“It’s because of my mother’s background.”
Lenox merely fiddled with the cookie he’d picked up instead of putting it in his mouth. He looked somewhat deflated.
“My mother was a wandering dancer…….”
At those words, a conversation I had with my younger sister a very long time ago came to mind.
‘There should be a reason for wandering around, right?’
‘Having a setting is better than not having one. For example?’
‘Umm…… a curse. The longer they spend time together, the deeper their love grows. Then people would only want to watch the wandering dancer from afar, and she herself would eventually choose to do so too, wouldn’t she?’
“Most stories about wandering dancers are just rumors though…….”
Billy explained in a low voice.
“The timing just happened to be bad. The time when the Late Emperor contracted his chronic illness was when Lady Constina was staying here to give birth to the Young Imperial Prince.”
So they thought that Lenox, who inherited the blood of the Emperor’s mistress Lady Constina, was also related to the curse.
Just because of such superstition, they leave a child who’s only nine years old lonely? It was absurd.
‘This must be why the Emperor didn’t particularly try to drive Lenox out.’
It wouldn’t have been for humanitarian reasons like newly feeling sorry for the kid or deciding to watch over him a bit longer since he’s still young.
The nobles who fretted over tradition and justification couldn’t possibly think of Lenox as a candidate for the next Emperor. It was closer to just leaving him alone because they didn’t even feel the need to keep him in check.
“I don’t believe it.”
I said with a snort.
“What’s all this about a curse with no substance? It might even be a rumor someone deliberately spread in the first place.”
Then Lenox quickly put the cookie he’d been fiddling with into his mouth and answered spiritedly.
“That’s why I like you, Hyungnim!”
His blue eyes sparkled like jewels as if he’d never been deflated.
“Please let pitiful me settle down by your side, Hyungnim. Okay?”
“No. The North is cold.”
“I can just make lots of warm clothes!”
“There’s nothing for you to do there. What would you even do?”
“Should I run errands? I’ll work hard. Give me any task. Odd jobs are fine too! I’ll stand outside the door and come in anytime you call!”
“Y-Your Majesty. That’s…….”
Billy, who suddenly had a competitor, laughed awkwardly.
“Or how about learning swordsmanship, Hyungnim? There are lots of magical beasts in the North. I’ll magnificently defeat them and definitely protect you, Hyungnim!”
“Absolutely not.”
Sending the guy who’ll become the protagonist into danger? That’s practically hastening my death.
This won’t work, that won’t work. At the consecutive rejections, the stubborn nine-year-old’s cheeks puffed up. Small fuming sounds could also be heard.
It’s cute, but what won’t work won’t work. Unfortunately, my stubbornness was no ordinary stubbornness either.
“Don’t waste energy on things that won’t change. You’ll only hurt your own feelings.”
I got up and added indifferently.
“Feed him until he’s full and send him back.”
“……Yes, Your Majesty.”
Before leaving the annex, I heard a miserably crying voice. Though the Chaos Meter rose and the headache and dizziness disappeared, I didn’t feel refreshed or relieved.
***
Time flowed diligently. And thus arrived the day of the Conferment Ceremony of the Grand Duke Betius Title.
I said I would skip the conferment ceremony. The request to add the money that would be wasted on a useless event to the budget instead was a bonus. If it really had to be done, I could just modestly lay out items in the territory and be done with it, and the system had already answered that that level of loophole was possible.
In the end, I was able to add a pile of gold to my moving luggage as desired, but as the price for taking a different course from the original work, I had to splendidly pour out a nosebleed in front of everyone.
‘As long as I didn’t die.’
Compared to my original body which never had a single minor illness, the durability was quite disappointing, but still, after staggering a few times, I’d gotten used to it.
My body, which had been moving feebly, couldn’t overcome the dizziness and swayed greatly. Fortunately, before I fell ungracefully, someone who ran from behind urgently grabbed my shoulder.
“Are you all right, Your Majesty?”
“……Yeah.”
Of course, Albert didn’t look like he believed those words.
“All departure preparations are complete. Shall I escort you to the carriage?”
Instead of answering right away, I looked back toward where the annex was. I could clearly picture how it would now be emptily vacant after removing most belongings and sending back the servants.
Though I hadn’t particularly considered this place home, the feeling of emptiness was probably because of some small kid I’d be leaving behind in this vast Imperial Palace. Because I’d unconsciously given affection while knowing it was meaningless.
‘I thought he’d at least come out to say goodbye.’
