly.”
Watching his face already flushed from drinking quickly, Hajin clicked her tongue.
“Noona, did I do something wrong?”
“I’m taking back what I said about you looking fine.”
Was this the same person who’d just said what’s there not to be fine about? When did he shamelessly smile saying he was okay, and now she sighed at the sight of him muttering with his head deeply bowed.
“It’s not that you did something wrong, ah, yeah. Honestly, from my perspective, it doesn’t make sense. When you both like each other to death, how can you see each other’s faces like it’s nothing?”
“I also thought it was right not to see each other and live.”
“……”
“But… I don’t think I can live without seeing hyung.”
Then wouldn’t it be fine to just date again? Even when asking why they broke up, he didn’t tell her, so Hajin couldn’t understand why things were going this way.
But there must be circumstances he couldn’t tell even her. Originally, human relationships can’t be maintained with just feelings of liking alone, right? Though she didn’t know what circumstances it was exactly, seeing Haeyoung being miserable, she inevitably felt frustrated.
“This idiot. It’s because it’s obvious you’ll have a hard time, I’m worried.”
“…It’s not hard.”
“Again.”
It was starting again. When it’s hard, he could just say it’s hard, but Yoon Haeyoung had a habit of stubbornly saying he’s okay and enduring. With his face full of bitter smiles, he kept letting out empty laughter.
Should I not have brought up Cha Seonwoo as a topic? Hajin stretched out her arm, mulling over regret inwardly. She placed her hand on top of Haeyoung’s head and thoroughly messed up his dark-colored hair. At the touch stroking with strength, Haeyoung squinted his eyes but still didn’t erase his smile.
“After meeting hyung again, I became more scared of not being able to see him in the future.”
“……”
“That’s why I gathered courage, but….”
Saying he didn’t know what to do, he lowered his head onto his arms placed on the table.
“Am I drunk? Wow, I miss him so much.”
It was obvious who he was referring to without saying. He muttered with his face buried in his arms. Hajin had seen Haeyoung like this once before. That is… when he broke up while dating Cha Seonwoo.
She, who’d been moving her lips, embraced Haeyoung’s back as he held back tears he couldn’t shed and patted him, stroking down. The sound of him sobbing out his misery never came from him. Hajin remembered that he never cried even when he had nowhere to go and wandered in the middle of winter.
So, biting his lips with his head buried must be the best he could express right now. A shallow sigh leaked from Hajin’s mouth.
“Anyway, such strong pride, Yoon Haeyoung.”
He wouldn’t cry out loud in front of other people. She knew he’d rather hide and cry alone, and Hajin also knew that the place where he could cry comfortably wasn’t by her side. For Haeyoung not to cry alone, he needed Cha Seonwoo.
Lee Hajin couldn’t help but acknowledge that fact. She stretched out her remaining hand toward the cell phone she’d placed on the table.
