“Force myself…… ha.”
He laughed derisively and roughly ran his hand through his hair. The veins on his tensed wrist were swollen taut, bulging above the skin.
I finally lost my words at that razor-sharp momentum and shut my mouth.
“You babbled about pretending it didn’t happen and then slunk around avoiding me, which was shitty enough, but now what? A child was conceived but I don’t need to take responsibility? Are you kidding me?”
It seemed I’d misunderstood something.
If I understood correctly, Won Dogyeong seemed angry at my attitude of drawing a line between us regarding this matter. He was saying it was shitty that I avoided him, and that saying he didn’t need to take responsibility was also shitty.
I was a bit dazed at such an unexpected reaction.
So the point was, he wanted to take responsibility for the child.
…Probably.
I fidgeted with my fingers under the table. I tried to organize my confused mind and opened my mouth.
“You hate kids.”
“I don’t hate them. When did I say that?”
“Last time you got angry at the mart saying it was noisy.”
“Well, isn’t it noisy when they’re screaming and crying?”
“……Our child will cry too.”
“How is that the same thing?”
Won Dogyeong repeatedly ran his hand through his hair as if frustrated. A deep sigh leaked out between his stretched lips.
“It’ll be difficult for your work too….”
“Is work important right now? Do you think I’m crazy about work like you?”
He rebuked me with an incredulous expression. He furrowed his brow as if dealing with an impenetrable wall he couldn’t communicate with, making me feel a bit wronged.
No matter how much the world has changed these days, the reality is that the view toward children born out of wedlock is still harsh. No, he’s a celebrity that everyone in the know knows about, so if it came out that he had a child without getting married, there would obviously be an uproar.
And am I the only one who works hard?
I know full well that this guy who loves to sleep cuts into his sleep time to work, and when he comes home after several days, he sleeps like he’s dead, yet such lies come out so easily.
“It is important….”
“This is more important to me.”
Whether or not I was imagining all kinds of sensational article headlines in my head, Won Dogyeong spoke decisively. I don’t know if he’s thinking straight before answering.
I showed a dissatisfied expression in turn and asked aggressively.
“Then what about earlier?”
“What?”
“Why did you have such a bad expression earlier? If this is so important, you should have been happy about it.”
The hurt feelings I’d been suppressing poured out like a bursting dam. His complexion that had gone pale and the devastation that seemed to plunge to the floor floated through my mind.
Suspicion raised its head that maybe he was forcing himself to take responsibility out of guilt. The dejected face that kept apologizing after heat ended came to mind, rapidly adding credibility.
Even though I knew with my head that there was absolutely no way that was the case, given his angry face just now, thick anxiety rummaged through my heart on its own.
What if he hesitates to answer? What if he makes up excuses that don’t even work?
I bit the inside of my mouth.
It seemed I was having a harder time handling this situation alone than I thought. Seeing how I was making meaningless speculations I wouldn’t normally make.
“I felt sorry.”
When I met his eyes at that calm voice, Won Dogyeong lowered his head with sunken eyes.
“I felt like I caused you too big a problem just because you accidentally spent one heat with me.”
“I told you it’s not your fault.”
“I shouldn’t have thought about getting through rut at home.”
“We live together, it can’t be helped.”
“I know you’re out of it when you’re busy, I should have contacted you one more time telling you not to come in.”
“……I’m the one who forgot.”
“That’s why I shouldn’t have let you into this house in the first place…… no, anyway.”
At his behavior of digging endlessly without reason, I actually calmed down a bit.
“……Anyway, you don’t dislike it?”
“Why would I? I don’t dislike it. I actually……”
He was saying something but clamped his mouth shut again midway. At least it’s a relief he doesn’t dislike it.
“I’ll say this many times, but you don’t need to feel sorry. It happened by chance.”
“Either way, it wasn’t planned.”
“Did you only half-hear the part about having it? If I disliked it, I wouldn’t have, said that.”
I was about to say “I wouldn’t have had it,” but suddenly the child in my belly bothered me so I corrected my words. It’s not words directed at them, but wouldn’t they dislike hearing such things?
I’ll also apologize for Won Dogyeong calling it a problem earlier. I’m not talking about you, I’m talking about the situation.
Won Dogyeong quietly closed his mouth as if consenting, then seemed lost in thought alone before tilting his head crookedly as if something occurred to him.
“But am I such trash to you?”
