Since I’m not good at sports, I didn’t participate in most of the games, but I did participate in games like human tower building or piggyback races. Of course, I was the one who went on top or got carried. Sadly, I was on the smaller side in our class. Junsu was only a little taller than me, but maybe because he ran around the playground every day, he didn’t feel light, and Woojin and Eorin were at the very bottom middle position when we built the human tower. I don’t like being skinny, but seeing Woojin and Eorin’s faces quickly turn gray as they rubbed their backs, I thought for once I was fortunate to be light.
After the recreation ended and we returned to our room, we had to go out again because we needed to buy Junsu’s toothbrush. Since it was rest time before bedtime, the canteen was still open. While Junsu chose a toothbrush, Eorin and Woojin circled around the snack corner. Eorin seemed to be replenishing the snacks that had been taken by the kids in the room during rest time after dinner, and Woojin just couldn’t pass by the snack corner.
I said I’d wait outside the canteen since I didn’t really have anything to buy. This training center was large in scale and several schools were using it at once, and since rest times overlapped, not only our school’s kids but kids from other schools were crowded in the canteen, so there wasn’t even room to step.
Standing in front of the canteen seemed like I’d be in the way of people passing by, so I moved to sit on a chair in the lobby in front of the canteen. But someone grabbed my shoulder from behind.
“……!”
When I turned around, it was the Class 6 kid who had asked me to hold his cigarettes during the day. Was he going to get angry because he was upset about earlier? I was about to get scared for a moment, but the fact that there were many people around was somewhat comforting. Moreover, my friends were inside the canteen. Not wanting to show an unseemly appearance, I wrapped myself in bravado. I was about to boldly ask what he wanted.
“Hey, isn’t that Kim Hyeonho? Hey, Kim Hyeonho!”
Someone approached and put their arm around the Class 6 kid’s shoulder. The Class 6 kid’s name was Kim Hyeonho. Kim Hyeonho…… Kim Hyeonho. It seemed like a name I’d heard somewhere.
“What, is he your friend?”
The kid who had put their arm around Kim Hyeonho’s shoulder turned their head toward me. But…….
“……Huh.”
“……!”
“What. This kid was here too?”
Lee Jaeseong. He was one of the kids who persistently bullied me in middle school. He definitely went to Hanseong High. Hanseong High must have also come here for their retreat. Lee Jaeseong grinned at me.
“Nice to see you. Long time no see?”
“……”
“You seem to be doing well these days. Your face has filled out?”
“……”
“Hey, aren’t you going to answer?”
The courage I had forcibly gathered to speak to Kim Hyeonho leaked out between my fingers, leaving barely a handful in my palm. What should I do? What should I do? Because I thought I’d never see them again, this situation was unexpected. I’d never imagined what I should do if I met them again. Ignore them? Or should I get angry? While I was confused and couldn’t say anything, Lee Jaeseong seemed to think I was ignoring him and started getting increasingly angry.
“This bastard hasn’t seen me for a few months and his guts have grown? Hey, you must be doing pretty well, huh?”
“……”
“You’re living off other people’s money and went to an expensive school for free, so of course you’re doing well, right?”
Lee Jaeseong’s hand approached near my shoulder. I took a breath. Was it going to repeat again? But in that moment, Kim Hyeonho’s face came into my view. Kim Hyeonho was looking at me with wide eyes. I hadn’t thought about Kim Hyeonho seeing everything. In less than 5 minutes, Kim Hyeonho learned all my secrets.
Just because my friends recognized me didn’t mean I had really overcome everything all at once. I knew that trauma isn’t easily erased. Lee Jaeseong gently stroked my nape with his finger. I bit down hard on my teeth.
Lee Jaeseong giggled.
“When I went to high school, I was so bored without you. We’ve known each other well since elementary school, right? It’s been a while, so show me your pheromones. Isn’t that bastard Gyuchan still jerking off thinking about you? There’s no better material than you. If you leaked pheromones now, he’d get a hard-on and come running excitedly. Don’t you miss Gyuchan?”
Lee Jaeseong stroked my chin. I clenched my fists and took a deep breath. I was scared but…… it was okay. I knew it would be okay. I slowly raised my hand and pushed Lee Jaeseong’s arm away.
“……What?”
“……Don’t.”
Had I ever stood on my own two feet like this and uttered words of refusal? It was probably the first time. Because I had always been scared and just endured. Lee Jaeseong seemed surprised too, with a dumbfounded expression. But it was momentary. Anger quickly spread across Lee Jaeseong’s face.
Because it was the training center and in front of the canteen, instructors were nearby. Knowing that fact, Lee Jaeseong wasn’t causing a commotion like in middle school, but his hot-blooded nature remained the same, so as soon as he thought I was defying him, he was about to burst out in anger. But I struck first.
“Don’t. I, I’m not happy to see you. Without you…… I’ve been doing well, and I don’t want to see Choi Gyuchan either.”
