As Jang Juwon hesitated and only rolled his eyes around, Baek Iseon laughed lightly and hugged him. The warm and light body entered his embrace without resistance. His heart began to beat pleasantly.
Yes, this was exactly it.
He felt that emotion he’d never understood in his life, yet had always made a corner of his heart uncomfortable, slowly awakening inside him.
Baek Iseon began in a plain voice. Though a bit late, he thought he now knew what to say.
“I think I like you.”
“……”
“I think so.”
Strength entered Baek Iseon’s hand wrapped around Jang Juwon’s shoulder.
* * *
Baek Iseon’s life was boring. It wasn’t something that suddenly happened one day, but had been that way since he was too young to remember. Living was too easy. From the time he was born, he easily gained people’s attention. Whether family or strangers, everyone easily developed a liking for him and approached him. At first, Baek Iseon thought everyone lived the same life as him. A life where more attention always poured in than wanted.
He learned it wasn’t like that around the time he first entered school. Not everyone lived that kind of life. In society, people’s attention was always limited and always unfairly distributed. And it was always excessively distributed to Baek Iseon.
For someone who’d lived an easy life, Baek Iseon was quick-witted. He realized early on why he monopolized attention everywhere. The reason was more trivial and hollow than expected. Appearance, family background, intelligence and such things…… Those were all qualities he was born with, not the kind of things that could be obtained through effort. So all this situation could only feel ridiculous to Baek Iseon.
However, even for Baek Iseon, who had realized this boring and base way of life, he needed something of his own. He needed something worth holding in his hands through effort. So he studied. It wasn’t that he had any particular goal. It was just that grades were the most appropriately fitting requirement for that age. Academic work even suited his aptitude. School life became smooth upon smooth.
He didn’t particularly know how to make friends. He just sat still and smiled and gave appropriate responses, and the other person thought they’d become friends with him. To him, that was a friend, and in that sense, Baek Iseon had many friends. And when the environment changed, that group also changed swiftly like replacing parts. He never intended to maintain them. When they could be easily obtained, why bother putting in effort?
One day, his older brother, Baek Wooseon, said:
“Baek Iseon, you don’t even know that you’re deficient, do you?”
Baek Iseon couldn’t understand why he was angry. Baek Iseon had so very much.
“If you lose everything you have, no one will remain by your side.”
“I’ll stay!”
“Baek Myeongseon, don’t butt in.”
Of course, Baek Iseon knew he wouldn’t lose everything he had. However, for some reason, those words remained in a corner of his heart and soured his mood.
Uploading his profile to Tintin was impulsive. According to Baek Myeongseon, groups that share secrets become close more easily. He wanted to prove that Baek Wooseon’s words were wrong.
And he failed. The guy who suddenly kissed him seemed to have absolutely no interest in things like friendship. At first, he was a little pissed off. So he played around a bit. The sight of him groaning beneath him was quite worth watching. Naturally, he thought he’d be able to see that kid again without effort. However, when he said “one more time next—” the answer that came back was a rejection.
“I don’t like that kind of clingy stuff.”
It was a bit shocking, but not enough to dwell on deeply. He was sure of that, yet they ran into each other again. Clingy? As he ruminated on his words, a childish feeling arose. This time, he wanted to really mess with him. He had a card that could reject rejection, and it worked perfectly.
Baek Iseon made an effort. He invested time and put in work. It was more fun than expected. Like when he’d devoted himself to his studies during his school days. He could feel him gradually relying more on him. He could feel him opening his heart. At this rate, capturing him was only a matter of time. He was the fruit of his efforts.
Then an obstacle appeared. It was the first time in his life he’d been this angry at someone. Also the first time he’d been obstructed by someone. So he did his utmost to pay him back.
Sometimes this question would occur to him. Why did he want to hold that kid so badly? Was it fun seeing him pretend otherwise even though he liked him? Because it felt good to hold him? Or was it simply because his face was his type?
Whatever it was didn’t matter. Baek Iseon simply acted as he wanted. One thing was certain: he wanted him. He wanted to keep him by his side. To the point of wanting to lock him up somewhere so another obstacle wouldn’t appear again.
So when he tried to escape from him, he impulsively blurted out:
“You like me.”
