“I stabbed Seongho in the back and just ran looking only ahead. I ran recklessly without looking back even once. If I stopped even for a moment, I felt like I’d be crushed to death by guilt. As I kept running like that, as a result, I was able to climb to this position.”
A voice that seemed calm but was somehow desperate echoed through the narrow room.
“The progression is still slow, so there’s a lot of possibility for recovery. However, because of this illness, I was able to stop. By contracting the same illness as my mother, it felt like I was receiving my punishment. Like divine retribution.”
It was miserable and pathetic, unimaginable as the voice of a man who had climbed to a high position. His complexion turned pale in real time, then turned white. The tone that had been gentle yet confident in the media was wretchedly distorted.
“When I thought I had received divine retribution, I was finally able to look back. I thought about many things while lying in the hospital bed, but most of my thoughts were only about Seongho and you kids. Not my wife, not my children, not my parents. As my thoughts continued day after day, I couldn’t sleep at night. The sins I had pushed back all this time terribly ate away at me. As if I would have no peace for the rest of my life.”
When he was young, to Euiju, the existence named Jeong Gwangho was another father, another family, and a pillar he could rely on. Without a doubt, it wouldn’t have been different for Jeong Gwangho either.
“I wanted to ask for forgiveness. So I looked for Seongho, whom I had avoided so much all this time… but he was already not in this world. Not Seongho, not Yeonhwa either.”
“……”
“When I learned that only you kids remained in the world without Seongho and Yeonhwa, I couldn’t possibly live sanely. I absolutely… felt like I couldn’t not ask for your forgiveness, so I shamelessly came to find you like this.”
Jeong Gwangho carefully held out the bag he had brought.
“Euiyeon lost her finger. I know she lost it while working to feed her siblings. That came to me as greater pain and guilt than even the death of my close friend. I’m really… really sorry. This is all my fault.”
Jeong Gwangho briefly groaned as if vomiting tears.
“With this money, the children will be able to live without worry until they all grow up. If it’s not enough, I’ll give you more. Everything I’ve achieved was made possible by Seongho, so even if you take it all, I’ll silently endure it. So please, please put me at ease. Okay?”
How could he be so selfish?
Jeong Gwangho had come to dare ask for forgiveness just because he couldn’t fall asleep at night, just because he wanted to be mentally comfortable. He was trying to compensate with what he had taken from Lee Seongho, what Euiju’s family should have rightfully enjoyed.
Looking at the appearance of this unspeakably selfish man who only knew himself, somehow chills came over him. His scalp pulled taut.
His head was completely engulfed in anger and his mind became distant. Enormous rage paralyzed his entire body.
“Please forgive me.”
At the terribly self-centered appearance, Euiju finally couldn’t hold back his resentment and tried to grab Jeong Gwangho by the collar. Then, Euiyeon grabbed Euiju’s arm, stood in front of him, and said in a cold voice.
“I think you’ve come to the wrong place. Ahjussi.”
“…What?”
“Our parents’ columbarium is in Yangpyeong. I’ll tell you the address, so go there and ask for forgiveness.”
Euiyeon’s firm and cold-blooded words pierced Jeong Gwangho. It was a cold statement as if she would absolutely not give hope to his selfish and cowardly wish.
As if there was nothing more to say, Euiyeon opened the door to the room and made a path for Jeong Gwangho to leave, saying.
“Our parents… no, mom and dad didn’t hate you, ahjussi. They didn’t harbor hatred in their hearts and gave us only love with a pure heart. Since our parents didn’t pass down resentment, we have nothing we want from ahjussi.”
“Th, that doesn’t make sense! How could you not resent me after what you’ve been through! Don’t say such things and give me a chance. Give me a chance to repent my sins to you and receive forgiveness. Euiyeon. You’ll need my help to live. I’ll help you. So you don’t have to live barely scraping by like this, I’ll……”
When Euiyeon smirked, Jeong Gwangho’s pupils shook mercilessly. Euiyeon looked at him intently and continued detachedly.
“As you said, what we went through wasn’t a small trial. However, the reason we’re holding on like this is solely thanks to the love our parents gave us. Euiju and I overcame it based on that, and we’ll continue to live without outside help. We’ve lived well without ahjussi’s help, and we plan to continue living well.”
“……”
“There’s no room for you to interfere now. We don’t want anything, so you shouldn’t hope for anything either and it would be better if you just stay where you’ve been living. We have no intention of accepting the money either.”
At Euiyeon’s cold words, Jeong Gwangho’s face was beautifully distorted. Could there be words more cruel than this to Jeong Gwangho who sought forgiveness and wanted peace? Euiju, who was about to get angry, bowed his head deeply and closed his mouth.
Jeong Gwangho’s complexion turned deathly pale.
He had betrayed his friend, and the result brought about the downfall and death of one household. The guilt weighing on Jeong Gwangho’s shoulders must have gnawed away at his mind bit by bit as much as he had lived ignoring it. No, could he really have ignored it? The guilt he had suppressed throughout his life must have tormented Jeong Gwangho himself knowingly or unknowingly. Jeong Gwangho only wanted to be liberated from that, and Euiyeon had no intention of giving him that.
“Don’t say that. You can hit me, you can kick me. You can bring a knife and stab me wildly. I’m asking for forgiveness, so please, won’t you punish me? Hm?”
