Even past thirty, talking about high school days was enjoyable. As revenge for the assessment that I held grudges, I listed Seong-jin’s misdeeds. During the freshman field trip, stealing a friend’s kimbap and replacing it with frogs and grasshoppers had become a school legend.
As we were giggling and laughing like that, a text message arrived.
“What text makes your face scrunch up like that?”
When my face contorted as I checked the text, Seong-jin asked what it was.
“There’s going to be a college reunion.”
“Didn’t you say it wasn’t good? Are you going?”
I ended up with a pile of debt after investing in a college classmate’s business that failed. And my ex-girlfriend, a college junior I’d even promised marriage to, got married to another man 9 months ago. Knowing my circumstances that prevented me from attending reunions with a good face, Seong-jin still had no way of speaking indirectly. That was Seong-jin’s personality.
Still, I didn’t dislike him for it. Because this was my problem.
“I won’t go. I wouldn’t hear anything good anyway.”
I didn’t care what people said where I couldn’t see, but I hated receiving sidelong glances and insincere consolation. Therefore, there was no hesitation in deciding not to go to the reunion.
Instead, feeling a bit stifled was unavoidable.
“Good thinking. You’d just get upset if you went. Let’s do a high school reunion later instead. I heard Jinhyung is going to set a time, urgh…”
“Huh? What’s wrong?”
“No, my stomach suddenly hurts.”
“Does it hurt a lot?”
“I’m fine. It just stung a bit.”
“Should we go to the hospital?”
“For this much? Come on, come on, let’s shake off the gloomy mood. Come on, drink.”
Seong-jin switched the atmosphere with his characteristic cheerfulness, urging me to drink. Since I was feeling gloomy, I readily emptied my glass and filled it with alcohol again.
I had to go to the airport tomorrow to greet the VIP, but it was happening in the afternoon anyway. Since Seong-jin was willing to treat me with his heavy wallet, I decided to get drunk for the first time in a while.
***
After finishing drinks that went to a second round, I returned to my goshiwon past midnight. Due to the nature of goshiwon, I couldn’t make loud noises late at night. I changed clothes, barely washed my face, and lay down. But despite drinking quite a bit, sleep didn’t come easily. After tossing and turning several times, I eventually turned on the light and got up.
Sitting on the hard bed, I slowly looked around the small 2-pyeong room fully exposed under the incandescent light and sighed. Though I’d told Seong-jin I was fine, my heart was unsettled by the news of the reunion.
My relationships in college were ordinary. I attended events, even wore the small hat of class representative, looked after my classmates, and paid attention to senior-junior relationships, so I ended up with people I got along with reasonably well.
It was by chance that I came to invest money in the business of Choi Namsu, a classmate I’d stayed in contact with even after graduation through a TOEIC-related club we’d been active in within the department. The IT boom was happening at the time and it seemed to have vision too. I thought it was a high-risk fund where if it went well it would be a jackpot, and if it didn’t, losing about 20 million won wouldn’t matter, so I didn’t worry much about it.
The business flourished to the point where we even received dividends at one time, but it eventually closed due to reckless expansion. That was a year ago. Four of us—me, other classmates and seniors—each lost 30 million won into thin air. If it had been just that, I could have thought of it as a painful life experience and moved on. Since we’d received quite a bit in dividends, it couldn’t be called a huge loss.
However, when the company’s financial situation worsened, Namsu had listed the four of us who had been simple investors as guarantors without our consent. The money borrowed from the bank totaled 1.22 billion won. Of that, what I had to repay was a whopping 360 million won. The only fortunate thing was that it wasn’t from loan sharks.
Because of that incident, Namsu, who became someone who deserved to die, just disappeared. When money problems got entangled, relationships also became a muddy mess. Because none of the four could easily handle a debt exceeding 300 million won.
And during that time, I broke up with Huijeong. Though we’d even talked about marriage, her reason was that she couldn’t dream of a future with a man burdened with debt.
“Haah.”
With a stifled heart, I let out a long sigh.
After my father passed away, my relationship with my stepmother became strained due to inheritance issues, so I gave up all inheritance and became independent. It was after getting hired at the Bureau, and since I didn’t live extravagantly, I never thought money problems would arise.
