“Why the hell with a spoon!”
“If you’re done eating, fuck off.”
“Whoa. I didn’t come to eat with you, I’m eating with Kkotmoa and you followed along, you know?”
“We’re not going on a weekend trip together, so fuck off, you mutt bastard.”
“An anchovy daring to keep calling who a mutt!”
“Because you’re an anchovy, you can’t see anything, so I’m calling you a mutt. Where is there a word that suits you better than that?”
While Kang Junwoo and I were showing a Dumb & Dumber combo, Kkotmoa, who got up giggling, paid the bill first. Since I bought dinner every day, Kkotmoa tried to pay for the lunch we ate together after Monday, Wednesday, Friday lectures ended. Of course, there were more days when Kang Junwoo paid, but Kkotmoa was dying to pay himself.
“If you have any sense, move quickly so his wallet doesn’t open.”
“Why should I open my wallet when it’s not even my flower?”
“……Let’s not talk. Ignorant bastard.”
“A more ignorant bastard is talking. Did you even hold hands with Kkotmoa? Virgin bastard, what are you going to do now that you don’t even have the God of Study to mention?”
“Don’t worry. There’s the God of Sleep, the God of Calm, and whatever you attach it to becomes a god, so what more do you need?”
“……Are you a punk?”
“I don’t think that’s something I should hear from you. Now go on your way.”
I sent him a look that said I’d kill him if he followed and quickly went to Kkotmoa. I heard Kang Junwoo shouting something about punk from behind, but I pretended not to know. Of course, it naturally reached Kkotmoa’s ears too.
“What’s he saying? Why is Junwoo calling you a punk?”
“He’s not saying it to me.”
“Then?”
“He’s blaming himself for being like a punk for planning to go on a trip with his new girlfriend this weekend. Fortunately, he still has some conscience left. Anyway, you don’t need to worry about it.”
Kkotmoa briefly looked back at Kang Junwoo, who was still raving about punks, and giggled. Covering his mouth with one hand and giggling with his shoulders shaking remained unchanged. I always wished my flower’s days would be filled only with things to laugh so brightly and innocently about. If I could make that happen, I was confident I could ruin myself as much as needed.
“Don’t you work part-time on weekdays?”
“No. On weekdays, I want to spend time with Jae-a. I don’t want to make him lonely. Even though the kid is mature and doesn’t say it, when I worked part-time every single day before, he was probably very lonely.”
These days, I was on the verge of my head exploding from worrying about how to let Kkotmoa earn money without hurting his feelings. Even if the bonus appendix called Samyukshippal came along, finding a way for Kkotmoa to not feel bad, be with me, and even earn money was not an easy task.
My lecture timetable was a mess. The courses I initially adjusted didn’t match the times when Kkotmoa finished, so I went around to professors one by one, begging and pleading to adjust again. It would have been difficult if I hadn’t been imprinted in the professors’ eyes as having a good image with the background of D Group, the title of top of the class, and usually proper conduct.
Therefore, now, excluding the liberal arts course we took together on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I had even matched the times when our respective major classes ended. Of course, it was a messy timetable with a lot of wasted time in between. Still, I was satisfied with my timetable. Because after class ended, I could go with Kkotmoa every day to pick up Samyukshippal at elementary school. It was also the reason I drove to school every single day after returning from Yangpyeong. To me, that road felt like a drive with Kkotmoa.
“But……”
“Huh?”
Kkotmoa, who naturally got in the passenger seat, started speaking while fastening his seatbelt. I was also turning on the ignition and fastening my seatbelt when I heard absurd words.
“Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim, you seem to be popular?”
“Not at all, hubae-nim.”
“Thinking about it, you were really popular even in the old days, so it was a bit strange that you were nice to me.”
“What’s strange about that? Of course I want to be nice to the person I like.”
“……As shameless as ever.”
You were smiling while calling me shameless. So I could check that my current method wasn’t wrong, and I could bring up what felt off. Perhaps because we were driving on a quiet road, it felt like we were the only ones in the world.
“Moa-ya.”
“Yeah?”
“I know it’s hard for you to accept my feelings right now. But……”
“……”
“When the time comes that you can accept them, if you’re at a loss for what to say, just call my name.”
If you gently call my name, I will have gained the world. It will fill me more completely than any catharsis. With just one word of my name called by you.
“I don’t know the reason, but you don’t call my name. When you can accept my feelings, if you call my name then, I’ll understand well on my own.”
“……I’m a bit scared.”
“Of what?”
