# Chapter 99
“Gasp!!”
After telling them to hang up quickly, I checked my smartphone to see nearly twenty missed calls from Sijin.
“Sijin!”
When I called, I heard his voice right away.
Unlike what I thought, his voice was so calm that I found it strange, and there was even a hint of laughter in it.
—I think Hyung is a person who causes incidents. No. You just needed to come here, what would happen in the meantime?
“Uh… you know too?”
—Yes. If you search your name now, a lot of posts come up. You probably didn’t have time to see those.
“Sijin. Where are you now? I was going to pick you up.”
—It’s okay. I’ll see you when I get there. I took a taxi. Not much left. Just pray that nothing else happens in the meantime. I’ll see you when I get to Seoul.
“Of course. Definitely. Where should I be? Should I wait at home?”
—Wouldn’t that be better?
Wouldn’t that be better?
It was nothing special, but my face flushed.
“Yes. Okay. Come safely.”
I hung up the phone politely as the taxi driver might hear.
And just as I got into the car, I received a call from Hyung.
—Seomin. Where are you now? Something serious has happened.
No. Don’t happen, serious thing.
No more serious things for today, please.
I felt like turning off my smartphone.
I even felt resentful towards the heavens.
“Hyung. Sijin is coming. He’s on his way. I was supposed to pick him up but I couldn’t, so he’s coming by taxi.”
—I know. That’s why I didn’t want to contact you, but you’re the only one who can move right now. No. There are people who can move, but no one who can handle the matter properly.
“No. It can’t be.”
I knew it was a futile thing to say.
If Hyung said so, then it was so.
Hyung’s assessments were always relatively accurate.
Just let there be another fight this time.
I won’t let that guy off easy.
No matter what, I never thought I wouldn’t get to see Sijin even once until he returned to base, but in the end, that impossible thing happened.
I called Sijin frequently because I felt sorry, and Sijin said not to worry about him and told me to eat well, which made me feel even more sorry.
Sijin spent most of his leave at the company, and in the midst of that, he seemed to have managed to have several meals with his mother.
Saying it was better without Hyung, he was considerate of my discomfort, and I felt like I had at least judged one person correctly.
—You seem to have nothing to do usually, but why are you so busy during my leave period?
As if he couldn’t believe that he wouldn’t get to see me until the very end, this was what Sijin said as he returned to base.
“I know, right? But when you’re discharged, I’ll turn off my smartphone and adjust to your schedule. I’ll even be there the day before.”
Sijin laughed and said there was no need to go that far, and I just waited for that day.
* * *
I wasn’t the only one who came to celebrate Sijin’s discharge.
Hundreds of people from Crop Five’s fan club gathered to congratulate Sijin on his discharge.
It was certainly something to be grateful for.
It was certainly something to be grateful for, but I felt a certain way about it.
Even though he was clearly my person, not being able to show it was what saddened me.
It was regrettable that in front of the numerous people there, I had to just pretend to be Sijin’s company CEO.
Sijin must have found me pitiful, as he often looked at me and smiled, which made me feel more sorry and depressed.
And as that longing piled up and finally seemed to burst, once we returned to our home together, I felt like I had completely turned into a beast.
It was hard to tell whether Sijin was more like that or I was.
“Wow, I really thought I was going crazy, Hyung. I told you not to look so pretty when I couldn’t do anything.”
“I told you to say I look handsome.”
After saying it, I remembered that we had bickered about this before.
Sijin must have thought the same as he looked at me and smiled.
“How did you endure it, Hyung?”
“I endured it with countless regrets. Thinking that from now on, I shouldn’t like someone who hasn’t completed military service.”
Sijin burst into laughter at those words.
Then he spent a long time looking at my face.
“What are you doing?”
“I’m looking at you, Hyung. I think I could do this all day. Not eating, not sleeping.”
“That would be a bit scary. If you keep looking at me with your eyes open, not sleeping.”
“I’ll watch you with the lights off. No, that won’t work because I won’t be able to see you then.”
