Seongjo didn’t particularly enjoy theoretical and emotional talk. He tried to look at situations rather than people. However, even Seongjo, having now finished a long relationship miserably, couldn’t help but fall into thought.
Why do people change? Or is it that love changes, not people?
For a long time, he was immersed in contemplation, recalling memories from long ago. His first meeting with him was so intense even before knowing his face that it remained a memory he still couldn’t shake off to this day.
That’s why Seongjo, who had barely escaped from his thoughts, opened a box in the corner of his bookshelf for the first time in a while. Thanks to keeping it well, a note that wasn’t crumpled at all was contained in one side of the box.
Of the notes he’d exchanged with him back when he didn’t even know his face, only one remained. The last note he’d seen in the department room the day after getting drunk.
All the others weren’t with Seongjo because he’d written replies on the back and returned them. Because Yeongbeom also hadn’t kept them separately, the rest all remained only in memory. There were many times he’d regretted that if he’d known it would turn out this way, he should have used new memo paper instead of writing replies on the back.
The fact that Yeongbeom hadn’t kept the notes also felt regrettable. Now that they’d broken up anyway, there was no need to cherish notes from an ex-lover, so it had become an irrelevant matter either way.
According to what he’d heard from Yeongbeom, at that time he’d decided he wouldn’t hang around Seongjo anymore and stopped going to the library. It was a story he’d heard after they’d already become a couple.
It hadn’t taken that long from when they first saw each other’s faces to when they started dating. It was the first time he’d had interest in a man, but it was easy because there was already fondness built up through notes. Since he’d thought from the time they were exchanging Post-its that the other person’s gender wasn’t important, finding out it was a man didn’t make his interest cool off in an instant.
Yeongbeom confessed only after they’d become lovers like that. The fact that actually, from the time Seongjo didn’t know Yeongbeom’s face, Yeongbeom had already had feelings for Seongjo.
But during the note exchange, he felt that ‘this won’t do.’
In the end, he decided to give up his feelings and stopped hovering from afar, but on that very day, he happened to see Seongjo drunk.
Seongjo recalled what Yeongbeom had said and unfolded the one remaining note.
The phrase written in surprisingly neat handwriting caught his eye.
[Drink alcohol in moderation. It harms your health.]
Compared to when he first saw it, the writing had faded considerably. Someday there would come a day when the color would completely fade and become invisible. Thinking that, his mouth felt bitter for no reason.
Though it was a memo given by an ex-lover from whom all affection had fallen away… strangely, looking at the note wasn’t as painful as thinking of Yeongbeom. Was it because the note and Yeongbeom felt like completely separate incidents?
Yeongbeom said that when writing notes to give Seongjo, he deliberately wrote each letter with sincerity. That’s probably why it became such impeccably clean handwriting.
Yeongbeom’s usual handwriting that Seongjo saw after learning his face was similar to that on the notes, but it wasn’t perfectly clean to that extent. The way he wrote consonants like ㅇ (ieung), ㅎ (hieut), ㅂ (bieup), and ㅁ (mieum) was the same, so you could somehow recognize it as the same person’s writing, but at first glance, the feeling was completely different.
It would have been better if he’d never known who was behind those Post-its.
It would have been better if the one worrying about him not to drink with neat handwriting was someone unknown, not Yeongbeom.
Seongjo thought such futile thoughts and then let out laughter while making a deflating sound alone. Memories made him think such meaningless thoughts.
* * *
For a while, he couldn’t fall asleep. Even when he tried to close his eyes, past memories clung persistently like afterimages. In the end, morning came after spending time either working on documents all night, being lost in thought alone, or looking out the window.
Only after reaching a state where he could no longer endure did he manage to fall asleep. Seongjo, who had jumped onto the bed as if throwing his body, opened his eyes much later, when his phone rang.
At the bell sound that continued long, he fumblingly moved his hand and grasped his phone. Without even looking at the screen, he unlocked it by feel alone and answered the call just like that.
“…Hello.”
– Were you sleeping?
Hearing that voice, he finally came to his senses a bit from a completely half-asleep state. Seongjo cleared his locked voice and answered.
