# Chapter 77
I was so tense just before the performance began that my body tingled.
I couldn’t understand why I was so nervous when Woosang was the one performing on stage. Sweat seeped from my hands, and I rubbed my fingertips against my pants.
As Woosang had instructed, I followed an employee’s guidance, left my belongings in a locker, and entered the performance hall as directed.
Though the country and city were different from where I first saw Woosang’s performance, the interior of the hall was similar to the one in Paris.
It wasn’t as spacious as I expected, and there weren’t many seats. However, those few seats were completely filled without any vacancies.
Woosang had said that most of the people at the performance hall were industry professionals, and the rest were their acquaintances. I couldn’t tell if that was true, but if it was, it was a sad reality.
In fact, even for me, the contemporary dance Woosang performed only conveyed emotions; when I first saw it, I was bewildered by movements I couldn’t understand.
‘Is it not loved because it can’t be understood at first glance…?’
But sometimes, I thought there were things that attracted us precisely because we couldn’t understand them immediately.
Before I could delve deeper into thought, the lights in the audience dimmed, and strong spotlights illuminated only the stage.
The performance was beginning.
An ambiguous silence lingered as tension began to circle the stage and audience. After a moment, as the performance began, the tension seemed to wash away.
Somehow, seeing Woosang standing at the edge of the stage reassured me. Though he’d said he had performed in Berlin, I couldn’t believe it until I saw it with my own eyes.
I was glad he hadn’t abandoned what he desired. Although Woosang had said he might have quit dancing someday, with or without my influence, I didn’t want to let that happen.
‘…He seems to have changed.’
That was the only thought that came to mind as I watched his performance. Though I didn’t know much about his dance in detail, the Woosang I had seen until now always seemed one step removed from the stage, and I felt like his standing was precarious.
But now, Woosang looked somehow solid and completely belonged here.
At that sight, some emotion that had been buried deep within my heart tickled its way up.
Woosang moved on the stage, and the other dancers also seemed to be increasingly immersed in the performance. The audience felt the same.
At that moment, a thought crossed my mind as I watched the stage. It was a selfish thought directed at myself rather than feelings toward Woosang.
‘Now I really don’t want to die.’
Was it because it was now clearly visible that I hadn’t ruined Woosang? I really didn’t want to die. After facing the fact that I had changed him, I felt this even more strongly.
He had changed me, and I had changed him.
The fact that I had given someone the strength to move forward felt almost tangible against my skin.
As the ambiguous theme became clearer and I began to grasp the subject of this performance, my thoughts were completely sorted out as well.
By the time the end of the performance approached, I had recalled what I needed to do and made a definitive decision.
***
After the performance ended, a short curtain call followed, and Woosang, having spotted me, waved. I wanted to wave back, but I couldn’t bring myself to do so.
I took a deep breath and released the tension. I didn’t want to face Woosang with a stiff expression.
I led my rigid legs outside the performance hall. Bright light poured over me, and unlike inside, the hot wind made it hard to breathe.
That’s when I heard a voice from behind. It was Woosang.
“Why are you outside? I said we’d meet in the lobby.”
“I just felt a bit stifled inside.”
He looked at me with a strangely excited expression. Seeing him seemingly thrilled, my mood seemed to lift as well. Yet, thinking about the brief farewell that would take place in a few days, my emotions plummeted again.
“What about Bel and the others?”
“They all went back. We already had enough celebratory parties in Berlin, so we decided to skip it this time.”
Glancing at the lobby, the interior was already deserted. Perhaps because there weren’t that many audience members, staff were already cleaning up inside.
Then, it was now solely our time.
“How was the performance?”
“It was good.”
I wanted to add more, but I hesitated, unsure if I should.
“Your dancing seems a bit different from before.”
“In what way?”
“Just…”
I only felt that it was different, but I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what had changed. Still, Woosang looked satisfied, as if confirming that something had indeed changed.
As I walked with my head down, looking at the ground, he grabbed my arm. I stopped in my tracks and looked at him.
“Around this time last year, we watched a performance like this and had dinner in Paris, didn’t we?”
“Yes, we did.”
“Do you remember what I said then?”
If it was about last summer, I remembered clearly. But we had exchanged so many conversations that I couldn’t pick out just one specific thing he might be referring to.
“That you didn’t want to create dirty rumors or something.”
The small shock I felt at his words flashed in my memory.
‘Right. He did say that.’
