# Chapter 36
After going out, I returned home and was unwrapping my scarf when I heard Woosang’s voice from inside the room.
Thinking he might be calling for me, I listened carefully, but it seemed he was on a call. After hanging my coat on the rack, I headed toward his room, and his sharp voice was resonating throughout the space.
“I told you I’m fine. I just want to take a break for now. I already said no to that, just listen to me!”
Startled by his angry voice, I stared blankly, and Woosang, seemingly noticing my arrival, tried to soften his rigid expression.
After cautiously moving his lips with our eyes locked, Woosang began speaking in German so I couldn’t understand.
Despite his calm tone, I could tell he was angry from his sharp language. If he was speaking in German and French, it was certainly Bel on the other end.
Since he had never raised his voice at Bel like this before, I became anxious, wondering if something serious had happened.
After quietly expressing his anger for a while, Woosang closed his eyes and continued the conversation in an even calmer voice than before. Feeling like this was a conversation I shouldn’t hear, I quietly closed the door and went to the living room.
Somehow, the living room felt extremely spacious today. Even the sofa, which usually felt full with two people, couldn’t have been more spacious than today.
‘What are they talking about….’
Though I couldn’t understand the exact content, I could guess what topic they might be discussing. It was probably about Woosang’s work.
I had been expecting this since Woosang appeared looking so gaunt. If he had been working continuously, he wouldn’t look like this.
My stomach churned.
“You’re back already.”
“Yes. The place was closed because of the holiday.”
“Oh dear.”
I looked at the colorful flyer I had found on the street and brought back instead of the coffee beans I had planned to buy. Feeling like I should hide it, I hastily shoved it under the sofa. I had brought it to look at with Woosang, but it didn’t seem appropriate for the current situation.
Suddenly, the casual conversation between us felt awkward.
Just a few weeks ago, I had felt suffocated by his sharp attitude. But now, as if that day had been a lie, we were becoming more comfortable with each other than before.
Occasionally, Woosang would show a sharp attitude, but he also showed an appropriately warm side, giving me reasons not to let him go.
Then the phone call from earlier came to mind. Woosang wasn’t someone who lived solely through his relationship with me. He was different from me.
‘How long does he intend to take a break from work?’
If I hadn’t overheard his call with Bel, I might not have thought about Woosang’s work for a while.
“……”
As I sat silently on the sofa, Woosang came over, rested his forehead on my shoulder, and sighed softly.
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. It’s nothing.”
“……”
I could see anger plastered all over him, yet he pretended it was nothing.
“Did you only stop by one store? Didn’t you go to any others?”
“Ah.”
“It can’t be helped.”
He got up and headed to the kitchen. Following him, I asked very carefully.
“How’s Bel doing these days?”
“She seems busy with work.”
“Is that so?”
“Yes.”
He put down the teaspoon with a clatter, as if telling me not to ask any further.
Bel was busy, while he was staying here doing nothing. Could I still not ask him anything even in this situation?
The question ‘Aren’t you going back to Paris?’ wouldn’t leave my mind. But asking in this situation would surely anger Woosang.
I should have told him to go back to work. But I couldn’t say it. Because if he were to return to Paris, I didn’t know where I would stay.
If he goes back, would I go with him? Or would I stay here? Or perhaps Woosang might leave for Berlin alone.
Unable to find the right words among the various options, I rolled my eyes around.
“I can handle it alone, go sit on the sofa.”
Nodding at his dismissal, I headed to the sofa. Soon after, Woosang came toward me with two cups. That’s when I noticed something caught under his foot.
It was the flyer I had hidden.
Woosang looked at the paper caught on his foot with curious eyes, then put down the cups and checked it.
“What’s this?”
“Ah.”
“Alps tour? Are you planning to go? Where to? Switzerland? Or France?”
Actually, I didn’t know which tour it was. I tried to recall the content I hadn’t properly examined, but eventually shook my head.
“No. Someone insisted I take it, so I just brought it home.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
I had wanted to look at it together, but since the mood wasn’t right, I made an excuse. I snatched the flyer from his hand, erasing the snowy mountain scenery from my mind. Then I hastily stuffed it into the paper collection bin before heading back to the living room.
At my action, Woosang let out a sigh so soft it was barely audible. I thought I understood what that sigh meant, but at the same time, I had no idea.
Right now, our stability was more important than a trivial trip.
Woosang, still unmoving on the sofa, seemed lost in thought. Whenever I saw him quietly immersed in his thoughts like this, I felt somewhat scared.
And at the same time, I wanted to understand his heart.
“If you want to go, let me know where in advance. I’ll book the accommodation and flight tickets for you.”
“Pardon?”
“The trip.”
Finding words to respond to the unexpected answer that popped out of his mouth, I watched as Woosang sighed and drank his tea as if trying to suppress his frustration. It was hard to tell if he was blowing to cool the tea or exhaling out of frustration.
