Wookyung, who’d received the baby in his arms, stared piercingly at the child’s face for a moment.
“That’s right. …Appa, it’s Appa. Dokyung-ah.”
“Appa. Hi, hiii.”
“…Yes, Dokyung-ah…”
Wookyung made a choked sound. Just this morning, he’d been urging with a laughing tone, “Say samchon.” With an affectionate gaze looking at Dokyung, he brushed Dokyung’s bangs with trembling fingers.
“Appa, it’s Appa… that’s right. You were right… I, I’m sorry, Dokyung-ah…”
Like someone whose soul had left, Wookyung muttered endlessly like that. Like someone who only knew how to say those words. Appa, that’s right, you were right, I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you… He was doing his utmost, lest the enormous sadness he was chewing on until his molars might break suddenly burst out.
And Ido was the same.
He who was holding Dokyung was right next to him.
That sight was shaking Ido’s heart miserably.
In Wookyung’s arms, Dokyung was chattering innocently about something. Though he was originally a child who wasn’t shy with strangers, the way Dokyung was nestled now was exactly as if he knew this was his father. His heart pounded shamelessly, watching Wookyung standing next to him, holding the child with one hand and supporting his forearm with the other.
He coveted it to the point his heart hurt. Because the scene he’d been secretly drawing in his heart ever since giving birth to Dokyung was really before his eyes, his chest ached so achingly it tingled.
“Dokyung-ah, shall we ride in the car?”
He grabbed Wookyung’s forearm as he naturally tried to put Dokyung in his car. When their eyes met as he held the door, Ido slowly shook his head.
Even as he tried to pretend not to notice his tearfully warm kindness, the face of one person he’d seen on Yoonkyung’s dining table last time kept rising in his heart. The face of some omega that Wookyung’s parents had sent, with the hope that he would become his match.
His face was, in a word, blessed. It was a face adults would like. A face that clearly showed he’d been raised receiving abundant affection in a harmonious family, not knowing what hardship was. There wasn’t a speck of dust on his brightly smiling face. Unlike someone like him who’d gone through harsh years, there was no shadow that usually hung over such faces either.
Anyone could see that the current Choi Wookyung suited that person better. Rather than someone like him whose only possessions were a broken body and a child in tow.
Just because he wanted to keep seeing the fairy tale scene he’d wanted to see, he couldn’t covet what belonged to someone else. Because that would be a bad thing. Even if Wookyung didn’t love that person yet, it was all too obvious which of the two—him or that person—would be beneficial for his future if he chose.
Just because he coveted this person, he couldn’t carelessly rob him of the stable everyday life he could enjoy in the future. Though he resented his absence during the time he’d struggled, he didn’t want Wookyung to suffer as retaliation for that. He didn’t want him to give up what he could rightfully have and choose him either. If he did, how long could Wookyung’s gaze toward him remain warm?
However, even while watching Ido stubbornly shake his head, he didn’t sigh even once. Instead, he whispered while looking at Ido with caring and earnest eyes.
“If my place is uncomfortable, let’s go to your place. I’ll just take you there. Okay?”
“……”
“It’s cold. Ido-ya, you’ll catch a cold… Dokyung too.”
Just then, Dokyung went “achoo!” and sneezed. Watching them work together as if they’d planned it, Ido let out a small sigh. His place wasn’t that far anyway, so maybe he should shamelessly extend his hand just until there.
Taking advantage of Ido’s hesitation, Wookyung naturally pushed Ido into the back seat and sat Dokyung on his lap. From Wookyung heading to the front seat, he heard a voice muttering, “I need to install a car seat right away.”
“I’ll start driving. Can you write down where?”
Even while idling, the spacious and comfortable car interior was quiet. Perhaps drowsy from the warm heater, Dokyung pointed at a bird outside the car window saying “Birdie. Birdie,” while yawning long. Ido hesitated a bit before writing down the address of a convenience store at a nearby alley corner instead of his home address and holding it out. Despite it clearly not being a home address, Wookyung departed without a word.
The car stopped soon. From the daycare to home wasn’t that far a distance. The moment they arrived precisely in front of the convenience store, Ido opened the car door without hesitation. Wookyung also quickly got out of the driver’s seat and received Dokyung in his arms first.
“Where’s your home? I’ll just carry him there.”
Ido shook his head. From here on, really not anymore. Ido showed him his phone, meaning he’d contact him later, then reached out his hands to receive Dokyung back. And put him down on the ground and held his hand.
“…Ido-ya.”
Even at the call from behind, Ido didn’t look back. He just silently walked looking ahead. Only Dokyung looked back and innocently waved his hand saying “Bye-bye!” The person left alone behind showed no sign of moving his feet while Ido walked until a rusted and peeling blue gate appeared around the alley corner. Receiving a send-off that felt heavy and gloomy, Ido opened the gate with a creak.
