# Chapter 38
This time, I dreamed of struggling in water. Nightmares truly come in all varieties. My desperately outstretched hand couldn’t reach the surface, falling endlessly downward. Seeing the large bubbles bursting from my mouth, I suddenly felt like a balloon. A shabby, punctured balloon, all shriveled up.
After that, whether trying to float up or wanting to fill myself with something, I desperately swallowed water. Each time I felt the cold water going down my throat, I experienced something like relief.
But it was only natural that the more my body filled with water, the deeper I sank into the abyss. By the time I realized it was a foolish decision, I was already sinking forever into the bottomless water.
When I woke from that place, I saw Jiman.
“You’re awake. I worry because you sleep so long each time.”
“Jiman?”
“Yes, it’s me. Today we should at least go for a walk.”
“…Devan?”
“He… will never be allowed to enter this room again.”
Jiman spoke ominously. I could imagine the words exchanged between them. How much time had passed since then? Lately, keeping up with the flow of time was overwhelming. I still felt submerged in water.
“How long have I been sleeping?”
“It’s been two days since you lost consciousness after meeting Devan. Fortunately, your pulse and breathing were normal, but…”
“…”
“I was worried.”
Jiman’s face had grown even thinner than before. It saddened me that someone who didn’t belong in this abyss was sinking here with me, simply because he cared for me. I thought perhaps I should have treated him badly with all my might, like I did with Wimu, to somehow break our connection.
“Too many thoughts are poison.”
As if reading all my thoughts, Jiman comforted me in a low voice. But there was something he didn’t know. To stop thinking, I had no choice but to fall asleep. That would worry Jiman again, and we would continue to remain in the abyss. There was no way to escape this place.
I was lost in gloomy thoughts when a loud crashing sound snapped me out of my daze.
“Rio!”
“I’m sorry!! I tried to carry everything at once…”
“Carry them one by one. Are you hurt?”
Jiman, seemingly startled, hurried toward the sound. A glass bottle had shattered into pieces where he knelt down. Beside it stood a child who looked about ten years old, blushing and fidgeting.
“Who is that?”
“A child who works at the royal infirmary. I apologize for the disturbance. I called him to assist while you were sleeping…”
Jiman explained the situation hesitantly, seeming flustered. He glanced at the child reproachfully but not unkindly while cleaning up the broken glass pieces.
“If I had known he’d be such a troublemaker, I would have called a different child.”
“Troublemaker…”
It was a cute expression I hadn’t heard in a long time. Looking at the child again, he was bowing deeply, his head nearly touching the ground. His movements were awkward, suggesting he wasn’t yet accustomed to royal etiquette.
“Your name…?”
“It’s Rio.”
With his brown hair sticking out, almost touching the floor, the child continued to bend at the waist. Even with his head bowed, I could see his chubby cheeks bulging out.
“You can raise your head.”
The child glanced at me hesitantly, then slowly straightened his back. Jiman stroked his head a few times and instructed him to take out the medicine box. Seemingly delighted not to be scolded despite his mistake, Rio answered cheerfully. But as the child waddled away carrying a box almost as big as himself, he reached the door, then turned back and approached Jiman.
“I almost forgot this.”
Watching Rio fumble in his pocket to produce a green leaf, Jiman was visibly flustered. As he hastily grabbed Rio’s tiny hand while glancing at me nervously, my curiosity was piqued.
“What’s that?”
“Ah… just a medicinal herb I asked him to bring. It’s nothing special.”
“What’s it for?”
When I asked about its use, Jiman’s eyes rolled around. Seeing him reluctant to give an answer, I found it suspicious. Rio’s bright voice cut through the awkward silence between Jiman and me.
“He probably wanted to put it in his notebook.”
“Rio! What are you saying…”
“Notebook?”
Jiman turned Rio around with an embarrassed laugh, hiding the child’s innocent face from me. He personally carried the box and shooed Rio out the door. After urging the child to leave quickly and returning to the room, I felt mischievous.
“Why did you send him away? I wanted to ask more. What’s this notebook?”
“Well…”
After hesitating, he approached a drawer in the corner of the room. Taking out the notebook Rio had mentioned, Jiman showed it to me briefly, as if trying to prevent me from seeing the details, and explained roundabout.
“I’ve been collecting medicinal herbs.”
On each rapidly turning page, dried leaves, flowers, or seeds were attached. Even from a distance, I could see they were meticulously documented. Perhaps uncomfortable with my interest, Jiman added as if making an excuse.
“I’m not being negligent in my duties. It’s just that when I find something unusual in my spare time, I collect it, and ultimately it proves helpful in various ways…”
“I won’t scold you for this. You didn’t need to hide it.”
“Really?”
“Do I look that mean to you?”
“You used to tell me not to collect such crude things…”
Now I wondered if Ludin pretending to be crazy for his brother was completely untrue. It didn’t quite click when Jiman thought of me as kind; hearing this made me suspect the real Ludin might have treated him poorly. Even with someone comfortable and familiar, there are limits…
“…I was joking.”
When I made an offhand excuse, Jiman looked at me intently as if disagreeing.
“Bring it here. I want to see it too.”
