“……”
There was no need to confirm it. This was an abnormal emotion, and hyung was someone far removed from abnormality. Hyung, who was always rational and reasonable, hyung who always stood on the correct answer, couldn’t possibly harbor such feelings for a relative younger brother of the same gender.
Just moments ago, he felt like he was bouncing around on clouds, but his mood plummeted in an instant again.
“I want to hear you play one piece, but sorry. I have to leave right away.”
“No! Go quickly.”
Hyung was just being nice because he’s his younger brother. Because his circumstances were pitiful, and he felt sorry for him constantly being sickly, so he cared more. So it was right to give up without holding onto useless hope.
His mouth tasted bitter as he was about to pound the keys, when his hand was caught as if entangled.
“You have to let me hear the first performance.”
Since it was a gift hyung bought, it made sense. But at the words that followed, Cha Ihyun had no choice but to hold his breath.
“My little brother’s first is always mine.”
“……”
Hyung had only said what he always said. The one who tailored his first school uniform, the one who put on his first wristwatch, the one who gave him various first experiences—it was all hyung. Hyung would smile and say “This is your first time doing this with me” each time. So he knew this time too was only that meaning…
“Play it for me in the evening. I’ll look forward to it.”
What do I do? Cha Ihyun squeezed his eyes shut. He knew giving up was right, but he only liked hyung more.
Seeing how those words, which were merely a greeting, sounded like sweet nothings whispered to a lover.
***
Cha Ihyun, who had groaned all night with a fever, finally came to a conclusion the next morning. That this was all because of hyung.
When someone who looks like that smiles like that and says such things, who wouldn’t fall for it and endure? So falling for hyung was like an unavoidable natural order.
Just then, the teacher’s voice penetrated.
“Underline this. ‘Here and now,’ it’s an existentialism keyword. Don’t just worry about what if you mess up the college entrance exam, here and now, huh? It means focus on the studying right in front of you.”
Right. Didn’t the world’s smartest scholars say so too? To be faithful to present emotions. As they say, it’s not like I’m going to confess to hyung, and if I just secretly like him, who would say anything?
It was only a matter of not getting caught. Once he decided to be a bit shameless, his heart felt much lighter.
Cha Ihyun looked at the blackboard. The chicken-scratch writing didn’t register in his eyes at all, but still, ethics and philosophy was a subject he quite liked. Unlike idiots who were only interested in games, lunch menus, and girls, discussing something idealistic and theoretical itself was attractive.
When he turned his head, more than half the heads were buried in their desks. To sleep during this important time of enlightenment—it was pathetic. And the peak of that patheticness was right in the seat next to him.
Cha Dobum was even snoring. He didn’t even have the sincerity to open his textbook. With his dress code violations, attitude violations, and even looking like that on top of it, the teachers were strangely lenient with Cha Dobum. They praised his brazen behavior as ‘having good social skills,’ and even gave him a thumbs up saying ‘he won’t starve anywhere he goes.’ Even the class president who should discipline such a guy instead used Cha Dobum to solve troublesome matters.
‘Everything is easy for him anyway.’
Even living selfishly, everyone praises and holds him up, so life must be really comfortable. That’s why he’s so immature.
But that’s only until this year. Status within the classroom was like a temporary sandcastle, so that status didn’t continue into society. Cha Dobum wasn’t good at studying, nor was he exceptionally good at anything.
The snoring got louder. Cha Ihyun, who felt suddenly irritated, pulled out a tissue and rolled it up. Then threw it at the face sleeping comfortably. With a stupid “Huh?” sound, Cha Dobum got up groggily. The sight of him yawning wide and scratching his belly really looked like an unemployed bum.
Just then, the bell rang. Cha Ihyun immediately went out to the hallway. Thinking only of hyung made his throat dry and he’d been drinking water, so he’d been needing the bathroom since earlier.
He generally didn’t use the school bathroom. Because the all-boys school bathroom was dirtier than livestock toilets. That alone was filthy, but the problem wasn’t just that. The bathroom was a place where words dirtier than its sanitary conditions poured out without filter.
It was during his first year. Because it was too urgent, he had no choice but to stop by the bathroom and heard a giggling conversation.
‘Hey hey, did you see Cha Dobum’s thing?’
‘I thought he was pulling out a fucking fire hose. The stream angle was fucking amazing, wasn’t it?’
‘So fucking jealous. That’s why he dates so many girls, right? Why is life so fucking unfair.’
He didn’t want to know about the lower body situation of a relative guy living in the same house. He wasn’t curious at all, and please, he wanted not to know. But after that, all sorts of descriptions mixed with admiration and praise continued in a row. Just hearing it felt like his ears were rotting.
