Bringing the fox back was purely—yes, truly purely—because of my reputation.
The villagers who had watched from a distance the noisy confrontation between me and the fox weren’t people I’d see just once and be done with.
I was planning to come back down when I needed to check more materials from the Mage Tower, and when I needed to obtain magic books for Lenox. So it would be troublesome in many ways to be branded as a despicable human who abandons animals.
I absolutely did not soften my heart to that teary-eyed beast. Absolutely not.
“Hyungnim!”
When I brought the fox back, Lenox forgot about his aching ankle and jumped up from his seat. The two of them hugging each other and making a fuss was like a separated family reunion.
Eventually, the carriage wheels began to move. Just like when we came, carrying two people and one beast. Lenox hugged the entire carrier and grinned broadly as if he’d never been sullen.
“This is great. Now we can come again. I wanted to take a walk side by side with Hyungnim on our next picnic.”
“I never said I wouldn’t bring you again, did I?”
“Well…”
Lenox answered while holding the slightly bouncing carrier.
“I kept thinking about how you let the fox go, so I thought we might not be able to come again.”
“…”
Having nothing to say in response, I pretended to look at the scenery rushing by outside the carriage window.
I’d failed to release the fox, the protagonist was just innocently smiling across from me, and I had somehow carelessly adapted to life here.
Was this right? What should I do now?
It was a dilemma with no answer, but I could know one thing. I wouldn’t be able to cast out those sitting across from me. At least not if they didn’t agree to it—absolutely not.
It was a certainty disguised as a premonition.
***
“I knew it would turn out this way.”
“What?”
Billy remained composed even when seeing the carrier that ended up being used for a round trip instead of one-way. Taking the item, he casually gathered the white fur stuck here and there in the carrier with indifferent hands.
“If you knew this would happen, why did you give this to me?”
“Well, because it was an order? Even though I become irreverent from time to time, I’m still trying to be faithful to Your Highness’s commands. Hmm, but anyway…”
Billy glanced at my feet.
“The fox seems quite angry, Your Highness.”
—Kkaeng.
“See. Isn’t that what I’m saying?”
“How can you tell?”
I said curtly while shaking off the fox clinging to my feet.
“Go. Go to Lenox’s room and sleep.”
—Kkiaeng.
“I have to work.”
—Kkiiiing.
Perhaps because I’d heard Billy’s words, the retorting cry sounded oddly like it was arguing.
“Just because it’s a beast that can’t speak doesn’t mean it knows nothing.”
Billy said while setting down warm tea in front of me.
“So how about you sleep with the fox today? To make up as well.”
“Make up, what…”
Trailing off, I snapped at the fox.
“If you’re going to sleep with me, don’t get in the way.”
Then the fox curled its body into a ball on the study carpet and waited for me obediently. Instead of whining, it just looked at me with its ears perked up, and when I finished organizing documents and stood up, it jumped up and trotted after me.
Right. Just because it can’t speak doesn’t mean it knows nothing. Since it was a creature that knew I’d tried to abandon it and felt sad, it must have been anxious.
“I’m only letting this slide for today.”
I decided to pretend not to notice the fox that promptly climbed onto the bed. Since I had committed a wrong, just for one day, really just one day…
…And so I fell asleep holding the fox tightly in my arms.
That night, I met Blanc in my dream. But his attitude seemed subtly different from usual.
“What?”
“What do you mean?”
“There’s something.”
“So what is it?”
I narrowed my eyes and circled around the pale man. The way he slightly avoided my gaze, his sharp tone, the hand scratching his cheek, the slightly edgy look in his eyes…
“What are you sulking about?”
“Sulking?”
As Blanc tilted his head, his pure white hair flowed down smoothly.
“Are you disappointed or dissatisfied with me too? That’s what I mean.”
“Mmm.”
After thinking for a moment, Blanc answered.
“Why didn’t you kiss me as soon as we met today?”
“…Huh?”
“Before, you used to hug me right away saying you were glad to see me.”
“Hey, that’s…”
That was because of the ‘Chaos Meter.’ Today there was no loss because of the commotion that went on all day, so Blanc’s power wasn’t particularly in need. Why would I kiss him when there’s no reason to?
Unlike me who became awkward, Blanc blinked his eyes while pitifully covering his mouth with both hands.
“Back then you took my lips like that, but now you’ve become cold just because you don’t need them anymore…”
“No, wait. If there’s no need, of course I should be cold. Why would I press lips without reason? What are we to each other?”
“If we became something, would you embrace me and kiss me every time?”
“First, I’d have to ask what we could become.”
“What could we become?”
“No.”
“…”
“I said no.”
In the end, Blanc properly sulked. The way he looked at me sulkily resembled the fox sleeping beside me.
“I don’t understand.”
Approaching me and embracing my waist, he tilted his head again. Our foreheads were almost touching, so his soft hair coolly tickled my cheek.
“You hate being lonely. You fear being left alone, and you break down the moment you’re completely abandoned.”
At the pointed truth without malice, I swallowed.
“Your soul became that way because you didn’t want to be left alone either, right?”
It was true. He had said my soul looked more colorful than others’, and the reason was that I tried to live the lives of several people.
It wasn’t difficult to figure out what that meant. I wanted to be an older brother to my young sister, wanted to be a guardian, wanted to replace our parents, and wanted to be a friend of the same age so the sick child wouldn’t be lonely.
It was to not leave my sister alone, but at the same time, it was also my desperate struggle not to be left alone. The reality that we would end up dropped alone into this world without each other applied to me as well.
“But why do you try not to give your heart?”
“…”
“If you give your heart, if you’re together, you won’t be lonely.”
It was a clear voice that seemed truly confused, even feeling innocent. I chuckled and bumped foreheads with a thunk.
“Because I’m a coward.”
“…”
“Because there’s no such thing as eternity in this world, and so I’m afraid of the separation that follows happy moments.”
Losing things that aren’t important doesn’t hurt. But the more you give your heart, the more precious something becomes, the more the empty space aches. I no longer had the ability to endure that loss, so I had no choice but to try not to give my heart from the start.
Even if you call me a coward, it can’t be helped. This was the minimum defense mechanism for me to survive. When I was told my sister might die, I…
“I won’t leave.”
The golden eyes that had come within inches were shining as if they weren’t of this world.
“I live longer than you, longer than your soul. So I’ll live longer than your fears.”
“…”
“If we become one, we can be together forever.”
It was a statement so sweet it felt like my teeth would rot.
“So don’t drive me away.”
“…”
“Call me with all your heart, and kiss me.”
“Even though I don’t even know when you’ll appear or when you’ll disappear?”
“Soon.”
He whispered with his lips against mine.
“I’m really almost there.”
I thought while receiving Blanc’s kiss.
What would happen if he truly kept his promise? If he showed me the eternity I’d never seen since birth, that I believed didn’t exist anywhere in the world?
Then would I have a way not to give my affection to such a person? Could I somehow push him away as I had done until now?
I pondered until morning came, but couldn’t find a clear answer.