Having arrived inside the house and put down the bag, Ido first turned on the boiler. He busily moved his body while listening to innocent babbling. When he turned on the faucet, ice-cold water came out. It was water so cold he wondered if the faucet was directly connected to the North Pole. Sitting crouched down patiently and waiting, hot water finally started coming out. Instead of increasing in temperature, the stream of water that had been pouring out had drastically reduced its thickness.
‘Dokyung-ah, let’s wash up.’ Saying this in his heart, Ido took off Dokyung’s clothes. He felt sorry for undressing the child in the chilly air, but there was no choice. Instead, he undressed him as quickly as possible and gathered the warm water trickling out to pour over the child’s body. One basinful of water he’d diligently gathered disappeared futilely.
“Cold. Cold.”
Dokyung complained while shivering. Seeing even his lower lip trembling, his heart became urgent. Ido hurriedly took off his top and threw it aside, then wrapped the child in his arms. When their hot bare skin touched, Dokyung’s complaints stopped as if things were better. Though the places with scratches stung when water got in, what was urgent now was making sure Dokyung wasn’t cold. He made a vow once more that next month when he got income, he must buy a heater for the bathroom first. The one he’d been using had broken just last week.
In the meantime, he carefully scooped up warm water that had filled a basin and applied it to the child, washing mainly his hands, feet, and face. It seemed impossible to squeeze out body wash and apply it all over and rinse it. He worried he might catch a cold at this rate. Thinking he should just take him to a public bath tomorrow, Ido finished the short bath.
After generously applying lotion to the child, with urgent gestures he rummaged through the drawer. He took out the sturdy, thick thermal underwear Wookyung had bought for him last time and put it on him. On the quilted underwear was drawn the fire truck pattern Dokyung loved most. When Ido smiled slightly and pointed at the fire truck, Dokyung looked down at his round belly and smiled brightly. And went “Wee-woo! Wee-woo!” clapping his hands.
“Food. Food.”
After sitting on the floor and playing with the fire truck for a while, Dokyung, feeling hungry, threw the fire truck and ran over whining. Ido, who was cleaning up the traces thrown about from bathing and washing the meal tray brought from daycare, nodded.
Opening the refrigerator, Ido sighed. It was at a disastrous level. For the past few days, both his body and mind had become quite desolate, and since Dokyung ate three meals a day outside and came back, he’d barely paid attention to food.
The inside of the refrigerator was almost completely empty. At most, one egg, two side dishes of pickled vegetables, and half an onion—that was all. The one apple that was there was spoiled. The rest of the small things stuck around were types he couldn’t feed Dokyung anyway.
With this, he couldn’t make anything. Thinking he’d at least make egg rice, he picked up the egg and sticky liquid oozed from underneath. Looking, the bottom of the egg was slightly cracked. Sighing once more, Ido threw away the egg.
First, he had to go out to shop. He brought a thick down jacket to put on Dokyung, and he himself roughly threw on a jumper. It was the moment he opened the gate crossing the yard after putting on cute fur boots.
“Uh…”
A familiar figure flinched in surprise and drew back his body slightly. A rustling sound rang out loudly.
“…Where are you going? Ido-ya.”
Surprisingly, the person standing in front of the gate was Wookyung. Judging by how he couldn’t say anything and just stood there awkwardly, he seemed really surprised.
Ido was equally surprised. He looked up at him with round eyes. Next, his eyes went to the bags held in both his hands. The rustling volume-based garbage bags were filled to bursting with many things.
Perhaps flustered, Wookyung stammered out words like an excuse.
“This… I just bought it. For you to make for dinner…”
“……”
“Don’t feel burdened, just… while I was shopping, I just bought it. To give you this… I was going to leave it in front of the door for a moment and contact you, but you suddenly came out…”
He seemed to have seen him enter the house earlier. That’s why he naturally found his way to the house like this. Ido silently looked at the tall man standing imposingly before him. The fingers holding bags full of food in both hands had turned white. The drooping bags looked very heavy.
“This is really heavy, so I’ll carry it inside for you…”
However, Ido blocked the gate and shook his head firmly. The shabby reality he showed him—the peeling paint on the gate alone was enough. If he saw inside the house, he’d probably be quite shocked. He didn’t want to show that he was living miserably struggling with a child in such a squalid place. Ridiculous though it was, it was the last pride remaining to him.
Blocked by Ido, Wookyung looked between the gate and Ido for a moment, then lowered his head slightly. Seeing that he didn’t insist on going in, he seemed to have quickly caught on to the situation.
“…Okay. Going inside is a bit, that, right.”
“……”
“Then I’d be happy if you’d just accept this. Just this… take it inside. It’s quite heavy, so be careful carrying it.”
Inside the bag, even at a glance, were enough ingredients for several adult men to eat. Meat, fish, fresh vegetables, and several kinds of fruit were visible at a glance.
After hesitating for a moment, Ido bowed his head then accepted the bags. Even if he refused, this was a person who would leave them in front of the door. And what was the point of being prideful about precious ingredients? He’d already paid expensive money for them. Everything in the bags was precious ingredients that would become blood and flesh if fed to Dokyung.