“Ah… Teacher Jeon?”
He held the phone far from his face and checked the time on the screen. It was already past 6 PM. Since he hadn’t slept until morning, he knew he’d missed his sleep time, but he hadn’t thought he’d open his eyes only when evening was almost here.
Since he wasn’t the type to sleep long originally, he was flustered himself and let out a small hollow laugh before continuing.
“I just woke up. I fell asleep in the morning…”
He’d slept unusually long at Yujeong’s family home too, so the aftereffects might still remain. While Seongjo was chasing away sleep by dry-washing his face, Yujeong asked in an indifferent voice.
– Did you drink or something?
“I didn’t drink, I didn’t.”
He’d expected that question. The denial was immediate, but after spitting it out, he wondered whether to add more words. After brief thought, Seongjo just opened his mouth as it was.
“I was going to drink, but I thought Jeon Yujeong-ssi would be disgusted.”
Yujeong was silent for a moment.
Did he think it wasn’t sincere? But it was true. After reading the words ‘don’t drink alcohol’ on the note he’d kept, ironically he’d rather wanted to have a drink, but when he actually tried to pour wine, Yujeong had come to mind.
Did he need to explain even that? But fortunately, before opening his mouth again, Yujeong said:
– You did well.
Since it was essentially the words ‘I didn’t drink because I thought of you,’ Yujeong must have understood. Perhaps during that brief gap of silence, he might have felt good or embarrassed. With that thought, Seongjo, who curved his lips in a smile, asked:
“Did you call because it’s dinner time?”
– Yes, you didn’t check the message.
Since he’d been sleeping, there was no way he could have checked messenger. Seongjo, who let out a hum, went in to check the message from Yujeong while saying the mutually obvious story of ‘Because I was sleeping.’ Yujeong continued in a light tone as if it didn’t matter now.
– It’s not much. I forgot to do grocery shopping in advance. I’m going to go shopping now, but I wanted to say I might be a bit late.
“Really? Well, it doesn’t matter if I just order something simple or go out to eat?”
Seongjo said in a slightly worried voice. Diligent Yujeong forgetting grocery shopping was probably because it was right after going to his family home with Seongjo. It seemed he hadn’t had time until now today either, so he wondered if it was okay to let him go grocery shopping.
– You should eat home-cooked food.
However, Yujeong immediately returned a refusal. It seemed his obsession with home-cooked meals was still the same. In fact, Seongjo had only been considerate of him; he hadn’t really meant he wanted to buy food. At this point, Seongjo had also adapted to Yujeong’s cooking to the extent that eating anything else wasn’t satisfying.
Then, just as he was about to say he’d wait, Yujeong said:
– Would you like to come together?
Seongjo froze with his phone in his hand. Though it wasn’t particularly special words, his sleepiness fled. As if possessed, he nodded and answered yes.
* * *
Seongjo stuck his hands in his pockets and looked around with interest. The LED lighting on the mart ceiling was exceptionally bright, making it impossible to gauge the time outside. He thought it might be a method to make products more visible.
While Seongjo stood still in that spot, Yujeong came pulling a cart. Though it would be an everyday sight to others, the shopping cart separated by inserting a coin was quite interesting to Seongjo.
“Oh.”
Having mumbled for no reason once, Seongjo walked standing side by side with Yujeong just like that. To Seongjo, who still seemed interested in his surroundings, Yujeong said a word.
“You’re like a little kid visiting a mart for the first time.”
“Too old to be called a kid. But it is true I’m visiting for the first time.”
Seongjo answered readily without looking hurt in his pride. Then Yujeong looked back at Seongjo.
What expression should that be called? Was he thinking it was strange to have never visited a mart even once until now? But around Seongjo, there were many chaebol youths who had never even set foot in a convenience store, let alone a mart. Compared to them, Seongjo was on a very good side.
When Seongjo was inwardly caught up in such self-defense, Yujeong opened his mouth and asked lightly as if spitting it out:
“Didn’t you go to the mart even when meeting your ex-lover?”
