On top of the anxiety that Father’s expectations might completely disappear if I failed to manifest, even if I chose the path of a sculptor with my stubbornness, I had no confidence that I could succeed and receive Father’s recognition since I had no talent. At least studying tended to show results if I did it, so I set my course toward the safe side, the side where I could receive Father’s recognition if I just did well as told.
Sculpture was the only thing I showed enthusiasm for in my lukewarm life, but it ended with only lingering attachment remaining—something that existed somewhere between reality avoidance and dreams. These days, having run away even from Father’s shadow and seeing a decent subject like Kwon Jukyung up close, my hands were truly itching, but anyway, it was something I’d let go of before it even became familiar to my hands.
What meaning would there be in starting again now, when even doing it for several hours a day for years wouldn’t have been enough? Even when I first started, I felt anxious because of my peers who were already far ahead. Now it’s too late to go anywhere or accomplish anything.
I turned my head, grabbed whatever pencils I saw, and left the art supply corner as is.
***
After arriving home and washing up completely, it was quite late. After drying my hair and going out, Jukyung stood in front of the door attached to the bedroom, wiggling his hand. Why not just say “come here” with words instead of doing that—it’s not like calling a dog. I was about to get quite irritated, but I forcibly swallowed the words trying to burst out. I hadn’t forgotten yet what the patron had bestowed throughout the day.
The place Jukyung led me into was a dressing room. Both the space for hanging clothes and the drawers for storing accessory items were completely empty. But befitting a space belonging to Jukyung’s house, it was spotless without a speck of dust, and whether he’d hidden a diffuser somewhere, a pleasant scent also floated around.
“Organize your clothes and things here. Don’t let them roll around just anywhere.”
I’m grateful that he’s granting me space to put my things, but.
“What about your clothes?”
“The dressing room attached to the bedroom is enough for me. This house also has too many useless spaces.”
Jukyung said indifferently. Since I couldn’t rummage through the house without an owner, I still didn’t know every corner of this not-even-spacious house’s structure. Still, if it’s a dressing room attached to the bedroom, it wouldn’t be very big.
Just the clothes I had during my study abroad period would have been more than enough to fill two dressing rooms this size. As expected, it seemed my speculation was correct that even though Jukyung likes luxury brands, he can’t afford to buy many. So maybe today he satisfied his shopping desires by buying my clothes instead. That money is what I’ll pay back anyway, so in the end it’s not like he’s spending his own money.
But what to do? I have no plans to return home, so I won’t be very affluent in the future either, and naturally he won’t be able to do proxy shopping freely.
When I looked at him with pitying eyes, Jukyung’s face twisted in displeasure.
“Why are you looking at me with those eyes?”
“Looking at you how?”
I rolled my eyes around, avoiding his gaze. Then what entered my eyes was the notebook-sized sketchbook and drawing pencils I bought on the way home today. I glanced at Kwon Jukyung from the corner of my eye.
“Can I draw?”
To change the topic and since I saw the sketchbook, I suddenly asked. Though it was late, it was still an awkward time to go to bed. At the abrupt words, Jukyung made a slightly surprised face.
“Huh? What, me?”
I nodded.
“You said before I could draw you.”
“Oh, y-yeah, right.”
Jukyung seemed somehow flustered. I could see his ears gradually heating up. Now that I see it, Kwon Jukyung’s ears turn red when he’s hot, but they also seem to turn red when something flustering happens. He had a somewhat cute side that didn’t suit him.
Jukyung swept his nape once with his large hand, then without even looking at me, just pointed at my things that were bought today with his hand.
“Well, okay. Before that, organize your things first and come out.”
Then he left the room just like that. I organized the things as told and, taking only the sketchbook and pencil, went back out to the living room. Jukyung was sitting on the sofa watching TV, but his upright sitting posture was strangely stiff.
I pulled out one dining chair and settled in a position where I could see Jukyung’s front view diagonally. Jukyung’s posture became even more unnatural when he saw me.
“Don’t pay attention to me and just do what you were doing. Your expression and posture are a bit awkward right now.”
“Mm…”
Jukyung uncrossed his legs and corrected his posture by crossing them the opposite way. Perhaps that was also uncomfortable, because before long he returned to the original posture.
