# Chapter 55
He remained silent as if it was natural. That answer was enough. I thought he surely had practice today, but did he skip it to come out? And since nothing really happened with Bel, I had nothing to say.
That’s why I couldn’t even guess why he was angry.
“If you saw us, you know. We really didn’t talk about anything…”
His tightly closed lips wrinkled slightly. Without realizing it, I closed my mouth and lowered my gaze.
“How can I not think anything when you’re always so quick to hide things from me, yet I see you talking so freely with Bel?”
I blinked several times. My head ached from the injustice. The intense emotions I had felt toward him until just now seemed to subside completely.
Woosang was doubting me again. I couldn’t understand how he could think I would turn my eyes to someone else other than him.
I had never felt any emotions for anyone else before. Though I didn’t completely misunderstand the source of his anxiety, there was no reason to doubt me to this extent.
But right now, it seemed like nothing I said would get through to Woosang.
“…I don’t know why Teo always disappoints me like this.”
“……”
Maybe it’s because emotions aren’t sorted out yet and I’m troubled. For some reason, I didn’t want to say anything to the current Woosang.
And it wasn’t just a simple selfish feeling. It was because I knew it was time for me to find my bearings.
I couldn’t keep relying on his blind faith in me. And I couldn’t keep being swayed by Woosang all the time.
It was time for both of us to fully face the parts where we were misaligned.
“Why don’t you consider why I don’t say anything? At least that much…”
“Have you forgotten? You told me clearly in Switzerland. That you’d be honest.”
The unpleasant conversation made my fingertips itch. It was uncomfortable.
“If you don’t intend to talk, fine.”
He muttered as if announcing it to me with a firm expression.
“I’ve been honest enough, and I’ve waited long enough.”
At that one statement, somehow it felt like I had missed something important.
What had I missed? Suddenly, I felt like there was really no time left. It seemed as if this misalignment would grow too large to reverse if I didn’t speak now.
Woosang stood up from his seat and tried to go into the room.
I hastily reached out and grabbed his arm. I wanted to say something to calm him down, but what came out of my mouth was different from what I’d intended.
“Don’t just blame me. You’re also not seeing me properly.”
I couldn’t understand why such a sensitive statement came out of my mouth. But words once spoken couldn’t be taken back.
His expression became colder than before. The water droplets that had been flowing from Woosang’s hair had dried up and no longer fell.
“Is that all you have to say?”
“……”
“I warned you enough.”
With those final words, Woosang slowly went into the room and didn’t come out. As the night deepened, I thought about going into the room, but I couldn’t find the courage.
After hesitating with my hand on the doorknob several times, I finally couldn’t open it and lay down on the sofa.
How long has it been since I stayed alone in the dark living room? He always sat next to me, leaning his head on my shoulder as if it were natural, but now both sides were empty.
‘The performance is just around the corner…’
Remembering that, my throat choked with guilt, feeling like I had made a mistake. I couldn’t understand why my malice emerged at this time to torment Woosang, or why he had me meet Bel during this period. Everything was misaligned and creaking.
It will be okay. If he dances on stage again, it would restore a part of Woosang that I had ruined, healing the guilt and pain.
Then this maddening regret and pain would surely subside. It wasn’t a selfish thought. It shouldn’t be.
***
For several days, there was only a cold wind in the house. Fortunately, the next day, Woosang let me into the bedroom. But even though we stayed in the same bed, we didn’t exchange glances. Moreover, Woosang left for practice before I woke up.
I don’t know if he was deliberately leaving early or if he was just busy, but he came home very late.
“Haa…”
It’s natural to feel suffocated in this situation, but the unfamiliar cold treatment always made me feel depressed.
Tomorrow is finally the opening day of Woosang’s performance. Come to think of it, I had been so distracted that I hadn’t even reserved a ticket for the show.
Woosang was probably busy, so he hadn’t mentioned anything about the performance to me, and I couldn’t ask either.
Maybe these little things and fatigue had accumulated, making him act sharply toward me.
I had forced him to start working again because I wanted him to, but then I was lost in thought, not even showing interest in him, so it was understandable.
My head throbbed painfully, feeling like I had been selfish.
‘When Woosang returns today, I must apologize.’
I muttered that while watching the setting sun. After spending days listlessly, my body felt heavy. Sighs kept escaping.
Click.
Just then, I heard the sound of a key opening the door. Checking the clock, it was several hours earlier than usual. Was it Woosang? With some bewilderment, I hastily got up from the sofa and headed to the entrance.
