# Chapter 57
By the time I finished the audition, it was already evening. I told Teo I was going to Berlin to meet Bel, but in truth, I came over for a new performance.
Although I quit the work I was doing in Paris, I had no intention of giving up my career completely. It was because Teo still wanted me to dance, and I still loved this work.
Even while feeling pathetic about going to these lengths, it was necessary to handle Teo. It wasn’t so bad to go through this trouble to deal with someone who could be unpredictable if given too much freedom.
I took the Berlin subway and headed to the place where I was supposed to meet Bel.
Despite it being broad daylight, the passenger next to me was drinking beer while lying on the seat, and people grabbing my sleeve asking for money were simply annoying.
Even with summer approaching, this city still felt like a narrow space full of gray to me.
If Teo had come with me, perhaps this scenery might have looked a little beautiful. Knowing this fact made me feel stifled and angry.
Before long, I got off the subway and went up to the street level. Unlike the filthy underground, the outside was reasonably decent.
I entered the café where I was supposed to meet Bel, ordered a cappuccino, and sat down. Due to the hot weather, the outdoor tables were packed with people.
Listening to the unpleasant noise, I looked at the empty seat beside me. Thinking of Teo, who would probably be lying blankly alone at home right now, I wanted to go back home, but I also had a stronger malicious desire to make him feel a sense of loss.
“Why are you sitting inside instead of outside?”
“Oh, you’re here? Just because it’s noisy.”
“If not now, when else would you see the sun… Let’s go outside.”
I stared at Bel, who spoke to me abruptly without a proper greeting. With no choice, I took my cup and went outside, and the thoughts that had been stirring until now seemed to calm down somewhat.
I frowned at the painfully glaring light, and perhaps displeased with me, Bel remained silent for a while before speaking to me.
“Why did you bother coming all the way here? No matter how unreasonably you behave, there must still be places in Paris that would put you on stage.”
“Well…”
I could answer if she asked why I came all the way here, but I didn’t think she particularly wanted to hear it.
“I might move to Berlin soon.”
“Why?”
“I just feel like I need some stimulation.”
The biggest reason was that I wanted to see Teo relying on me because he couldn’t speak German, but I also wanted to detach him from clinging to the past in Paris.
There was nothing left there now. Wherever we stayed, what mattered was us. I knew that completely, but I didn’t particularly want to tell Teo.
I hoped he would realize it on his own. That in the end, there’s nothing in the past he was clinging to.
“Teo seems to have changed, but you haven’t changed at all.”
“In what way?”
“I mean you’ve only become more cantankerous.”
“Maybe so.”
I had no particular response to her sharp tone. It was true. At some point, I was becoming an increasingly rough person.
I knew it was because of Teo, but so what? After all, there was nothing else that gave me complete peace in my life.
So it didn’t matter how I changed.
“If you keep living with those thorns, Teo will leave you too. Stop tormenting him.”
“We didn’t meet to talk about this.”
“……”
I was a bit disgusted with myself for pushing her away with the thorny behavior she mentioned. My mood, which had been relatively decent, was crashing down again.
“Fine. Whatever.”
Afterward, Bel talked for a while about audition information she had passed and the industry, then laid out her related complaints.
After talking for some time, I noticed the sun was setting, and Bel led me away, saying we should move.
I looked at the people gathered by the river, chattering while watching the setting sun. The gap between those excited-looking people and myself was noticeable.
“Did something happen? You look more dazed than usual.”
“What would you think if I told you I did something bad?”
“…Don’t tell me you did something to Teo?”
“No.”
The question she asked so naturally raised my spirits a bit from their sunken state because it was so absurd. Of course, if I had done something, I had.
I had tried to forcibly uncover the vulnerable parts he was trying to hide, and he seemed hurt by it. But it was amusing that he still couldn’t read my dirty thoughts.
“So what if you did something bad? How bad could it possibly be, coming from you?”
I noticed her trying somehow to patch up our clumsy relationship. But contrary to that sentiment, I ultimately felt some distance.
The more I was with others, my thoughts eventually returned to their starting point. It was the same now.
As the sun set and it darkened, I wanted to hurry back, thinking of my lover who would be buried in bed, depressed at this moment.
I carefully touched where my middle finger had been injured. The spot, now familiar, seemed similar to my hardened heart.
I stopped in the street and breathed the unfamiliar air. It felt easier to breathe than before.
Just then, I felt a vibration in my pocket. Checking the screen, it was surprisingly a call from Teo.
“What is it?”
“I’ll take this call for a moment.”
I answered the phone with no small amount of excitement.
“Hello?”
[…Where are you?]
“In Berlin. I told you, I was coming to meet Bel… Is something wrong?”
