That’s how it started. And that thought remained unchanged even now. It did make him feel quite guilty that he couldn’t give the kind of emotions and relationship Dowon wanted. But wouldn’t it be worse to just settle carelessly in this situation looking only at the present?
At least he’d decided not to leave anything here. Wouldn’t finishing it that way be courtesy to Dowon too?
Since he had nothing to do right away, Muyoung took out the suitcase he often used and slowly began gathering necessary items in advance. Then his phone on the dining table vibrated.
Han Dowon
Did you eat?
As expected, it was Dowon. Lately he’d been particularly mindful of meals. Had he really lost weight? It didn’t seem like his meal portions had decreased much. He ran his hand over his face at the continuing thought, but it was hard to find any changes himself.
He’d simply had liquid meals when feeling bloated, so he’d naturally gotten a bit lighter, but it wasn’t a major concern. But when Dowon checked on meals like this every time or quietly examined his face whenever they met, he’d feel awkwardly embarrassed.
I ate. CEO-nim should also eat well.
He suddenly realized he’d been texting with Dowon so frequently that he worried whether this kind of reply seemed insincere.
Why was that?
He placed his phone on the open suitcase and moved toward the closet. Even as he rummaged through the organized area and picked out several familiar clothes, his mind was complicated. Without thinking deeply about which pants should match which top, he just roughly selected a few clothes suitable for the season and came out. And when he returned to where he’d placed the suitcase, a worried reply had arrived.
Han Dowon
I’m eating well. Muyoung-ssi should take care of yourself first.
It’s the change of seasons now, so you need to be more careful.
It was something he usually heard, but Muyoung’s throat somehow felt parched. If they’d been on a call, he would have definitely been teased for being flustered. What was so difficult about typing a few text characters? Until now, he’d definitely replied without delay, trying to at least be polite. He had no idea how he’d acted so nonchalantly.
He’d already gotten close to Dowon in many ways, to the point where he couldn’t even look at his phone screen properly. And to realize this fact so late. Just how oblivious had he been? No. He wasn’t unaware. When? Since when had it been like this? Had his heart opened to the frequent contact and occasionally seeing his face?
…Whatever excuse he attached, there was only one answer. He was just deliberately pretending not to know. If he kept acting this clumsily, he might soon spill everything to this person.
Would it be a bit more comfortable if he did? The momentarily rising thought was frightening. …Even selfishness should have limits.
He didn’t want to know his nature of becoming weak so quickly in this way. Muyoung stopped packing clothes haphazardly into the suitcase, let out a low sigh, and sat down with a thud.
He remembered the moments when the time they deliberately made and the clumsy but affectionate words sank deep. He also remembered the body heat they shared, helplessly swept up and pressed against each other. He knew too well that to make those things like they never happened, he had to tell all his circumstances. Not wanting to think deeper in a relationship that was limited anyway was just his own situation. How greedy was he, one-sidedly seeking comfort and leaning on even his relationship with Dowon?
Still, he decided it would be better to gradually tell his circumstances when he met Dowon again soon. That way he could reduce the situations where Dowon would be flustered, and perhaps he himself could shake off this foolishness a bit.
Since escaping from the shadows of the past was his own responsibility, he didn’t want to impose the burden of making others carry it together. Dowon had definitely treated him well enough until now. Even if they faced an ending slightly different from what was expected, he hoped to lessen his confusion.
He couldn’t expect understanding or forgiveness for his selfish choice to trouble Dowon with foolish decisions from the past, or for his selfishness in keeping Dowon by his side.
He still didn’t know what words to use to start that conversation.
Han Dowon
And I think I’ll have to postpone seeing your face for a few days. I suddenly have a business trip.
I’ll contact you in the evening.
At Dowon’s text that arrived before he could even send a reply, a sigh automatically escaped Muyoung’s lips. His body relaxed, as if he’d been tensing without knowing it. How could he be so indecisive? He was truly disgusted with himself. What was he thinking, feeling relieved at receiving just a few days’ reprieve when his resolution was so meaningless?
Yes, don’t overwork yourself.
See you later.
Fatigue like finishing a major assignment pressed on his shoulders. It felt like a person who’d never had any talent for dealing with people from the start had tried to make an effort and ended up flailing uselessly.
