Just as he had granted Luka’s earlier request to wear something other than a patient gown, Luka found himself trusting that this man would accept his other requests just as readily, without a moment’s hesitation.
“…Fine. Show me something even more amazing later. I’ll be waiting.”
A bright smile came back at him — one that didn’t betray a single one of Luka’s expectations.
“Was ‘I’ll be waiting’ always such a thrilling thing to hear?”
“…Tone down that dramatic reaction a little.”
“How is this dramatic? I’m just moved.”
“Ugh….”
The captain’s attitude seemed to say he wanted Luka to ask for more, to depend on him more. Somehow embarrassed by that, Luka spent a long time fidgeting with the buttons on his uniform. He was on the verge of putting up a front and acting tough, wondering if he’d said something unnecessarily vulnerable —
“…!”
The color drained from Luka’s face in an instant. A gurgling sound came from his stomach, followed by the sensation of his insides twisting.
“…Ah.”
At Luka’s short, quiet gasp, the captain tilted his head.
“Luka? Does something hurt?”
Instead of answering, Luka tightened his arms around the captain’s neck. His face was already burning hot with shame.
He had been handling bodily functions while lying in bed, relying on the machines. But there were no machines now, and he was nestled in this man’s lap.
“I… I, take me to the treatment room. Quickly.”
“Why does your face look like that? Do you have a fever?”
The captain moved to press his forehead against Luka’s with a worried look. In that moment, Luka burst out almost like a scream.
“Hurry! The bathroom — I need to go to the bathroom…!”
Only then did the captain’s eyes waver slightly as he grasped the situation. But without any sign of panic, he immediately rose to his feet.
Luka desperately hoped the captain would dump him on the treatment room bed and activate the medical assistance robots. That hope proved useless — the captain’s footsteps carried them straight to the bathroom at the end of the corridor.
“Wait, what are you doing? Take me to the treatment room! The medical robots can handle it!”
“The robots are in scheduled maintenance right now. We won’t make it in time, Luka.”
As the bathroom door opened and cold tile walls came into view, Luka shut his eyes in despair.
“No, don’t — stop it…. Go away…!”
The captain quietly and carefully settled Luka onto the shelf near the toilet, steadying him. Then, with one hand he wrapped around Luka’s trembling shoulders, and with the other, he gently pulled down the lower clothing that Luka couldn’t easily remove himself.
“Luka, look at me.”
The captain’s voice was just as gentle as it had been when they were talking while looking out the observation window. That gentleness, perversely, became poison — staining Luka through and through with shame.
“No, no, I don’t want—!”
Tears stung at his eyes. He, who had once been famous at the academy for performing the most beautiful sword dance of anyone there, now had to relieve himself while being held up by someone else’s hands, in this pitiable state with no legs to call his own.
“This isn’t something to be ashamed of. It’s a sign that your body is coming back to life. I’ve got you, so it’s all right.”
The tears that had pooled in his eyes fell in a rush. It felt as though every last shameful part of him had been laid utterly bare. His confidence and self-respect shattered into pieces, crumbling at his feet.
“…Ugh, hk….”
“Keep looking at me.”
“I don’t want to…. This is too awful….”
“No. You’re alive. Everything — the fact that you’re relieving yourself, that you’re in pain, that you’re crying — all of it is proof that you’re alive.”
At last, the sobs Luka had been holding back burst free from between his lips. The wretchedness that came alongside the act of relieving himself tore apart what little self-respect he had left. The captain silently absorbed every bit of Luka’s weeping, holding the small body steady to keep it from collapsing.
When it was all over, and the captain was carefully washing Luka’s body with water, he could only hang his head and weep without a sound.
Even after being carried back to the treatment room and laid down in bed, Luka pulled the blanket over his head and refused to come out. The captain sat at the head of the bed and quietly patted Luka’s shoulder where it peeked out above the covers.
“Luka, I don’t care what you show me — even if you think it’s your lowest. No — if anything, I want to see it. I want you to depend on me and use me like this.”
It wasn’t the superiority of being able to do things for someone who couldn’t do them himself, nor was it pity born from some strong sense of duty to serve. It was simply that he wanted to know everything about Luka. It was a form of affection — a genuine wish for Luka to use him freely whenever help was needed.
“Everything that’s hard to do on your own, like today — I can do all of it for you. Because it’s my pleasure, too.”
The tearful voice shot back sharply.
“You enjoy dirty things? Are you a pervert?”