Seeing him talk like that, it didn’t seem like he was just talking – he seemed to be thinking of actually doing it.
Sijin’s hand approached my face.
Looking into Sijin’s eyes, I was realizing that this was reality, not a dream.
“Your eyes are pretty. It’s hard to describe how much. So I wanted to see your eyes. This close. When I dreamed of you, I tried to see your eyes. But in dreams, the quality isn’t very good. That’s how I knew I was dreaming. If this were reality, I would be seeing Han Sijin’s eyes properly. That’s what I thought.”
Sijin seemed to find it sad that I had such thoughts.
“On days like that, I felt like I could cry. The sky seemed cloudy too. I thought it would be nice if it rained. Then I could get rained on and cry, pretending it was just because of the rain.”
“Wow. That’s totally like song lyrics, Hyung. It’s so touching. But knowing that you felt that way makes me feel bad.”
Then Sijin gently held my head.
I savored the moment with my head resting on his chest.
I seemed to feel a more complete satisfaction in this moment than in becoming one with him physically.
“Really. I don’t know how I endured it. If I were told to wait for you like this again, I don’t think I could do it. It might be better to enlist together.”
Sijin laughed saying that was nonsense, but seeing that I wasn’t laughing, he asked several times if I was being serious.
“Wow… I… wouldn’t go that far.”
I glared at him with wide eyes, and Sijin laughed.
“Really?”
“No. That’s a lie. I would. Actually, when I had to return to base without seeing you after my leave, I pretended to be okay, but it was really tough. I was so angry that I screamed like crazy when I was alone.”
“You did?”
I didn’t know that.
I had believed his pretense that he was okay.
“I understood the situation completely, but I also thought it would have been better if you were a little less outstanding… It made me jealous that people naturally think of you in difficult moments. I wanted to ask what I should do, but I wasn’t in a position to say that. Thinking about it, why was I so pitiful?”
“It’s strange. That you would think that way.”
“Why? It’s only natural. Even if others don’t know, you should know, isn’t it too irresponsible of you?”
With a chuckle, he folded his arms, rested his head on them, and quietly looked at me.
“I can’t believe someone like you would say that. I should be the one saying that.”
“I always want you to misunderstand like that. And believe that no one in the world would like you if not for me.”
Then he laughed again.
“It could have worked out well, but our members ruined it.”
Yeah. Because of Crop Five.
I laughed as I recalled the first time I met Crop Five and what happened between them, and Sijin sighed.
“Look at you laughing after driving a nail into someone else’s heart. Looking so pretty. Really mean, I tell you.”
“You’re being ridiculous.”
I took a similar posture to his and looked at Sijin.
“Sijin. Did I tell you?”
“Tell me what?”
“That I love you.”
“……”
He looked at me silently for a moment, then soon smiled.
“Thank you, Hyung. I’m lucky. To hear these words from someone like you.”
“I’m the lucky one. That day. What would have happened to me if I hadn’t seen you? What would have happened to me if I hadn’t watched that funny survival program you were on?”
“Still, I think you would have lived well, Hyung? I was the problem. If you hadn’t noticed me back then, I would have had a life with no answers.”
“I don’t think so. You’re someone who can’t help but shine wherever you are. Anyone would have recognized you. You’re a star.”
“Your star.”
He smiled and cupped my cheek.
When we could no longer endure just looking at each other and talking.
I embraced him.
For a long time, enough to be engraved in him.
* * *
For two days, we didn’t step outside the house once, and when calls came from the company, I answered with a voice that sounded like I was dying.
I wasn’t particularly pretending to be sick.
I really was sick.
My voice was completely dry and cracked, and it was uncomfortable to move.
Saying it like this makes it sound like I had a serious illness, but the cause was, of course, Han Sijin.
Sijin relieved the pent-up feelings from not being able to meet all that time, and I couldn’t stop him.
Come to think of it, it was always the same pattern – at the moment when I should have stopped him, I seemed to be encouraging him instead.
When that happened, the predetermined result was obvious.
