“He’s skinny and scrawny without strength, but his hands are remarkably capable.”
“Yeah. The kid’s body is small, but he’s diligent.”
Then the elderly people working together readily praised him. Even though Seonwoo didn’t warmly engage in conversation. The fact that the young kid followed without complaint and worked as told looked good in itself. When it was time for a snack break, everyone handed Seonwoo something to eat.
Boiled eggs, boiled sweet potatoes, steamed corn. Every day there was an abundance of food. What he couldn’t finish was wrapped in a bundle to take home. Each time, Grandfather deliberately made Seonwoo carry the load. It was no different from evidence of being loved by the surrounding adults, so he wanted to show that sight to Grandmother waiting at home.
Now, waking up in the morning to hike and then going to do vegetable garden work became Seonwoo’s natural daily routine. Although it was a small vegetable garden in the village, as autumn deepened, there was a lot of work, and even a young kid like Seonwoo was precious help.
One day, when an elderly person sitting on a platform asked who Seonwoo was, Grandfather said calmly.
“My grandson.”
Then the elderly person who asked immediately nodded as if understanding. Even people nearby clapped their hands in agreement.
“Oh. No wonder I thought the two looked alike. Especially those eyes drooping down below.”
“But did Song-ssi have such a grown grandson? How strange.”
When suddenly introducing a grandson he had never mentioned before, the elderly people were puzzled but quickly moved to another topic. Thanks to the obviously similar appearance and looking favorably on Seonwoo who worked hard.
That day too, Seonwoo received snacks enough to require both arms to carry. When he opened the front door, Grandmother, who ran out in her socks, greeted him with a smile.
When winter came, hiking stopped for a while. It was because it put strain on Grandfather’s joints. Seonwoo was now accustomed to hiking and could go anywhere near the house, but Grandfather said firmly. He would absolutely never send him to the mountain alone.
That didn’t mean morning exercise disappeared. What newly started was swimming. Of course, it started regardless of Seonwoo’s will. As soon as hiking stopped, Grandfather arbitrarily registered at the neighborhood sports center.
As usual, when he woke up early in the morning, Grandfather opened the door, came in, and suddenly handed him a swimming bag. Swim cap, swimsuit, goggles, towel and toiletries. Everything needed was already inside.
Grandfather said it was the first day so he would show him the way, and went together to the sports center. His words were about showing the way, but it was monitoring so Seonwoo couldn’t run away. That’s how new exercise began.
The early morning swimming pool was mostly filled with elderly people with graying hair. Since they were members who had been attending for several years, it was practically all advanced classes. There was no one like Seonwoo learning swimming from breathing.
As long-term members, they circled the lanes on their own even without the instructor telling them. Meanwhile, the instructor came to Seonwoo and taught him breathing—inhale, exhale. After checking the exact condition by seeing the faint scar remaining on Seonwoo’s right hand.
“So if you exert force or strain yourself, it cramps?”
“Yes.”
“Then we’ll have to practice mainly with the left arm. Later, as you gradually learn strokes, there will be restricted movements, but there won’t be a big problem with swimming itself. Looking at you now, you have good leg strength, so if you just kick properly, you’ll go far?”
When asked if he had done other exercise, Seonwoo said he hiked every day, and the instructor was pleased. On the first day, after learning breathing, he only did kicks for an hour while holding a kickboard.
As it turned out, the morning class members were Grandfather’s acquaintances, so they greeted Seonwoo when coming and going. Several were members of the singing class Grandmother attended, so they greeted him warmly, asking if he knew how much his grandmother bragged about him.
“No, I thought she was just doting on her grandson, but he’s really pretty. The kid’s eyes droop like that, so his impression is gentle, so gentle.”
The elderly people gave loving interference to Seonwoo, who was just holding a kickboard and kicking, about how to exhale breath, how to put strength in the calves, and such.
After finishing his first swim and leaving the sports center, Grandfather was sitting on a bench. When Seonwoo approached with the swimming bag slung over one shoulder, he stood up as if nothing was wrong.
“I know the way home.”
“My body was itching, so I took a walk, you brat.”
On the way home together, Grandfather said.
“As you saw today, there are tons of people who know my face there, so skipping is useless. You’ll be caught in one day.”
It was meant to be a threat in Grandfather’s way, but Seonwoo was unfazed. Even without hearing such words, Seonwoo went swimming every morning anyway.
It was because the habit was already ingrained in his body, so his eyes opened at that time. Moreover, when he left the room, the swimming bag was placed in a spot visible as soon as he opened the door. Then he had no choice but to go.
When he had just started swimming. When he left the house in the morning, pale light was illuminating the surroundings. He walked to the pool while looking at the bluish sky. On the streets, people starting their day from early morning could be seen quite often.
Among the passing pedestrians, Seonwoo walked the fixed path every day. Today the same as yesterday, regarding it as an extension of each day without any thoughts or emotions.
It was around the time when attending the pool became familiar. Every time he left the house, the sky seemed to darken little by little. Walking the same path at the same time every day, he could see the changes that differed day by day.
Then one morning when he left the house, the surroundings were pitch dark. Seonwoo adjusted his swimming bag and stood there for a moment. He stopped walking and looked up at the sky, which was pitch black as if a blackout curtain had been drawn.
ლ
When it became Dad’s first death anniversary. Seonwoo didn’t go to the memorial park. Though they didn’t get angry like before, perhaps inwardly hurt, Grandfather took out soju, which he had never drunk once since living with Seonwoo.