I asked calmly, but he didn’t answer. Somehow only rough breathing flowed through the speaker. It seemed like something bad had happened.
[When are you coming back? You’re not coming back today, right?]
I was surprised by his voice filled with anxiety, but I also felt somewhat excited. To avoid asking him hastily, I considered how to respond.
“Today seems impossible. Maybe the day after tomorrow?”
[……]
After hesitating for a while, Teo whispered in a voice almost too quiet to hear.
That he would come here.
I knew he seemed anxious, but I didn’t expect him to say he would come first, so I couldn’t help but smile. I told him I understood and asked him to let me know his exact arrival time, and then the call ended.
“Who was that?”
“Teo. He just contacted me saying he’s coming to Berlin now.”
Bel frowned as if disgusted by my appearance.
“I’ll head back first.”
“…Okay.”
I felt a bit sorry about her resigned voice, but I waved goodbye and immediately headed to the station that would take me to the airport.
My calm thoughts were scattered chaotically. He said he was leaving now, so it would take at least a few hours even if he came as quickly as possible, but my feet wouldn’t stop moving.
Just then, a surface train heading to the airport arrived, and I hurriedly boarded it. A vibration rang out, and checking it, there was a message saying he was heading to the airport now.
‘Has this ever happened before…?’
I wondered what made him so anxious. I had a guess about the reason, but I also didn’t know.
I had confronted Teo about whether he had killed Oliver, but I knew he wouldn’t have. He hated his previous life, so he wouldn’t have added to that hatred. But without planting doubt, it seemed impossible to sort out these ambiguous emotions.
Sitting in my seat, I checked for messages again, but there were no other communications afterward, perhaps because he was preoccupied.
Although it wasn’t very far from central Berlin to the airport, the time to reach each station felt extremely long.
I closed my eyes and tried to calm down. The sound of my heartbeat echoed deeply in my ears. This feeling wasn’t entirely unpleasant.
***
Soon after arriving at the airport, I tried calling Teo. The call rang several times, but there was no response.
“Haah…”
I deliberately sighed, wanting to release the tension. I knew there was no need to be this tense.
But my steps felt heavy, and I felt like I needed to sit somewhere. I sat on a chair in a corner of the airport and blankly checked the flight schedule.
I could see several flights from Paris to Berlin even during the night. He would probably be on one of them.
My fatigue had long disappeared with a strange anticipation.
The noise of passing people hit my ears. I absently took in the surrounding scenery. Nothing came to me distinctly.
Sitting still became a bit tedious, so I got up and wandered around the interior of the airport.
Just then, someone spoke to me from behind.
“Hello?”
“……”
A light tone and swaggering attitude. A man approaching and speaking to me while wandering around the airport late at night. It was an obvious ploy with clear intentions.
There were plenty of people who tried to hit on reasonably good-looking Asian men. This wasn’t limited to just women.
I didn’t answer, trying to block the approaching conversation, but the man spoke to me again.
“Who are you waiting for?”
At times like this, the very fact that I understood the language was annoying. Even though I didn’t answer his question, the man followed me as if determined.
Since this was quite a common occurrence before meeting Teo, I wasn’t particularly annoyed, but this uninvited guest who appeared just when I was feeling somewhat excited was making the situation more realistic.
“Won’t you answer me? I want to be friends with you…”
It was as if they all had the same repertoire, like they would all die of some disease if they didn’t say such pathetic lines.
Yes. Although things had improved after meeting Teo, the place where I stood was always like this.
Just as I was considering getting angry, I saw Teo running urgently behind the man who was hitting on me.
I glanced at a nearby clock. Quite some time had already passed.
Our eyes met.
An indescribable moan escaped my throat as I saw his expression, full of anxiety and not knowing what to do.
When I smiled slightly, the man who had been hitting on me thought I was smiling at him and leaned toward me again.
“Why don’t you leave now? The person I’m meeting is quite scary.”
When I pointed at Teo with my finger, the man seemed to be trying to verify whether it was true or not as he looked at Teo approaching with a frightening expression.
“What the hell are you doing?”
He suddenly looked at the man with an expression full of malice. Watching that didn’t feel too bad either. Before long, the man who had been standing awkwardly detached himself from me and moved away from us as if he didn’t know us at all.
“Why are you so late?”
“…I’m sorry.”
He hung his head to the ground, genuinely depressed. After examining him for a while, I took the first step.
As I moved away, Teo also followed behind me, exhaling rough breaths. It was pitiful to see him walking one step behind, as if he couldn’t bring himself to walk beside me.
I silently turned back to look at his expression. He tried to act as if nothing was wrong, loosening his frozen expression.
“Why are you making that face?”
“What kind of face am I making?”
A face that looked like it was about to cry.