Despite my urging, he handed over the notebook with suspicion and vigilant eyes. The paper was worn at the edges and faded, having been handled for so long. Between the pages stained with his touch, various plants were neatly attached, with detailed records of their uses, applications, and habitats. There were also traces of Jiman’s pondering, as if he had experimented with them multiple times, left in short and long notes here and there.
“You’ve written so meticulously.”
“I’ve always dreamed of studying medicinal herbs. I wanted to travel the country and research them according to climate and terrain.”
Hearing his animated voice, I looked at his face. He seemed excited, happy to talk about something he was interested in. I had never seen such a reaction from Jiman before. With his tall frame but gentle eyes, a bright expression suited him even better. I deserved divine punishment for making someone with such a pretty smile cry all the time. If he were a puppy, he would probably be wagging his tail vigorously now.
An excited Jiman. A Jiman with dreams.
I felt guilty at how awkward these expressions felt. Of course he had his own life. He wasn’t born to be my physician, after all. In reality, I had no valid reason to keep him by my side. It was all Jiman’s consideration, Jiman’s sacrifice.
Now I understood. Not because Ludin had a rough personality, but probably because he feared Jiman would leave him, he told him not to collect such plants. It was a situation where he couldn’t endure if even the only person he could rely on abandoned him. Knowing Jiman’s dream but wanting to keep him by his side, he must have spoken harshly to prevent him from turning his attention elsewhere.
I felt sorry for Ludin. Did he not know Jiman would say these things?
“But don’t worry. It’s just a minor wish. No matter what happens, I will never leave you.”
Perhaps like me now, if Ludin had heard these words, he would have let him go.
“You may go.”
“Don’t say such hurtful things. Even if I were to leave, I’d have to go with you.”
“You said it was a dream…”
“Just being by your side already makes me happy. Ludin.”
As my thoughts prolonged, Jiman declared his happiness with a firm voice, as if afraid. I couldn’t meet his eyes as I returned the notebook. Noticing the suddenly subdued atmosphere, Jiman grabbed my shoulder instead of taking the notebook.
“I mean it. It’s just an old dream. Don’t you know that I have only one desire now?”
Could I return even half of what he had given me? If his desire was truly for me to live, should I somehow live on? But could I really live here with my sanity intact? As my worries extended, I unconsciously asked him. It was an impulsive question.
“By the way… is there any news about Luan?”
“You knew?”
He asked me back as if surprised. I was equally surprised.
“Knew what?”
“Rumors are circulating that he’s alive. His Majesty said he personally confirmed the body, so it must be just a rumor.”
“Kadilen saw the body?”
“Yes. I wanted to make sure, so I asked him once.”
That couldn’t be right. Since I had met someone sent by Luan, that rumor was not false. Probably, the escape route Zendal had prepared for Luan, sacrificing his own life, included a method to fake his death. Otherwise, it wouldn’t make sense.
Jiman sighed and continued.
“Actually, I tried to find him. I thought, shamelessly, that if he still didn’t know about our betrayal, we might seek his help…”
“From Luan?”
“Yes. At that time, I was so desperate that I thought it was the only option. But if the rumor is true, Luan must know the situation by now. Everyone knows you’re staying in the palace.”
“When you say he knows the situation…”
“Our betrayal.”
Jiman’s voice lowered as if telling a secret.
His words were partly true and partly not. Luan knew everything from the beginning. Even when I nearly faced execution, he believed I had helped Kadilen and things went wrong. He rather wanted to use that. Since I was already a discarded card to him, he thought that by controlling my lifeline and placing me as a spy next to Kadilen, he could find a way to rise again.
It was an action calculated on the assumption that I would value my life as much as he valued his, but unfortunately, I had no attachment to death. Nor did I intend to harm Kadilen. Luan probably couldn’t dream that I made such a choice purely to save Kadilen. He would just think it was a ploy for power, like himself. For someone cruel enough to kill his brother to take the succession, he couldn’t understand such emotions.
I thought if I didn’t help him, he would never regain the throne. If he was desperate enough to come to the brother he tried to kill and confess that fact, there must really be no other way. Thinking he had only saved his life through his father’s sacrifice and posed no significant threat, I hadn’t told anyone about Luan’s survival until now. If I mentioned it, everyone would try to save me, and I wasn’t sure if I could live through this yet.
But hearing Jiman’s words, I suddenly felt scared. There was another problem I hadn’t considered.
‘Our’ betrayal.
If Luan knew the situation, it meant he also knew about Jiman’s choice. I would die soon anyway, but he had to continue living in this world. Even if Luan, having lost power, couldn’t regain the throne or harm Kadilen, the highest authority…
What if the target was Jiman? If he decided to eliminate all traitors out of revenge, both Jiman and possibly even Devan would be in danger. Jiman had dreams. Even if he stayed with me now, once I met my end, he should safely travel the country doing the research he wanted.
I recalled Jiman’s face as he excitedly explained about herbs. I couldn’t keep Luan’s matter to myself any longer. I had to warn everyone about the possible danger and prepare them.
“Jiman, I have something to tell you.”
He nodded. I hesitated a little before speaking.
“Luan is alive.”
“What? How do you know that?”
“I met someone. Someone sent by Luan.”
Jiman opened his eyes wide, as if he couldn’t believe it.
“Where? What did they say?”
“Let me meet Kadilen. Devan too. I need to tell them that Luan is alive.”
