# Chapter 71
(This is from the author’s perspective.)
If you follow the slowly setting sun, you’ll find his shame and sanctuary. Kadilen walked steadily through the familiar yet strange passage. Flickering lights that didn’t extinguish were visible from a distance. As he drew closer, they shone more vividly, as if they might devour the building at any moment.
Whenever Kadilen reached this place, he always felt an indescribable emotion. The heart that once collapsed at the unbelievable death had long since become a thing of the past. Walking calmly toward the massive ball of fire as if sinking into water, he felt a strange emotion that was neither vengeance nor guilt. As if the air contained some substance that stimulated him.
Kadilen took a deep breath. As expected, an unnamed emotion spread sharply from one corner of his heart. He made eye contact with each and every candle. Yellow and red lights trembled endlessly in his pupils. Even if the soft flame’s contour changed instantly and consumed itself, at this moment, he could remain completely still. Because facing those lights was more important than anything else.
‘I hope you are all doing well. Peacefully and safely…’
He wasn’t the type to speak to them normally. But strangely, now he had many things he wanted to say. Though he detested saying useless things, today he thought he’d act like a fool. Because he wouldn’t be able to come here for a while.
As he calmly continued speaking, he paused momentarily. An intense memory had invaded his mind. His heart, which rarely became excited, exploded as if it would burn. Ludin kneeling with soldiers surrounding him. After saying let’s not lose anyone, he had made himself lose him.
Kadilen recalled how disappointing it was to see Ludin’s hair as he sat alone. He wasn’t angry, nor did he hate him. He was just disappointed again in Ludin for building a thorny wall despite being given the opportunity to tell the truth. But what he now understood was that Ludin’s thorns were directed not at others, but at himself.
“Your Majesty.”
He doubted his ears. Was he hearing things because he was too lost in thought?
After hesitating, he turned toward the sound. He wasn’t going crazy. Ludin stood there, wrapped in soft warmth, looking at him.
“Are you alright?”
Not knowing what kind of “alright” he was asking about, Kadilen stood still. Ludin slowly approached him. As Ludin filled more of his vision, Kadilen’s heart beat frighteningly fast.
“Are you planning to stay up all night again?”
He remembered too. The first time Ludin and he were left alone here, Kadilen stayed up all night to soothe his troubled mind. It wasn’t particularly difficult. After recalling a forgotten face with each flame, time would already have passed.
“This time, I’ll stay with you.”
His tone was gently soothing. Ludin passed by him and moved closer to the candles. He watched them intently, as if speaking to them, careful not to let the flames go out. Seeing this, Kadilen felt somehow sad.
Ludin standing with all the people he had lost. The unidentifiable emotion grew stronger. Though he was just spreading a kind gaze without saying much, Ludin’s figure seemed faint, as if it might disappear at any moment. Kadilen’s eyes wavered. When Ludin finally raised his head to look at him again, Kadilen could name the emotion that had been a blank.
Longing.
It was longing.
“What are you thinking?”
Ludin saw Kadilen’s distinctly changed expression. Something clear had passed across his previously empty face. The flow of the heavily settled air changed in an instant. To identify the unfamiliar face, he approached Kadilen lightly.
“I don’t understand… what you’re feeling.”
“I was just thinking about you.”
“About me?”
Kadilen slowly held Ludin.
“I thought I missed you.”
“Aren’t you looking at me right now? I haven’t disappeared.”
Ludin briefly looked away to observe the candles watching them. Now he could understand Kadilen’s way of honoring his comrades. The feeling of wanting to help the fragile flames that could lose their way with the slightest breeze, yet burn continuously. While he looked away, Kadilen overlapped the flickering light with Ludin.
“Isn’t it funny? After saying I wouldn’t care even if you turned away forever, I miss you this much…”
“Don’t say such things.”
“It was the first time. Everything was the first time. If I said that, would you even a little bit…”
He couldn’t continue and dropped his head. Ludin could read the powerless emotion revealed in that incomplete sentence. He tightly gripped Kadilen, who was precariously holding onto him. The soft fabric of his clothes touched the inside of his tightly clenched fingers.
“It’s my first time too.”
“…”
“Realizing what I should do, recklessly charging ahead for someone like this. And… coming to understand your feelings.”
Kadilen’s eyes wavered in confusion.
“You… understand?”
