When I gathered my things and headed out, Won Dogyeong was waiting as usual today with his car parked.
“Where should we go? Near home?”
“I was thinking that.”
Perhaps thinking about walking around the mart, Won Dogyeong was heavily armed with a hat and mask. Not being able to see his face well made it impossible to gauge what he was thinking, which made me more conscious of it.
During the entire car ride there wasn’t much conversation. I wondered if I was the only one feeling self-conscious, but seeing Won Dogyeong turn on the radio—which he never listened to—it seemed he too was unable to find his bearings.
The radio alternated between the host reading comments humorously and idol music. I’m not one to listen to idol songs much, but it suddenly felt like I was studying the latest hit songs.
After arriving at the mart, we pulled a cart and headed to the floor with groceries.
Won Dogyeong is the one who mainly cooks, so he’s usually in charge of putting in the ingredients. When he asked if there were any vegetables I wanted to eat, I said not particularly, so he quickly turned corners and efficiently put things in the cart as if he’d thought about it beforehand.
Next we moved to the fruit corner nearby.
“Want to eat bananas?”
“But isn’t this too many?”
“I’ll blend them with milk for you in the morning.”
“Mm, should we?”
We put in bananas,
“How about strawberries?”
“We already bought bananas though?”
“You can eat them after dinner.”
“Really…?”
We put in strawberries too,
“…Should we get apples too?”
“You sometimes can’t eat meals well.”
We put in apples too. No matter how I thought about it, it seemed like we were buying too much fruit. Won Dogyeong seemed to think of fruit as emergency rations that could be eaten even during morning sickness, so he tried to put in everything he saw, which is why I stopped him after the apples.
We also put a few frozen foods in the cart and moved to the snack corner.
Won Dogyeong, probably because of his job, doesn’t touch anything but chicken breast and greens when managing his diet, but in truth he’s been crazy about sweets since childhood. Cookies, bread, chocolate, jelly—he likes anything as long as it’s sweet.
“This is one you like.”
When I pointed to a chocolate-coated snack, Won Dogyeong went “Oh” and reached for it but hesitated.
“I shouldn’t eat stuff like this.”
“What does it matter. You said you’re taking a break for a while.”
“…I guess?”
“You can lose it again when you go back to work.”
“Hmm… Yeah.”
Won Dogyeong hesitated but eventually tossed the box into the cart. Watching that made me feel a bit sorry for him, so I pulled the cart around and arbitrarily threw in chocolate and jelly and whatnot.
“If I eat like this, I’ll be rolling around on screen…”
Won Dogyeong muttered incredulously while looking at the jelly bags burrowing between the piled-up fruits.
“I’m going to eat them.”
“You don’t like sweets.”
“If I try them and don’t like them, I’ll give them all to you.”
He chuckled and followed behind me as I swept through the snack corner.
“I’ll have to exercise hard.”
“Pick between these. Strawberry flavor or green tea flavor?”
“Strawberry… no, green tea.”
“Let’s get both then.”
As a result of throwing things in until the cart became a mountain, when we checked out the total was well over 300,000 won. What kind of overconsumption is this for a two-person household?
We shoved the luggage packed tightly into three large plastic bags into the back seat of the car and I sat in the passenger seat. Won Dogyeong, seated in the driver’s seat, was looking at his phone saying there was an important message for a moment.
I’d completely forgotten about the awkwardness while shopping, but sitting down in the quiet space made thoughts flood back in like a tide. With Won Dogyeong busily tapping the screen exchanging messages, I crossed my arms and fell into thought.
So I don’t like Won Dogyeong going to other people’s houses, and I don’t like him being alone with someone either.
I’m concerned about what kind of people his ex-lovers were. Thinking about him acting toward someone else the way he acts toward me makes my insides twist. But I’m so annoyed I don’t want to know any more than this.
Once I realized the fact that Won Dogyeong had poured affection onto someone who wasn’t me, one corner of my heart felt stuffy. Things I’d only recognized as words until now seemed to take on the concrete form of Han Hoyeon and provoke me.
…But, so what?
So what is this?
I’ve known Won Dogyeong for a very long time.
Since childhood, in fact.
Being together was so natural, and putting each other in each other’s closest position was just effortlessly natural for us. Even before Yongyong came to be, even before we became this ambiguous relationship, Won Dogyeong was an important person to me. Of course I was curious about what he was doing, and I didn’t like him having friends closer than me either.
Then and now, being together was enjoyable and comfortable just the same.
Thinking about it again, I still don’t like Han Hoyeon.
But does that mean I like Won Dogyeong?
That part still needed a bit of time to sort out.
Myeong Haemin said that Won Dogyeong might be hurt by my lukewarm attitude.