“I’m not going. I really don’t intend to go.”
“……”
He raised an eyebrow slightly, examining whether my words were sincere, then promptly replied that he understood. I raised my hand to tidy a stray lock of his hair sticking out to the side and whispered quietly.
“Are you going back to Paris?”
“…I have to. Whether for settling things or for work.”
“I see.”
Fortunately, a docile answer came from his lips. It seemed his thoughts had been sorted out somehow.
I suddenly recalled Woosang in Paris.
Back then, he appeared to have given up on everything, but he was also more passionate than anyone. That was my first impression of Woosang.
‘I felt a sense of kinship from the moment our eyes first met.’
There was such a time. Somehow, it felt like a very old story. Then, out of nowhere, an unexpected comment escaped my lips.
“Would you like to go on a trip?”
At my words, Woosang blinked, his expression showing he didn’t understand what I meant. His expression made me feel like I had said something strange, so I averted my gaze.
After talking about Paris, suddenly bringing up the Alps again – it was an obviously transparent excuse.
But Woosang, as if trying to play along with such a conversation shift, agreed.
“I thought you didn’t want to go.”
“Let’s go together. If you’ll go with me, I want to go.”
“It will be very cold and crowded if we go now, are you okay with that?”
“Yes. I’ve never been there, so I want to go.”
“Alright. Let’s go.”
Woosang answered in a calm voice. He seemed slightly relieved at the suggestion to go together. That was fortunate. I had been anxious that he might be forced to accompany me, but it seemed there was no need for such concern.
‘It would be nice if the mood could lighten a bit, like before….’
I had many things I wanted to talk about in the relaxed atmosphere while traveling. At first, I didn’t have much in mind, but now that the conversation had progressed, I was excited.
A trip just for the two of us. The previous Berlin trip could be considered a trip in a way, but it couldn’t be counted as a proper one.
‘If this trip ends successfully, surely Woosang would be able to build more trust in me than before.’
Suppressing the thoughts that were erupting, I turned my head to look at the sky full of dark clouds.
‘After the trip ends, let’s suggest going back to Paris.’
It’s not clear whether he would resume dancing there or prepare to leave for Berlin. But I thought that if I could lead him to Paris, everything would work out well.
And if we return to Paris, what form would our relationship take? Fear and anticipation were calmly accumulating in one corner of my heart.
***
For several days, Woosang seemed to be coordinating some schedule while talking with Bel. But seeing him converse in unintelligible German still made my stomach churn.
Whether or not he knew about my state, Woosang treated me with a consistent attitude. I tried not to show my depression in response to his demeanor.
After a meal, as we leaned against each other reading books on the sofa, Woosang abruptly spoke.
“The Alps. Which country would you like to go to?”
“…Which one do you think is good?”
“You really didn’t look into it at all, did you?”
“I’ll check.”
At his words, I felt a pang of realization and opened my laptop. Woosang closed the laptop that was opening as if it wasn’t necessary, and asked me.
“Since we’re going, shall we go to a different country? Other than France….”
“Hmm, yes.”
With absolutely no knowledge, all I could do was nod. Woosang looked at me as if there was no helping it.
“By the way, why did you suddenly want to go to the Alps?”
“I really just brought the flyer I received.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
He kept his suspicious gaze while taking the closed laptop to start looking for flight tickets.
“To Switzerland?”
“Switzerland?”
“Have you been there?”
“No.”
I shook my head. He instantly determined our destination. At some point, he stopped asking me much. I knew it was consideration. While I appreciated the consideration, it still felt awkward.
With Woosang’s quick action, there probably wouldn’t be much for me to do this time either. Still, now that the destination was set, I figured I should look up some things as well.
How long had it been since I went somewhere with snow piled up? Before coming to Paris, the place I stayed after leaving my hometown wasn’t that cold either. I had gradually moved to warmer places to live.
I had gradually distanced myself from my severely cold hometown.
My hometown was a place where one had to live buried in snow for long periods. That place, where snow piled up deeply, didn’t feel lonely despite being isolated.
Looking back now, I think I was lonely back then too. But at that time, I hadn’t encountered happy worlds through books, nor had I thought deeply about happiness.
The snowy scenery from back then would flicker in my mind now. Do I miss that place? Perhaps it’s just a simple fantasy.
Snow doesn’t fall often in Brussels or Paris. That bitingly cold sensation can’t be experienced often here either. Despite the now quite warm weather, I deliberately moved closer to Woosang and leaned against him. Then, as my eyes met Woosang’s gaze, I felt a peculiar tremor.
“This time, you’ll stay by my side the whole time, right?”
“……”
“Why aren’t you answering?”
“Don’t be anxious.”
He reached out and tightly gripped my middle finger. It felt like a sharp anxiety was being transmitted.
The words I could say were predetermined. That’s why I had to say them.
“I won’t leave.”
