“Now I can finally live.”
How long has it been since I returned home? Quiet peace welcomes me. As soon as I lay down on the sofa, a joyful soliloquy burst out.
If I just live going with the flow of situations like water, won’t nothing happen? Nothing goes as I want anyway. Will the end approach if I just get swayed here and there?
‘If I had to live here for a lifetime…’
“Then I’d have to cause a huge ruckus.”
A suddenly absurd hypothesis came to mind. If I had to live here for a lifetime, I would have left Daejin without any mercy. Though that shouldn’t happen and won’t happen. Because I’m doing well. I always feel self-loathing for anxiously hanging all my hopes on one promise with Cha Jaehyun, but it will soon be a thing of the past.
‘It’ll be over soon enough.’
Ding-dong—
I was having trivial thoughts when I heard the doorbell. Not even 10 minutes have passed since I came in, yet an intruder has already appeared.
‘Ha… Who is it now?’
“You’re alive and well.”
As soon as I opened the door, Seo Hanryul hugged me with a bright smile. Flustered by the sudden action, I tried to push him away, but he had no intention of letting go. I was so annoyed by him constantly asking when I’d be out that I gave him a slight hint that I’d be coming home today, but to think he’d rush over right away…
“What is it?”
“A whole month. Your house is quite funny too, isn’t it?”
“Why did you come? If you have nothing to say, go back.”
“To someone you’re seeing for the first time in a month, really?”
Seo Hanryul naturally entered the house. Looking at his shameless behavior, it seems like nothing has changed, yet I really can’t figure him out.
“You’ve grown out your bangs.”
“That’s what happened.”
“Because of the scar?”
“Yeah.”
“…Son of a bitch.”
Seo Hanryul quietly muttered a curse. Who he’s saying it to—it’s truly fierce. Even after spitting out the curse, as if forgetting I was in front of him, his expression remained crumpled for a long while.
“Cursing as soon as you arrive… Is your head that messed up?”
“No, it’s good. …You annoying bastard, you’re handsome no matter what you do.”
As I spoke to him, as if his mind returned, he smiled brightly and swept back my bangs. Looking closely, he had brought herbal medicine in his hand. Seeing him grinning continuously at me like a screw had come loose, I thought the person who should be taking herbal medicine was someone else.
“Are you sick somewhere?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t act weird for no reason. They say people die when they suddenly change. …Just act like your usual rude self.”
“What?”
As soon as he came out of the main house, he rushed over and hugged me, personally prepared medicine, and can’t take his eyes off my face. I don’t want to deny it, but I can tell all of this isn’t ordinary.
“It’s weird, so stop.”
“You’ve been making me look ridiculous since last time.”
When I seriously looked into his eyes, he moved closer to the side and gave a slight eye-smile. At least his face is handsome, but seeing him grinning—it’s hateful yet I don’t feel bad. On one hand, I thought he really has no sense, getting treated like that by Cha Jaehyun.
“Don’t easily give your heart to just anyone. …If you decided to hate someone, hate them to the end.”
“…I’m not an easy guy. You know that well, don’t you?”
Seo Hanryul is right. Seo Hanryul isn’t a pushover. Previously, even though Cha Jaehyun was so obsessed, he didn’t give him a single glance—he’s not an easy person, so why is he showing such an easy-going appearance now?
“Yeah, I know. But look at yourself. Coming to see me as soon as you left the house, even bringing medicine. No matter how you look at it, isn’t it strange?”
“You’re right.”
The cheerful and bright appearance he’d been showing until now evaporated instantly, and he let out a hollow laugh as if annoyed with himself. Deep, stifling emotions that seemed to have accumulated over a long period rose to his face.
“I said it at the hospital. Wouldn’t it be better if you just died?”
“…”
“Yeah, that’s right. I wished you’d just die. But when you actually collapsed, I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. Do you know the feeling of all the blood in your body drying up? I was disgustingly repulsed… Do you know who I hated most while you were lying there unable to even open your eyes?”
“…”
“Me. I cursed myself the most for having such thoughts before.”
As soon as I heard his inner thoughts, my whole body froze. Seo Hanryul not only forgave Cha Jaehyun but has feelings beyond that for him. Just because the person who tormented him so much was lying in a hospital bed, he cursed himself.
All the unnatural behaviors he’d shown me until now, the way he looked at me, and what he’s saying now. Putting it all together…
This isn’t right. Cha Jaehyun is a bad person, but I don’t understand Seo Hanryul either. How can he have such feelings for someone he detested so much that he once wished they were dead? Perhaps Seo Hanryul doesn’t properly recognize his own heart.
