Throughout his life, Hyedam had never regretted the decisions he’d made. At that moment in time, it had been the best choice, and regretting something that had already passed wouldn’t change reality. And as a result of those choices, he was living the present, and he had no particular complaints about his current life.
He’d lived quite a long time with this mindset, but right now, he was regretting his decision from just a few hours ago.
Right. This bastard was originally like this.
How well humans, the animals of forgetfulness, forget things with such ease.
But there are things you should forget and things you shouldn’t. How could you forget this?
The feeling that this was too much, which had been directed at Leo at first, was now directed at his own forgetful brain.
Along with the sound of splashing water, his shoulders and back became warm, but Hyedam only barely opened and closed his eyes while completely draining all the strength from his body, deeply embraced in Leo’s arms.
The pleasure that had been rushing for hours, the intense breathing, the moments filled only with himself and Leo subsided, and what remained was comfort and languidness.
“Are you sleeping?”
At Leo’s action of moving his body to sink a bit more into the water, seemingly concerned about his exposed shoulders and back, Hyedam only made a small sound full of complaint.
Don’t move.
It was a complaint about the dull ache rising from below.
“I know you’re not sleeping.”
Yeah. If you know, that’s enough. Don’t make me talk.
If you just don’t make me talk, I think I could stay like this and fall asleep just like this.
“So I was going to wash up and get out, but our pathetic fool……”
Oh my. Look at this bastard clinging to me after I let it slide. You were going to wash up and get out?
Does someone like that touch here and there, knead, and put his mouth on things?
If so, you should’ve just done it in the shower booth and ended it there, or after going to the bed, you said you’d wash me but does it make sense to do this even here?
Do you realize I’m older than you? Do you even know the stamina difference between you and me?
When did I say not to do it? When did I say to stop? Why doesn’t “let’s rest and do it” register in your head? I’d rather die than suffer like this.
Knowing that even if he brought out all the thoughts spinning round and round in his head and the words rising up moment by moment, he couldn’t beat Leo who slipped away so well from everything, Hyedam maintained thorough ignorance.
White snow was falling outside the large window. The snow fluttered and danced over the deeply fallen darkness, and the faint sound of classical music and splashing water filled the space—was he really planning to put him to sleep?
Between that, listening to Leo’s voice seeping in low intermittently, Hyedam was caught up in a whirlwind of emotions that rose and fell as if constantly riding a roller coaster.
“Hyedam-ah.”
“Yeah.”
At Leo’s call after being in silence for a while, a small sound flowed out without him realizing it.
“Happy New Year.”
Was there a clock here? It does seem like about that time. Just this afternoon, he’d planned to welcome the New Year by lying comfortably on his home sofa, eating chimaek, and watching the bell ring on TV. But now he was in Jeju Island, being held while embracing him in a jacuzzi with warm water bubbling up.
“Happy New Year to you too.”
The low voice was rough and bumpy unlike usual, but after conveying his meaning, Hyedam tightly shut his eyes.
Rough and bumpy thoughts toward him surged inside, but he knew better than anyone what emotion lay beneath them. That’s why he was doing this even now. But Leo, my fingers have all gotten wrinkly. Can’t we really get out now? I really feel like I’m going to become a squid soaked in water.
As expected, the end of many thoughts he couldn’t convey to him was sleep rushing over.
* * *
“Leo.”
“Hm?”
“Should we have a conversation?”
“Do you need something? Coffee is brewing right now so wait just a bit. Are you uncomfortable there? Should I move you somewhere else?”
Hyedam, who was sitting on the wide sofa wrapped up in soft, fluffy blankets, looked at Leo washing his hands at the sink and approaching him.
His hair was still damp, wearing comfortable cotton pants and a loose knit. Having just washed up and busily preparing food—whether breakfast or lunch, he couldn’t tell—his face seemed to glow.
“No. What I need is clothes.”
“Why?”
“Isn’t wearing basic clothing while living in a civilized society basic common sense for humans?”
“You said you’re sore from being rubbed all over. Plus, you’re going to take them off anyway, so why put them on?”
“Then why are you wearing them!”
“Ah, so you wanted me to take them off too. I thought……”
Before a proper conversation could take place, toward Leo who was taking off his knit in one motion to reveal his fine upper body, Hyedam ended up shouting, “Hey! You crazy bastard.”
“……”
Leo, who had carelessly let the knit drop to the floor while putting his hand on his pants at the same time, stiffened rigidly.
