Since when did he start smoking—for a moment, Haeyoung, who couldn’t understand what he was saying, raised one eyebrow. Seeing him make a troubled face, there was clearly something that bothered him.
Haeyoung, who had been thinking for a moment, belatedly let out a sigh and raised his arm. He sniffed the smell of his clothes while going “sniff sniff,” then tilted his head as if puzzled.
“Does it smell? I wasn’t the one who smoked.”
When he said he wasn’t the one who smoked cigarettes, this time the face that had been wearing a complicated expression turned pale. It was a face as if looking at someone who had been cheating, not smoking.
“Who were you with…….”
A clogged voice flowed from his slowly opened mouth. Hesitating mid-question, Seonwoo bit his lips. Watching him chew on his thin lips, Haeyoung swallowed a breath as if dumbfounded.
Long-standingly, Cha Seonwoo had a disease of distrusting him in absurd aspects. Though he wondered if it was right to be like this even in this situation, he let out a short sigh and raised his hand.
“Who else. I was briefly with Sehee noona.”
Haeyoung took off Seonwoo’s coat that was wrapped tightly around him. And without hesitation, he wrapped the clothes around him again. With the wind blowing like this, did it make sense to take off his clothes? He was pale—just who was worrying about whom, it was ridiculous.
“Don’t think strange thoughts.”
“…….”
“Ha, why am I even explaining this?”
Haeyoung, who had been rolling his eyes calmly, soon sneered emptily. He found it quite funny how he’d been watching Seonwoo’s expression and soothing him out of habit.
Until coming to Jeju Island, he’d consciously avoided him. He knew his heart would weaken quickly if he saw Seonwoo’s face. When he could fully feel the gaze directed this way, he’d deliberately turn his head pretending not to know.
So the last time was when the conversation ended vaguely when Soyoon came to find him in the room. After that, there had been no proper conversation. It was difficult to have a sincere conversation while living with several people, and above all, things like cameras became conscious belatedly.
Having spent days in an awkward atmosphere like that, it was even funny that their conversation after a long time wasn’t awkward at all. It made him think this was why time spent together was scary. For people who had dated for 5 years then broke up, it felt excessively comfortable.
And the unresolved problem still remained.
Shaking off the thoughts that rose again, Haeyoung asked him.
“Why are you outside? Were you waiting for me?”
Of course, he somewhat expected the answer. And as expected, at the nod and the head that fell silently, the strength around his mouth loosened.
“Are you going to keep doing this? What will you do if you catch a cold again?”
Haeyoung complained, telling him to stop being a concern. But still no answer came from the other person. Cha Seonwoo persistently took in his expressionless face, absorbed in arranging the appearance of his clothes.
As if the gap of several days was a lie, Haeyoung let out an affectionate voice as usual. Rather, Seonwoo’s heart sank at his calm face. An unknowable sense of distance was felt from the appearance of acting nonchalantly, pretending to be composed.
Clearing his clogged throat, an urgent voice was released.
“Haeyoung-ah.”
“What, Seonwoo-ya.”
Haeyoung raised his gaze at the voice calling him and playfully responded.
If it were usual, he would have let out a hollow laugh at his inappropriate answer, but he slowly lowered his eyes. His neatly downward-facing eyelashes were trembling weakly. At the cheeky answer brought out as a joke, instead of laughing, he contorted his face as if about to cry.
“I did wrong….”
And the words he brought out with difficulty completely shattered Haeyoung’s calm mask. The lips that had been drawing a shallow curve quickly sank.
Even under the yellow light of the streetlamp behind them, Seonwoo’s face looked particularly white. Haeyoung’s eyes looking up at him wavered without fail.
‘I… did wrong, Haeyoung-ah.’
Though the same words he’d said at the moment of separation, the meaning was different. At least for Haeyoung it was. If when he first heard it he’d only felt sorry, now…….
He still hadn’t completely sorted out what emotion he was feeling now. The sense of betrayal he’d felt when he realized he knew was brief. What remained after his head cooled was an emotion that was perhaps a bit more tender, and maybe a bit heavier.
The swamp of emotions kept grabbing his ankles. Because of that, Seonwoo reached out his hand toward Haeyoung, who was standing still with his mouth closed, unable to move. His coldly frozen fingertips swept over his reddened eyes, then came down and held his cheek. Whether because of the coldness or because of that contact, Haeyoung, who had been stiffly frozen, raised his arm a beat late.
“…Later.”
Haeyoung, who had grasped the hand that came up to his face, pulled it down.
“Let’s talk later. Not now.”
“…….”
“I’m not running away.”
Looking at the face that seemed about to cry, Haeyoung smiled bitterly.
If there was one thing he overlooked, it was that he ran away not because he didn’t love him, but because he loved him too much. He was embarrassed because he liked him too much, and desperate because he loved him to the extent that it felt excessive.
If he hadn’t given money to Dad, would he have been less conscious of the things he couldn’t give? Could he have not lost the confidence to be by his side? All the hypotheticals he’d thought of countless times were meaningless. The past was what had happened, and Haeyoung had already run away from him once.
And the moment of being together with him for a month was more bearable than the days of being apart. That must be why. Yoon Haeyoung thought he now knew what he was afraid of.
