# Chapter 28
After struggling to get home yesterday, I drank all night again. At this point, it felt like alcohol was flowing through my veins instead of blood, but I didn’t know how to stop.
Groaning, I drank a cup of hot water. It seemed to settle my stomach somewhat. Looking into empty space with sunken eyes, I opened my email inbox.
Recently, I had spent all my remaining money searching for Teo. I was at the very end now. If this attempt turned up empty too, I would have no means left to find Teo.
The first time I hired someone to find him, I was scammed, and the second time as well.
Who could I trust from the beginning anyway? It was because I couldn’t trust anyone that I came to like Teo.
Looking at my empty inbox again today, I covered my eyes with my hand. Even the barely shining sunlight bothered me.
Ding-
While I was curled up on the bed, an alert sounded. It was a notification that an email had arrived.
I sat up abruptly and turned on my phone to check the email. Surprisingly, the email contained Teo’s side profile and an unfamiliar address.
“Ha….”
I finally found him. The clue to his whereabouts, which hadn’t shown a single strand of hair for months, was now right before my eyes.
“The address is… Belgium….”
I let out a hollow laugh at the ridiculous address. I tried to stay calm, but anger rose to the top of my head once again.
From his appearance in the photo, he didn’t seem to have been kidnapped or imprisoned. His sunken cheeks seemed to tell of his hardships, yet his seemingly ordinary expression felt like it was taunting me.
“Haha, looks like you ran away and lived well on your own.”
My breath caught, and I felt like I might fall backward at any moment. But I couldn’t let that happen. Even if it killed me, I had to meet him.
I felt like I needed to ruin him as much as he had ruined me to feel better. I had to. Or I would make sure he couldn’t leave completely. There were many ways.
Looking down with tension, I noticed my hands were trembling. I couldn’t fully distinguish whether it was relief or anger.
But before that, there was something I needed to do. I called with my shaking hands.
“…Hello.”
[Hello? What’s wrong?]
Bel’s voice somehow reassured me. She was the only stability I had left. We couldn’t love each other, but that’s why we were the deepest of companions.
“I… I finally found him.”
[…..]
She was silent.
“Teo is in Belgium. He wasn’t in France….”
[…Why. Why did you have to find him.]
Just leave him alone.
Her lamenting voice made me sad.
She murmured, representing my ruined and forgotten life.
[I thought that you, with time passing, would forget. Because it’s you. That’s how we managed to get along well.]
“Are you disappointed that I’ve changed?”
[No. I wasn’t trying to blame you. But, you know, right? You’ll definitely regret it. Do you think he’ll be the same as before when you meet him again? He’s already abandoned you and left.]
“I know. I know that.”
[And you’re still going? Hmm? How long are you going to stay like this?]
“I already know that even without you saying it!”
My breath caught with my heightened voice.
I hated her for reminding me of facts I already knew. Even knowing I had no right to hate her, I couldn’t help it. This must be how I’ve changed.
“You’re going to abandon me too, aren’t you?”
[Why would I abandon you? Please come to your senses now. How long are you going to stand still?]
Each of her words struck me like daggers. Her words came down as if slicing me to pieces.
‘What can I do.’
Since I as a person have been changed by Teo, how could I not change? He has altered my life so much.
So now there was only one answer.
[Don’t seek salvation from people. You shouldn’t do that.]
‘What, what do you know about me.’
I was about to spit out accusatory words. I couldn’t talk anymore. I wanted to hang up right there, but I told her I would end the call and then terminated it.
Yes. Salvation can’t be sought from people. But at the very least, people can help someone. I came to know that.
I won’t give up. If I meet him again and feel the same joy as before, I won’t let Teo go this time.
Even if it brings destruction to both of us, it can’t be helped.
***
I booked a flight to Belgium and cleaned my house. It was something I was doing for the first time in nearly two months.
The house, which had become a mess, was in shambles everywhere, but after cleaning for a while, it was starting to look somewhat decent. In fact, after organizing the broken items, there weren’t many things left in the house.
It’s fine. I can buy them again when I return.
“When I return…”
Will I be able to return at all?
Originally, I was planning to leave for Berlin with Teo. But now, I disliked both this place and Berlin. I wanted to live alone with him somewhere where there was no one else. The only ones who understood should be just the two of us.
I gathered the trash to throw away and exhaled deeply. The streetlights were all lit in the dark sky. The time was 5 PM. Goodbye to this damn dark city now.
Even if I go somewhere else, this sky would remain unchanged, but at least Teo is there.
‘If he’s there, I can endure anywhere.’
