It was natural if you think about it, but as expected, Chiwon had come to school earlier than me. When I vigorously opened the front door and discovered Chiwon sitting in his seat, I couldn’t hide my sense of futility. When I strode over to greet him and looked at Chiwon with resentful eyes, Chiwon made a bewildered face. Right, what fault does he have? Chiwon was a kid who always came to school first and opened the locked classroom door even when he wasn’t on duty. I put my bag down at my seat and sat in the seat next to Chiwon.
To my question of whether he’d eaten breakfast, Chiwon answered yes. I’d decided this morning that if Chiwon came to school first, I’d buy him breakfast, but because Chiwon came after eating, my solo bet was nullified like that.
“What did you eat for breakfast?”
“Just rice and rolled omelet…”
“Are you full?”
“Yeah.”
Still, I wanted to feed him something. Chiwon had an aspect that seemed somehow faint. As if he’d just fade away if left alone. Wouldn’t that feeling disappear if I at least made his stomach full? I made unreasonable demands for no reason.
“No, they say you should eat breakfast heartily. Eat more. I’ll share my portion, so let’s eat that.”
“Then you’ll eat less.”
“Let’s tell Na Junsu to buy a lot. Or I’ll buy it for you.”
After spitting out these words, I was a little flustered inside and watched Chiwon’s reaction. Because I’d remembered Grandfather’s words. That my trivial goodwill might be taken differently. But Chiwon was a kid without much expression, and I couldn’t tell what kind of mood Chiwon was in.
Junsu, having lost the bet, came back carrying a bunch of bread as if he’d completely cleaned out the school store. Of those, one was my portion, and the rest were all Chiwon’s. We ate bread while chatting warmly together with Woojin, who came to school late. Chiwon wasn’t a kid who laughed a lot. But at least with Chiwon being within “us,” I didn’t feel a wall, so I stroked Chiwon’s head to hide my somehow proud feeling.
Chiwon didn’t open his heart easily. I didn’t really know about Junsu and Woojin, but I felt that way. So I stuck even more to Chiwon, and whenever kids whose faces I knew came to greet me, I always introduced Chiwon as my friend. At first, Chiwon, who had been watching our reactions, became more and more uninhibited with us as time passed, and from some point on, he started smiling at us much more. Bragging that he’d bought a cell phone, bursting into laughter while playing basketball, smiling while saying he liked teddy bears. But still, Chiwon kept his mouth firmly shut about just one thing. About pheromones.
The neck was the area where pheromones were most concentrated. Was that why? Whenever hands or faces approached near his neck, Chiwon would quickly turn pale. With a flustered expression, he’d pull his body back and say nothing, so neither I nor the other kids asked about it. But that face—it felt exactly like he was afraid of something.
What could be scary? I came to guess at least a little about it on Chiwon’s birthday.
Chiwon’s birthday was in spring. Chiwon’s face as he talked about his birthday had a rarely seen honest excitement. I pondered for a long time about what to give Chiwon as a birthday present, but in the end, what I chose was a teddy bear doll. Since Chiwon had first said he liked it, no matter how much I thought about it, nothing else came to mind. Instead, I filled the box with gummy bears along with the bear doll. It was something I’d liked when I was young, and when Chiwon said he liked it too, I was strangely happy. Just from discovering one thing in common, I felt a tremendous sense of intimacy.
Since Junsu and Woojin said they had things to do during the day, I made plans to meet with Chiwon first, just the two of us. In truth, I was a bit happy about it. Playing with all four of us was fun too, but there wasn’t much time to talk with Chiwon.
“Hi.”
It was my first time seeing Chiwon in casual clothes, and his face buried in a duffle coat and hood looked cute. Unable to hold back, I grinned and grabbed Chiwon’s hand. Looking at Chiwon’s face made me laugh for no reason.
Wanting to go around here and there with Chiwon, I used the headset as an excuse and led Chiwon. Chiwon, who didn’t know downtown well, walked guided by my touch. But not long after we’d clasped hands, I felt sweat forming on my palm.
“…”
Why am I suddenly sweating like this? If I let go now, would he think it’s strange? I’d never been like this before—it was quite something. Just from holding hands with Chiwon. Just from holding… hands…
The moment I realized I was conscious of Chiwon, I stopped in that spot in surprise. Suddenly my heart was pounding.
“Poof!”
Without even time to sort out my bewilderment, Chiwon, who had been walking behind, planted his face into my back. At his apology, I waved my hand and stared blankly at Chiwon as he rubbed his nose as if it hurt.
What, so I’m…
“…?”
Just when my feelings were about to form into words, Chiwon raised his head. The moment I met eyes that looked at me questioningly for not moving my feet, I hastily moved my steps. My hand was still firmly clasped. Burning hot—our clasped hands seemed to be heating up.
I really did want to buy new headphones, but it didn’t have to be today. It was just an excuse to meet Chiwon early and hang out, but I used headphones as an excuse again to get away from Chiwon. I needed time to compose my mind for a moment. While I rummaged through headphones, Chiwon went to look at other devices.
