“You’ve been doing math lately, so your calculations have gotten really sharp, huh?”
“It’s all thanks to the math god-nim. So, about that…”
Kkotmoa, sitting across from me, started fiddling with my right hand with both of his hands. The parts that touched burned hot like a scald and tingled. So this kid is also a red-blooded nineteen-year-old, and like all the other guys do, with these small, delicate hands, he grabs that place and…
“Do Teacher.”
“Huh, huh? Ah, uh. What.”
I stuttered in surprise, startled that I might have been caught thinking what I was thinking. Kkotmoa tilted his head and stared at me for a moment, wondering why I was acting that way, then showed a bright and innocent smile.
“Would it be too shameless if I tried to receive the aura of the language domain god too?”
How much deeper are you trying to dig into my heart by stirring me up like this? You’re so innocent and pure, there’s no way you’d do anything weird while looking at something strange. These pretty hands aren’t for that place, but only to hold my hand like this.
Just holding hands satisfies me—you were my pure love.
I also knew why Kkotmoa was seeking the gods of studying. The placebo effect. A phenomenon where a doctor proposes a fake medicine with no effect or a fabricated treatment to a patient, but the patient’s positive belief improves their condition. The gods of studying probably had that meaning for Kkotmoa.
Even knowing that, I was swayed back and forth, unable to collect myself at his every word. My greed was inflating its size very subtly, to the point of being invisible. With courage from who knows where, I made eye contact with Kkotmoa and interlaced my fingers with his. The feeling of each joint of our fingers touching and entwining completely made my earlobes flush hot. Without avoiding his eyes, I opened my mouth. My tense voice was a bit agitated.
“…The language god is like this, is that okay?”
“Why wouldn’t it be okay?”
He asked while gripping back the hand I had interlaced with his. He asked so innocently and naively that I was momentarily at a complete loss for words. As if he was really asking because he didn’t know.
Well, I’m a man, and you’re a man too, and if anyone in our class interlaced fingers with my hand I’d feel like killing them, and even if it’s Kang Junwoo who I’m close with, I’d feel like breaking his finger joints, so interlacing fingers and holding hands like this is something you’d only do with a girlfriend you like…
Hmm…, but I like you, and because I like you, I want to hold hands with you even if I have to use the ridiculous excuse of studying gods, and now I can’t be satisfied with just hands, so I want to entwine all my fingers and hold hands with interlaced fingers…
“You don’t want to share the aura of the language god?”
“It’s not that…”
“If it’s not that? Then what’s not okay?”
“…No.”
There were many answers I could give, but all that came out of my mouth was just this. I didn’t want to miss this opportunity. Even if Kkotmoa considered it a placebo effect.
“Then share the aura of the language god well too. I think it’ll be even more effective than the math god and English god.”
Kkotmoa smiled and whispered softly like a gentle breeze on a hot summer day. We’re both nineteen-year-old guys, but I don’t know what makes him so delicate. If someone who didn’t know saw him, they’d think he was born as the late youngest son of a wealthy family, raised knowing nothing of the world, like a greenhouse flower under countless protections, monopolizing all kinds of love. He was that lovely. Meanwhile, Kang Junwoo, who actually has those conditions, is like a weed rather than a flower.
“What if I get a perfect score on the college entrance exam at this rate?”
Kkotmoa, who was lying down with his cheek against the table while playing with our interlaced hands, furrowed his brow. I couldn’t help but smile slightly at his cute worry. Even though he had no need to worry about that at all with his current grades, he was seriously worried about it, so I reflexively responded without thinking.
“Then we’d go to the same university too.”
I wanted to attend university with him too. I wanted to wear casual clothes instead of uniforms, roam the campus together, and share each other’s time. Take liberal arts classes together, study together at the library, sometimes go to cafes, go to movie theaters, or if there’s an opportunity, even travel…
“I want to go to the same university as you. Even if I receive the aura of gods for each subject, that would be impossible, right? You’re playing around nationally while I’m playing around in class like Junwoo.”
If I had known Kkotmoa would say something like this with his cheeks puffed out and lips pouted in a sulky expression, I wouldn’t have said that crap to Kang Junwoo.
‘Are you, who plays around nationally, the same as you, who plays around in class?’
No. Seeing this expression, it seems I absolutely had to say that. Even when eating, his cheeks bulge out like a squirrel, but the sight of him deliberately puffing air into his cheeks and pouting his lips was so cute it was embarrassing. Poking his cheek with my free hand was purely impulsive.
“Why? Do you think my dream is too big too?”
The air deflated from his cheeks, then puffed up again as he finished speaking. I poked his cheek once more. The tips of my index finger that touched his cheek tingled because of the texture that was chewier than glutinous rice cake and softer than custard. My heart tickled too.
“Even if I died and came back to life, I couldn’t go to the same university as you, right?”
“…It’s not like there’s no way.”
“Really? How?”
