# Chapter 56
My confidence was completely shattered by his words, but I answered yes anyway. Woosang then stared at me intently as if checking whether my words were true or not. I wanted to escape his piercing gaze, but I felt that if I moved, something would pounce on me.
“Are you sure you didn’t kill him?”
I nodded awkwardly.
“But actually, it doesn’t matter.”
“…What?”
“I’ve told you before. I don’t really care if Teo kills someone. What I care about is whether you lied to me or not. That’s what’s important.”
I carefully touched the floor with the hand that had been holding my nose. I wasn’t sure if I was actually awake or in a dream.
I remembered the sharp sides of Woosang that I’d seen before. But I thought those were just temporary emotions that occasionally leaked out.
But now my thoughts about the Woosang I knew were becoming tangled. I was too exhausted to understand his emotions right now.
“Maybe that man let you go because he knew I would act like this.”
The man. I knew the man Woosang was referring to wasn’t Oliver. It must be about Hund, whom I thought had completely abandoned me.
Woosang reached his hand out to me. I thought about avoiding his touch but remained still. And when his approaching palm covered my eyes, I felt like I didn’t want to do anything anymore.
“Stay quiet for a while. You can do that, right?”
Woosang grabbed my confused and wandering self and led me to the bedroom. I sank even deeper when he didn’t even give me time to respond.
“And I’m not going to the performance either.”
“…What?”
The purpose of coming to Paris with him was simply for his work. It was the only thing I wanted to restore.
“After acting however you wanted, did you think you could force it on me? I told you. I never intended to do it anyway.”
“But…!”
“Or would you rather tell me what happened with Oliver?”
My head was spinning, and I couldn’t easily open my mouth. At this point, there was no reason to hide about the past. But I just couldn’t speak in this situation.
The tangled emotions and thoughts were tightening around my whole body. I had to tell Woosang that it was different from whatever he was thinking.
That nothing happened with Oliver, and that I didn’t kill him. But no matter how much I thought about it, I wasn’t sure that I hadn’t killed him.
It’s possible that I had erased disadvantageous memories again.
Reflecting on it, there was nothing I could say. After waiting for me to emerge from my thoughts, Woosang quietly said:
“Are you curious about why I’m acting like this?”
He gently stretched out his hand and grabbed my injured nose. His hand touching my stinging wound somehow felt only rough.
“Again, thinking on your own, creating secrets from me… Did you think I wouldn’t know?”
Had I tried to leave again? It seemed like maybe I had. But that was a problem I could solve within myself.
However, I could only remain silent at his next words.
“You told me not to try to control myself recklessly. But can you be sure you haven’t done that to me?”
I held my breath and swallowed his words. Had I done that? Thinking on my own, and continuing on my own. The results of my ignorance felt too enormous.
I thought I was only trying to restore what I had ruined in Woosang’s life, and that building together was only natural.
But Woosang always said he didn’t want that. I knew that wasn’t a lie.
It felt like everything I had built up was collapsing all at once.
Suddenly, I remembered the incident with Natalie. I had naturally thought I was getting along well with her, but in reality, she had found me uncomfortable at some point.
Perhaps it had always been expected.
“As much as you’ve forced things on me, I’m going to act as I please too, so you’ll have to accept it. Right?”
Accept. The word I had been trying to escape from was now binding me.
“Don’t think too deeply about it.”
At his softly whispered voice, I felt like I should just comply. Why had I tormented myself with complicated thoughts and emotions? Simply accepting and living moderately with Woosang like this would be the answer.
In my blurring vision, only his face in front of me remained clear.
He lowered his hand and caressed my cheek. Unlike his sharp words, his fingertips were so hot they seemed about to melt.
***
I spent several days just in the bedroom. When I fell asleep, I couldn’t wake up until the next day, and even when I was awake for a few hours, I would soon fall asleep again. Woosang didn’t say anything particular to me about this.
He would take care of me when I got up weakly, then go out around the time I fell asleep, and when I opened my eyes, he would be back home.
It seemed he really wasn’t going to the performance. The fact that I had to face this reality was scary and frightening, making me want to turn away from it.
I thought about checking the performance website, but decided not to, fearing I might collapse if I confirmed it. The image of Woosang dancing was becoming increasingly blurry. Those memories had long since been lumped together and thrown in the trash.
But as he said, there was nothing I could force upon Woosang. I couldn’t apologize to Woosang for accepting my naive demands, nor could I get angry at him.
Just then, I heard the front door opening. I thought about greeting him properly today, but I still wasn’t mentally prepared.
