His dark-colored jacket and Leo’s might be fine, but his own white shirt had dark stains on it. As he felt the chill from the wet area, Hyedam let out a long sigh.
“Why are you angry?”
He thought Leo would obediently step back, but instead he blocked his way and looked down at him, asking cautiously in a deflated voice—seeing this made the stuffiness filling his chest multiply several times over. He wasn’t sure if Leo was trying to grab the clothes or grab him, but he twisted his body slightly to avoid the hand reaching toward him.
“Team Leader.”
“Leo.”
It was the first time he’d seen him this drunk. Why did his eyes look droopy, and why did the shoulders he always held up confidently seem hunched? The image of countryside dogs being scolded in front of their grandmothers overlapped with him.
Those big dogs that could easily overpower the small, frail grandmothers if they used strength or instinct would stay docile only when being scolded. He didn’t know if they understood why they were being scolded, but they would slightly lower their heads, blinking their big eyes while watching the angry grandmother’s mood. Every time the grandmother snapped, they’d whine and make sounds as if they were reflecting.
When the nagging seemed to drag on, they’d sneakily touch the grandmother’s toes with their front paw to convey that they wanted forgiveness. When the softhearted grandmothers would stop scolding with a sigh or a hollow laugh, they’d wag their tails joyfully as if they’d gained everything in the world and burrow into the grandmother’s embrace.
Occasionally there were dogs that would sulk and hole up in a corner for a while, but most would return to their usual energetic selves. And before too long, they’d commit the same offense and be caught and made to sit before the grandmother again.
But why did that puppy image overlap with him? The hand that had been reaching toward him just now had stopped awkwardly in midair.
“Team Leader!”
Unable to bear the endless, vague frustration, Hyedam burst out shouting. He already knew where this frustration started. But there was no proper way to resolve it. What would change if he brought up the past and told him that he and Leo had that kind of history together?
Getting snowed on, getting hit in the belly—both then and now, the same things were repeating in strange ways. Living like this, within a few years Leo would go off to England for reasons like promotion or headquarters assignment. Leaving him behind, of course. That’s how it would be—he would be the one left behind, and Leo would be the one who left.
He would spend another several years spinning around, trapped in that moment or the past, while Leo would live well just as he did now. Things were already complicated enough, and when he thought of Leo’s parents whom he’d just met, everything went dark before his eyes.
How was he supposed to clear up that person’s misunderstanding? We’re just enjoying ourselves, nothing more. Did he have to say something like that?
“My name is Leo Lewis.”
“I know.”
If he’d known this would happen, he would have drunk until he was completely wasted. Enough that he wouldn’t know what he was saying, like the current Leo. Then he wouldn’t have been this distressed.
“Why won’t you call me by my name?”
“I just called you Team Leader.”
“That’s a title, not a name. You can call me by my name.”
“Why should I?”
It was a way of speaking he wouldn’t normally use. Whether you remember or not, do as you please. It would end if he just told him he was too drunk to remember properly. Exchanging words that didn’t even feel like a conversation, Hyedam patted Leo’s jacket with his hands. Shouldn’t expensive clothes made of good material have water-repellent properties?
“Hyedam-ah.”
At the voice calling his name affectionately in a low tone, Hyedam pressed his lips tightly shut. He’d gone from a handsome young boy to a fine alpha and returned. The soft lines had become bold, and his height, build, and gaze had all changed. Sometimes he wondered if this was really the Ondal he knew.
But in this moment, the one calling his name was Ondal.
“Lee Hyedam.”
Just live as Leo in this love-hate relationship like now. Don’t bring back the Ondal I’d buried well in my memories.
When he didn’t answer, Leo called his name again.
“What.”
He thrust the jacket toward him—the moisture had already soaked in completely, neither seeping out nor brushing off.
“I think I’ve done a lot wrong to you. But I don’t know what it is. I’ve felt strange since the moment I first saw you, and I really don’t know why.”
Since Leo wasn’t taking the offered jacket and was just mumbling nonsense, Hyedam took a step closer to him. Would anything stay in his head even if he discussed life and fate with a drunk? Forget talking. Instead, since he didn’t want to hear things like catching a cold because of him, it seemed putting the jacket on him should come first.