Kkotmoa, who had been looking up at me with his cheek against the table, quickly raised his head. His eyes sparkled as if lasers would shoot out. My chest swelled with a tingling fullness, feeling like he also sincerely wanted to go to the same university as me.
“I could just apply to the school you’re going to.”
“…What, that.”
Kkotmoa put his cheek back against the table and lay down. It was a reaction as if what I said seriously was absurd.
“Academic background isn’t important to me. As you know, I’m going to end up working at my father’s company anyway, and even if I graduate from a local junior college, no one can say anything, right?”
“I want you not to apply to a lower school because of me, but to go to a university that matches your ability. And I want you to get really good grades there like at our school and continue to be smart. Then I think I’d be really proud.”
“…Why?”
“Hmm… Because it’s you?”
My heart surged. Kkotmoa, who returned the words I had said back to me, was smiling brightly as usual, but only my heart was in chaos. Because of the shallow expectation that he might be saying this with the same feelings as me.
“Yeah, that’s right. Because it’s you.”
Saying it once more as if delivering a finishing blow was also no different from what I had said. The corners of my mouth that rose sharply reached my ears. I wanted to manage my expression somehow, but my facial muscles wouldn’t listen at all. I’m going to die, really.
I’m so happy I could die.
Until the cold noodles were delivered, Kkotmoa lay with his cheek against the table and played with my interlaced hand. Even without saying anything special, it was cozy and heart-fluttering and soft, making my whole body tingle. I had the shameless and barbaric thought of wanting to strip off my uniform at someone else’s house and scratch my entire body. I really felt like I could die from being so happy. If only I could be with him, I wanted to live as a high school senior forever.
Soon the delivery came, and we placed bibim naengmyeon, mul naengmyeon, and king-sized dumplings in the middle of the table and shared them amicably. I had never eaten like this even with Kang Junwoo, who I’ve been with like family since childhood. If we both wanted to eat, we’d order two separate bibim naengmyeon and mul naengmyeon, and even if we’d have leftovers, we’d each eat our own rather than share food from one bowl. So I felt a bit awkward but also excited.
Because unpleasant things I don’t want to do with anyone become special when done with you.
Come to think of it, the snack food Kkotmoa first bought me, we also ate together without dividing it. Back then, I had just heard that he had two dads, so I didn’t have time to feel this kind of embarrassing feeling. But today was clearly different. Putting aside the regret of the hand I pulled out to eat the cold noodles, I followed only Kkotmoa’s moving chopsticks and chewing lips with my eyes, not knowing whether the cold noodles were going into my mouth or my nose.
“I’m only going to study language domain today. That’s okay, right?”
“…Do whatever you want.”
After eating dinner, until I went home, Kkotmoa only studied language domain. To receive the aura of the language god he had newly encountered, he warmly held my hand with our fingers entwined and didn’t let go. If he had just raised his small head that was buried in the workbook a little, he would have seen the corners of my mouth reaching my ears. I was so happy I couldn’t control my facial muscles. However, Kkotmoa never raised his head once and only concentrated on studying the whole time while holding my hand with interlaced fingers.
It felt like only I was heart-fluttering and only my heart was racing from our clasped hands, like all of it was only my emotion, so even though I was really so happy, it hurt just as much.
* * *
These days, I returned home around 11 o’clock. I studied together at Kkotmoa’s house and left for home around 10:30. Because Kkotmoa’s dad, who usually closes the flower shop at 8:30, went to the hospital with Deonggeori and came home around 11, I chose to leave before that. Previously, he said he used to come home from the hospital at dawn, but it seemed the dad at the hospital was dissuading him.
Anyway, I could run into them once or twice, but even if it was for studying, it didn’t seem good to frequently run into an adult at such a late time. No, actually, I liked Kkotmoa, so I felt awkward seeing his dad for no reason.
After taking a shower, eating a late-night snack roughly, and lying on the bed, it became around 11:30. Even though I had been with him until just an hour ago, I missed Kkotmoa every night. Even on days when nothing particularly great or special happened—no, for me, just him breathing felt special, so before falling asleep I’d recall the conversations I had with Kkotmoa that day or his appearance I saw and grin to myself.
My time was divided into two. Time spent with you, and time recalling the time spent with you.
Even before falling asleep, I’d fiddle with my right hand that he had held with my left hand and smile like a pervert. And on some days, I’d get aroused alone without knowing why and comfort myself with my left hand. It was a bit uncomfortable to do it with my left hand, but it couldn’t be helped. I couldn’t possibly do such a barbaric and vulgar raw act with my right hand that had to hold a pure flower.
Today too, as I was ruminating over what happened with Kkotmoa, my phone connected to the charger vibrated. I doubted my eyes. Because even though it was a time approaching midnight, I saw the name ‘Kkotmoa’ as the caller. Sometimes Kang Junwoo, pretending to be a college student and getting drunk, would call, but this was the first time Kkotmoa, who I had been with until about an hour ago, called. My heart pounded. I swallowed dry saliva and answered quickly, afraid the call might disconnect.
