# Chapter 46
“Are you seeing someone?”
Natalie asked me. I nodded, but she didn’t add anything else.
“Yes. Why?”
“Just wondering. I quite liked you.”
Natalie, who bluntly spoke those forward words with a calm expression, organized the book in her hand. Not knowing what to say, I was flustered, but she said not to worry about it and abruptly went into the storage room.
I wasn’t used to hearing someone’s feelings from a person I didn’t realize was interested in me. It was the same when I first heard it from Woosang.
I’ve recently come to understand that I’m not good at picking up on other people’s emotions. Maybe Natalie had been giving me signals for some time.
It had been a few weeks since the bookstore officially opened. Since Paris was crowded wherever you went, this place was no exception. Especially having no prior work experience, I listened to advice from Natalie and other staff, learning the job slowly.
Fortunately, other people were also somewhat kind to me, and there weren’t many unpleasant encounters.
Today there were fewer customers than usual, and as I sat at the counter looking over inventory receipts, someone tapped their finger on the counter.
Tap tap.
Thinking that I might not have noticed their presence because I was concentrating, I quickly greeted them.
“Hello.”
“Hi.”
I swallowed deeply at the familiar voice. An unexpected person was standing there.
It was Oliver.
Several questions crossed my mind, but they didn’t seem very important right now. Creating unnecessary anxiety would only be to my disadvantage. After staring at him for a while, I said:
“How did you find me?”
“…I should tell you first, I didn’t use any tricks. I really discovered this place by chance.”
“……”
In response to my silence, he raised both hands and made a somewhat tired expression.
“Of course, it’s true that I was looking for you. But I came here just to buy a book.”
I couldn’t tell if his words were true or not. But whatever the case, it didn’t really matter. I didn’t want to face him. That was my honest feeling.
Now there were two options. Either tell him to leave, or ignore him. But since it would be difficult to make a scene at my workplace, both were hesitant choices.
At my silence, he seemed to have an expression of resignation. He seemed to realize that I had nothing but distrust for him.
“I’m not trying to do anything to you. Just… I have something to say.”
He spoke with a serious expression I had never seen before. As silence still lingered, he turned around. It seemed he was going to leave.
“Contact me. It’s time for me to really leave now. Please give me a little time this week.”
“As you might know, I don’t really want to talk.”
“I understand that. But I want to talk. So contact me. I’ll wait.”
Though I deliberately spoke coldly, he seemed somewhat desperate. There was no reason for him to be, and I was curious about why he was being so serious by himself.
But not wanting to continue the conversation, I left the counter and went into the storage room. I couldn’t tell if he had left or was still inside. It felt like my insides were burning up.
Somehow, I felt that if I had a serious conversation with Oliver, I would discover something I had forgotten. I didn’t want that. I just wanted to be at peace now.
With a greedy thought, I peeked through the crack in the door to look outside. Fortunately, he was gone.
For a while, I stood still, feeling the dry air in the storage room. The anxiety remained in my body even after leaving that place.
My heart was easily wavering.
***
For several days, I couldn’t concentrate on anything, consumed by thoughts of Oliver. I made mistakes multiple times during work and frequently dropped things at home.
Woosang didn’t seem to suspect anything special, perhaps thinking I was just tired. He seemed to have some schedule recently too. Judging by how he didn’t tell me in detail, it didn’t seem to be confirmed yet.
“I think I’ll be out for a bit the day after tomorrow.”
“Where are you going?”
“I have an interview. It’s within Paris, but… I think I’ll be busy all day.”
He answered with an uneasy expression. Come to think of it, the day after tomorrow was also my day off. Knowing what Woosang was worried about, I deliberately smiled.
“I’ll just sleep in for once.”
At my response, Woosang also pretended it was nothing. It wasn’t anything special. Nothing will happen. I murmured to myself.
The day after tomorrow was Sunday, the day Oliver said he would leave. Maybe once he leaves, this anxiety will disappear too.
I can hide this feeling from Woosang and everyone else. So I’ll just ignore it.
‘Besides, there’s no need to deal with issues other than those related to Woosang.’
Trying to rationalize, I gently closed my eyes. Woosang whispered to me to go in and sleep. I knew I should, but somehow my body felt as heavy as lead and I couldn’t respond.
After a while with no answer, he laid me down on my side and covered me with the blanket. I should say thank you, but I felt my consciousness drifting away with the cozy sensation. Fortunately, the anxious feeling was gradually disappearing too.
But unlike that warm sensation, that evening, I had a nightmare for the first time in a long while.
***
I saw myself standing next to my parents who fought every day in my childhood. But I didn’t realize the situation was bad. That’s how it was back then.