I stuttered and trembled, but still, I spoke up. It wasn’t entirely my own courage. Because I could speak because I saw Eorin’s face discovering me and running toward me from behind Lee Jaeseong. If Eorin, who could say what was right was right, would be by my side, I felt like I could do it too. It somehow felt cowardly that I still couldn’t muster courage without something to lean on, but that couldn’t be helped. My best at the moment was only this far.
Still, compared to before, I had moved forward one step. From now on, I would move forward much more.
“What, you little bastard……”
“Don’t touch me. That’s viole…… violence. What you just said to me too…… is violence, and sexual harassment.”
That night, after crying so much that my face stung even from the breeze, sitting side by side looking at the streetlight. The kids who held my hand said that. What you’ve been suffering was violence, and it was unjust.
“Apologize. Apologize to me.”
“What did you just say? This bastard wants to get beaten, completely-.”
“Hey, what are you doing? Who are you?”
Something seemed to surge up from inside. Overwhelmed by emotion, I almost screamed for him to apologize. But fortunately, before that, Eorin, who had come running, grabbed Lee Jaeseong’s shoulder and pushed him back to create distance. Lee Jaeseong was pushed back and staggered, losing his grip on Kim Hyeonho. Kim Hyeonho, who was neither a complete outsider nor exactly involved, stood blankly looking at me. Why was he looking at me with that expression?
“Fuck, what?”
“What are *you* doing? Do you have business with Chiwon?”
Even Junsu and Woojin joined in, completely blocking Lee Jaeseong from view. Only then did I feel relieved. I still felt at ease only when standing behind my friends’ backs. I shouldn’t just lean on them forever.
“What, is this bastard your friend? You went to high school and even made friends?”
Lee Jaeseong laughed as if dumbfounded. Eorin’s back stiffened rigidly, and Junsu bristled up and was about to rush forward when.
“What’s going on there?”
An instructor appeared. The atmosphere wasn’t good, so someone must have called an instructor. Lee Jaeseong turned his head.
“……It’s nothing.”
The instructor looked us over with suspicious eyes. Since there had been no physical fight, our appearances were fine. The instructor confirmed that Lee Jaeseong and we were from different schools and had each group return to their rooms.
“……”
Kim Hyeonho, who had been looking at me briefly as if he had something to say, also seemed to head to his room at the instructor’s direction. Perhaps noticing that strength had left my legs, Eorin held my hand.
While returning to the room, I held back tears that were about to come. Why were tears coming? Although I only mustered courage after seeing Eorin’s face, and ended up hiding behind my friends at the end, still, I had said what I wanted to say for the first time. I thought I had done well myself. But tears kept trying to come. However, this wasn’t my room but the training center hallway, and I didn’t want to cry in a place with so many watching eyes.
After being silent for a while, after the tears that had welled up in my eyes dried, I spoke first. I still couldn’t stand this kind of atmosphere.
“Uh…… Junsu. Did you, buy your toothbrush?”
Junsu nodded but didn’t look at me. When I was becoming restless, Eorin muttered.
“What should I do?”
“Hm……?”
“I’m incredibly angry at that bastard right now……”
Eorin put his hand on my head and roughly patted it. My hair quickly became disheveled.
“I can’t get angry because I’m proud that you fought.”
Junsu suddenly reached out his hand, grabbed my cheek, and stretched it.
“What should I do first? Should praise come first after all?”
Woojin suddenly put his hands under my armpits and lifted me up. This time I was really surprised.
“You did well, Chiwon.”
Woojin praised me. Scared that my feet had left the ground, I grabbed Woojin’s arm and looked down when water dripped from my eyes. I thought all the tears had gone in. Perhaps surprised that I was crying, Woojin hurriedly put me down in the hallway.
“So, sorry. Did I scare you?”
“No, it’s okay. Why am I like this……”
“Huk!”
Junsu covered his mouth. I stopped wiping my face and looked at Junsu in surprise.
“I guess he felt hurt that we didn’t praise him!”
“What, that can’t be! No, Chiwon. Right now our hearts are full of pride!”
“This is serious, we need to quickly pat-pat him.”
This time Eorin hugged me and patted the back of my head. Junsu and Woojin also hugged me tightly. Because it was the hallway, passing kids glanced at us wondering what was going on, but I seemed to be the only one who cared about that.
“Our Chiwon did well.”
“……Yeah.”
“You’ve grown so much, you’ve grown.”
“I got angry too, earlier. I almost yelled for him to apologize.”
“That’s getting angry? Let’s relearn how Chiwon gets angry. Learn from Eorin. He can make that bastard’s tears drain out.”
“How can I teach that? Where is there anyone as gentle as me?”
“……? Who are you? Where did Kim Eorin go?”
When I giggled, the kids also giggled along. Realizing that rest time was almost over was thanks to Eorin who was wearing a wristwatch. Since none of us had showered yet, we hurried back to our room to not be late for roll call. We couldn’t run because Junsu had already experienced getting severely scolded by the instructor during the day for running in the hallway, so we walked quickly in a hurry, but even while saying with our mouths that we were late, late, everyone’s faces were smiling.
