I waved my hand earnestly, then lowered it weakly. The fish customer approached me as I stood blankly at the counter.
“Hey, Hansol.”
“Ah… Eoun-nim. Should I make you more coffee?”
My mind was dazed, so I looked at my fingertips and reacted a bit slowly. With serious eyes, he spoke with difficulty.
“By any chance, are you thinking of dying?”
I stopped breathing for a moment.
“…Pardon?”
I should have immediately answered no. I was flustered and reacted like a fool. Perhaps convinced that was an affirmation, the fish grabbed my hand. I avoided his gaze at the slightly trembling touch. My mouth absolutely wouldn’t open.
“I asked because it seems like you’re preparing to leave….”
The fish, who had been speaking while trembling, shook his head.
“I thought it was strange sometimes. I should have noticed then.”
“Eoun-nim, no. It’s not that.”
“I think I’m too late….”
“Eoun-nim.”
His eyes were blaming himself. As if I had become like this because he didn’t notice.
“I don’t know what to do. I want to hold onto you, I want to tell you to endure, but I’m so sad that I don’t have the right to do that.”
Eventually the fish’s eyes wavered rapidly. Bubble bubble, as if tears were flowing, bubbles slowly rose little by little in the fishbowl.
“I hate and pity myself for doing this without knowing your pain…. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I should have cared for you faster. I should have asked about your true feelings before you made such eyes….”
Thud. Tears came out. Such sincere words. What am I to them. What am I to these people…. I tried to endure but tears kept flowing, so I eventually lowered my head. I was really fortunate that there were no customers in the cafe, that it was just the two of us. Perhaps bursting into tears together with my tears, the fish squeezed his eyes shut and his shoulders shook.
“To not notice until you were in this much pain, to be blinded by your kindness… I’m really a fool, an idiot.”
“Please don’t say that.”
The fish hugged me and started crying loudly. My chest throbbed.
“Eoun-nim left such good memories in my life. So please don’t blame yourself….”
Regardless of wanting to die, I shouldn’t have met again someone who was more precious than my life in the past. In the end, I was just destined to die alone carrying all of that.
After hugging and crying together for a while, I calmed down first and kept patting the fish’s back.
“This won’t do. If only this terrible curse would disappear….”
“Eoun-nim….”
“Boss Ppik and I have been going around asking about the curse. I’ll look into it harder….”
The fish, who grabbed my hand tightly and sniffled, said while still shedding tears profusely.
“If I find a way, then please pour out your pain to me.”
Without listening to my answer, the fish moved my hand to link pinky fingers, then left the cafe in a hurry saying he had to go somewhere right away. The silence that came instantly knocked on my chest. Had there been anyone in my life besides my parents who cried for me? My insides felt stuffy. I wanted to scream and cry, but it ended with a long sigh.
Lost in thought, I discovered my cell phone on the table, in a visible spot. I reached out and picked up the phone. Perhaps they even charged it, as the battery was maintaining 90%. I thought there’d be no one to contact me….
Aunt – [10]
Aunt – [9]
Aunt – [8]
My aunt sent one text message each day that passed. I didn’t know for what reason, but I got goosebumps. While it was scary, thinking that I would die soon made me wonder what meaning all this had. I put the phone in my pocket and went to the hall to clean. To erase stray thoughts, I rather moved more and looked for work to do.
4:40.
My condition wasn’t good, so it was about when I finally plopped down on a chair.
Ttalang.
“Welcome.”
The door opened and the person I missed yet least wanted to face right now entered. It was Bihyeon. Our eyes met, so I bowed in greeting and headed to the POS. I pressed the iced americano menu on the POS in advance and waited expressionlessly, just looking at the screen, for him to order. He came before me but didn’t particularly speak. When I raised my head, our eyes met. He too was expressionless.
“Please order.”
With a service smile after a long time, I fixed my gaze somewhere on his cheek. I didn’t have the confidence to meet those eyes that had grown cold as if we’d just met. Even at my words, there was still no answer.
“Please call when you’ve decided on a menu.”
Since he didn’t seem to have any intention of speaking right away, I turned around as is. Then he muttered in a small voice.
“Why….”
Since it seemed like he’d order an iced drink as usual, I took out a plastic cup.
Ttalang.
4:44. I turned around to greet the person who opened the door and entered. It was a customer with three eyes wearing a red coat.
“Welcome.”
“Oh my…? Hello, Bihyeon-nim.”
He gestured to her to order first and moved aside. The person who approached me closely looked at the menu board, then suddenly stuck her head out. Now I was a little accustomed to this fierce face, so I wasn’t startled. Though it was still scary.
