“Yeah, I’ll tell you if I need help. Thanks, Junwoo-ya.”
Even though he answered while smiling so prettily with his dimples deeply sunken, I wasn’t the only one who knew Kkotmoa wouldn’t ask us for help. That’s why Kang Junwoo also hurriedly changed the subject and made the atmosphere harmonious again. I stared at Kkotmoa conversing with Kang Junwoo from the side.
Why didn’t I know? That if there is light, there is a shadow as dark as that brightness.
Such a thought suddenly occurred to me. I worried about how much darkness Kkotmoa, who only shines and sparkles in my eyes, is holding in places I can’t see, and whether he’s really properly handling it alone with this frail body.
The appetizers were served, and Kang Junwoo explained to Kkotmoa how to eat without giving me any opening. When the steak came, he even personally cut Kkotmoa’s steak for him. Things I couldn’t do after hesitating and considering several times for fear of being embarrassed, that bastard with rabies did without a moment’s hesitation. Kkotmoa didn’t refuse and just waited as Kang Junwoo did it, then popped the pieces into his mouth.
“I’ll go to the bathroom.”
I got up to say things I couldn’t say in front of Kkotmoa. As soon as I left the room, I saw the manager who spotted me quickly approaching with a face asking if I needed anything. I moved a few steps so it wouldn’t be heard in the room. Let me say this again: I absolutely do not want Kkotmoa to feel distant from me.
“Do you need anything? You didn’t call.”
“What desserts made with mango do you have?”
“We have mango ice cream, pickled mango, mango juice, and mango pancakes prepared, and if you tell me more, I’ll prepare them.”
Kang Junwoo who casually and naturally showed manners without hesitation, and Kkotmoa who naturally received them. What Kang Junwoo did casually, I gripped my fork and knife tightly and agonized over several times but ultimately couldn’t do. Even though Kkotmoa was sitting right next to me. The reason I could suppress the irritation that was about to burst out was thanks to Kkotmoa. Because even though he said thank you to Kang Junwoo, he didn’t talk about the affection he had told me about. Because saying he liked that I was affectionate was something he only said to me…
‘I like that you’re affectionate.’
“In addition to what’s currently prepared, please prepare all desserts that can be made with mango. Ah, and bring out some fruit too.”
So I wanted to be a little more affectionate only to my flower.
Kang Junwoo’s surprised gaze followed as if asking what all this was while looking at the various types of desserts made with mango, but I pretended not to notice. Kkotmoa demolished the desserts nibbling away with a happy expression. Even Kang Junwoo, who had transformed from a dog bastard to a pig bastard, got sick of it and put down his fork saying he couldn’t eat anymore and wouldn’t even think of mango for a while, but Kkotmoa kept saying it was delicious and ate innocently. I can’t express how proud I felt watching that.
I thought I hoped Kang Junwoo would tactlessly ask to eat together again next time and bring Kkotmoa to our restaurant. Once a month, we do a dessert restaurant as an event, and I sneakily checked to see if Kkotmoa would like it more if we brought Deonggeori too on that date. But somehow I felt like if we brought Deonggeori, Kkotmoa would barely eat and only feed Deonggeori, so I immediately dropped the thought.
After eating, I first chased away the dog bastard barking noisily. When Kkotmoa said I would help him study, the bastard kept barking loudly asking since when Do Hyeondo was such a socially considerate person, why he kept managing his image in front of Kkotmoa, and to help him study today too, so noisily that my head rang and I threatened him.
“Does your eldest hyung know that you pretended to be a college student last week, went to a club, got drunk, and went to a hotel with a woman?”
Kang Junwoo spewed out every curse he could attach ‘bastard’ to at me—fucking bastard, disloyal bastard, mean bastard, bastard who’ll get hit by a stone and die on the street, bastard whose nose will break even if he falls backward, bastard who’ll bomb the college entrance exam, etc.—then waved his hand at Kkotmoa saying see you tomorrow and got in a taxi. Watching the taxi drive away, Kkotmoa giggled again.
“Among people I know, Junwoo swears the best. Not just well, but really skillfully. Now I’d feel empty if I don’t hear Junwoo’s curses.”
“You’ll have many empty moments.”
“I feel empty when studying alone too. Especially when solving math problems.”
I don’t know why this kid shakes me up so easily and randomly. If you’re going to shake me, at least give me advance notice, let me prepare my heart. Like a breeze that blows without warning and tickles, I swayed helplessly like a reed in a reed field that sways however the wind blows.
“Why when solving math problems?”
“Um… because there’s no energy of the math god?”
Those words sounded exactly like saying he wanted to hold my hand. I stared at Kkotmoa’s hand calmly placed next to his thigh. The warmth when he covered the back of my hand with his small hand for a man came to mind. The soft and lovely touch came alive. I kept clenching and unclenching my right hand that had been held by him every time we studied math.
“How do we get from here? Or should we study somewhere around here today and part ways? I don’t mind as long as I check the bus route in advance.”
“Let’s go where we were going.”
