# Chapter 51
Rio and I spent two nights together. The child was just like usual. He poured out affection unreservedly and smiled innocently. He looked with curious eyes at things we normally took for granted. He asked naive questions with bright, sparkling eyes. When I explained trivial things to him while facing his expectant face, a hot lump would suddenly rise in my throat. This was time I would never have again.
Rio was so precious to me. Until I met him, I had been trapped in a place where nothing was visible. I slept like a madman, and when awake, I thought I was mad. I couldn’t calmly organize my situation like now, nor could I prepare for the end. On that day when Rio’s small hand reached me in the suffocating darkness, I found great comfort in the child’s clear voice. What lifted me from where I had collapsed wasn’t those who had greatly swayed me in the past. It was a small boy with a tiny build who often broke glass bottles. His clean gaze, unadorned words, and sincere affection saved me.
Leaving the child behind was the only tragedy of this decision. Neither my lingering feelings with Kadilen nor Wimu’s unfamiliar appearance felt like this. The reason I kept looking back and didn’t want to let go was because Rio was so precious to me. Nevertheless, I didn’t change my decision. It was the same for Jiman as well.
“Take it slow, Rio.”
“When can I go to the hospital ward?”
“You can’t right now because there’s an urgent matter. It would be a great help if you organize the medicinal herbs here.”
Jiman sat on a low chair and met Rio’s gaze. The child’s eyes, which had been downcast for days because he couldn’t go to the hospital ward, came back to life. He slowly stroked Rio’s hair. Following the slow rhythm, the child’s small chest moved gently. I quietly watched as his hands, which had been hastily moving back and forth between boxes, slowed down. A moment later, when I turned my head, Jiman was now looking at me.
We had the same thoughts but couldn’t voice them. Just as I cherished Rio, Jiman had also grown fond of the child. When I discussed the child’s wellbeing with him, Jiman listened to me and silently nodded. He also couldn’t deny that the palace was the best place to protect Rio safely and fulfill his dreams.
Probably Rio would be sad about our disappearance. But as he grows older and spends much more time here than he knew us, he will grow into an excellent young man. That alone was enough. There was no reason for the child to flee with us.
“His Majesty is fine.”
Jiman still looked at me and spoke softly. For two days, I hadn’t asked about Kadilen’s condition. After realizing my feelings were merely old emotions, my best option was to recall him as little as possible. When I told him he didn’t need to do this for me, Kadilen said it was his love. If I couldn’t respond to that heart, nothing would change no matter what I did now. My connection with him ended here. We shouldn’t meet each other so that no one would sacrifice for the other. Because I didn’t want him to die in my place.
Even if that decision originated from his sincere heart.
“Jiman, come here.”
“What do you need?”
“It’s not that…”
As I stretched my words, Jiman carefully walked over to me. As if by habit, he checked my body by measuring my temperature and checking my pulse. I extended my hand and presented my forehead as he guided, waiting for the mechanical inspection to end. Having confirmed I was fine, Jiman stared at me as if telling me to continue speaking.
“Thank you.”
“…”
“For coming with me without saying anything.”
I wasn’t unaware of what he desired. Knowing clearly that it was contrary to what he wished, I still proposed that we leave the palace together. While I couldn’t fully understand how Jiman felt hearing those words, he followed my will without a single question. It was truly like Jiman. When he, who had always silently helped me, gave up even his last desire, I finally gained freedom.
“This isn’t something to be thanked for.”
“Why not? I have so much…”
“Ludin.”
He lightly grasped my shoulder. His serious eyes were directed at me without wavering. I couldn’t understand why he denied my gratitude. As I tried to add more words in confusion, Jiman asked in a proper voice.
“Did you ever hate me?”
“…What?”
My eyes widened involuntarily as I hadn’t expected to hear such a question. Jiman bent his waist a little and came closer so that I could hear his words better.
“I behaved shamefully.”
“What are you saying? You never did that.”
“You know my feelings for you, Ludin.”
I was at a loss for words. Jiman’s heart. Something too great and excessive to be unknown, something gratefully touching enough to make one anxious. Still, there were many reasons I could avoid being conscious of it. As I had always run while looking at Kadilen, I never had the opportunity to feel his heart just as a heart, and he didn’t press me. Though I never didn’t know it for even a moment, that was why it was a heart I couldn’t think about even more.
But now he was asking me. He was calmly taking out what had naturally settled down and laying it before me. I looked at what was placed in front of me.
“I felt truly small coming all this way. I couldn’t do anything for you when you were suffering.”
Jiman calmly continued his words. His warm hand on my shoulder slid down smoothly.
“So I must have been greedy. I tried to prove myself by saving you. I wanted to believe I could change something now.”
“…”
“For you.”
I couldn’t fully understand what he was trying to say, but I could vaguely guess. He knew that Ludin had been trying to die alone. This was what Jiman had given up on even before I came to live in this world. He couldn’t save Ludin, nor could he wash away his pain. Then I met him, and for the first time, Jiman moved for me.