At Jeong Gwangho’s pleading lament, Euiyeon turned her head and continued.
“Well. That’s too cruel. Our parents didn’t raise us that way. You know that well.”
“Ugh……”
Eventually, wailing began to leak from Jeong Gwangho’s mouth.
As much as he had succeeded in life easily, as much as his life had flowed smoothly, he was mistaken in thinking everything would be achieved easily. He must have thought that if he asked for forgiveness, Euiyeon or Euiju would easily give in.
He was completely mistaken.
Jeong Gwangho put his head to the floor and vomited resentment for a long while. His tears and saliva dripped onto the orange linoleum floor, wetting it.
Only Jeong Gwangho’s wailing filled the room.
After the miserable time passed roughly, Jeong Gwangho, who had composed his tears and collected himself, got up from his position. After looking down at the floor for a long while, he took out a couple of business cards from his pocket and carefully placed them on the side table.
“As you live on, there will come a day when you need my help. Come find me then. I’ll wait as long as it takes.”
With those words, Jeong Gwangho tried to leave the room through the open door. Then, Euiyeon stopped him.
“Ahjussi.”
Euiyeon threw the bag he was going to leave on the floor to Jeong Gwangho.
“Take it. Don’t leave a single thing behind.”
Jeong Gwangho, with a miserable face, left the room through the open door. Because the house was small, even the sound of him leaving through the front door could be heard clearly.
In the small space with only the two of them left, Euiju finally let out rough breaths as if exhaling the breath he had been holding. It didn’t take very long for that to change into sobbing mixed with futility.
“Heu……”
Tears flowed ceaselessly from his tightly closed eyes. No matter how much he vomited it out and vomited it out, the emotions that were knotted and unhealed weren’t the kind that would easily subside. No matter how much their parents didn’t pass down hatred, there was no way a person could ignore that. He hated Jeong Gwangho, he resented him. For a long time.
But seeing him come out so selfishly like that, mom, dad. He missed those two so much. He missed them so much, those who gave nothing but love endlessly even in difficult situations, that Euiju really felt like he was going crazy.
“Come here.”
Euiyeon, who had been looking miserably at Euiju crying as if vomiting, pulled Euiju over without much effort. Euiju naturally buried his face in his older sister’s embrace. He leaned on the small existence that was much smaller than him, but had always been like Mount Tai, as always.
“Why are you crying. Making noona sad.”
Euiyeon gently caressed Euiju’s back. Although one of those hands was completely empty, the warm touch that had always been consistent was the same now as it had been before.
Euiyeon’s embrace always resembled their kind mother, and her reliable back resembled their father everywhere. Euiju still had someone to lean on. To Euiju, Euiyeon was always the same kind of existence as his parents.
“Noona. I hate him. I loathe him. I want to kill him. I just can’t stand it……”
“Yeah. You can feel that way.”
Euiju clung tightly to Euiyeon as if vomiting the resentment he had been holding back and cried loudly. He was always mature anywhere and everywhere in front of his younger siblings who were still young or in front of Haeseong. However, even he was just a weak and soft existence in front of Euiyeon.
“I’m sorry. I did what I wanted even though I know Euiju is suffering. Should I have accepted the money to make our Euiju and the kids comfortable?”
Euiju shook his head. If they had given even a shred of forgiveness as Jeong Gwangho wanted, he could have held onto such a small thing with hope and found peace of mind. He might have shed his guilt incomparably easily compared to the trials Euiju’s family had endured.
“…No. No, noona. You really did well.”
Euiju, whose nose was stuffed from crying for a long time, said in a nasal voice. Finding such Euiju cute, Euiyeon let out a small laugh.
“I don’t know how long it’s been since Euiju cried like this. You’re still no different from a baby, aren’t you? What’s different from our Roun? Hm?”
At her mischievous teasing trying to lighten the mood, Euiju let out a laugh in the middle of crying.
“Don’t tease me……”
Euiju mumbled with his face buried in Euiyeon’s nape. Patting such Euiju’s back, Euiyeon continued calmly.
“Ahjussi has lived his whole life buried in guilt. Let’s not be like that. Because if we go forward harboring bad feelings like hatred, it’s us who will have a harder time, so let’s just shake it off.”
Living while hating someone consumes more energy than one thinks. The words Euiju had said to Haeseong came back to him as they were. It was right. He had to shake off all the stagnant and worn emotions and move forward.
However, if it were as easy as it sounded, everyone living in the world would have done so.
Knock knock-
That was when it happened.
“Hyung, noona… can I come in?”
Roun’s completely withdrawn voice was heard from outside the door. The kind, delicate Lee Roun, who listened well to adults, couldn’t bring himself to open the door wide and only timidly knocked on the door.
What a pitiful and cute voice it was. The eyes of Euiju and Euiyeon, who had raised their heads while covered in tears, met just like that. Soon after, laughter burst out from the two of them.
“…Noona is right.”
Lee Seongho and Kim Yeonhwa only gave love to their children. They didn’t resent anyone, curse anyone, or hate anyone. Even in difficult situations, they were always a pillar for their children. Just like Euiyeon now.
Euiju, who had roughly wiped his face, opened the door wide and hugged Roun who was standing there tearfully. Burying his face in the small, warm embrace, he pledged to himself.
That he would give his siblings only love, not hatred.