“Ah, you’re home early?”
“Yes.”
Worried about his face that looked tired somewhere, I examined Woosang closely. Except for his drooping shoulders, he didn’t look particularly sick.
“…Are you okay?”
“……”
He didn’t answer.
“You have a performance tomorrow. If you’re sleepy, go to bed soon.”
“Teo.”
“Yes?”
“Still don’t feel like telling me?”
His words seemed to choke me. It wasn’t something I could say to someone with a performance the very next day. He might have been able to brush it off, but it wasn’t something I could easily talk about either.
“I’ll tell you after the performance is over. That would be better for you too…”
He suddenly started laughing.
“This might be your last chance to tell me.”
“……”
He suddenly grabbed my collar and thrust his face close to mine. I was so taken aback by his unpredictable behavior that I couldn’t do anything.
Then he bit my nose hard. I almost screamed, but I held it back with all my might, and in my confusion, I touched my nose.
Blood was dripping down.
“W-Why suddenly…”
But he was looking down at me with an expressionless face. He even seemed pleased.
His appearance of hurting me and being unbothered made me wonder if this was the Woosang I knew. I had no memory of seeing such an expression. Even when he came to my house and tormented himself, his expression wasn’t this cold.
Woosang back then had a rather miserable appearance. But now, it was different from then.
He overlapped with the version of myself who felt nothing and lived as dictated. Somehow, it seemed like he was trying to decide everything and put it into action.
“You know, Oliver, whom we met recently. Are you still in contact with him?”
“…Why bring that up?”
Confused thoughts flowed at Oliver’s name. Could it be that Woosang had contacted Oliver in the meantime?
It felt like he had broken his promise after telling me he would wait. He had said he couldn’t wait any longer. This was more of a deviation than a broken promise.
I couldn’t bear the fact that I had built up so much distrust in him. Yet, I was full of resentment.
How much had Oliver told Woosang? I had no idea how he would think about it.
‘I should have killed him before he could talk anywhere…’
My head was full of ugly thoughts. I laughed at the fact that while I regretted killing others out of malice, I regretted not killing Oliver.
In the end, was this the essence of who I am? And perhaps Woosang, having seen this essence, had fallen out of love with me and wanted a complete confession.
“Tell me. What did you do after meeting on your day off recently?”
“Just… just parted ways.”
My voice trembled. Blood from my nose wet my hands, and I was afraid of Woosang’s eyes, coldly looking at me.
I had never felt this terror even from Hund, who had beaten me thoroughly. Perhaps Woosang had completely subdued me more than Hund had.
“Did you kill him because you didn’t want me to find out?”
“……!”
All my thoughts stopped at the alien word. Thinking I might have misheard, I went over what he had said, but it seemed like I had heard correctly.
Kill? At the unfamiliar word, I wondered if I had blurted out my inner thoughts. But though I thought about killing, I didn’t actually do it.
As I tried to organize my thoughts, he approached.
“Did you kill him because you didn’t want to say a few words about the past?”
Unable to say anything, I just sat on the floor blankly, having to wait for what Woosang would say next. Words from my mouth would obviously be incomplete.
“I secretly got his number and contacted him because I wanted to hear about Teo, but it seems he died without anyone knowing a few days ago. Just a few days after meeting with Teo… In Paris.”
In Paris. I recalled the last sight of Oliver. Him looking confused. And after that, I had fled, and he would have returned.
‘He said he was leaving for Australia…’
Oliver had said that the day after we met, Sunday, he would leave. Why then was he found in Paris?
He was staying in Paris with the purpose of meeting me. So for him to be found here…
I didn’t kill him. But I wasn’t completely certain either. Did I really not kill him? In fact, my malice might have killed Oliver.
Everything was tangled and not properly distinguished. Just as I had killed my parents and completely forgotten that fact, I might have really killed him.
I grabbed my head and slowly traced my memories. A few days ago, a week ago, and a bit further back. In the midst of my confusion, Woosang approached me.
“The performance practice ended quite early, but I was late because I was looking into what had happened.”
What he said was a deception toward me. Just a few days ago, Woosang had completely trusted me and said I was the one who betrayed him. But from the beginning, Woosang hadn’t trusted me.
However, I knew I couldn’t blame it entirely on him. He was doing his work well. I wanted an explanation, but right now, it seemed like I couldn’t fully understand anything I heard.
“Now tell me. What did you want to hide so badly?”
“I’m not hiding anything. Really, although I did think about it…”
“Really?”
