What a strange feeling.
After falling into a deep sleep intoxicated not by his own will but by the effects of medication, Raon woke up and carefully looked around the unfamiliar space. In this house filled with brand new items that seemed completely untouched by human hands, the only place that held any warmth was the space where Jaehwi moved.
Since he had been lying down continuously, when Raon said he wanted to get up, Jaehwi lifted him without a word and moved him to the living room sofa. After wrapping Raon tightly in a blanket so he couldn’t move an inch, Jaehwi was bustling about in the kitchen.
Watching the clattering sounds and Jaehwi repeatedly opening and closing the sink drawers, a small smile bloomed on Raon’s lips. A paper bag with the logo of a famous porridge specialty restaurant clearly visible sat on the dining table. Since he had no cooking skills, Jaehwi had obviously either ordered delivery or bought porridge to feed him, but without unpacking what he’d brought, Jaehwi was busy alone trying to do something else.
Raon couldn’t gauge whether he had gotten one step closer to Jaehwi or had become more distant than before. But not wanting to break this cozy and warm atmosphere, Raon only followed Jaehwi with his eyes.
Today too, my dependable and handsome Hwi.
He seems to have gotten even bigger in the meantime. Ah, his hair has gotten long.
When he first saw him, it was short enough that he could feel the prickliness directly. That’s why he felt sharper and more sensitive. Like a hedgehog with all its quills raised, should he say?
With his comfortable indoor clothes, overgrown hair, and fumbling gestures, it finally felt like he was seeing the Jaehwi he knew.
“Hwi.”
Though it was a voice so small it seemed to only linger in his mouth, Jaehwi’s face appeared as he had been bent over rummaging under the sink. It was a quick reaction that made his brief contemplation over whether to call him Min Esper or by his name seem pointless.
Raon smiled faintly, uncertain whether he should keep an appropriate distance as Jaehwi wanted, or if he could approach as close as he himself desired. But then he wrapped his arms around his torso and bit his lower lip at the pain he felt in his body.
I can’t even laugh because it hurts.
As he waited for the pain to subside, catching his breath and raising his head, Jaehwi was kneeling right in front of him, checking on him.
“I’m okay.”
After the pain passed, when he met Jaehwi’s eyes and spoke, the worry that had been seeping into Jaehwi’s face gradually cleared. He wasn’t sure if he had changed the blunt and cold Jaehwi, but Jaehwi was definitely conscious of him.
Recalling their conversation before falling asleep, Raon chuckled.
That you’re kind because you like me, because you can’t refuse me when I like you…
Looking at each other like this, it really felt like they had returned to the past. Back then, Jaehwi was always within arm’s reach. When he sat on the sofa working, Jaehwi would sit on the floor leaning against the sofa. Then he would reach out and touch his abundant hair. He would enjoy the feeling of Jaehwi’s short hair slipping between his fingers, sometimes sweeping it back, sometimes stroking it like petting a large dog’s head.
Raon’s hand moved slowly. Even knowing that Jaehwi disliked him touching him, he couldn’t stop his hand from moving toward him. Raon’s fingertips touched Jaehwi’s hair. The sensation traveling through his fingertips was the same, but the gaze directed at him had a different texture.
Back then, he didn’t know.
The countless emotions trapped in Jaehwi’s eyes.
With warmth as the base, various emotions had settled over it. Sometimes it was playfulness, sometimes curiosity, there was worry, and there was comfort. The last eyes he clearly saw had been full of lust…
That’s how Jaehwi had been expressing himself. With words, with his gaze, with his actions.
And what had he done to him in return? Distracted by irrelevant things, he failed to notice and only inflicted wounds. Those eyes that had honestly revealed various emotions now contained nothing.
He kept regretting and longing for the past. The Jaehwi of then and the Jaehwi of now were the same Jaehwi. Unresolved lingering attachment had been holding onto his ankles.
“I’m sorry.”
Since he couldn’t tell him the truth, from Jaehwi’s perspective he probably wouldn’t know what the apology was for, but Raon spoke with sincerity. What came back in response to the apology he had to muster courage for was a short sigh. Then in one moment, Jaehwi’s action of quickly pulling away left his hand that had been stroking his head floating in the air.
“Don’t cross the line.”
At the cold words and Jaehwi’s back as he returned to the kitchen, Raon withdrew his outstretched hand and loosely clenched his fist. I must have unconsciously put energy into it. Round energy circled inside his fist. Do you hate my guiding that much? There were times when you accepted it. Were you really struggling to the point of reaching your limit back then?