When he got kicked in the shin, his chest strangely ached. The spot that was hit was separate. He thought it might be the sensation of failure he was tasting for the first time, but there was a part that couldn’t be explained by that alone.
And it was shortly after that he learned its identity. When he happened to run into that kid at the studio, Baek Iseon had a ridiculous thought.
‘Maybe that kid and I……’
He soon erased that thought from his mind. It wasn’t like he was a teenager entering puberty. He was embarrassed at himself.
Then eventually, he made a mistake with him. The problem was that he didn’t even remember committing something. Other than the thought that he needed to apologize right away, he couldn’t do anything. He hoped he wouldn’t hate him. He was afraid he would dislike him. So he rushed to find him. He didn’t even have time to think about the reason for the fear he was feeling.
“If I made a mistake, I apologize……”
“Haha, a mistake……”
However, the expression of the kid hearing his apology was that of someone hurt. Baek Iseon felt anxious. Don’t do that, please. Baek Iseon hoped he would say anything at all.
“You know I like you, so is it fun playing with people?”
And the moment he heard those words, Baek Iseon felt an enormous elation for the first time in his life. His pulse quickened and his breathing became rapid. He was desperate to hold this kid before his eyes right now. Only then did he realize. The reason he’d endured all sorts of troublesome things, been anxious about every single reaction, and felt fear.
It was the moment when a deficiency he didn’t even know he had was resolved. His chest swelled up, filled to bursting with satisfaction. This was the feeling. Everyone else had been living while feeling this kind of emotion.
Though it was an emotion he was feeling for the first time since birth, he could know intuitively. That it was an emotion irreplaceable by any other word.
“I think I like you. It seems like that.”
Though they might be somewhat ridiculous words to express his feelings, there were no words that represented Baek Iseon better than those.
* * *
Unlike the speaker’s calm voice, the meaning of those words was enough to shake Jang Juwon. His heart felt like it would burst. Jang Juwon thought it was fortunate he was being held by him right now. Since he didn’t have to show his face flushed bright red.
However, on the other hand, the reality was that he couldn’t just be happy. Though he did like him, separate from that, Baek Iseon wasn’t a trustworthy person. He was always selfish, didn’t reveal his inner thoughts well, and repeated mischievous words and actions. So naturally he couldn’t trust him. With one word from Baek Iseon, all the actions he’d done to him until now couldn’t disappear in an instant.
Of course, he didn’t think he was lying. But that didn’t mean it would always be the truth. What if it was a mistake? What if he was just mistaking the feeling of wanting to keep him around to have sex with him for feelings of liking? What if that’s why he said “I think I like you” instead of “I like you”?
And if the moment came when he realized his feelings were a mistake, then Jang Juwon would definitely be hurt more than ever before.
His blood ran cold. Now was not the time to be swayed by emotions. Even if he regretted it later, he had to say it. He had to protect himself first before receiving an irreparable wound someday.
“……I, Sunbae……”
“Yeah.”
“I can’t believe what you’re saying……”
“……”
“……”
Silence flowed in the small room. Even after spitting out the words, Jang Juwon’s heart raced anxiously. He couldn’t see Baek Iseon’s face, so he didn’t know what he was thinking. Did he come to dislike him? Or was he hurt?
He felt the strength draining from Baek Iseon’s hands. As he released Jang Juwon from his embrace, he gently lifted his head. Jang Juwon’s eyes, filled with anxiety, desperately chased after him to read Baek Iseon’s expression.
When their eyes met, Jang Juwon felt somewhat flustered. Neither of his guesses was correct. A satisfied-looking smile spread across his face. He’d said he couldn’t believe him, so there was no way that answer would be satisfying, and as expected, he was a strange person whose thoughts were impossible to guess.
Baek Iseon said:
“It’s okay.”
“……”
“I’ll make an effort. Until you can believe me.”
“……”
“So give me just one chance. Let me stay by your side……”
Baek Iseon smiled gently and kissed the back of Jang Juwon’s hand.
“You’ll allow that, right?”
“Uh……”
There was no way he could refuse.
“……Do as you like.”
Baek Iseon imprisoned Jang Juwon in his arms once more. Jang Juwon raised his hands and hugged his waist tightly.
To be continued in the next volume