Actually, even when recalling memories from Leroy, and the impression I got from watching Jukyung closely for the past few days, was that he was surprisingly quite static. Except when seriously exercising, he always had little movement. When lost in thought or reading a book, he had even less talking and movement than the average person, almost like a statue.
But why is he constantly fidgeting like that now? It’s not enough to greatly interfere with drawing, but he looked so uncomfortable that I became burdened instead. I sighed and lowered my sketchbook.
“Why?”
Perhaps bothered by my sigh, Jukyung immediately looked at me. I silently got up from my seat and went to get my phone. Then I captured Jukyung’s appearance from the same angle as when drawing.
“You’re taking a photo?”
“What?”
Click.
I took it first. If he says no, I can delete it. It’s saved on his phone anyway.
Looking at the photo taken, there was a face with eyes wide open looking at me. It was a bit funny. Looking at the disheveled hair from washing and wide-open eyes, the usual chilly atmosphere was nowhere to be found and he even felt cute.
I liked it, but since he probably wouldn’t like it much, I quickly saved it and prepared to take the next shot.
“Try being a bit more natural. In the pose you had before I was drawing. Your eyes look like a rabbit’s right now.”
He must not have liked being told he looked like a rabbit. As I pointed the camera lens again, his eyes frowned in displeasure.
Kek.
The photo taken this time looked like a sulking child. His cheeks even looked a bit swollen. I was about to laugh, but if I did, it was obvious my phone would be confiscated, so I hurriedly lowered my head and pretended to operate the phone.
I saved that photo separately too, and this time I resolved anew to take it properly.
“Hey, watch TV and think about something else. Don’t be conscious of the camera.”
“What do you mean conscious of the camera…”
Jukyung grumbled and turned his gaze back to the TV. Though he spoke as if displeased, he dutifully settled his posture and his expression became calm again as if truly absorbed in some other thought.
That’s right. Good expression. I took photos with a few clicks. At a glance it seemed like his usual indifferent face, but somehow it was a bit different. His eyes and the corners of his mouth seemed a bit softer. Maybe it was the lighting, but the tips of his ears seemed to have a slight flush.
“……”
As I looked, I strangely felt ticklish myself. I looked down at the photos taken, then lowered my hand and scratched my left chest roughly.
After taking several photos, I returned the chair to its place and settled down next to Jukyung. Jukyung continued watching TV in that state while I looked at the photos I’d taken and began to continue drawing.
I thought Jukyung would want to see the photos taken or the drawing, but he didn’t turn his gaze toward me even once. He might just not be interested, but I got the strange feeling he was embarrassed.
You bastard. When you have a shell that could be a model, why are you so uncomfortable? At least aren’t you used to people’s gazes? People stare so much when you pass by.
Like that, for a while the sound of the TV and each other’s breathing were heard, with the sound of a pencil scratching paper added to the space. Drawing Jukyung’s eyes, nose, mouth outline and adding shading, I was newly amazed at his face.
I knew he was handsome from before, but since it’s a man’s face anyway, I wasn’t very interested. But looking closely and touching like this, I even thought it’s too good to be Kwon Jukyung’s face—it’s a waste. The cool, cleanly falling lines were exactly my taste. No… I mean, I’m saying this from an artistic perspective. It’s not that there’s another meaning. Shouldn’t a face like this appear on a big screen and be widely known to the world to benefit people’s eyes?
Come to think of it, I thought even if that guy left home and became penniless like me, he’d have nothing to worry about. Even just sitting around doing nothing, there would be many women who’d support him, and he could quickly be picked up as a model or actor. Of course, seeing how he stiffens even at just a phone camera, it seems like it would be difficult to make it big as an entertainer.
“……”
But I’m okay with it. Even when a camera is pointed at me.
How about trying to become an entertainer? If it goes well, it seems like you can earn enough money to get by. Is starting at twenty-three too late? These days the atmosphere seems to be starting when you’re very young.
As I was spacing out having random thoughts, a cushion suddenly pushed my head.
“If you don’t want to draw, don’t. Don’t turn a perfectly fine human into a monster for no reason.”
Before I knew it, Jukyung was standing beside me with his arms crossed. Following Jukyung’s gaze filled with a pathetic expression, I also looked down at the sketchbook. Without realizing it, I’d fallen into random thoughts and was drawing meaningless lines and circles. Naturally, Jukyung’s half-drawn face was a mess.
“Uh, why did it turn out like this?”