“Since meeting you again, it’s been like I’m constantly dreaming. Every single day that’s beyond my station feels like a dream, and I wonder if it’s okay to be like this in a dream, and I worry what if I wake up from this dream……”
“It’s not a dream. I’m working hard in reality to create dreamlike days for you. Distinguish it clearly—even if it’s dreamlike, it’s not a dream.”
I placed my hand over his hands that were neatly placed on his thighs. It was really a lot of progress. Since asking him to share the calm God’s energy on the way to Yangpyeong, I really shamelessly held Kkotmoa’s hand every time I drove. When Samyukshippal was there, I endured it because Kkotmoa seemed uncomfortable, but on the way to pick him up, I deliberately took the long way to increase the time holding hands.
“If you call my name……”
Even though I confessed while making eye contact several times, my heart pounded and trembled every time I confessed. In this enclosed space, even my mouth dried up and the tension increased.
“I know this sounds childish and cringey, but……”
Swallowing dry saliva, I interlaced our fingers joint by joint.
“From now on, I’ll make you walk only on a path of flowers.”
Wherever your footsteps land, I will become that path of flowers.
Because you are a flower, the path you walk is a path of flowers.
**6. My Flower**
“Hyeondo-ya.”
I wondered if I was hearing things. Since I had just blurted out words that even I thought were cheesy and cringey, I was extremely tense and needed to confirm if I’d heard wrong.
“……Did you just call my name?”
“Yeah, Hyeondo-ya.”
“……”
“What, you said you’d understand well on your own, but that was a lie— Huk! You scared me!”
Without realizing it, I turned the steering wheel and stepped on the brakes hard, stopping the car on the shoulder. If we hadn’t been wearing seatbelts, it would have been quite a dangerous situation. Thanks to being trained in car racing, we didn’t get in an accident, but I was so flustered I was out of my mind. Even in the midst of that, my hand was blocking Kkotmoa’s chest so his body wouldn’t be thrown forward.
“Ah, I’m, I’m sorry. Are you okay? Were you very surprised?”
“Whew…… I was really startled. Why did you suddenly brake? Was there something ahead?”
“No, that’s not it, I didn’t expect you to call my name this quickly, no, I mean, that, what is it, you just called my name, right? You understood what I said, right? So you called it?”
“……I’m not stupid enough to not understand what you said.”
“No, I know that, but, that, there, I mean, now, then……, uh, that, are you accepting my confession?”
“Puhoot, ……you’ve returned to being cute Hyeondo again.”
How can he say this kind of thing in this situation? My heart feels like it’s about to burst and I don’t feel a sense of reality, I’m even getting dizzy, but at Kkotmoa’s relaxed reaction, I wondered if he was playing with me.
“You, this time too, and even before, what kind of confessor just confesses and doesn’t listen to the answer?”
“……Huh?”
“Before I can even answer, you conclude things on your own and start your next action on your own. But then I miss the timing to answer too, so it’s a bit awkward.”
“Ah……”
Kkotmoa timidly started playing with my fingers that had been blocking his chest again. He seemed to be trembling and excited a little too. Suddenly, the hand touching him was so hot it felt like it was burning in fire. However, even if my hand burned and turned to ash, I wanted to be certain.
“Um, so, are we dating? Are you accepting me?”
“……Don’t want to?”
“No, I don’t not want to. No, it’s not that I don’t not want to, I like it. I really like it. I like it so much, so, ah, what should I say, ah, I like you.”
“……”
“I like you, Moa-ya. I’ll do well.”
Why does this feel so unreal?
Clearly my hand was hot as if burning in fire and Kkotmoa was smiling brightly before my eyes, but it felt like I was dreaming. The facial muscles smiling on their own because I was so happy felt awkward, and everything felt like it had no sense of reality.
Honestly, because of the wrongs I did in the past, I didn’t think he would accept me this quickly. He was beautiful looking at me upright without avoiding my eyes and smiling. I could see the tips of his ears and the nape of his neck flushed red. Looking at how I also felt hot, it seemed I wasn’t much better.
“Can I kiss you?”
“……Do Hyeondo sunbae-nim, do you kiss right after you start dating? Are you the style that moves things along first?”
At the innocent question, I wondered if this was too fast when we just decided to date. Kkotmoa’s attitude of drawing a line was like that. Because I had endured for too long, it didn’t feel fast to me at all, but even if I was his first love, for Kkotmoa who had just decided to accept me, it could be fast. Whether it’s me or Kang Junwoo, guys’ lust is about the same, but Kkotmoa was a different existence.