After that, he absolutely never used the school bathroom. But the human body wasn’t something that could be controlled by will alone, and when it was urgent like today, he would use the faculty bathroom.
Cha Ihyun, who reached the faculty bathroom at the end of the hallway, hesitated. There was a sign saying ‘under construction’ in front of the door. As he stood there dumbfounded in bewilderment, a voice flew in from behind.
“Huh? Was princess faculty?”
It was Cha Dobum. Not knowing he’d followed, his voice came out sharp.
“What, you?”
“Huh? Didn’t you call me?”
Cha Dobum asked back, waving what was in his hand. It was the tissue ball he’d thrown earlier.
“I thought you were telling me to follow while holding this.”
“Why would that, no, why are you following me to the bathroom in the first place?”
“I thought you wanted me to wipe for you.”
Crazy bastard. Cha Ihyun grimaced and passed him. That tedious voice stuck to him from behind.
“Don’t you need to pee? Why aren’t you going?”
“……”
Cha Ihyun’s stride quickened.
“Oh dear, looks urgent. Huh? The bathroom’s over there? Not going?”
He moved his gaze in the direction Cha Dobum was pointing. The men’s bathroom during break time was a complete mess. Cha Ihyun answered in disgust.
“How can I go there?”
It’s filthy. At the words added quietly, Cha Dobum tilted his head. His face said he didn’t understand what was dirty about a bathroom being a bathroom. But soon he nodded as if understanding.
“True. Seeing those black things would be disgusting.”
“That’s not what I…”
“Hey, bathroom over there!”
The noisy bathroom became quiet. Those who had been giggling and playing looked at Cha Dobum hesitantly.
“If you guys aren’t going to piss, can you get out? Yeah, tell the friends inside to all come out too.”
The tone was just polite, but the way he waved his hand dismissively saying get the fuck out was far from polite. It took less than 10 seconds for the bustling bathroom to be completely emptied.
“Thanks, friends! Thanks to you I can take a shit comfortably. I won’t forget your consideration!”
It was so Cha Dobum. Still, there was something different from elementary and middle school. Back then, he definitely would have said ‘Cha Ihyun needs to pee so everyone move’… It seemed he had made some progress at least.
Cha Dobum, who went inside the bathroom, gestured for him to come in. Cha Ihyun looked around. The guys who were kicked out didn’t even look this way with their heads buried to the floor.
He was conflicted. Even if there were no people, it was still dirty. But it was still a long way to go home, and it was a bit urgent. The instinct to be comfortable gently urged Cha Ihyun.
Just then, Cha Dobum, who had hidden his form in the bathroom, suddenly stuck his face out.
“Princess, come in and pee.”
In one hand he held the mop placed in the bathroom. He shrugged his shoulders.
“Just in case, I wiped it down roughly.”
“……”
“Hurry. Holding that stuff in makes you sick, you know?”
His face flushed red at the attitude of treating him like a child. The stubbornness of just enduring until the end of 7th period flashed through his mind, but it was also ridiculous to be prideful about something like this.
Cha Ihyun eventually went inside the bathroom. Cha Dobum giggled saying ‘that’s right.’ When the door closed, the noise from outside was blocked by one layer.
The bathroom was in better condition than expected. Whether it was because Cha Dobum had wiped it once or not, it wasn’t to the point of furrowing his brow.
“Oh, I recommend not going into the stall.”
Cha Ihyun, who had ignored the words ‘it’s really terrible in there,’ slammed the door shut in one second. Cha Dobum giggled and leaned diagonally against the door.
With his door-sized bulk blocking the door, it didn’t seem like anyone would come in, but Cha Dobum’s gaze was blatant. So he positioned himself at the spot farthest from the door. Cha Ihyun, who was about to lower his hand to his waistband, raised his head at the persistent stinging gaze.
“What are you looking at?”
“Looking at Cha Ihyun’s dick.”
“Get out.”
“If I go out, the kids will come in though?”
The door actually rattled a few times. They tried to open the door, saw Cha Dobum through the gap, and quickly disappeared.
…Anyway, there’s no way he could see from there, and even if he could, it didn’t matter. There’s no reason to be reluctant between guys. But that piercing gaze was impossible not to be conscious of. Unable to stand it, Cha Ihyun glared at Cha Dobum.
“Won’t you turn your head?”
“Wow, what’s with that look? You’re looking at me like I’m a total pervert.”
“You are a pervert. I know exactly where you’re looking, you know?”
Cha Dobum’s lips curved to his ears.