Meaninglessly touching glossy red headphones, I bit my lip. I’d never liked anyone before, but this was a feeling I couldn’t mistake. Thinking about it, I’d been so particular, but it was more absurd that I hadn’t known until now. Maybe since that summer day, I’d already fallen for him.
Good grief. I rolled those words around in my mouth. Good grief.
I like Chiwon.
“Did you finish choosing?”
“…”
When Chiwon’s face thrust itself before my eyes, my mouth was struck shut. I nodded without speaking.
“Then I’ll wait outside, come out after paying.”
“U-uh, yeah.”
Ah, I stuttered! I barely held back wanting to bang my head and headed to the counter. In the end, what I picked up wasn’t headphones but an earphone cord holder with a small bear face attached.
“That’s 2,500 won.”
“Here.”
I held out my card and waited for payment when suddenly the back of my neck felt cool. A chilly mint scent came. It was a familiar pheromone. I took back my card, roughly shoved it in my pocket, and turned around. A beat late, I heard the clerk’s voice muttering, “Ah, shit, what the…”
Someone was reaching out a hand toward Chiwon, who was standing holding the door, and looking closely at the face, it was Kim Jaeui. Mother was an only child, and Father only had one brother as a sibling, plus Uncle hadn’t married, so Kim Jaeui was the only relative my age around me. Great-grandfather had passed away when I was young, so Grandfather would often create occasions to have meals together with Uncle’s family and Uncle, but recently there hadn’t been many family gatherings. In fact, as days went by, Kim Jaeui acted strangely, plus Kim Jaeui’s friends openly showed their dislike of Junsu and me, so to be honest, I found Kim Jaeui awkward. Though we played together well when we were young…
Kim Jaeui would occasionally send me looks that were difficult for me to understand. At one time I wondered if he disliked me, but I soon stopped that too. Thinking I’d know someday.
Since I hadn’t expected to meet him here, I was a little flustered. But when I approached the two closely, I saw Chiwon’s deathly pale face. It was a face completely terrified. First, to bring Chiwon away from Kim Jaeui’s rude pheromones, I reached out and cupped Chiwon’s face. Chiwon must have been surprised, but I couldn’t think of a faster method than this.
Looking at his usual behavior and face, he didn’t seem like it at all, but Kim Jaeui’s pheromones had quite a rough edge. My mood gradually became unpleasant at the sharp pheromones. I didn’t much like these pheromones touching Chiwon. While covering Chiwon’s eyes and nose, I released my pheromones and surrounded the area. Then I felt Chiwon’s rigidly stiff body slowly relax. And only then did I feel breath from under the hand covering Chiwon’s face. I realized that until then, Chiwon hadn’t even been able to breathe.
Having pheromones stuck all over the entrance was a nuisance to the store, and blocking the door with our bodies was also a nuisance, so I first took Chiwon and left the spot. Kim Jaeui followed my movements with his gaze, then moved his steps following me.
Those eyes again. Eyes containing emotions difficult to distinguish whether they wanted me to understand or not let me understand.
“What brings you here?”
“To buy headphones.”
“…What’s with that kid?”
“A friend.”
Not wanting to have a long conversation, I cut off my answers sharply. Kim Jaeui stared intently at Chiwon’s face hidden under my hand.
In fact, covering Chiwon’s face was also because I hoped Kim Jaeui wouldn’t remember him. Just for being friends with me, Junsu heard a lot of harsh words from Kim Jaeui’s friends. It didn’t seem like those guys wouldn’t mess with Chiwon either.
“A friend? That kid?”
“Yeah.”
At my answer, Kim Jaeui made a strange expression. Not knowing how to interpret that, I was glaring at Kim Jaeui when I felt my sleeve being tugged.
“Why? Ah, your hand?”
Chiwon was pulling my sleeve. It seemed to mean he wanted me to lower my hand, but I didn’t want to show Chiwon’s face to Kim Jaeui. After pondering briefly, as soon as I took my hand away from Chiwon’s face, I turned Chiwon around backward.
“Well then, I’ll be going. See you.”
At my sudden farewell, Kim Jaeui made a bewildered expression, but I waved my hand and pushed Chiwon. Kim Jaeui didn’t say goodbye, but I figured he must have left.
When we got a bit farther away, Chiwon asked about Kim Jaeui. His voice was a bit hoarse. Not wanting Chiwon to have a relationship with Kim Jaeui, I honestly told him not to get close to Kim Jaeui. At my half-joking, half-serious words “only play with me,” Chiwon burst into laughter. I looked at Chiwon, who was finally making a comfortable expression, while hiding my inner thoughts.
Kim Jaeui’s pheromones were certainly threatening. But Chiwon had been more frightened than that. Normally he would have stepped aside from the doorway, but the Chiwon from earlier had just stood still watching Kim Jaeui’s hand trying to push him aside. His deathly pale face didn’t seem to be standing there blankly but looked frozen in place.