“I won’t… give up. I won’t leave, hyung.”
No one didn’t know that those words were just pretense, but they had to cling even to that. The two people who had climbed onto the line that was already drawn were struggling just to maintain their balance.
But no matter how precarious, they couldn’t stop tightrope walking and fall. Because each other stood where they faced each other.
***
Of all nights, white snowflakes fluttered that night.
Because of that, Haeyoung looked out the window before going to sleep and thought about what would happen if the plane couldn’t take off. But contrary to his worries, the morning sky he faced after waking up was clear without a single cloud.
They said the final choice would proceed by moving to different locations. Haeyoung, who had been about to leave the accommodation, discovered Seonwoo putting on his outer garment.
Haeyoung, who went back into the room after being about to go out, reopened the bag he’d already finished packing. His hand, which had been rummaging inside as if searching for something, soon took out a long scarf.
“Hyung, this.”
Closing the bag and rising again, he approached Seonwoo. Cha Seonwoo, who had been staring down at the scarf being handed to him, slightly bent his body. Haeyoung, who had been blinking at the upper body leaning toward him, swallowed a hollow laugh.
But instead of prickly pushing him away, he reached out and hung the scarf around his neck. Haeyoung, who had been wrapping the scarf with fairly meticulous hands, paused for a moment and muttered mischievously.
“Should I just tie it in a ribbon too?”
At that voice, a low laugh finally leaked from Seonwoo’s mouth too. The lips visible above the black scarf were particularly red, and his skin was flawlessly white. Looking at his unnecessarily pretty face, Haeyoung fully sympathized with what he’d said before when wrapping a scarf around him.
It was when he was unconsciously looking at Seonwoo’s face, feeling empathy. Haeyoung hurriedly turned his body as if he’d forgotten.
“Seonwoo hyung, have a good trip. Kim Minho, you too.”
His turn was next after Jaehwi, who had gone out first. Haeyoung, who had roughly waved his hand at the two people remaining at the accommodation, opened the door and came out.
He ran as if rushing through the garden and got into the car that had been waiting for him. The car, which departed without even telling him where they were going, soon stopped on a breakwater where a lighthouse was built. Admiration naturally flowed at the meticulousness of informing him not only of the phone number but also when to make the call.
Standing alone on the breakwater, the characteristically slow but clean air of winter touched his skin. It wasn’t a bad feeling to call it the last. Haeyoung, who had been blankly looking down at his phone checking the time, slowly moved his fingers.
The person to call was decided. There was only one person he could call anyway. Because he couldn’t call the person he really wanted to.
“Hello?”
– Yes, hello.
The voice heard when the call connection ended was cheerful as usual. At the silence that continued for a moment after the call connected, the two people burst into laughter almost simultaneously.
Though it was nothing when they actually saw each other’s faces, somehow it felt awkward talking like this on the phone. Haeyoung, who had been laughing emptily, cleared his throat and opened his mouth.
“I was really fortunate to have you, noona, for the month. You know that?”
– …Yeah, me too. I was glad to get to know you.
“I’m also glad you met someone you like, noona.”
– …….
“Because you’re a good person, noona.”
At Haeyoung’s words, beyond the receiver became quiet for a moment. He didn’t know what Sehee was thinking in that silence, but somehow it didn’t seem like she was smiling. The complicated face she’d been making yesterday also bothered him.
She said she wouldn’t date here. The playful words lingered at the corners of his mouth, but he didn’t want to put her in a difficult position for stumbling over the words he’d said. Haeyoung asked in an even lighter voice.
“But aren’t I more handsome?”
At the question aimed at someone, Sehee burst into helpless laughter. Holding the phone with the giggling laughter coming through, Haeyoung also chuckled quietly. It was around when the two people’s laughter subsided.
With dimples on the corners of his mouth, Haeyoung said sincerely.
“Take care.”
– Yeah. You too, Haeyoung.
And that was the last. Haeyoung, who had been looking down at the disconnected call, belatedly recalled Hajin and made an “oops” face. Was he too composed for a man rejected in the final choice? Such worries arose, but it was already irreversible.
The smile gradually disappeared from the face that had been looking at the black screen for a while. Haeyoung put the phone he’d been holding in his pocket and placed his gaze far away. The world blurred, covered by the white breath that came from his mouth. It rippled like waves on the endlessly spread horizon.
Could he return perfectly to before knowing everything? No matter how much he thought about it, it seemed he couldn’t do that.
On good days, sitting looking at the Han River having trivial conversations, sharing ice cream bought from the convenience store in front of the house, running to him waiting outside on cold days and grabbing his frozen hands and blowing breath on them.
Those ordinary and trivial everyday moments—he couldn’t be certain there wouldn’t be instants when he suddenly felt inexplicable wretchedness. Then what should we do?
“……Ha.”
Haeyoung bent down and sat while blankly looking at the spray crumbling while hitting the breakwater. Let’s be honest. He just didn’t have the courage readily, but didn’t he already know the answer?
‘Don’t give up on me.’
If he didn’t give up as he said, he could be by his side.
‘I thought even if you found out, you’d choose me.’
Even if what was placed on the opposite side of his choice was himself.