“If you’re awake, at least acknowledge me.”
“…You’re back?”
He, in his neat attire, put down the bag he was carrying next to the bed.
“You can’t just keep lying down.”
“…Where did you go?”
He just smiled and didn’t answer. It seemed he intended to do as he pleased for a while.
Since I had nothing more to say either, I lay back down and covered myself with the blanket. Without saying much, Woosang closed the slightly open curtain and went outside.
I tried to fall asleep, but just from that brief conversation, my heart was pounding as if it would burst. Sleep wouldn’t come.
I closed my eyes and counted numbers in my mind. But even after passing into the thousands, sleep still didn’t come, and what seemed like a moment had passed when the outside, where the sun had been setting, had turned completely dark.
After being awake for a long time, Woosang came back to the room. I held my breath and pretended to be asleep. Then he turned on a floor lamp in the dark bedroom and seemed to be opening a book.
Usually, he would come in right before going to sleep, so I didn’t know what was happening this time.
The sound of turning pages echoed throughout the room. It was a sound that didn’t bother me, and it made me feel somewhat at ease.
I thought about speaking to him, but I had nothing to say. It felt like the beginning of a long tug-of-war between us.
As I lay with my eyes open, listening to the sound of him turning the pages for a while, he spoke to me.
“If you can’t sleep, shall I read to you?”
“…Did you know I was awake?”
“Your breathing sounds different.”
“……”
I deliberately let out a deep breath and then kept my ears open, waiting for his next words.
“I didn’t say those things to Teo to have a power struggle. Though part of it was because I couldn’t stand it anymore.”
“I know.”
I muttered softly. If he had really wanted to suppress me, he could have used other methods. But he didn’t. So, just based on that fact, I had no justification to rebel against him.
Woosang seemed to know this too, which is why he wasn’t taking any particular actions.
As I remained still, he seemed to be pleased and was flipping through the book, looking for a section to read to me. It was the first time he was going to read a book to me.
Along with the feeling of frustration and sadness, a strange sense of anticipation surged. Feeling these emotions, I realized anew that I could never fully leave Woosang.
He began to read the book in a quiet voice. The long, flowing voice was pleasant to hear, but strangely, the content of the book wasn’t registering with me.
But that was okay. Right now, I could feel a sense of stability just by listening to his voice whispering to me endlessly.
My eyelids settled heavily. It felt like sinking into tranquility, not like being forcibly dragged into sleep due to a heavy body as usual.
***
“Did you sleep well?”
When I opened my eyes, Woosang’s face was right in front of me. Startled, I moved back slightly and then nodded.
“I’m going to Berlin for a few days.”
“…Is something wrong?”
“Nothing special, it’s because of Bel.”
I nodded in understanding at the familiar name. And for a while, as I made eye contact with him, I could tell what Woosang wanted to say.
It seemed he was putting me on a test. Whether I would stay quietly or leave during this time.
After several days of sleep and sorting out my thoughts moderately, the tumultuous thoughts had calmed down considerably.
“Don’t just stay inside the house, go for a walk or something.”
“I will.”
As I carefully got up, he also rose from the bed and went out of the room. Looking at him now, Woosang was already fully dressed.
I thought about following him, but my mind wasn’t sorted out enough to follow him and say goodbye. So I blankly waited for the sound of the front door opening.
Before long, as he closed the door and left, my stifled breath improved somewhat.
It was fortunate that an extreme situation like when he came to Brussels hadn’t occurred, but I didn’t think the current situation was fine either. It felt more like living with a time bomb that could explode at any moment.
I went near the window and opened the closed curtain. Outside, it was now becoming full-fledged summer.
It had already become that time of year. Soon, it would be the summer when I first met Woosang.
Recalling that fact, the season I was looking at felt different. A strange despair and moderate expectation. And something indescribable.
As a human being, I had developed to an unimaginable extent, but in terms of our relationship, that wasn’t the case.
‘Yes. It’s all my fault.’
Guilt overwhelmed me at all times. I rubbed my stiff eyes several times and blinked.
That’s when I noticed the phone that had been thrown aside. Woosang might have checked it, as the phone was plugged into the charger. I approached with awkward steps and turned it on.
The screen lit up, and as I blankly checked the time displayed on the screen, I saw that there was a missed call.
Wondering if Woosang had called, I checked, but it wasn’t his number. Looking at the number that had contacted me, the hairs on my body stood on end.
“Oliver….”
Surprisingly, the number belonged to Oliver, who I had heard was dead.