To repay the debt of 360 million won, I broke my savings, withdrew my jeonse deposit, and moved to this 1.5-pyeong goshiwon without windows. Rooms with windows cost 30,000 won more than rooms without them. I still had over 200 million won in debt remaining, and most of my salary went to paying bank interest and principal. Because even 10 won was precious, I gave up the window.
Life in a goshiwon without a bathroom, where I had to share toilets and kitchens communally, was harsh. Especially the small square room with no light felt like a coffin. When I came back from work, turned off the lights to sleep, and lay down, I was seized by depression.
After about 3 months, my insomnia became severe. Only when I reached the point where I couldn’t sleep without sleeping pills did I realize it was dangerous. Eventually, I paid an extra 30,000 won and moved to a room with a window. No sunlight came through the tiny north-facing window that not even a person’s face could pass through. But just being able to see the dull gray sky cured the insomnia.
I stared blankly at the small window with neon sign lights shining through.
It wasn’t painful or distressing. Living was somewhat hard, but they say suffering when young is worth buying, so it wasn’t unbearable.
I’d lived ordinarily. Though I didn’t grow up in a harmonious family receiving my parents’ love, I think I turned out well enough considering. I studied hard and got a stable job. I could pay off all the debt if I just struggled for 2 more years. Without doing anything foolish, I’d save money bit by bit, maybe go on blind dates and get married, have children and start a family.
Everyone lives like that. My life won’t be much different.
I have no complaints about being ordinary. Exercise for health, renew my TOEIC, and once I escape financial difficulties, learn the cello which had been my dream. While working hard to live without being ashamed of myself, everyday dramas happen. And I know that enjoying them is what happiness is.
Meeting someone to love and marry, having children, becoming a wonderful husband and good father—that had been my dream since childhood. Even I thought it was modest.
But still, sometimes I wondered if it was okay to live like this. When there are so many things in the world, why am I stuck in such a narrow place?
According to the counselor, it was mild depression, and many modern people had the same concerns as me, so I shouldn’t worry. But still, when I thought and thought about it, I became endlessly shabby.
Breaking up with someone I loved because of money, why am I alone and lonely like this? Could my modest dreams come true?
“Ah, seriously.”
This is what happens when I drink.
I shook my head vigorously to come to my senses. It wasn’t that I was weak with alcohol, but I sometimes became sentimental.
It’s the worst when the ex-girlfriend comes to mind too.
“Ugh.”
Comforting myself that living is nothing special, that living hard is great, then even disliking that and letting out a small shout before turning off the light. Pitch-black darkness instantly enveloped me. Light from the neon sign flowed in through the window, making the outline of the room visible.
North-facing, small in size, with a love hotel right in front so the neon sign light didn’t turn off until late at night, but it was a very precious window to me. Though I’d paid an extra 30,000 won, I thought it was good that I’d moved as I lay down on the small bed.
When I opened my eyes, today, no different from yesterday, would repeat.
Still, at least for this moment, I dream of escaping through that window and flying up to the sky.
* * *
Letting out a sigh—I didn’t know how many times—I looked around the arrival gate and its surroundings. The plane had already arrived. However, Seong-jin, whom I was waiting for, was nowhere to be seen.
Don’t tell me this guy had an accident too.
According to plan, the Russian Embassy staff member and Seong-jin should have been by my side. But even though the appointed time had passed, neither was here. The Russian Embassy staff member had been in an accident on the highway to the airport, sliding on the wet road, and was taken to the hospital. With my anxious heart at this bolt from the blue news, I waited for Seong-jin, but he remained unreachable.
I had an ominous feeling that I might have to greet the VIP alone. The worst-case scenario of having to stammer alone in explanation to the Grand Duke’s heir who spoke Russian was drawn in my head. Cold sweat broke out naturally.
Seong-jin-ah. Even if you’re late, please just show up.
As I was praying like that, the phone I was holding in my hand vibrated. It was Department Head Kim Cheol-jin.
“Yes. Department Head. This is Lee Unhyuk. Did you get in contact with Choi Seong-jin-ssi?”
—He’s in surgery for appendicitis.
“What?!”
—It seems to have burst on the way to the airport.
“What do you… mean…”
What bad luck. Why do things happen on the way to the airport? No, then.
“D-Department Head. Then does that mean Seong-jin, no, Choi Seong-jin-ssi can’t come either?”
poor MC
also shocked that the debt isn’t from a gambling drug addict father.