For now, since there was another exam coming up, the nurse sent me back. And she asked me to come back to the infirmary after the exam was over. When I went back up to the classroom, Junsu and Woojin asked me about Chiwon’s condition, but I didn’t know anything either, so I shook my head.
There was no way I could concentrate on the exam. The blood from Chiwon on my sleeve was gradually drying to a dark color. Time passed horribly slowly. As soon as the bell rang and I submitted my answer sheet, I ran straight to the infirmary without even packing my bag.
“Teacher, did Chiwon wake up?”
“No. He’s sleeping right now.”
I let out a sigh. When I pulled back the curtain and looked at Chiwon’s face, he seemed better than before.
“Chiwon, you said you couldn’t smell anything, right? Is it still like that?”
“Yes.”
“How many days has it been like that?”
“……”
How much of Chiwon’s situation was it okay for me to talk about? As I was choosing my words, the teacher grabbed my shoulder.
“You need to tell me everything. That’s how you help.”
“……It’s been like that since he enrolled. Back then, I thought Chiwon was hiding his pheromones…… but from a few days ago, something was different. But I’m not sure. It seemed like something was wrong……”
I sank into a chair and rubbed my face. My mind was complicated. Should I have spoken up earlier, to the teacher or my grandfather or someone? I thought keeping quiet was being considerate. If I had known it would make Chiwon end up like this……
When I couldn’t continue speaking, the teacher picked something up from the desk. It was a suppressant test sheet, the kind I’d seen when I went to the pheromone center for a checkup.
“It tested positive for suppressants. From what you’re saying, it sounds like he’s been taking them for days, but a recessive kid wouldn’t have a heat cycle lasting for days. If the side effects were severe enough to make him collapse…… if he keeps taking them, something really bad will happen. Do you have any idea why Chiwon kept taking the medicine?”
“……No. I don’t know. I don’t understand.”
Chiwon won’t tell me. I took a breath because I felt like I was going to cry.
“I see. Thanks for telling me. Will you stay next to Chiwon?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. Let me know when he wakes up.”
The teacher nodded and turned toward the desk. I sat beside the bed where Chiwon was sleeping and looked at his face.
A while after the bell rang, Junsu and Woojin brought my bag and phone. That’s when I realized I had rushed out without even listening to the closing homeroom. Fortunately, Woojin said he’d told the homeroom teacher, so I didn’t need to worry. The two of them wanted to stay until Chiwon woke up too, but it seemed inconsiderate to take up the whole infirmary, so they decided to go back. The two of them earnestly asked me to definitely contact them when Chiwon woke up, so I nodded.
About two hours passed, I guess. I’d been staring at Chiwon the whole time and had just come back from the bathroom. I was approaching the bed where Chiwon was lying when I heard a thudding sound of someone collapsing from inside. I walked quickly and flung open the curtain. I saw Chiwon groaning, half-sitting up on the bed.
“Lie down.”
I pressed down firmly on Chiwon’s shoulder. Then, as I was about to get up to call the nurse who was talking with the homeroom teacher outside, Chiwon opened his mouth.
“The exam?”
The first thing he brought up in a hoarse voice was about the exam. I forcibly held back the surge of emotion that welled up for a moment.
“Is that what’s important right now?”
Still, my feelings must not have been completely hidden, because Chiwon looked at my face and pressed his lips tightly together. I caught my breath.
“What time is it?”
“Two thirty.”
At my words, Chiwon smiled faintly and averted his gaze.
“Um, I couldn’t sleep…… so that’s probably why. I’m fine. I’m sorry for making you stay until this hour. If you contact the teacher, she’ll come, so you should go home and rest too, Eorin-ah. You’re tired, aren’t you? Okay?”
Sitting up and fumbling with the nightstand beside the bed, Chiwon started babbling incoherently. It was clear he wanted to avoid the situation. But I didn’t want to let Chiwon hide anything from me anymore.
“Why?”
“What?”
“Why are you hiding things like that?”
At my question, Chiwon’s hand, which had been searching for his phone, stopped.
“The nurse said if you keep taking suppressants in your current state, something really bad will happen.”
“……”
“You really looked dangerous earlier. You know? You collapsed with a pale face, I really thought something was going to happen to you.”
My emotions grew increasingly intense. I thought I shouldn’t pressure Chiwon, but my voice only became rougher. Chiwon kept his head down without saying anything.
“Why are you hiding things like that? Are we…… am I not someone you can trust?”
In the end, I even said something like that. Even though I showed him my impatient, immature, and childish self, Chiwon didn’t say anything to me and just gripped the blanket tightly. I felt like if I stayed any longer, I’d beg him to please say something, so I desperately held back my impatience.
After a moment of silence, the nurse came in. Chiwon avoided my eyes the whole time he was packing his things. Even when I walked Chiwon to the school gate, Chiwon didn’t look at me.