“I understand. How frightened you must have been, how much you couldn’t trust. I understand it all.”
He stepped back. He squinted to read the emotion on Ludin’s face. Something was different. Although he had already received more forgiveness than he deserved, it wasn’t like this. Something more calm and strong was reflected in Ludin’s expression.
“So don’t be afraid. The promise I made long ago. I’ll keep it now.”
“…”
“You resented me. Now, so you won’t miss me, I’ll stay by your side.”
Ludin quietly embraced Kadilen, who stood with an anxious face.
“I’ll make sure we don’t lose each other.”
In Ludin’s embrace, Kadilen felt a comfort he had never experienced in his life. The feeling of standing on solid ground. The feeling that his heart, which he had thought endlessly foolish and ugly, had been broken into pieces to form a firm foundation. Unwavering trust, unconditional affection, endless understanding…
He was loved for the first time, and he loved for the first time. And he silently vowed never to lose it. While embracing Ludin who held him tight.
* * *
In the deep night, sleep wouldn’t come easily. I stared at Kadilen lying beside me. Unlike me who was tossing and turning, he lay motionless. Could he… sleep? In this situation?
This was Kadilen’s room. After pouring out all the sincere feelings in our hearts, he and I had plenty of unfinished conversations. Kadilen carefully explained the story he heard from Yunlin in a more refined manner. His tone was calm and dry, as if talking about someone else. Such a person also cried a little out of heartache. Kadilen embraced me more tenderly than ever, softly answered my questions, and honestly confessed his feelings.
After that, we entered the same room. It was a modest space not much different from my room. Kadilen’s favorite training clothes hung on one wall, and simple bedding was neatly arranged. Kadilen quietly looked at me as I cleared my throat while looking at the blanket.
“I’ll… turn off the light.”
Kadilen smiled at my awkward words. Taking it as affirmation, I blew out the faintly flickering candle. In the darkened room, Kadilen’s breathing sounded insanely loud. I hurriedly slipped under the blanket. I didn’t mind Kadilen’s body repeatedly touching my exposed arm.
And ten minutes later, Kadilen breathed gently. His chest moved slowly following a steady rhythm. I couldn’t believe it and called his name. Despite my silent outcry, Kadilen drifted endlessly into dreamland.
“This is unbelievable.”
Didn’t we just connect with each other? After all that crying, embracing, and everything…
My face turned red even in the pitch darkness. I was unbearably embarrassed thinking I was the only one who had imagined something. While sighing heavily and staring at the ceiling for a long time, I heard rustling sounds from somewhere. Since this was a mountain and it was the middle of the night, I closed my eyes quietly, thinking it was a natural sound.
I seemed to have fallen into light sleep.
We were looking at the candles again, and Kadilen, who had been sad, regained his smile as he looked at me. I endlessly poured out romantic lines that I seemed to have read somewhere. Every time I opened my mouth, Kadilen’s face was moved to tears. Kadilen, who had been looking at me with burning eyes, finally approached me slowly. I swallowed hard and prepared myself mentally. And then a deep kiss…
“Ludin. Ludin!”
The romantic world suddenly shook. My eyes opened wide at the urgent voice calling me. Instead of Kadilen about to kiss me, I faced him whispering urgently to me.
“Kadilen…?”
“Get up. Quietly.”
He put his finger to his lips. Not knowing what was going on, I slowly raised my body. To my puzzled expression, Kadilen whispered low:
“Someone has come to the temple. I’m going to check who it is, so you stay here. You must not come outside.”
My mouth fell open on its own. Someone had come to the temple in the middle of the night? Without Kadilen’s permission?
The temple was under Kadilen’s protection. A protective barrier that even Devan couldn’t penetrate safely surrounded this place, and unless someone inside the temple opened the door, there was no way for outsiders to invade. I urgently grabbed Kadilen.
“I’ll go with you.”
“No. It’s too dangerous.”
“Then all the more reason I should go with you. I can’t let you be in danger alone.”
I continued to urge him. After hesitating briefly, Kadilen reluctantly nodded. His face cooled with worry and tension.
“But stay far away. You must never come close.”
“Yes, I understand.”
We finished preparing in an instant and went outside. Following his instructions, I slowly walked to a secluded corner of the dark temple. From somewhere, I could hear someone’s muffled footsteps.