As I blankly stared at the streetlight, a tear dropped below my chin. I couldn’t guess what the tear was for.
“…You were probably walking around just fine after throwing me in the trash.”
Suddenly, Teo’s face from the picture I received came to mind, and it felt like I was falling into an abyss in an instant.
Why have I become so blindly devoted to him? As Bel said, I might be chasing something that doesn’t exist.
What am I hoping for from someone who ruined me and disappeared as he pleased?
But what was certain was that I needed him.
***
The sound of trampled snow was irritating.
I thought the feeling of snow had been satisfying until just now, but not anymore.
Hund’s back, walking about four steps ahead of me, came into view. Suddenly, I wanted to ask him something.
“Hey.”
“……”
“Since when have we known each other?”
I couldn’t remember. I clearly remembered since when I had known the previous ‘Hund’. He had taken me to France, and that was my most vivid memory.
But him? When exactly was it?
Hund turned around and looked at me. His vacant eyes felt cold.
“……”
He didn’t answer in the end. I didn’t necessarily need an answer, but the unnatural silence was unpleasant.
“Since when was it?”
“Shut up and just walk.”
Since when were we close.
That was true. In a relationship that had never been familiar, chit-chat was unnecessary. I was just curious.
Not long after, I saw a familiar car. It seems the time for talking is over. I got into the car and took a breath, but the musty air of the car made me feel nauseous.
He started the engine as if nothing was wrong and drove quietly.
As I opened a bundle of papers lying on the back seat, I realized we were heading to Paris. After running away, we’re going back to Paris again.
It was strange.
He clearly had abandoned me in Belgium to isolate me without any reason. It was extremely troublesome. But I wasn’t curious. All the answers would be useless anyway.
This was fine. Just like this. I just needed to curl inward again.
We headed to Paris for 4 hours on a journey that would take only an hour and a half by train. Looking at Hund driving in front, I closed my eyes. I thought he might yell at me for sleeping, but no loud voice was heard.
He is in Paris. Yun Woosang. I missed him. If I could just briefly meet Woosang, I wouldn’t mind dying like this.
Longing approached little by little. It was unbearably cold.
***
It seems I had dozed off, as when I looked around, it was dark everywhere. We appeared to be driving on the highway. Even though I had fallen asleep and woken up, there was still no warmth in the car. Hund’s face, driving silently, didn’t show even the slightest movement.
He looked like a dead person. I wouldn’t be much different. My face, pale as a corpse, and the dark circles under my eyes made it seem like I might collapse at any moment.
The flesh that Woosang had carefully put on me had disappeared within months. If a little more time passes, I might die unable to endure the misery, just as Hund wishes.
If so, would it be better to escape before that? What would happen if I ran away to see Woosang?
Hund didn’t seem like he would kill me right away. Though he might kill Woosang outright. That can’t happen. I can’t involve Woosang again.
At that moment, I felt that Hund knew me very well. That’s why he left an element that could be held and shaken.
Not long after, brilliant lights poured down on us.
It seems we have arrived in Paris.
The city where my misfortune began.
Hund gestured for me to get out. Following his words, I got out of the car and looked around. Of all places, it was the familiar 7th district. A strange nostalgia washed over me.
“Wait here.”
“Yes.”
With that answer, I stood in a corner of the alley, following the bright lights with my eyes. The lights seemed like they would blind me.
What would happen if I ran away now and headed to Woosang’s house? What would happen to me if I saw Woosang alive?
My eyes involuntarily turned toward where he lived. I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t help it.
My breathing quickened. I need to go now. Now. I had to go now while Hund wasn’t here.
But what if he’s watching me? It might be a test. He might kill me right here in this narrow city.
‘Since when did I become afraid of death?’
At this moment, I was completely a living being. Me, afraid of death. It was a situation I had never imagined.
Somehow, I felt cold sweat. Would I leave like this? Or would I remain as his dog?
‘I need to. I need to decide.’
I slightly moved the tips of my feet. Fortunately, my feet weren’t stuck to the ground. My fingertips were the same. My breathing became rough. I needed to leave now.
‘Where to? To Woosang? What’s the possibility that he hasn’t forgotten me in the first place?’
Thinking of Woosang looking at me with a cold gaze brought a fear stronger than death.
I didn’t have the confidence to endure it. Just imagining it made my heart race wildly.
At that moment.
“Hey.”
Huk. I gasped in surprise, and a familiar hand firmly gripped my shoulder. The breath touching my ear was only rough. And he said to me in a low voice.
“What are you thinking about?”