I even worried whether he might be hiding somewhere in a corner crying, but even so, there was nothing I could do about it.
Quietly mulling over the subtle feeling, I asked Albert.
“That kid? Do you happen to know where he is?”
He answered while supporting me as if holding me firmly.
“I’m not sure. I think I briefly saw him earlier when preparing the carriage, but since then he hasn’t been anywhere.”
“…….”
“Will you say goodbye?”
A look of surprise flew at me. Considering Lenox’s behavior until now and my firm attitude, he seemed to have judged that I would just leave without parting.
“Even if you wish to do so, it would be better to be in the carriage first.”
“Why?”
“Because…….”
In my dizzily distorted vision appeared Albert’s troubled smile.
“Your complexion is pale. Enough to worry that I might have to escort you to a sickbed rather than a carriage.”
It wasn’t that bad. Still, it had become much more bearable since he supported me.
“If you stay inside, I’ll bring the Young Imperial Prince.”
But that wasn’t necessary. Because of the familiar appearance I saw as soon as I opened the carriage door.
“Hyungniim…….”
The kid, who popped out as if he’d been waiting for only this moment, wrapped his arms around mine.
“You can’t leave like this.”
“Let go.”
“Please! Think of me as luggage and just load me on. I absolutely won’t complain. Really…….”
Lenox looked up at me tearfully.
“My life can’t go on without you, Hyungnim. Okay?”
At those words, my head, which had been throbbing with jumbled pain, grew cold.
“No. There’s no such thing as that kind of life.”
There’s no life whose meaning disappears just because one person is gone. Even if there were, there shouldn’t be.
Because that’s not such a good thing. Such emotions only blind people, so it can’t become a complete life, and doesn’t even promise a complete death at the very least.
So.
“Don’t live like that.”
I wanted you to live a life I didn’t ask for.
Tears welled up fully in his deep blue eyes.
“Then how should I live? Is it my fate to live miserably in a place where there’s not a single person who believes in me?”
The moment I saw those eyes soaked in loneliness, I surprisingly felt a sense of responsibility. I also felt a stinging pain as if pricked by a thorn.
‘The protagonist should be a bit unhappy, right? Because they’re the protagonist.’
‘Definitely…… well, it wouldn’t be fun without trials.’
‘Good. Then I should add this and that to the setting!’
I just wanted to be a conversation partner for my young sister. It was so that her world, always hospitalized, could be wide and colorful even if only in imagination.
So what if it became a bit unfortunate? After all, the protagonist’s life in a novel only flows through printed text, existing only as a concept.
That’s all it was.
“I…… never truly wished for you to be unhappy.”
But this should stop at mere regret. Rescuing him from loneliness is an arrogant judgment. Including him in my life even more so. I was already struggling just to manage myself alone.
“I can tell by looking at your eyes, Hyungnim.”
Lenox whispered to me. It was an earnest voice.
“You don’t dislike me anymore.”
“…….”
“Even so, do you dislike being with me?”
Yes. I disliked it.
I hoped you wouldn’t become important to me. Even if it were someone else instead of you, the answer wouldn’t have changed. I didn’t want to tilt and sway this way and that, swayed by feelings of liking someone.
I was now sick and tired of that gut-wrenching emotion I felt whenever I lost something I’d loved with all my heart.
Because I didn’t want to hurt like that, and because I didn’t want to become such pain to someone else. That’s why I absolutely had to leave you behind.
Taking a deep breath, I dropped Lenox’s hands. Hoping this would be the last time I had to act so cruelly.
“That’s right. I don’t dislike you. When you begged like that, I did relent a few times. But there are things I can give in to that way and things I can’t, and this time I can’t.”
“Hyungnim…….”
“You’re only nine years old at best, and I don’t have the capacity to raise such a little kid.”
Having completely removed Lenox’s hands, I added ruthlessly.
“Nine-year-olds are banned from my territory.”
I ordered Albert, who was listening to our conversation from outside the carriage.
“Drag him out.”
“……Your Imperial Majesty.”
“And depart immediately.”
Albert followed the order without long deliberation. Lenox was dragged out with his head hung low. He was looking at the ground with his fists clenched tightly, but he didn’t cry out loud like last time.
His appearance, different from what I expected, bothered me a bit somehow, so I glanced at him through the small window…….
“……What are you glaring at?”
The look in his eyes glaring at the carriage, which had just started moving, was ominous.
I silently watched the kid growing smaller, then drew the curtain. I needed a bit of time for the uneasy premonition to fade.
