“Did Secretary Cha give you the injection?”
“Yes. It looked like an urgent situation, so I did so without permission. I’m sorry. Your clothes are just as you were wearing them. Please change once you’ve recovered your strength.”
“Thank you. Really.”
I rubbed my face. I was completely drained. The fever seemed to have gone down a little, as it didn’t seem as high as before. Secretary Cha handed me a glass of water.
Suddenly, a vanilla scent brushed past my nose. I forgot about drinking the water and grabbed Secretary Cha.
“Secretary. Eorin… What about Eorin? What happened to Eorin?”
“The president also received an injection. I moved him to a different place, so he’s resting now.”
“Ah…”
That was a relief. The tears I’d last seen on Eorin’s face remained deeply etched in my mind and wouldn’t leave. As I fiddled with the cup, Secretary Cha took a step.
“I’ll be going now. I’ll watch Jiwon, so don’t worry and rest.”
“Ah, no! I’ll—”
“No, you need to rest. Your fever still hasn’t gone down.”
“But you have work…”
“It’s fine. The president asked me to. Then, please rest.”
“…Yes. Thank you.”
Secretary Cha bowed to me and closed the door. After emptying the entire cup of water, I placed it on the nightstand and flopped backward onto the bed. I was worried about Jiwon too, but honestly, I wasn’t in any condition to look after a child.
I thought of Eorin. Eorin, who had been hit with rut and had a heat cycle omega right before his eyes, yet gritted his teeth and endured it. Eorin, who grabbed me as I tried to fall off the bed, told me to stay here, and retreated while crying.
The fact that Secretary Cha came meant Eorin had called the secretary. It must have been difficult to maintain his sanity. Even I, a recessive, wanted and wanted so much that I nearly lost my mind, so it must have been worse for Eorin, a dominant. But Eorin didn’t do that. He didn’t try to have relations with me, and he left the room for my sake.
How could he do that? Why did Eorin cry? The shoulders that had been soaked with tears were half-dried, still slightly damp.
For me to have a heat cycle when Eorin happened to hit his rut. Was it a coincidence? Could it coincidentally be like that? It was a bit strange, but there was no other way to explain it. Heat and rut coming together was something that only appeared between imprinted pairs. But Eorin and I hadn’t imprinted. Generally, imprinting is said to happen during knotting, and we hadn’t even had relations, let alone being separated for over ten years… So, it must have been a coincidence.
My head was spinning. I’d gone into heat for Eorin. Eorin must have surely smelled my pheromones craving him. My god, heat…
Knowing that I’d gone into heat for him, what did Eorin think? Did he hate it? He must have hated it.
A memory I’d tried hard to forget came to mind. Something I’d never wanted to recall until the very end.
[I liked you a lot. Eorin-ah.]
That text message that had been the last. Even after we met again, Eorin had never once talked to me about that message.
Had he forgotten? Forgotten the confession I made too… and then while living like that, did he think of me? So he contacted me…
My head was spinning round and round. I squeezed my eyes shut. It was my fault from the start. Just because heat cycles rarely came didn’t mean I should let my guard down. For heat to come when I was sick and out of it, of all times.
It was all my fault. It was all my fault that Eorin suffered.
I just hoped Eorin wouldn’t find it hard to look at my face. But contrary to my wishes, from that day on, Eorin didn’t come home for several days.
[Too much work, can’t come home today]
[Sorry. Too much to handle]
[Can’t come home today either. Sorry]
I looked at the messages I’d received over the past few days. He said it was overtime, but in the end, he didn’t come home. Was he living at the company? What about clothes? Worries followed one after another. The end of it all was a sigh.
He’s avoiding me.
It was obvious to anyone. Eorin was avoiding me. The shock must have been great. I put down my phone and gently squeezed the hand of Jiwon, who was sitting on my lap eating strawberries while watching TV.
“Uncle, what’s wrong?”
“…Nothing.”
“Mm.”
I handed Jiwon the fork with a strawberry on it and told him to finish eating. Jiwon turned his gaze back to the TV, chomping away again.
What should I do? There was only one answer. Bury it. That was the only thing I knew how to do anyway.
“Sorry, Jiwon-ah.”
“For what?”
“Appa… for making him not come home.”
“Did Uncle tell him not to come?”
“No… but I think he can’t come because of me.”
“Why?”
“It’s not that we fought…”
“Then it’s fine. When Appa comes home, just go ‘yay~’ and that’s it.”
Jiwon patted the back of my hand. It was probably meant to be comforting in his own way. Seeing how he immediately turned his gaze back to the TV, it seemed he’d answered halfheartedly because I kept bothering him and it was annoying.
Would that really be okay? If I cut it off pretending not to know and welcomed him as usual, would Eorin be okay too?
Yeah. I decided to bury that incident too. Like everything else.