I didn’t want Kkotmoa to take the bus alone late at night. I caught a taxi, and Kkotmoa gave me 5,000 won inside the taxi.
“What’s this?”
“Half the taxi fare. When we came earlier, I saw Junwoo pay the taxi fare and it came out to a little under 10,000 won.”
In case he worried about the taxi fare, even before getting in, I had firmly told Kang Junwoo that since he was the one who suggested taking a taxi, he should pay the taxi fare. There was also the fact that I wanted to sit in the back with Kkotmoa. But I didn’t know he had seen that fare. From the 100,000 won monthly allowance Kkotmoa receives, he spent 10,000 won to buy me snack food. And now he gave me another 5,000 won. I felt like I shouldn’t accept this, but I couldn’t return it. Even without saying it in words, Kkotmoa’s firm expression was telling me to accept it.
“Since you gave me 5,000 won, don’t regret it even if it comes out to less than 10,000 won. Since we’re splitting it in half, even if you ask for a few hundred won in change or whatever, I won’t give change.”
“Okay. What’s left over is Do Teacher’s tip.”
“Says the guy who doesn’t accept tips.”
At my grumbling, Kkotmoa giggled again. I wish this kid would always smile like this. Fuck the sophistry that light and darkness coexist; I wish there was only light for him. If only this kid could shine and sparkle, I wanted to become the darkness of the night sky that could make him shine brighter.
If I take all your darkness and give you all my light, I wish my flower would just shine and sparkle anytime, anywhere.
Kkotmoa sent me to the cafe first today too and stopped by the flower shop. To wrap a flower to give me after tutoring ended.
Though I answered I would wait at the cafe, I secretly went near the flower shop. I wanted to see what expression he made, what hand gestures he used while wrapping the flower to give me. I hid my body behind a large flowerpot left in front of the door and peeked inside.
Kkotmoa was bending his waist while carrying five-year-old Deonggeori on his back, wrapping a red tulip in plastic. Since both his hands were touching the flower, little Deonggeori was in a state of dangling with his arms wrapped around Kkotmoa’s neck. Kkotmoa’s dad was giving various instructions from the other side of the table but didn’t remove Deonggeori who was uncomfortably piggybacked on Kkotmoa’s back.
Has he always wrapped flowers for me in such an uncomfortable position?
Normally, I should say let’s look at one more problem instead of stopping by the flower shop, but greedy to receive flowers from him, at the fact that he wraps flowers only for me, I shamelessly waited at the cafe every time. But even after seeing him wrapping while carrying Deonggeori on his back like that, I didn’t want to tell him to stop bringing flowers.
Kkotmoa was choosing which ribbon would make the tulip pretty by trying various colored ribbons. Among so many colors like that, I don’t know why only your color is vivid to my eyes.
At that moment, my eyes met with Deonggeori dangling on Kkotmoa’s back. Unknowingly, I made a desperate expression asking him not to tell and put my index finger to my lips. And I was certain. That squirming lump disliked me.
“Hyung-ah! Hyung-ah’s friend!”
As soon as I heard the voice, I ran like crazy. I had never run this hard even during physical fitness tests. I didn’t even know why I was running away. I just felt like I shouldn’t get caught. Since he told me to wait at the cafe, I felt like I should do that.
I returned to the cafe at full speed and gasped for breath. My breath rose to my chin and I felt like I would vomit any moment. I hurriedly took off my bag and pulled out any workbook. I took out a mechanical pencil from my pencil case and opened the workbook. I had run too hard so nothing registered in my eyes. The only thought was that I needed to catch my breath before Kkotmoa arrived. When I had regained my composure and my sweat had completely dried, Kkotmoa pulled out the opposite chair and sat down. A red tulip was placed on the table.
“What were you doing?”
“Studying.”
I answered while clicking my mechanical pencil without even giving Kkotmoa a glance. Suddenly Kkotmoa giggled. Wondering why, I raised my head and met his eyes. He was genuinely enjoying himself and laughing.
“What? Why are you laughing?”
Instead of answering, Kkotmoa laughed while holding his stomach and pointed at my workbook with his finger. Only then did I realize. That the workbook I had been blankly looking at was upside down. I had been looking at this the whole time but was so out of it that I didn’t know the workbook was flipped and the letters were upside down. I sneakily turned the workbook right side up. I wanted to die of embarrassment. I finally understood why people look for mouse holes. Kkotmoa, who I thought would ask if I had come to the flower shop, didn’t ask anything. But I could feel it. That he knew.
“Right. Why doesn’t this card run out? I calculated because it was strange, and we already passed 100,000 won a long time ago.”
Kkotmoa, who stopped laughing, took out the cafe receipts he had collected from his bag. Even assuming we spent 10,000 won each time we came, the number of receipts already exceeded 10. We started a little before mid-April, and today was the eleventh time. On the first day, one receipt increased when I bought chocolate cake to give to Deonggeori, and we didn’t always eat within 10,000 won. After 8 PM, we would add sandwiches and such to substitute for dinner. We probably spent over 10,000 won without fail each time. But I didn’t know he had collected receipts this meticulously, so I was troubled. He was really thorough.