Eventually, with my ears hurting from the fighting sounds, I went out in a T-shirt in the middle of winter to touch the snow. Come to think of it, I remember occasionally meeting someone during that winter.
Those memories were completely meaningless to me. So I didn’t think much of anyone’s kindness either.
Perhaps I endured that time because I encountered some kind of kindness.
I wonder if the person I met back then is still there. I became a little curious, just a tiny bit.
‘Teo.’
At that moment, someone called my name. It was a name I had never been called before.
***
“Ah….”
Waking up from the suffocation, my whole body was damp with sweat. It also felt like my breath was choked and rising. With my mind not clearing, I removed the blanket that was covering me. Awkwardly, I couldn’t sense any presence around.
‘That’s right. I fell asleep alone on the sofa yesterday.’
It was just a brief bad dream, but it felt like someone was grabbing my neck and not letting go. I sat in place for a long time, regulating my breath and looking at the sunlight coming through the window.
There’s no time for this. It was almost time to go to work. Normally, I would have woken up Woosang to eat breakfast together and chatted for a bit before leaving, but I didn’t want to do that now.
Because if I talked to Woosang, I felt like I would say something weak. Relieved by the quiet interior, I hurriedly prepared to leave.
Click.
I quietly opened the door and carefully closed it again. Just until a moment ago, I only had complicated thoughts, but when the cold air touched my cheeks, my heavy body felt much better.
After watching people passing by for a while, I headed to the store.
When I opened the door and entered, Natalie was sitting in the dark store.
“Oh, you startled me… You’re early?”
“Why are you here so early yourself?”
“I couldn’t sleep, so I was taking a walk and thought I’d have some coffee at the store. What about you?”
She pointed to the inventory piled up behind with her head. It seemed she came early for work. Unlike the typical locals, she was someone who definitely enjoyed working, which made her unique.
“Things haven’t been going well for me lately. I couldn’t sleep, so I came out.”
“I see….”
Unable to find the right words, I was at a loss when she chuckled.
“Unlike the locals, you seem to be quite conscious of others.”
“Haha. Is that so?”
I blinked at the unexpected comment. Certainly, compared to the Parisians who assert themselves strongly, I was a different kind of person. Maybe I didn’t fit in here.
But since there was someone who accepted me as I was, I didn’t think I needed to change. Maybe it’s okay to just be myself. Perhaps this is also a kind of stubbornness.
“Do you live doing what you want to do?”
At her somewhat detached voice, I stopped to think. What I want to do. Of course. Working here. Being with Woosang. There wasn’t anything I hadn’t wanted. They were all decisions I made following my heart.
Of course, there were also choices I couldn’t easily decide on and wandered about, but those were unavoidable.
‘Unavoidable things.’
I lightly stroked the clean, empty desk. One can’t live in this world doing only what one wants. But perhaps it’s good to do it if one can.
Even if it leads to bad results.
I already know what I’m worried about. Would my heart have wavered like this if I hadn’t heard Natalie’s words?
She handed me a warm coffee as I was lost in thought.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Facing her calm expression made me feel calmer too. My thoughts weren’t perfectly clear, but I was vaguely finding direction.
“Let’s start work after we drink this. I want to finish early and leave early today.”
“Is that okay?”
“Since we’ve worked hard, this much should be fine.”
I smiled a little, following her smile. The cheap instant coffee taste made me frown, but it wasn’t bad.
It will be alright. I recited those words again, which I usually mumble dozens of times a day.
Today, those words felt a bit special. I pushed away the empty cup and went to help Natalie with her work.
I liked this not-so-bad start to the day.
***
When I returned home, Woosang was watching the news.
“I’m home.”
“You’re early.”
Looking at him smiling at me, I turned my gaze to the TV from which a deep voice was flowing. I wondered why Woosang, who usually only read articles in newspapers or on the internet, had turned on the TV as I sat next to him to watch together, but most of the stories were disturbing.
“Were you watching TV?”
“Yes. Being at home all the time these days, I feel like I’m forgetting how to speak or listen.”
“I see.”
He still speaks so fluently, yet he feels like he’s forgetting? I thought about asking but just nodded my head.
“What’s wrong? You don’t like seeing another man?”
“…What? No.”
Because of him making mischievous remarks frequently these days, I felt like I was the one forgetting how to speak. As I hurriedly went into the bathroom, I heard laughter through the door.
Sometimes, even when I’m having serious thoughts, at times like this, they all felt foolish. Maybe Woosang knows my heart and is playing tricks on me.
After thinking serious thoughts all day, being with Woosang definitely made me feel less tense.
In the bathroom mirror, I saw myself with a calm expression. As if I were someone who could endure anything.
Very calmly.