Eorin returned two days after that. Since there was no message all day saying he’d be late today, just in case, after putting Jiwon to bed, I sat on the living room sofa and waited for Eorin. Like I always did.
If I treat him like usual, it’ll be okay. I repeated that thought like a vow.
“…won-ah.”
At some point, I must have fallen asleep. I was dozing while leaning against the sofa back when I came to my senses at a hand shaking my body. Eorin was in front of me. I was startled and straightened my posture.
“Eorin-ah!”
“…Why are you sleeping here?”
Eorin smelled of alcohol. Had he been drinking? Eorin had never come home after drinking before. I looked for signs of intoxication on Eorin’s face as I got up from the sofa. The face I was seeing after so long was full of exhaustion. The thought crossed my mind that maybe he really couldn’t come home because of work.
“You’re back?”
“…Yeah. Work…”
Eorin, who was about to say something, soon closed his mouth firmly. Normally he would go straight to his room. I waited, thinking he might have something to say, but his mouth never opened in the end. So eventually, I spoke first.
“…Go in and rest. You must be tired.”
“…”
I didn’t ask Eorin anything. Not the reason he hadn’t come home for several days, not the reason for the coincidental rut, not the reason for his tears. Instead, as usual, I gave him a good night greeting.
“Good night.”
I turned around just like that. The reason I’d waited for Eorin was for this greeting. Until then, Eorin had been standing as if nailed to the spot.
I moved my steps slowly. And the moment I opened the door to my room, Eorin, who had only been standing still behind me, approached me in an instant.
“…? Eorin…!”
Eorin grabbed my shoulder and pulled me into the room. I heard the sound of the door closing behind me. The smell of alcohol wafted from Eorin, who was close to me. While holding onto me, Eorin was silent again. A cold energy seeped out from the wall touching my back.
“…Eorin-ah…?”
“Why?”
Eorin, who had been looking down, suddenly raised his head. The lights weren’t on, so in the dark room, the only light was the streetlight coming through the window. Eorin’s face, barely visible, looked unexpectedly desperate. At that expression, as if painfully enduring suffering, I found myself at a loss for words.
“Why?”
“…”
“Why aren’t you asking me anything?”
I inhaled. Eorin was touching my depths.
“Why, why aren’t you asking me anything? Why? Aren’t you curious about anything? What I did for several days, why I didn’t come home, why I had a rut, what happened that day!”
“…”
“…Junsu, aren’t you curious about what Junsu’s doing with his life? Aren’t you curious if Woojin still plays piano? Aren’t you curious at all?”
…I was curious. I missed them so much I thought I’d die. I really thought I’d die. Does Junsu still oversleep? Is he still doing the photography he loved? Is he still cheerful and kind? Does Woojin still like piano? Even without me, did he like basketball? Is he still innocent and gentle like a child…
I bit my lip. Because it felt like it would burst out of my mouth.
“Aren’t you curious about me?”
But too much time had passed to ask such things. All those things were in the box at the very innermost part of my heart. Over ten years had passed with a label stuck on it saying it must never be opened.
“Where and how I’ve changed, where I haven’t changed.”
“…Eorin-ah.”
“How I’ve been. How much of an adult I’ve become…”
Aren’t you curious about any of it?
Suddenly, a vanilla scent burst from Eorin. I stepped back without realizing it, but there was nowhere to go because of the wall behind me. Seeing me try to get away from him, Eorin made an expression like he was about to burst into tears at any moment.
“Chiwon-ah…”
Eorin’s pheromones didn’t approach hastily. Just slowly, slowly touching me. A deep and soft vanilla scent began to slowly envelop me.
It felt like the whole world was Eorin. It felt like I was deeply buried in Eorin’s embrace. Even though Eorin was only touching my shoulders, I felt as if I was touching skin with Eorin.
The pheromones slowly traced my face. My lips trembled.
I couldn’t not know the meaning. It wasn’t coercion or force at all, just a plain and honest seduction. A touch like a plea touching my entire body.
Why? Why are you doing this to me? Confusion filled my head until it felt like it would burst open. At that moment, everything touching me froze and stopped stiffly. Eorin’s hands, pheromones, even his breath—everything.
It was because of my tears.
“…That’s low…”
“…”
“That’s low of you…”
I knew my eyes had turned red. Because they stung hotly.
“Even though you know, you know I liked you… You know, you. You know it!”
Sobs burst out. I tried hard to hold back my gasping breaths.
“Why did you find me? Why? I was burying everything and living well, why!”
“Chiwon-ah.”
“Why did you find me? If you hadn’t found me, if you hadn’t, I would have kept living with it buried.”
“…”
“I could have done that…”
To me, Eorin was a symbol of those happy times I could never return to. Just taking out that feeling made it shine so brightly, and knowing I couldn’t go back made my heart ache so much…
