I buried myself in the seat and folded my arms tightly. I even resented the situation where I had to rely on the pheromones filling the car.
Won Dogyeong is annoying.
He glanced at me sideways, then tried to lighten the mood with a playful tone as if to placate me.
“What about you, what did you talk about with Won Doa earlier? She kept saying nonsense about how if you don’t straighten up, she’ll introduce you to an Alpha.”
“……She said she’d mobilize all her connections to find a more mature Alpha than you.”
“She’s crazy. Her allowance is getting cut for the next three months.”
“…So what. You told me to handle it myself.”
I turned my head to the other side and replied sulkily. Outside the window, the fading streets were burning red.
The sunlight sinking submersively along the skyline, the buildings that had lost their color and turned black like shadows with only their windows sparkling, and the strange white noise echoing inside the car driving down the road—all of it bizarrely made me feel gloomy.
I felt endlessly depressed and like anger was surging up. I couldn’t quite tell if this was irritation or sadness.
This is strange. I’m not normally someone with such severe mood swings.
“……Are you sulking?”
This is also something I always say to Won Dogyeong.
“No.”
I knew I was being unreasonably petulant right now. But knowing something with your head doesn’t resolve your feelings.
If it did, would I be acting like this? I would have entered nirvana and become a Buddha.
Yeah, I’d probably be floating around in the air with light sparkling behind my head and everything.
“When did I tell you to handle it yourself? I told you to do what you want.”
“……”
“That doesn’t mean I’m okay with whatever. Of course I want you to like me.”
“……”
“If you say you hate it to death, I’ll let you go, but… I’ll cry next to you all the time. I’m good at crying. I can cry in 3 seconds.”
…I’m sure you can, it’s your job.
“You know I’m stubborn, right? If you go to meet someone else, I’ll film crying videos at home and send them to you.”
“……”
“I’ll send you videos of me lying in your room bawling.”
Won Dogyeong kept poking at me as I curled up facing the other way. I pretended not to notice and looked out the window, but imagining Won Dogyeong crying while holding a camera made the corners of my mouth try to loosen on their own, and I barely held it together.
“So if possible, don’t say you hate me. Your life will get exhausting.”
He said it jokingly and then closed his mouth. He was quietly looking ahead, but somehow a heavy silence flowed through the car. I pressed firmly on my clenched fingertips.
This wasn’t what I wanted to do.
My feelings kept stirring. I repeatedly swallowed and bit the inside of my mouth, trying to pull up my sinking heart.
Soon, Won Dogyeong, caught at a red light, gently grabbed my shoulder and turned me around. I resisted a bit, but eventually relaxed and sat up straight. He had turned completely toward me and carefully examined my face with an indecipherable expression.
The gaze flowing down my cheek was cautious.
“Are you not feeling well? Are you carsick? Should I pull over?”
The eyes facing me held no trace of annoyance or irritation, only deep concern, making my throat scratchy.
“No… I’m fine.”
“You’re really okay?”
He slowly gripped the steering wheel again but looked back at me several times. He must have thought my unusual sulking was because I wasn’t feeling well. He even looked a bit anxious, as if remembering me this morning covering my mouth and breaking into a cold sweat when I got in the car.
“Yeah. Just go. I’m fine.”
Even as I replied gruffly, this time I got a bit choked up at his worried tone and the hand stroking my shoulder.
Even though I’m throwing such a fit, Won Dogyeong worries about me. I felt like I might cry from guilt.
Why am I being so pathetic today?
I secretly took a deep breath to push down the rising emotions. My mouth was parched from swallowing every time my eyes got hot, trying to push it back down.
If I cry, he’ll worry more.
I didn’t want to make him worry, and I had no words to explain.
I reclined the seat back a bit again and flopped back, closing my eyes. I caught my breath and tried to think as rationally as possible.
There’s no reason to be like this at all. What’s the problem?
If Hyung got close to Won Dogyeong, that’s good.
How much could they have talked about me anyway? Yeo Daun is my hyung and Won Dogyeong is Won Dogyeong.
Hardship… If you ask who’s having a harder time between me and Won Dogyeong, it’s true that Won Dogyeong is having a harder time than me.
He drives me to and from work, makes meals, can’t eat many things because of me ailing from morning sickness, and even has to worry about me whining like this….
But what? After going through all that hardship, I should do whatever I want?
No, that’s not it. Calm down. He said it out of consideration for me, so why do I keep getting angry?
Then what, should he say “Do whatever I tell you to do!”? Would that make you feel better?