Then wouldn’t it be fine if I just don’t act lukewarm?
“Sorry, I’m done.”
Won Dogyeong put away his phone and gripped the steering wheel with both hands.
Again. Going to leave just like that again?
I glared at his right hand loosely gripping the steering wheel and pressed my lips tightly together. He looked at me as I remained silent and shrugged his shoulders.
“Should we go?”
Did he speak this affectionately when he had Han Hoyeon sitting next to him too?
The uncontrollably spreading thoughts were bewildering. Was dating always this difficult? I felt like a sigh was about to burst out.
While I silently soothed my complicated feelings, Won Dogyeong was waiting with the engine started, looking puzzled. As expected, the hand that wouldn’t leave the steering wheel kept catching my eye.
I don’t know.
Setting everything aside, right now I just wanted to hold hands.
“Let’s hold hands.”
At my words as I reached out my hand without context, Won Dogyeong’s eyes widened in puzzlement as he clasped my hand in confusion.
“Are you feeling…”
“It’s not that I’m not feeling well.”
“Hm?”
“I just want to hold hands.”
Won Dogyeong looked back and forth between our clasped hands and my face in bewilderment. His wide eyes were soaked in confusion.
Not lukewarm…
I moved my lips for a moment before speaking.
“I thought about it, and I don’t like Han Hoyeon.”
Looking at the dim parking lot scenery beyond the car window, I briefly thought I should have brought this up after getting home, but it was already too late.
“Uh… yeah.”
Won Dogyeong looked confused as if wondering what this was suddenly about.
I started pouring out the things I’d kept stored up incoherently. I don’t know how Won Dogyeong will think about hearing this, but I can’t help it because I don’t really know how to organize and talk about this any better.
“Thinking about the movies we watched together having people you were seeing makes me annoyed, and thinking about you dating those people all lovey-dovey makes me feel weird.”
“Lovey-dovey…?”
“I don’t like thinking about you going to Han Hoyeon’s place and being alone together. Myeong Haemin is nothing to me, but I think I’d be bothered if you were doing that with someone too. So I’m sorry about yesterday.”
“Uh… no… that’s okay now.”
Won Dogyeong blinked while listening to me and hurriedly interjected. He must have been bothered and uncomfortable all day too. There’s no way I was the only one who felt the creaking atmosphere.
“I like being with you. I always have. There’s no one who knows me as well as you do, and it’s comfortable being together… anyway, I like it.”
“…Me too.”
“But I still don’t really know what’s what yet.”
“Yeah.”
“But it’s annoying that you always hold my hand on your own and then don’t hold it.”
“I’ll, I’ll hold it.”
He squeezed our interlaced hands tightly with force. His palm was a bit slippery, perhaps flustered by the out-of-the-blue confession of feelings, which made me laugh.
That was the end of what I had to say, but Won Dogyeong seemed to be waiting for the next words with a serious expression, so I rolled my eyes around and stammered.
“That’s it.”
“…That’s it?”
“Yeah.”
He released the tension from his body that he’d been holding stiffly, as if the energy had completely drained from him. He leaned back deeply into the seat and turned around bursting into a belly laugh.
“What is this, a progress report on deliberations?”
“Something like that.”
“I like the direction.”
Won Dogyeong kept chuckling for a while as if the situation was funny even thinking about it again. Then he suddenly turned to me with a mischievous face and asked.
“You hate Han Hoyeon that much?”
“…You hate Deputy Manager Han too.”
After saying everything, I felt embarrassed now and protested while avoiding his gaze. However, Won Dogyeong paid no attention and his eyes sparkled.
“Can I just tell you about everyone I’ve met until now? I hope you hate all of them.”
“Don’t… If you tell me, I’ll never go to the movies with you again.”
“Ah, why.”
I turned my head without responding, but Won Dogyeong, already excited, didn’t know how to stop. He grinned and came close as if he’d climb over to the passenger seat.
“You like holding my hand?”
“Why would I ask to hold hands if I didn’t like it?”
“If we don’t hold hands, do you feel empty?”
“Yeah yeah, I’m dying of emptiness.”
“What else? Tell me anytime if there’s anything else you want to do.”
“I will. So now can we stop and go home?”
“Why? Embarrassed?”
“……”
“Should I hold your other hand too?”
“The frozen food is all going to melt, Dogyeong…”
When I answered through gritted teeth, Won Dogyeong backed off with a grin as if he’d yield.
Throughout the drive home, unlike in the morning, he hummed with a noticeably brighter complexion. Of course, his right hand gripped my hand tightly the entire time.
I felt a strange and complicated feeling, not knowing if it was embarrassment, shyness, or happiness. It felt like one corner of my chest had lost gravity and was floating.
