“Since it’s the first time doing it with hyung… What haven’t we done? Ah! Since I’ll be an adult soon, drinking together. And cigarettes… but I probably won’t learn because of the smell. Also, um… Like hyung said earlier, traveling together? …Ah! I can really drive now. When I get my license, I’ll give you a ride, hyung.”
As I chattered away, white breath rose from my mouth like smoke, and through it I felt Seongheon hyung’s warm gaze.
While I was talking for a while about my hopes and moments I regretted not being able to share with my hyungs, Seongheon hyung called me softly.
“Daeyoung.”
“So— Yeah?”
“What if I became different from usual?”
Hmm, hyung changing?
It was a perplexing question, but since I’d realized something after hearing what Gangjin hyung said last time, I answered smoothly like someone who’d prepared a speech.
“They say people have various sides. You probably don’t know everything about me either, hyung, and I don’t think what I know of Seongheon hyung now is all there is. Even if hyung changes, I’ll accept it humbly and respect your thoughts, hyung.”
I thought I answered quite well using difficult words.
I too had a history of acting as ‘Keyboard Cleaning’ in the game, the complete opposite of my obedient appearance to my hyungs. So I really hoped my hyungs would please understand what I did.
Though we grew up almost like real brothers, even if the image of Seongheon hyung I knew was just the tip of the iceberg, that itself was still hyung, unchanged, so I intended to accept it. I felt like I could do so comfortably now.
“So I’m okay with it.”
“Daeyoung…”
“I can understand.”
Seongheon hyung’s eyes widened slightly after hearing my answer.
The ends of his eyes turned up so usually he looked sharp like a cat, but at times like this, his eyes resembled the white rabbit raised at school. Like this, Seongheon hyung’s appearance also had various sides.
“Wow… I’m a little surprised.”
“Huh?”
“I didn’t know you thought so deeply. Our Daeyoung has matured beyond recognition.”
“Ah, even if I seem careless on the outside, I’m thoughtful and mature.”
“Daeyoung, come here.”
“Huh?”
*Poof*, hyung’s padding warm enough to envelop me wrapped around my entire body.
I’m wearing padding too, but I don’t know why hyung’s is warmer than mine. Like with the coat before, a pleasant fragrance came from inside this padding too. It was the perfume smell I said I liked before.
Seongheon hyung’s cheek, hotter than the hot pack in my pocket, touched my face. Partly because his body temperature rose from drinking, but hyung’s body temperature was always higher than mine. That’s why I liked hugging like this in winter, but from middle school on, the times I hugged hyung noticeably decreased.
When I was young it was because I was cute, but I thought he didn’t do it anymore because it was gross now that I’d grown… But lately Seongheon hyung hugs me freely like in the old days.
‘Is it because he’s lonely?’
Hyung’s hot lips slightly touched my earlobe frozen by the winter wind. At first I thought it was a kiss, but since I heard a whisper afterward, I thought it was an accident and pretended nothing happened.
“Daeyoung, you know.”
Hyung’s breath seemed misty, his voice slightly drunk, echoing in my ear.
“Yeah.”
“I feel so good.”
Whether because of hyung’s arms tightly embracing my back, I felt so stable that if I closed my eyes, sleepiness would come. When I blinked twice, hyung’s voice dug into my ears again.
“When did our Daeyoung grow up like this?”
“You’ve always seen me.”
“But it doesn’t feel real. It seemed so far away…”
Seongheon hyung, who’d been hugging me with our cheeks touching, pulled his face away and looked down at me at an angle. I knew hyung’s eyes were distinct, but looking closely now, every time he blinked slowly, the inner double eyelid appeared and disappeared.
“Mm…”
With Seongheon hyung’s voice resonating like humming as background, I examined his face without a single blemish a bit more.
Then feeling embarrassed about the acne scars near my chin, I lowered my head to hide it in the padding collar, when hyung cupped my cheeks with both hands.
“There’s so much I want to do with you, but I’ll hold back for now.”
“What do you want to do?”
Even though we’d been outside together, hyung’s hands were very warm, so my muscles were relaxing as if my frozen cheeks had been dipped in hot water. Today especially, Seongheon hyung seemed to have a lot to say to me urgently, yet was actually sparing his words.
Of hyung’s fingers cupping my cheeks, only the thumb touched my lips. It slowly stroked my lower and upper lips, and the feeling was strange.
It felt tingly like static electricity on my lips, so it was rather uncomfortable and I was about to tell him to stop, when hyung reprimanded me.
“What are you eating with all this stuff on your mouth?”
“Ah, something’s on it? Then tell me to wipe it.”
“I already wiped it.”
Seongheon hyung rubbed my lower lip firmly once more and removed his hand, but it still felt like hyung’s body temperature remained faintly on my lips.
Anyway, even though it would be troublesome, he wiped my mouth himself—I was impressed once again by hyung’s attentive care.
“I feel like I’m really learning a lot from hyung. How to tie a scarf, and taking care of me like this. I should do this too when I get a girlfriend later.”