Muyoung’s self-deprecating mood, thinking he hadn’t completely postponed it, had to change direction the next day. Of course, it wasn’t his fault. It couldn’t be helped that his guess was wrong, but the changed situation didn’t change easily.
***
It was already the third day staying at the hotel. He’d need to bring more clothes and underwear, so he wondered if he should ask Section Manager Kim.
The hotel near the set wasn’t bad, but his mind was uneasy. The director, who finally couldn’t keep up with the time the script came in, had started working with the writer at his side. The problem was that both were extremely sensitive, so all staff had to maintain standby in a tense state. At first he thought he’d return to commuting to the set as usual after a few days, but the waiting time kept getting longer. It wasn’t his fault and he didn’t have major complaints, but he was worried.
It was a bit awkward to ask Section Manager Kim for the medicine he’d left at home. Either way, it would be better to make a decision, but that part was still difficult so he was just worrying.
He naturally postponed the hospital he should have gone to regularly. Since he went alone, he didn’t know if it was fortunate or unfortunate that no one knew. The prescription medicine remaining at home was enough to postpone the hospital, but the situation was frustrating since he couldn’t go home.
When he was continuing his thoughts, Muyoung’s ringtone sounded. He slowly sat up and brought his phone charging on the nightstand.
“Yes, Section Manager-nim.”
─ Ah, Muyoung-ah. It looks like the night additional filming will be postponed. The writer said there’s something to revise and asked to postpone it just one day.
“Really? Then tomorrow?”
─ Probably tomorrow or… they might shoot it all together when there’s daytime filming the day after. I’ll let you know once it’s decided.
It was Section Manager Kim’s call that the schedule had changed. Would it be better to ask now that he had time? Thinking he should just say what he needed, Muyoung spoke up with difficulty.
“Then Section Manager-nim, could you bring me something from home?”
─ Now? What can I do… I’m on my way down to the provinces because your schedule got postponed and I have an appointment with extras.
Sometimes during free time, the company connected agencies and escorted supporting actors. Since managing supporting actors needed for broadcasts was similar to taking care of affiliated entertainers, it was something he could do. He couldn’t call Section Manager Kim who said he was already on his way. At this point, wouldn’t it be better to just go himself?
“Ah… Then I’ll go myself.”
─ …That’s a bit… Did you contact CEO Choi?
“Didn’t he say he had some meeting today since last week?”
─ Right. He did…
“I’ll just go myself. I think it’ll be fine if I quietly go by taxi.”
He understood Section Manager Kim’s mind still worried about the tabloid, but enduring without medicine was difficult. If he moved while the schedule was off, there didn’t seem to be major problems.
─ …Well, it’s been quiet this whole time so it should be fine. Go quick and come back. Send a text.
“Yes, I will. I won’t go anywhere else.”
Feeling slight guilt, Muyoung ended the call, grabbed his mask and sunglasses, and immediately left the hotel.
The humidity outside was terrifying. He didn’t know if it was late summer or early autumn, but the heat remained. Maybe because he’d only been in the hotel, his sense of the weather had become faint. He covered his face with his palm at the changing temperature from the lobby, looked at the sky briefly, then went outside. Fortunately a taxi arrived quickly so he could head home comfortably. Beyond the car window crossing the bridge, the setting sun seemed to melt into the river.
Han Dowon
What are you doing?
Is that something to say to a confined person
At the vibration, the phone he took out had a text. It had already been a week since their meetings had crossed due to filming. Still, while Dowon didn’t come find him at the hotel, he contacted him without missing a day. Though it wasn’t even a call, he felt like he could hear his voice and touched his earlobe for no reason as he tapped the screen to write a reply.
I escaped just now
I’m going home briefly, I’m on my way now
Even after sending the text, he felt something was lacking, so while he was looking at the screen for a moment, it suddenly switched to an incoming call screen and vibrated in his hand. Dowon’s name appeared as the caller.
“Yes.”
─ Are you allowed to move around?
“Ah, it should be fine. They said today’s filming was postponed too. I told Section Manager-nim.”
─ Don’t tell me Muyoung-ssi is alone?
“The company people all have schedules today. I’m just going to grab what I need and go straight back to the hotel.”
He hadn’t particularly asked, but Muyoung continued explaining earnestly, guessing what the man was worried about. He wondered if it seemed too much like making excuses… Dowon’s voice, which had been silent for a moment listening to Muyoung’s explanation, was heard again.