He asked in a voice full of displeasure. He seemed heated up to the top of his head again.
“What are you talking about now?”
“You thought I’d dislike having a child over something like that? And not take responsibility?”
I had nothing proper to say in response, so I clamped my mouth shut and avoided his gaze. Because it was the truth.
I knew better than anyone that even though Won Dogyeong was a bit tactless, he was someone with principles. But as I agonized and worried alone, the conclusions kept flowing only in bad directions. It was difficult to judge the situation objectively too.
When a high school friend got married after causing an accident, I giggled and teased them, but when I became the person involved, no laughter came out at all. Originally, relationship advice is easy but your own relationship is difficult.
He roughly rolled up the sweatshirt that half-covered his palms, clasped his hands together and placed them on the table, then leaned his head back and let out a long breath. It seemed to be his own effort to calm down.
“It’s a bit shocking that you thought of me that way… but I’ll let it slide for now.”
“Sorry.”
I smiled awkwardly. Won Dogyeong didn’t smile one bit.
Ah, come on.
“Aside from that, tell me what you think. Don’t you want to raise it with me?”
This too was an unexpected statement.
I’d imagined all sorts of negative situations but hadn’t imagined this scene at all.
No, I consciously tried not to imagine it. Because I thought I wouldn’t be able to cope when faced with a completely different reality.
Raise it together? With Won Dogyeong?
Of course. It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to call it the best scenario among what could be imagined.
“Of course it would be good if you were there.”
Not just good—I can already imagine a child running around the house with Won Dogyeong. They’d probably match really well in terms of mental age too.
If that happens, there will be two cranky ones…. Will I be the only one getting tired, maybe?
“I think that would be better for the child too, and if we raise it together, there’s someone to leave it with when we’re busy. I heard when they’re young there’s no time to sleep… wouldn’t we be less exhausted if two of us do it?”
At words I hadn’t expected, the tension suddenly released all at once. As I thought about this and that and rambled on, my words got longer without me realizing.
Won Dogyeong was looking at me with a subtle expression, twitching the corners of his mouth. Feeling a bit embarrassed that I’d gotten too excited alone, I rolled my eyes around then hurriedly added a thought that occurred to me.
“Ah, but I’m not saying don’t date anyone or anything like that… so don’t worry about me and date comfortably.”
I said it quickly, worried he might retract his joint parenting declaration.
Won Dogyeong might want to date going forward. Just because a child was conceived doesn’t mean you have to live only as a parent.
I’d appreciate it if he’d consult me about matters like showing the child to the person he’s seeing though. Since he really hates talking about his dating life, I should put this off and bring it up later.
“……Ah, who would be dating?”
“Huh? No, not me, you. I have no plans for the time being.”
“Ah~ I understood that. Date comfortably, right?”
“Yeah.”
Won Dogyeong, who had been staring at me intently with unreadable eyes for a while, suddenly jumped up from his seat, walked over with heavy steps, yanked open the refrigerator door, and stuck his head inside.
So he stuck his head, inside the refrigerator.
Is he crazy?
When a person is too flustered, words don’t come out. I just blinked my eyes while looking at the back buried in the refrigerator, then barely managed to open my mouth.
“……What are you doing?”
“Cooling my head.”
Is he angry? Why?
And also, who in the world cools their head with a refrigerator when they’re angry?
Who else but the twenty-nine-year-old Won Dogyeong living with me would cool his head with a refrigerator.
I wondered whether I should stop him or just leave him and stared blankly at the refrigerator with cold air leaking out through the open gap. After a certain amount of time passed, the refrigerator made a loud warning sound, but Won Dogyeong didn’t care and stood there without moving.
After sticking his head in and taking deep breaths for a while like that, he soon slammed the refrigerator door shut, trudged back over, and plopped down in the seat across from me. Judging by his sharply opened eyes, his anger didn’t seem to have cooled at all.
“You really piss people off.”
“What’s the problem now?”
I swallowed a sigh.
This crazy bastard, I don’t know why his emotions are going up and down so much today of all days.
“What do I look like to you?”
“What are you talking about again….”
“Do I look like some fucker who cooks and waits at home? Or a sucker who gives relationship advice?”
“What, when did I.”
“We fucking had sex like that and a child was conceived, but do I still only look like a friend to you?”
I was about to refute with an annoyed expression then stopped dead. The conversation was flowing in a strange direction.