“When you say things like that… I really, really feel hurt.”
“Huh?”
“Never mind.”
As hyung moved away, cold air immediately seeped into the padding.
“Hey! Gam Seongheon!! Come quickly!”
I heard Daesu hyung’s shouting voice from somewhere in the yard. Seongheon hyung put his finger to his lips saying “Shh” and disappeared from the backyard first.
Since Daesu hyung’s voice suddenly rang out, I wondered if he’d eavesdropped on our conversation, but it was directed at a different direction, not where we were.
“If you don’t come!! I’ll spread your cross-dressing photos on SNS!”
Daesu hyung repeatedly shouted toward the dark path, and that cry echoed all the way to the front mountain and came back.
I went back to the kitchen and took the rice I’d scooped to go into the outdoor tent where my hyungs were. Seongheon hyung was in the seat where he’d sat earlier, and Daesu hyung started nagging Seongheon hyung while clicking meat tongs at him.
“This Seongheon guy doesn’t show when he’s drunk. When I can’t see him, I don’t know what he’s doing where, so I have to call him by shouting no matter what.”
Only then could I understand why Daesu hyung had suddenly shouted earlier.
“Right. Before, he tried to get into the pension swimming pool.”
Gangjin hyung also chimed in from the side while emptying his soju glass, and Seongheon hyung pretended to listen quietly then tried to snatch Daesu hyung’s phone.
“Ah! Delete that photo!!”
“No way, I have to milk this for life. I’m going to use this to make you buy me a house later.”
“I feel like I deleted it once before, why is it still there?”
“You have to make backup a lifestyle. Isn’t it basic to store precious photos like this in the cloud?”
A photo of Seongheon hyung cross-dressing. Taking advantage of the confusion, I sneaked to the back out of curiosity and looked at Daesu hyung’s phone screen.
…Wait a minute.
‘Wow, shit. That person is really Seongheon hyung?’
In the photo, Seongheon hyung wore a long straight hair wig and was even wearing makeup. Looking at the younger face than now and the classroom background, it must have been costumed for a high school event.
The appearance of smiling in a white blouse suited him so well that I wondered if this is what Seongheon hyung would look like if he had a younger sister, that my heart even pounded. I couldn’t take my eyes away, thinking that if he really had a younger sister like this, wouldn’t she have been my first love during my school days?
I tried to sneak a look and slip away, but I was caught by Daesu hyung looking with a dazed gaze, captivated by the photo.
“Hey, look at Daeyoung. Kekeke. He must have fallen for it. His face is bright red even without drinking.”
“N-no! I’m just amazed!”
While telling Daesu hyung not to laugh as he mocked me, I made eye contact with Seongheon hyung sitting across from me. Perhaps because the light brown eyes I’d seen in the photo were fixed on me, they overlapped with the face in the photo.
Again, a small drum beat thump thump in my chest, so I quickly went back to my seat and sat down. Gangjin hyung brought up past stories as if expecting my reaction.
“When Seongheon cross-dressed, there were quite a few guys who confessed. Even a judo club senior came to him and kept hitting on him.”
“Whenever Seongheon appeared in the cafeteria or playground, everyone stared. Sojin noona’s wig was really a godsend.”
Ah, so it was Sojin noona’s wig.
Even though Seongheon hyung’s current appearance and the appearance in the photo had completely different atmospheres, only the eyes were the same, so I couldn’t make eye contact with hyung.
Feeling embarrassed, I just fiddled with my phone for no reason, when Seongheon hyung pulled over a chair and sat close.
“Daeyoung.”
“Yeah?”
“Was I pretty?”
“Ah…? Yeah, I think so.”
“Should I give you that photo?”
“No, it’s fine. It’s a photo you want to delete, hyung.”
“You can have it.”
“What would I do having it…”
While my voice was crawling in, Seongheon hyung’s lips came close to my ear again. Hyung is whispering an awful lot today. I even thought about making a string phone with paper cups for him.
Hyung pressed his face close enough for our fine hairs to touch and whispered so only I could hear. What he said was, to look at it when lonely at night.
“…Huh?”
Why specifically tell me to look at it on a lonely night?
Belatedly realizing Seongheon hyung’s joke, my face heated up even more. But whether I did or not, Seongheon hyung put his arm around my shoulders and snatched my phone away.
“If you don’t like that photo, let’s take one with me now.”
“Now?”
Again stupidly going “uh uh,” a photo was taken. I couldn’t even check how my face came out, but Seongheon hyung seemed satisfied and sent that photo to his own phone.
Belatedly getting my phone back from Seongheon hyung, I checked the photo. At least it was fortunate that the surroundings had a yellow light bulb glow. It hid the flushed complexion on my face, but my features were the problem.
Stuck next to Seongheon hyung, I looked like half-dried squid. I was about to delete the photo, but I couldn’t delete it because Seongheon hyung’s smiling face came out so radiantly beautiful.
Right, I’ll just seal it inside my phone. Thinking that, I turned off the screen.