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because I want to. You need to know too. How I felt when you collapsed.”
“Don’t say things like that. …We’re not in that kind of relationship, are we?”
“…If you say so, then that’s what it is. But I still have no intention of leaving now. You wouldn’t kick out someone who rushed over without sleeping because they were worried, would you?”
After hearing my answer, he hesitated for a moment, then made an awkward expression, and I felt sorry for him. Looking closely, his face seemed somewhat haggard. Moreover, there was an indescribable heaviness in his eyes, so I couldn’t mercilessly kick him out.
‘It might not be that.’
It might not be that kind of feeling. As a result of being by Seo Hanryul’s side for a short period, this guy feels a lot of loneliness. He was so angry at Cha Jaehyun that he made an unreasonable request, and I did that job well—I did that job better than he expected. So without realizing it, he became accustomed to me who had entered his life. And he might be confusing that familiar feeling with a different emotion.
Poor bastard. Thinking that Seo Hanryul, feeling such emotions for someone he dislikes, is also quite pitiful, I thought I should help him sort out his thoughts by settling things today.
“Thinking about it, that’s not wrong. But I’m completely better. I’m saying there’s no need to worry.”
“Don’t ever get hurt again.”
“I didn’t know you thought of me that way. Do as you please today. Stay if you want to stay.”
I need to make him realize it today. I need to clearly make him aware that he’s mistaking his familiarity with Cha Jaehyun for a different emotion.
‘I need to say it quickly.’
In the end, without being able to say anything, it became time to sleep, and Seo Hanryul spouted an absurd excuse that he’d be scared sleeping alone in a large room and slyly settled down next to me and lay down. With a pitiful heart, my hand went to Seo Hanryul’s face as he closed his eyes.
‘Poor bastard.’
I gently stroked his eyebrows with my hand. Seeing him sleeping quietly, I feel compassion. How flustered and annoying must it be to have such feelings for someone he hated so much? Now I understand his attitude that wavered back and forth with me. He couldn’t figure out his own heart either.
“I’m not asleep.”
“…”
“If you touch someone’s face like that, what do you think I’d think?”
“…”
“How flustering…”
That con artist—he wasn’t sleeping. Startled, I removed my hand, but he brought my hand back to his face and closed his eyes with a pleased smile. His appearance of transparently revealing his inner thoughts all day is uncomfortable.
With a startled heart, I stared at his face in a daze for a while. The situation is more serious than I thought.
‘I absolutely have to tell him tomorrow. This isn’t right.’
* * *
“You’re up?”
When I opened my eyes, there was the smell of freshly cooked rice. When I went out to the living room, Seo Hanryul naturally called my name and gestured for me to sit at the table. I can’t delay any longer. I have to say it now.
“I think you’re misunderstanding something.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know it too. That it’s strange. …I understand that it could happen. But it’s really not that. You’re just temporarily confused because you were stuck with someone you dislike every day.”
“What?”
He was making something in front of the gas range, then turned off the fire and strode toward me. His expression was crumpled like crumpled paper, but no matter how much he frowned, I had to solve the problem he was facing. I can’t maintain this strange relationship with him for the remaining time.
“Let’s be clear. You’re weird. I’m not saying anything wrong, am I? Snap out of it.”
“Don’t try to define other people’s feelings. …Sometimes I’d rather wish your memory would come back.”
“…”
“I wanted to kill you and had no intention of forgiving you. Do you know what’s even more annoying? Now I even understand those actions. Fuck, it’s really painful.”
He looks at me with a bitter smile. Seeing his anguished face, I could tell that the emotions he was experiencing weren’t a simple misunderstanding. I shouldn’t dig any deeper into his feelings. If I dig deeper, there will be no answer.
I’m a body that will soon return—having such deep conversations would be terrible to him too.
“…I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that just now. Think carefully about it. You’re making a mistake.”
“Even if you say so, it can’t be helped. I’m struggling too, I’m annoyed. But I can’t stop. Now it’s your turn to remember everything.”
Tears begin to well up in his eyes. So it’s real. The foolish suspicion was true. The poor bastard has given his heart to Cha Jaehyun. I knew he was a hopeless person, but I didn’t know he’d be this helpless. How did he end up having his heart stolen by someone he hates?
I made a mistake. Seo Hanryul’s feelings seemed to have already deepened to the extreme. I should have quietly passed by pretending not to know, but I was the one who touched that heart first.
‘Ha…’
I couldn’t say anything to Seo Hanryul suffering in front of me.