“So that’s why I’m Ondal. Stupid Ondal.”
Babo Ondal.
Hyedam grabbed Leo’s hand and slipped one sleeve on.
“It’s you, isn’t it?”
Knowing they were each saying different things, Hyedam didn’t even answer. In the silence, he finished putting the jacket on Leo, who stood docilely, then stepped back a few paces from him.
“Team Leader, let’s stop playing word games and go. You said they’re setting off fireworks in the front garden at 12. Let’s go there and shout Merry Christmas & Happy New Year together, then I’ll be going home, so please keep that in mind.”
“Lee Hyedam. It’s you.”
“Yes. Yes. Lee Hyedam. Right here.”
After checking his own appearance, Hyedam neatly buttoned up his jacket once the stains were somewhat hidden, though awkwardly. It was obvious that the eyes of people already caught up in the party spirit wouldn’t notice his stains.
Instead of letting his ugly emotions burst out and spilling all the words inside him, Hyedam brought in reason and pressed down those feelings firmly, then raised one hand to smooth back his windblown hair. Hyedam passed by Leo, who was blocking his path like a wooden statue, and headed straight for the front garden. Follow or stay, do as you please.
His intention to pass by Leo and go elsewhere didn’t reach him. Caught by the wrist by Leo, Hyedam stopped walking and turned only his head slightly to look at him.
What now. What more do you want to do here.
It’s not that I don’t know you like me, but I can’t accept it.
I do like you too, but setting everything aside—you like me? I like you! Let’s live happily ever after—things like that don’t form in my head, so what am I supposed to do?
What your mother just said didn’t touch my heart, so what do you want me to do?
The thing that stuck with me most from what she said was that she couldn’t speak carelessly, that she had to give up alone, that she had to let go—just those words. You say everyone’s life is the same? A caterpillar should eat pine needles. If it eats caviar because it’s delicious, it’ll die.
I know we can’t maintain this ambiguous situation forever, but I don’t know what to do.
If this were a movie or drama, in a situation like this I’d give up everything, leave you, and live somewhere with my name and traces erased. But what good would that do? Living like that, suffering, we’d somehow meet again in a few weeks at shortest or a few years at longest. And then it’d be a happy ending.
But we’ve already done that ridiculous thing once. You just don’t remember. Anyway, I’m just an adult who can’t believe in endings like children’s fairy tales where the prince and princess meet again and live happily ever after for the rest of their lives.
Live happily ever after my ass. You think the princess didn’t suffer from in-law troubles? Was that princess perhaps infertile or having difficulty conceiving? Did she give birth to a prince right away and live well? Do you think the common people followed a queen of common birth well? Did the ministers there not have factional fights or things like that? Didn’t some more beautiful and kind noblewoman come in as a concubine, push that princess to the back room, and become the real power? That’s reality.
“Leo Lewis.”
“The person who called me Ondal—that was you.”
The moment Hyedam called his full name for the first time overlapped with Leo’s words. And the words that left their mouths were drowned out by the loud fireworks that burst at the same time.
Hyedam’s gaze naturally turned toward the sky. Brilliant fireworks painted endless beauty across the sky that had been filled with darkness as distant as his future. Before one light faded, another took its place.
What had started as a single burst of fireworks now covered the entire sky. At the loud sound of the fireworks and the scene unfolding before his eyes, Hyedam stared blankly at the sky.
How much is all this? He was intoxicated by the beauty for just a moment when a sudden thought made him let out a hollow laugh.
“I’m sorry.”
At Leo’s voice mixed with the loud noise, Hyedam glanced at him from the corner of his eye, then turned his gaze back to the sky with a “What are you saying.”
He’d never actually seen fireworks being set off in real life, only through TV. It was also his first time wearing expensive clothes he would normally never even think of and attending a fancy Christmas party. It was his first time actually meeting the parents of the person he liked, and his first time feeling this much of a mess.
Whether he wanted to cry or laugh. Whether he wanted to push Leo away or pull him close. It was his own emotions and thoughts, yet nothing was certain.
“Want to sleep together?”
Looking at Leo instead of the sky, gazing into his eyes, Hyedam tossed out a single line. In this ambiguous situation, this feeling alone was certain. The fact that whenever they were together, he always wanted to touch him and feel his breath.