“Who told you to take them off! Put them on! You wear them too, and I’ll wear them too. Let’s live wearing clothes!”
His eyes widening at the scratched wounds here and there on Leo’s upper body was brief before Hyedam turned his head sharply, his ears turning deeply red.
“So I wear them, and our pathetic fool is naked. That’s the most ideal situation.”
Leo, who was grumbling and picking up the knit to put it back on, had already approached and bent his knees to match eye level.
“Bring me orange juice.”
“Orange juice? You said you’d drink coffee.”
“Orange juice and salad with ricotta cheese, make the bacon there crispy. Bread should be rye bread. Jam should be marmalade type, if there’s no orange juice, pineapple juice is fine too.”
Hyedam, who firmly closed the blanket end with his fingertips to show his intention not to give Leo any opening, said all the foods that came to mind.
“It’ll take some time, should I give you coffee first?”
Even at Leo’s delicate actions of sweeping back his disheveled hair and kissing his cheek, he didn’t turn his head.
“I’ll wait.”
Then he lay down next to the sofa and looked at the plush carpet. Hyedam’s dimple deepened more than usual as he heard the presence of Leo getting up and heading to the kitchen. These words and actions were all a first.
On one hand, he worried if this was okay, but they came from the belief that it would be okay with Leo. Should it be called acting spoiled, or throwing a tantrum? It was childlike behavior he hadn’t been able to do until now. Will he accept me even if I’m like this? Even like this? A sigh flowed out at his own pathetic behavior that seemed to keep testing him.
If Leo, who had been preparing French toast, coffee, and berry-type jam, were to prepare the things he’d just mentioned, it would obviously be troublesome and annoying. But Leo didn’t complain, and contrary to him acting affectionately, he was ticking away or reacting negatively to his touches.
What’s the big deal about food? What about clothes? I can just go around a bit naked, and just wrap myself roughly in a blanket like this. As Leo said, in some places on his skin that had become mottled with color, even the soft blanket brushing against them stung. Leo was the one who caused it, but he was an accomplice for letting him make it like this.
“Let’s just eat toast and coffee.”
Hyedam, who had raised his lying body, lowered his legs under the sofa and put on slippers.
“I’ll make it quickly. It’s not like we don’t have ingredients.”
“It’s annoying. The coffee is already done, we just need to lightly cook the toast.”
Hyedam, who entered the kitchen dragging the blanket, checked the bread soaking in egg wash and opened the sink drawer to find a frying pan.
“You seem to listen well but subtly don’t listen. I told you to rest on the bed, but you insisted on following me out, I told you to sit on the sofa and wait, but you ended up coming into the kitchen?”
After confirming that only dishes were inside and about to open the next drawer, Hyedam couldn’t move freely because of Leo hugging him from behind.
“If we do it together, it’ll end quickly. And I’m doing everything you ask me to do. You could just say to eat what I’m making.”
“Everything.”
“What?”
Hyedam, who had been trying to shake off Leo clinging from behind by moving his shoulders and arms, asked back because he didn’t properly understand what Leo was saying.
“I said everything. Because our pathetic fool is my everything, from now on let’s not say things like that. Whether I have to remake it several times or go far to buy it, don’t think about those things, and you can say anything—what you want to eat, what you want to do, what you want to have. If you’re angry, you can be angry, if you don’t like something, say you don’t like it. Don’t think about me, only think about our pathetic fool.”
“How can I do that?”
At Leo’s words, Hyedam had to suppress the emotion rising up.
“Because you can. Things you can’t do to other people, you can do them all to me. Whatever it is. Because I do as I please too.”
As soon as the words ended, at the action of picking him up, Hyedam shouted “Hey!” but what came back was Leo’s laughter. Making the entry into the kitchen pointless, Hyedam, who was once again seated on the sofa where sunlight streamed in well, had to give up trying to get up at Leo’s words following him: “Just try coming into the kitchen. I’ll make it so you can’t get up for days, you know what I’m saying isn’t an empty threat, right?”
And shortly after.
“But this seems a bit not right.”
“Why?”
“I have hands too.”
“Well, if you really insist…… But what will you do about the blanket?”
“That’s why I asked for a robe at least. Not salad, bread.”
Hyedam, who had been conveying his intention to let go of the blanket and eat with utensils himself, eventually bent his opinion and received the foods Leo gave him like a baby bird.