Raon slowly unclenched his fist. The small energy had grown a bit larger. After resting for a few days, the energy he couldn’t release gathered better than usual.
“Do you hate my energy?”
While making the bundled energy grow larger, Raon looked at Jaehwi, who seemed to have given up on finding something while rummaging through the kitchen and was now unpacking the paper bag on the dining table.
“It’s uncomfortable.”
“Why?”
“…Because our compatibility doesn’t match.”
“Liar.”
With his lips jutting out sullenly, Raon grabbed the blanket wrapped around him.
“Don’t make me into such a terrible bastard that I’d have a power struggle with a sick person. Right now I can’t even put you to sleep since I removed the IV.”
It felt like cold wind was seeping into the space that had been relaxed like a warm spring day.
“Min Jaehwi.”
“That’s enough. There’s abalone porridge, ginseng chicken porridge, and beef vegetable porridge. Which one will you eat?”
At his appearance of not even looking at him, firmly cutting off the conversation and trying to change the topic to food, Raon had to suppress his emotions that were getting tangled up in confusion.
I thought we’d gotten closer, but no.
“I was trying to find a bowl to serve it to you properly, but I’m not familiar with this house yet so I don’t know where things are. It’s okay to eat it like this, right?”
Was the reason he’d been turning the kitchen upside down earlier, as if he was going to break all the household items, because he was looking for a bowl? Raon could neither laugh nor cry at his own emotions that kept raging. When one side endlessly pushes away while the other side acts so kind and sweet like this, what am I supposed to do?
Just as his thoughts became complicated and he was about to disperse the energy that had grown to the size of an apple, something flew toward Raon without hesitation along with a “Ppiyoooong!” sound.
Frozen for a moment at the sudden appearance of something, Raon had his energy stolen in an instant without any chance to prepare. Bbobbo, who had slurped up the formless energy in one gulp, was flying around in circles cheerfully chirping “Ppiyong! Ppiyong!”
After sticking out its small tongue to lick its mouth, Bbobbo pressed its snout against Raon’s palm and sniffed around as if looking for the disappeared energy. After sniffing for a while, it even gently pushed his palm with its snout as if demanding more energy.
As the warmth that had filled the house gradually disappeared and the standoff between Jaehwi standing in front of the dining table and Raon sitting on the sofa lengthened, awkwardness filled that space. Just as Jaehwi said, it was only a meaningless power struggle, and though he knew he should back down first, Raon couldn’t easily open his mouth.
The atmosphere that had become cold enough to make breathing difficult and seemed about to shatter at any moment ended absurdly anticlimactically with Bbobbo’s appearance.
“So it was you who kept stealing my energy.”
Unable to offer the first apology, Raon spoke to Bbobbo instead while letting a bit more energy flow into his palm. Each time he let energy flow, Bbobbo made “Pporongpporong!” sounds as if feeling good and absorbed it all.
“Bbobbo.”
At Jaehwi’s voice, Bbobbo perked up its head and flew without hesitation toward what Jaehwi threw into the air. A round, shiny silver thing instantly went into Bbobbo’s mouth. As Jaehwi, who had finished unpacking the food, approached, Raon unwrapped the blanket around his body.
“No. It’s okay.”
At Jaehwi’s action of trying to lift him like when he moved him from the bed to the living room, Raon held out his hand to stop him.
Turning away even the hand reaching out to help him stand, it took quite a long time to get up on his own. Even when he stood up alone, crossed the living room, arrived at the kitchen, and sat across from him at the dining table, Raon tried not to show his pain.
And during that entire process, though Jaehwi was close enough to reach with an outstretched hand, Raon didn’t rely on him.
Every time he woke from sleep, the atmosphere kept changing rapidly according to the brief conversations they had. Was Jaehwi as confused as he was? Endlessly gentle then freezing in an instant, close enough to have no personal space then distant enough to be unreachable no matter how hard he tried.
“Min Jaehwi.”
Holding his spoon, Raon stirred the abalone porridge that still held warmth.
“Yes.”
“We’re really difficult, don’t you think so too?”
“Yes.”
“Is there a place for me in your future?”
As if he hadn’t just prickly raised his quills a moment ago, sitting across from him and pulling the ginseng chicken porridge he hadn’t touched toward himself, Jaehwi readily answered.
That’s why Raon returned the question Jaehwi had thrown at him just as it was.