I sent Junsu and Woojin a message that Chiwon had woken up, and I came home and flopped face-down on my bed. In the end, I had pressured him. Chiwon, with tears in his voice, looking like he was being strangled, wouldn’t leave my mind. I buried my bursting head in the pillow.
“Eorin-ah, you didn’t eat lunch, right?”
“Yeah…… I don’t want to eat.”
“You still need to eat though. Okay?”
“I really don’t feel like it today……”
At my mumbled words without lifting my face from the blanket, Mother quietly closed the door. After staying like that for a while, when my phone vibrated, I bolted upright.
[Will Chiwon be okay?]
It was Woojin. Looking at Woojin’s message, I moved my fingers.
[Starting tomorrow, Chiwon might not talk to me……]
[???]
[Why???]
[I think I was too hasty I should have waited longer]
[What if I hurt him more because of me?]
Junsu, who seemed to have roughly guessed, was silent, while Woojin, who didn’t understand, kept expressing his confusion. But there was nothing more I could tell them. If Chiwon had ultimately decided not to talk……
All I could do was still wait, and that frustrated me. I couldn’t just watch Chiwon suffer alone anymore, but if Chiwon didn’t reach out his hand, I couldn’t even be by his side. After agonizing for a long time, I finally got up and went outside.
“Eorin-ah, where are you going?”
“I’m going to meet a friend for a bit. I might be late.”
I didn’t want to just sit still anymore. Either way, I’d have to wait for Chiwon to come to me, but if that was the case, I wanted to wait in a place where he could reach me with just one step.
When I arrived in front of the orphanage, I called Chiwon. I wanted to let him know I was here. The moment I pressed the call button and brought the phone to my ear trembled horribly. In case Chiwon might reject me. But what I heard in my ear wasn’t a ringtone but a message saying the phone was turned off. I put down my phone with a slightly deflated feeling, then turned my phone back on and opened messenger.
[Chiwon-ah]
After writing Chiwon’s name, I hesitated for a long time. What other words should I add? But no words came to mind. It wasn’t that I had something I wanted to say, but something I wanted to hear.
In the end, I just sent it with only Chiwon’s name written. Chiwon’s name alone seemed to be enough.
Time passed and I confirmed that Chiwon had read my message, but there was no contact from Chiwon. The sun had set in the meantime, and I trembled more from the worry that Chiwon might push me away than from the cold.
Chiwon-ah, just one step. I’m here, can’t you just come out one step? I muttered to myself.
[Still no contact from Chiwon……]
Come to think of it, I hadn’t told Junsu and Woojin that I’d come to see Chiwon. Just as I was about to tell them that, an incoming call screen appeared on my phone.
It was Chiwon. I was startled and picked up the phone.
“Hello.”
There was no response from the other end of the phone. I called Chiwon’s name.
“Chiwon-ah.”
—……Yeah…….
A small, answering voice. I squeezed my eyes shut. It really was Chiwon.
“Chiwon-ah.”
—Eorin-ah. E, orin-ah. Right now, where, are you? I, right now, you see.
The voice breaking with tears was pitiful. I gripped the phone tightly. Please.
—Right now, I want to meet you and, there’s something I want to, talk about. I’ll come…… please wait for me.
Ah, finally…….
I caught my breath. I felt like I was going to cry along with him.
“……Come outside. I’m in front of the orphanage right now.”
And immediately, Chiwon ran to me on his own feet. Even with a face full of tears and fear, he came straight to me without turning back.
I could only say that he was lovely.
I sent Junsu and Woojin a message that I’d met Chiwon, and I took Chiwon’s hand and led him to the empty lot behind the orphanage. The empty lot, separated from the orphanage by just one wall, was where I had been standing the moment Chiwon manifested before. I never would have imagined I’d come here together with Chiwon.
During the entire conversation, Chiwon’s eyes flowed with tears non-stop like a broken dam. My heart ached because his reddened, chafed eyes looked so pitiful. The story Chiwon told, which I had roughly guessed at, was similar to my imagination, but I couldn’t listen to it very calmly. I felt sorry for him, sad, very angry, and by the end, apologetic.
Even if one-sided, I had known about Chiwon since middle school. I had been there the moment Chiwon had just manifested. The thought that if I hadn’t stopped there, if I had been interested in Chiwon, if only I had approached him first, maybe that wouldn’t have happened, kept circling in my head. At the time when I was intoxicated by the world that had become much clearer after I manifested, Chiwon was rolling on the ground alone. I felt so sorry and distressed about that, so pitiful for Chiwon who must have had such a hard time, that tears came. But I didn’t want to cry in front of Chiwon, so I forcibly held back my tears.
“I’m sorry. I think…… I came to find you too late. I don’t know what to say to you. I’m sorry.”
While comforting Chiwon who was crying and gasping for breath, I kept muttering apologies. If only I could have met you a little earlier, if only I had gone to you faster, you wouldn’t have been hurt. I wanted to console Chiwon, but I seemed to have no talent for comfort. Even with my pathetic comfort that could only embrace him, kind Chiwon leaned on me and stopped his tears.