At that time, I believed that I would never get close to Woosang because of his resolute words. That’s why I was afraid when Woosang approached me afterward; I was grateful but also wanted to avoid him.
Woosang, who had been smiling, slightly frowned, then seeing the changing traffic signal, started walking forward again.
“But now my thoughts have changed.”
I held my breath, waiting for what would follow.
“Now, I think it might be okay to create even one such rumor.”
I couldn’t properly respond to his words, not knowing if they were a joke or sincere. His mischievous words always caught me off guard.
In the strong sunlight, I couldn’t see Woosang’s expression clearly. But just hearing his voice, he seemed quite excited.
My mouth felt bitter, but I didn’t say anything special.
“It’s not like my life will be made into a movie anyway, so from now on, I’m going to think a bit more freely.”
The sentence Woosang uttered was so light that it was hard to believe it came from him. It was difficult to believe I heard it from Woosang, who had always been serious and endlessly subdued.
“We need to live a bit more lightly.”
“Is that so?”
Certainly, that might be true. Looking around, no one else seemed to walk as heavily as we did. Even when we were light, we always seemed heavier than others.
Of course, since we couldn’t make all our past experiences light at once, I wanted to think a bit more comfortably going forward, even if just a little.
Woosang seemed to feel the same way. I was relieved. It had always been difficult to know what he was thinking, but now I understood him more easily than anyone.
My legs, not yet fully recovered, tingled a bit, and the scars on his fingers would leave permanent marks, but it seemed like they would eventually become a past with a definitive end.
The same was true for the stories of my childhood. My sins wouldn’t disappear, but I couldn’t remain trapped in the past and bury the present forever.
“A few days ago, I went to France to find Teo, right?”
“…Yes.”
“When I tried to move after receiving the phone call, I didn’t know how to get to where Teo was.”
“……”
His expression distorted strongly, then smoothed out again.
“I know how to get from Berlin to Paris, but I didn’t know how to go to Nancy.”
Things Woosang didn’t know. In the past, I would have been surprised, but now it wasn’t fresh. He knew a lot and always seemed detached, but he had gradually revealed to me that it was to hide his anxieties.
“Besides that, there’s really a lot I don’t know.”
“More than me?”
“I’m not sure. Sometimes Teo is sharper than I am.”
Standing still, I silently faced the hot wind. Woosang too, confronted with that stifling air, only blinked without saying much.
The sound of cars passing by. The noise from the traffic signals. Words I couldn’t understand. Amidst all kinds of background noise, only Woosang’s breathing strongly beat against my ears.
After a long silence, a bicycle bell rang frantically from behind. Startled, I grabbed Woosang’s arm and pulled, and he, probably surprised as well, quickly turned around.
“That scared me.”
The cyclist, without properly checking in front, shouted something at us for a while before speeding past. Flustered, I watched the passing bicycle for a moment.
Then Woosang began to laugh quietly.
“…What did they say?”
I asked about the German words I couldn’t understand.
“They said, ‘Are you not using your eyes?’ and ‘Are you crazy?'”
“Ah…..”
Looking down at my feet, I realized we were standing on the bicycle lane.
Our strangely frozen expressions changed instantly because of those harsh words.
Not standing in the bicycle lane was something we knew very well. Yet, we had made a mistake.
With the shouting still ringing in my ears, I remained standing still before following Woosang, who moved to the sidewalk as if to distance himself from the bicycle lane.
As I kept glancing at the bicycle lane, Woosang said as if it wasn’t a big deal:
“Don’t worry about it. Even ‘God (Dieu)’ makes mistakes, you know.”
At his playful words, I snapped back to my senses and nodded.
Time was too precious to be down just because we got yelled at once. Thinking more lightly than usual, even the wind that had felt heavy now seemed quite cool.
***
“You’re going to leave again soon, aren’t you?”
After dinner, Woosang, slightly flushed from alcohol, asked me. Sitting on a park bench, sharing a bottle of water, I silently nodded.
I had lost everything I possessed without properly resolving any of the problems I had tried to solve.
So now I really had to leave.
“As long as you promise to come back, I’m okay with whatever you do.”
“…Of course.”
Looking at his expression, I felt like I was getting warmer too, even though I hadn’t drunk any alcohol. In the past, he would have first been suspicious about where I was going, but now he seemed to genuinely trust me.
I was glad I could give him that trust. I wanted to stop doubting and hurting each other.
“When you come back, let’s really go see the sea then.”
Looking at Woosang’s excited eyes, although I couldn’t promise perfectly, I had no choice but to nod.