…Thinking about it, that would also feel bad. Isn’t there, like, a middle ground?
Somehow well… anyway something… like this and like that….
Haah…….
Really, what’s wrong with me? My emotions were jumping around so wildly that even that was getting on my nerves. Truly, I never acted this shitty even during puberty.
It passed so uneventfully that Mom worried about it. She’d ask me every day if I had any worries.
But what the hell is this now?
Can puberty come this late? Did menopause come early?
All kinds of thoughts crossed my mind. I thought of every possible reason a person’s emotions could change, then repeatedly drew lines through them and erased them.
Is it just that I’m a bit strange today for some reason…?
I thought the morning sickness had finally subsided a bit, but now this….
Morning sickness…?
Crazy, pregnancy!
I’m pregnant! Is it because of the pregnancy?!
*
The next morning, I opened my eyes bright and early at my usual time for going to work and tiptoed out the door. Yesterday, I ended up skipping dinner and going to bed early after getting home. My nerves kept getting frayed and I was becoming sensitive, so I felt like if I kept facing Won Dogyeong, I’d get irritated for no reason at all.
Won Dogyeong, not understanding why, watched my mood and organized his luggage. When I said I’d go in first and sleep, I must have looked really unwell because he said okay without complaint.
So then I felt hurt by that too. Damn it.
I even turned off the lights and lay in bed dawdling, and the clattering sounds from the kitchen kept making sadness wash over me, then suddenly tears trickled out.
My goodness. I haven’t cried since I was in elementary school….
No matter how much I thought about it, the only thing that had changed was Yongyong coming into existence.
I’d already been thinking I absolutely needed to read books related to trait-holders’ childbirth because of the pheromone incident, so I purchased an e-book while lying in bed and read it thoroughly.
Apparently mood swings can become severe when pregnant. For trait-holders especially, hormonal influence is significant, so all symptoms tend to appear in an extreme form.
But then again, depending on the person, it might not be like that, or something.
The baby’s father’s pheromones generally help with stability, but when symptoms are severe, they might not work….
Why are there so many “might be”s? In the end, it meant whether symptoms appeared and their severity were both random.
Eventually, I finished reading the book in the pitch-black room, wiped my tears while alone in bewilderment, and fell asleep.
And now, having woken up at the crack of dawn, irritation and everything else aside, morning sickness came back and my stomach was churning. Sighing heavily at the draining feeling from the morning, I poured and drank a glass of water.
Urgh. I feel like I’m going to throw up.
I staggered to sit on a dining chair and swallowed dry saliva while looking at the floor. I kept glancing sideways at the firmly closed bedroom door. Is Won Dogyeong still not awake?
Creak.
With good timing, the door opened and Won Dogyeong, with a bird’s nest on his head, trudged out with sleepy eyes.
“Sleep more.”
He let out a big yawn and came up to me, placing his hand on my forehead. He seemed to suspect yesterday was because I was sick.
The pheromones spreading gently through where we touched settled my stomach a bit.
“No fever.”
After confirming, Won Dogyeong was about to remove his hand and step back when I grabbed him and leaned my head against his stomach area. He paused for a moment, then lowered the hand that had been on my forehead and gently stroked my cheek.
“Stomach feeling bad?”
“Yeah….”
“Do you want porridge for breakfast?”
“No, rice…. I’m hungry.”
As I shook my head side to side with my head against his stomach, my hair got pressed all over his clothes making rustling sounds. Won Dogyeong slid the hand that had been touching my cheek down and gently massaged the back of my neck. Maybe because he just woke up, his hand was a bit cold, which felt nice.
“You should have eaten dinner before sleeping.”
“I know…… It’s okay now. I feel better.”
My stomach settled down a bit, so I lifted my head that had been leaning against him.
“Wait a moment. I’ll make you breakfast.”
His hand stroked my cheek once more before pulling away.
I rested my arms on the table and lay my head down, watching his figure busily moving back and forth between the refrigerator and the induction cooktop. He must have fully woken up by then because his movements were as efficient as usual.
The breakfast menu was mainly the side dishes we’d received yesterday. He warmed up seaweed soup, took out seasoned vegetables, and pan-fried tofu. I stared blankly as he chopped green onions into the soy sauce for dipping and stirred it, then what I’d only been thinking suddenly popped out.
“I really can’t eat without you anymore.”
“Why, because of morning sickness?”
Won Dogyeong glanced back at me and smiled. His hands were still stirring the small dish of soy sauce.