The captain finally couldn’t hold it in and let out a low laugh.
“Haha, well — I wouldn’t say I have that particular hobby. But if that’s what you want, I’ll try to develop one.”
Luka’s face burned red beneath the blanket. Just moments ago he had been so mortified he could have died. But the man kept reassuring him, over and over, that it was all right — and now Luka was beginning to wonder whether he really had been overreacting quite so badly.
“…I get it, now go.”
“I’ll stay until you fall asleep.”
“I said go….”
“Once you’re asleep.”
“You say you’ll do whatever I ask, so why won’t you do this?”
“Because this one’s stubbornness, not a request. And watching you be stubborn is entertaining in its own way.”
“…You’re genuinely strange, you know that?”
“I know. Even the vice captain told me to tone it down.”
“…Then tone it down. I won’t hold it against you if you stop paying me so much attention and stop being this good to me.”
“I’d hold it against myself. I even rearranged my schedule to take care of you. Don’t take away the one thing I look forward to each day.”
“You’re so strange, really….”
“Haha.”
Luka muttered for a while, then fell quiet — tired, it seemed. The captain called out to him carefully.
“Luka, are you asleep?”
The soft, even sound of breathing came back. The captain slowly pulled down the blanket that had been drawn up over Luka’s head. The face that had been sobbing in shame was swollen. It was pitiful and heartbreaking — and yet, somehow, endearing, and a faint smile escaped him.
The captain gently traced the tips of Luka’s cracked nails. The touch was far more lingering than it would have been while Luka was awake. It clung with a kind of obsessive tenderness — as though to press every part of Luka into the whorls of his own fingertips.
The voice that slipped from his lips as he watched Luka quietly was also a shade lower than usual.
“Give me your shame too. Every emotion you’ll ever feel from here on — all of it. Don’t show anyone else. Understood?”
Through the small, palm-sized window of the treatment room, a red nebula was visible, faint and distant. It didn’t take up the full view the way the observation window did, but it was no less beautiful. The same thing — seen larger and clearer — moves you twice as much.
“I’ll show you something bigger and more beautiful next time. So you show me everything of yours, too.”
The hand that had been tracing the cracked nails laced its fingers through Luka’s and held on, as though cradling something precious. If Luka’s eyes had been open, he would have shoved the hand away and told him to stop being so disgusting. The captain still gazed at him warmly and did not let go.
It was a hand he intended to hold on to — for as long as he had spent searching for Luka, and then several times longer than that.
The treatment room was busier than usual. Kai was sitting cross-legged on the floor, calibrating the small servo motors that would go into the prosthetic body’s ankles. The captain was beside Luka’s bed sorting through the tea leaves Ceres had sent over.
Just then, the automatic door slid open and Obel walked in, looking exhausted, carrying a tray of syringes.
“It’s time for the reflex test… what is everyone doing in here?”
Kai said energetically.
“My masterpiece is almost finished, you know! I need precision calibration until it’s done!”
The captain chimed in.
“Ceres said anyone with spare time should lend a hand with simple work, so I volunteered.”
Each of them insisted they were busy, but to Obel’s eyes it looked like nothing more — and nothing less — than slacking off. He clicked his tongue quietly and said flatly to Luka.
“Luka, I’m going to open the neural port. It’ll hurt a bit, so bear with it.”
At the mention of a painful procedure, Luka’s shoulders visibly drew in. His pale blue eyes wavered with anxiety, and then his hand reached out to grab the captain’s uniform sleeve where he sat beside him. He leaned the rest of his body half behind the captain’s back, as though trying to hide there.
“…Why does that guy always have to do something painful.”
Luka’s low, quiet complaint came from behind the captain’s back. The captain’s lips curved upward, like a man who had received an unexpected windfall. He adjusted his posture so Luka could rest his head against his back and moved to stop Obel.
“Obel, let’s wait ten minutes. Right now Kai is handling something with Luka first.”
Obel pushed his glasses up and looked over as if to say give me a break, but at the captain’s firm gaze, he ultimately turned and walked away.
“Ten minutes.”
The moment the door closed, Luka let out a sigh of relief and pulled away from the captain’s back.
“Thank you.”
“It was a good thing I was here just now, wasn’t it?”
“…You don’t need to look quite that pleased with yourself.”
“Why not, I’m pleased. From now on, if Obel gives you a hard time, tell me. Then even he’ll probably hold back a little on those cold, blunt remarks of his — glasses-adjusting and all.”