“Hm? Are you sick somewhere?”
“No, there’s nowhere that hurts….”
“Not sick, my foot. You look like you’re about to collapse right now.”
I raised my hand and touched my face.
“Um, give me a chocolate latte and cookies.”
“Ah… I’m sorry, I couldn’t bake cookies today.”
“Oh my, what a shame.”
I wondered what I didn’t do today—I didn’t bake cookies. I’m losing and finding my mind. After sending off all the customers, I should bake cookies to sell in the afternoon. It was the only thing I enjoyed doing in my life. It was something I always took care of first when I came to the cafe….
Perhaps because my body hurt and I was tired, today I didn’t want to do anything. I barely moved my body to make the latte after checking out. The hand handing over the cup trembled. She looked at me with surprised eyes. I shook my head at her whose lips were moving. It seemed like I shouldn’t let him find out about my weakening appearance….
“Enjoy.”
She firmly held my hand, fumbling and touching it while checking my palm lines.
“…You know you don’t have much left, right?”
She glanced at Bihyeon, then approached me closely and spoke softly, almost in a whisper. When I didn’t say anything and just smiled, she exhaled softly. Her eyes were complicated in many ways.
“As expected, you….”
I felt like I knew what she would say. She probably wanted to say the same thing as the fish customer. Whether I wanted to die. So I didn’t give any answer.
“…I’ll get you a talisman tomorrow.”
“You don’t have to.”
She looked at me and smiled gently.
“I want to. I’ll be going now.”
I watched the back of her as she left waving her hand, then lowered my head. As I was touching my cheek, Bihyeon, who had been leaning on a table, approached. Did he hear the conversation with her? Seeing him on his phone, he didn’t seem particularly interested in the conversation we were having. Without looking at him, I fixed my gaze somewhere on the counter.
“It seems your way of treating customers has changed.”
It seemed like he was blaming me for not meeting his eyes and not smiling. I felt a bit choked up, but soon equipped a service smile and raised my head.
“Will you order?”
“Iced americano.”
“Yes, I received your card.”
After checking out, I returned his card and immediately turned my head. Suffocating silence flowed while making the coffee.
“Enjoy. And goodbye.”
I met his eyes very briefly, made a service smile, grabbed my phone and headed to the kitchen behind the counter. I didn’t particularly grab it to check messages. When I leaned against the wall and turned on my phone, there was a text from my aunt at 4:44.
Aunt – [7]
I’m exhausted. Even thinking about what this number means made me shudder, so I just crouched down and rested my forehead on my knees. Thump, the sound of footsteps gradually grew distant. Thud thud. I weakly hit my chest and squeezed my eyes shut.
‘I feel like I’m going to cry….’
I bit my lips while putting strength into the hand hitting my chest. Thump thump…. As I swallowed my tears while hitting my chest a bit painfully, suddenly the sound of footsteps grew close again. Approaching quickly, at the sound of knocking on the counter, I slowly raised my head. I stroked the area around my eyes and barely stood up, placing my hand on the wall. I was dizzy with vertigo.
As I stood there lowering my head for a moment, the knocking sound was heard once more. I squeezed my eyes shut and waited for the dizziness to pass, then barely went outside. With a stiff expression, he was looking straight at me.
“…Do you have more to order?”
“Let’s go together after you finish. I’ll do one more talisman for you….”
“No.”
I answered before his words could even finish. And I smiled.
“I won’t go to that place anymore.”
“Why all of a sudden?”
He looked straight at me and asked with a stiff face. He seemed somewhat angry, and also seemed frustrated. And the sadness underlying it made my chest hurt even more. I changed my gaze to look cold and hardened my lips.
Bihyeon-nim, I am that child. The Yoon who had to hurt you and disappear.
“I’m getting quite sick of dealing with non-human things now.”
Even as I spoke, I was hurt. As if I’d be sick of it. That short time spent here was the best memory of my life…. But if I continue to live like this, I feel like you’ll be hurt again because of me. Like my parents who died because of me in my past life and this time too.
My hands trembled, so I hid them behind me.
“Are you really a god? Even being by your side, nothing great falls on me…. Ah, I’m getting bored of this cafe part-time job too, so I’m thinking of wrapping it up soon.”
I hoped to seem cruel and irresponsible. I wanted to say I’m actually not such a kind human, and wanted to show I’m a wretched human opposite to that child. I threw my phone down on the counter and smiled gently with eyes devoid of any emotion.
“You didn’t… expect anything from me, did you?”
My hands trembled like crazy. With this, I hope you detach your affection from me. I hope you never think I’m that affectionate child.