But everything wasn’t easy for him. He was a person who protected life, not one who used force. Jiman was tormented by the fact that he couldn’t save me. Even though there was absolutely no reason for him to do so. He blamed himself and trembled at his own incompetence. What must he have thought when he had the opportunity to save my life?
Jiman’s last desire. He tried to protect my past by saving me. He now realized that it had already become irreversible.
“You’ve been looking at His Majesty for a long time.”
“Kadilen is just…”
“Actually, it doesn’t matter. No matter where your heart is directed, nothing will change for me.”
There was no blame or sadness in his gaze. Unchanging firmness. That firmness, which only Jiman could possess, was embedded in his eyes just as it was.
“However, if it harms you, and if that’s why you want to leave with me, I will be with you wherever that place is.”
“…”
“Don’t thank me, Ludin. I am the one who should be grateful.”
How on earth could I not be grateful to him? Even if he had forcibly saved me to alleviate his own guilt, I couldn’t have resented Jiman. Even if he hadn’t left without a word for my sake as he’s doing now, I could never have hated him. Jiman was always the only person who knew everything about me, and he never left me alone at any moment. I couldn’t help but be grateful to him.
“Just stay by my side as you do now. I will remain beside you until the end.”
To him, who said that was enough.
“I just need you.”
“Ludin?”
I grabbed his hand that had been dropped in the air. The warmth that had heated my shoulder and passed by was burning warmly again. His face softened a bit at my steady gaze.
“I’d like to go far from the palace and live comfortably together without any worries. We’ve never done that before, have we?”
“…”
“Cooking, looking at flowers, swimming, just ordinary things…”
“Anything is fine with me.”
“If I come to close my eyes while living like that, I’d like you to be beside me.”
In my final moment here, numerous memories will flash by, and many people will heat my heart, but I will be in his arms. With Jiman, who never abandoned me and poured out only infinitely deep love unreservedly.
The end with him wouldn’t be remembered as a wound for me. I would be able to go toward the natural course while fully acknowledging the time spent here. To that place where I couldn’t meet everyone. To that place where I was supposed to be originally.
“Don’t worry. I won’t leave.”
Jiman whispered gently.
* * *
The closer the time of the appointment with Wimu approached, the more anxious I became. I had packed all the necessary things, and Jiman had also finished organizing work-related matters. The reason I was restless was because of Rio. I felt sorry for having kept him with me for two days, and I had sent the child out briefly because there were still things to organize in the room, but there had been no news since then. I had kept postponing saying goodbye, and at this rate, I would leave without even seeing Rio. Jiman also seemed uneasy, continuously pacing in front of the door waiting for the child.
“Where does Rio usually play?”
“He’s a child who likes to wander here and there…”
The palace was overflowing with things that would fascinate a child. I knew he was probably satisfying his curiosity while going around every corner. But soon after the sun sets, Rio would return to his room, and I would already be gone from here. After I sighed dejectedly, Jiman rose from his seat as if he had made a decision.
“I’ll go look for him.”
“What if you’re late? It’ll be fine.”
“No. It’s time for him to go to his room, so I can first look around the vicinity.”
I hesitated for a moment. Of course, I would be happy if I could see Rio before leaving. However, if we were late for the ship that Wimu had prepared, we wouldn’t know when the next opportunity would come. It was impossible to predict what might happen at the palace until then. Jiman gazed steadily at my face, which was colored with worry.
“I’ll be right back. It will only take a moment.”
“…Alright.”
Upon hearing my answer, he immediately walked to the door. Watching his back as he quickly left the room, I thought of Rio’s small body. The pure smile that always softened my heart, and the little hands that felt infinitely large when they hugged me. Just one more time, I wanted to see that figure. I wanted to lift the child into my arms, hold him in my embrace, and convey an unspoken farewell.
But Jiman didn’t return for a long time. Thinking we might barely miss the ship, I gathered all the luggage together. If he didn’t return by the appointed time, I would have to leave Wimu in the room and go search for him myself. I couldn’t decide whether I should worry more about not seeing Rio or about Jiman not coming. As I anxiously paced around the room, I quickly approached the door at the sudden sound of knocking.
“Lord Ludin.”
“Rio!!”
Only after lowering my gaze considerably could I confirm who it was. It seemed Jiman and I had missed each other’s paths. I tried not to cry as I looked at the child standing alone in the hallway. If I cried now, the child would find it strange. I didn’t want it to be a chaotic and sad ending.
Looking around, the sun had already half set, and there were no people walking around. I bent my knees to face Rio. As my vision lowered sharply, the child’s figure entered my stinging eyes, which were forcibly holding back tears. I was momentarily at a loss for words.
My hand slowly touched the swollen cheeks and reddened eyes.
“…Why are you crying?”
The child was crying.