But even when it became Mom’s first death anniversary and Seonwoo still didn’t go to pay respects, Grandfather seemed to have come to terms with it. After going to the memorial park with just Grandmother, he bought snacks sold at food trucks. Seonwoo ate the tornado potato and chicken skewers that Grandmother put in a bowl for easy eating. However, he didn’t eat the hot dog right next to them.
Even after winter ended, Seonwoo continued swimming. Now he was accustomed to swimming freestyle with just his left arm. It would be a lie to say he didn’t think of Taejeong while learning to swim. In fact, even if not swimming, Taejeong came to mind every night.
Never forget for your whole life, live in suffering. The words poured out like a curse seemed to have returned to himself like a boomerang.
Would this feeling remain in his heart without disappearing for a lifetime? Even though he seemed to live properly with a decent human frame, thinking that he couldn’t stop remembering Taejeong, like a slight cough suddenly leaking out. Wanting to beat Taejeong, whom he could never meet again, to death, but then remembering that tearful face he saw last……. When night came, it was hard to maintain sanity.
When he woke up in the morning and moved his body all day, there was no room for idle thoughts to intervene, but when it became dim night and the room became quiet, Taejeong inevitably came to mind. Even the moment when they shared body heat while their bodies were pressed together in the dark room.
Seonwoo didn’t want to remember anymore how Taejeong’s face, soaked in excitement, changed—that face in his memory. So he made his body more exhausted. After finishing swimming and coming out, he ran around the neighborhood and helped with housework. Even after sunset, he came back after running several laps on the playground in front of the house.
But no matter how much he overworked his body, nothing changed. His body was exhausted and tired, but when in quiet darkness, he couldn’t fall asleep easily.
Eventually, Seonwoo asked for help. He told Grandmother and Grandfather he wanted to be prescribed sleeping pills. The grandparents headed to the hospital with Seonwoo without even having time to voice their prejudice about psychiatry at that age. The fact that their grandson had requested something for the first time was more important.
After getting the medicine, Seonwoo swallowed one pill every night and fell into deep sleep. When his body sank as if submerged in water like when swimming in his sleep, it was already morning. But even with sleep resolved, the situation was the same.
Now every time his body was submerged in the pool water, Taejeong came to mind. Seonwoo was absurd that this wasn’t some conservation law—solving one situation brought it back in another situation.
As such days continued, Seonwoo eventually decided to accept it. That this was like a shadow that would follow everywhere for life. That from now on, I would be bound to Taejeong. Having accepted it that way, Seonwoo no longer took sleeping pills.
Going through that long period when both body and mind had collapsed, calming turbulent emotions and accepting them again took a full two years. Seonwoo was now twenty-two years old.
Others his age would go to university, get jobs, or come back from the military. Seonwoo wasn’t standing on any path. He hadn’t thought about what to do in the future at all. Since everything had changed, the future couldn’t be the same as before.
Facing an uncertain future, Seonwoo just lived each day diligently. Grandmother and Grandfather didn’t rush him either. Bringing up talk about the future was only things like let’s go to Seoraksan when the autumn leaves turn, or let’s go see the sunrise at Yonggungsa on New Year’s. Only such talk.
Seonwoo still didn’t say he wanted to try something or wanted to go somewhere. However, when going out together, if something nearby was visible, he came to at least say he wanted to eat that.
Two years was a long time. Though it couldn’t make all the misfortune Seonwoo experienced as if it never happened, he could now live in the present while burying the past.
Daily life flowed smoothly. As the seasons turned and turned, summer came just like when he first came down to Busan. After finishing swimming and showering, the air was muggy. By the time he arrived home, it seemed he would have to shower again because of sweat.
To avoid the heat, he deliberately walked only in shaded areas. Then in an alley he was passing through for the first time, he encountered a small flower shop. Colorful flowers were displayed in front of the store. Seonwoo stopped walking for a moment and stood in front of them.
“…….”
Looking at the flowers, it suddenly occurred to him that it had been Mom’s second death anniversary not long ago. He remembered Mom pretending not to be happy when Dad would buy flowers, whether on anniversaries or special days, or often even when it wasn’t.
In the past, he would have avoided even recalling memories, but Seonwoo gazed at the flowers and quietly let the thoughts that came to mind be.
However, he still didn’t feel like going to the memorial park. Even as time passed, there were still problems he couldn’t face directly.
By the time he reached home, sure enough, he was drenched in sweat. Seonwoo opened the door lock, thinking he would shower first thing. But he saw unfamiliar shoes in the shoe rack.
Next to Grandmother’s shoes were large-sized men’s shoes. Not only would Grandfather not wear such shoes, but today was the day he went to the residents’ meeting from the morning.
Then whose shoes are those? Seonwoo entered the house holding the swimming bag. As soon as he stepped in, he looked for Grandmother first. But a large man was sitting in the middle of the living room. At the same time, the man who confirmed Seonwoo with his eyes greeted him.
“It’s been a while.”
It was Seungho, seen for the first time in two years.
He sat awkwardly in front of a small table and waved his hand. In comfortable clothes wearing a cap, he looked exactly like a celebrity secretly walking the streets.
“Seonwoo’s here?”
Grandmother appeared from the kitchen holding a tray. On the plate were all kinds of fruits, cookies, and food she had stocked for Seonwoo to eat.
“How do our grandson and this national team athlete know each other? How strange.”
