# Chapter 27
Someone was crying in a dark space. I approached the familiar hair and gestures, slowly gripping their shoulder, and he met my gaze.
“Teo.”
I called his name. Teo, who had been crying without answering, looked at me. Somehow, his unfocused gaze only felt eerie.
Afraid he might disappear, I embraced him tightly, but his body, devoid of warmth, went limp.
It’s all a dream. I know. I knew this was all a dream. Nevertheless, I couldn’t leave him as he grew colder.
I hugged him desperately, hoping my warmth would transfer to him, but nothing changed.
Don’t die. Those futile words vanished below my throat. How should I deal with you, who abandoned me like this yet still torments me in dreams?
‘I could have given you everything.’
And in reality, I did. Because of him, I threw everything away and gave him everything I could.
My secrets, pain, and loss. I was fine with abandoning them all to you.
Yet I still wanted to meet him again. ‘I have to meet Teo.’ My reason shouted earnestly.
‘You have to find me.’
He murmured.
***
I opened my eyes and looked around.
It was my home. Somehow, it felt like I’d been wandering in a dream for a long time. When I checked the time, about 5 hours had passed since I fell asleep. That’s a long sleep for me.
After Teo left, I couldn’t sleep even 3 hours a day. I lay awake, just waiting for tomorrow to come. That was all I could do.
Every night, I’d be angry that he abandoned me, but by morning, I’d be consumed by thoughts that he might have been taken somewhere.
What if he’s waiting for me to rescue him? Or what if it’s already too late, and he’s gone cold, thrown away in some nameless place?
‘Then how should I live from now on?’
I recalled his blank expression from my dream, muttering for me to find him.
I swung my hand and struck down the cup placed beside the bed. Along with a shattering sound, an excruciating pain shot through the back of my hand.
It was pain like evidence that I was still alive.
“Haah…”
I got up and stepped on the scattered fragments, heading to the living room. The place, already a mess, had nowhere to step.
I couldn’t remember when it had changed like this. Anyway, all I did at home was wait for the broker’s call and drink.
I quit my job long ago. I thought dancing would make me feel better, but even the dance I loved so much was losing its meaning to me.
At first, when Teo rejected me, dancing would somewhat calm my heart. But this time was different.
I couldn’t know the clear answer. If I knew the answer, I would have quickly found a way out of this situation.
A life without attaching meaning was peaceful. But once I found something that made my heart race, everything became anxious instead. How ironic.
I went to the bathroom, roughly washing the wound on the back of my hand with water, and similarly wiping the wounds on the soles of my feet with a towel.
“I have to go out.”
You never know. He might have slipped back into this city without my knowledge, seducing someone.
If I meet him, could I let him live? Is he even alive to begin with?
My lips trembled.
I couldn’t be more miserable.
***
Winter had deepened, and even though it was only 3 PM, the sun was setting. I could never get used to Europe’s damn winter.
Chewing on my irritation, I blinked.
Looking around, I saw people who were drinking from this hour, comforting their loneliness and the cold.
I used to find such people so pathetic, but now I was no different, which made me smirk.
I hadn’t even fully sobered up, yet I found myself heading towards a bar, which was amusing.
“Hello.”
“Yes.”
Hearing a casual greeting, I took a seat in a corner of the bar. Feeling glances flicking my way, I placed my order.
“Just one beer, please.”
The clerk nodded. While blankly waiting for the beer to arrive, I counted the decorative bottles at the bar. After pouring alcohol down every day, somehow even just looking at bottles of strong whiskey made me nauseous.
It was absurd. I, who had never been drunk in my life, now sought alcohol every day hoping to get drunk.
These were days far from the life I had pursued.
Unemotional days, living only for set goals without being swept away by anything. That was the daily life I wanted.
But look at me now.
Because of just one person, I’ve let go of everything and am just building up anger endlessly.
I shouldn’t have met him. Then I would have been happy.
But if I were to meet him again, I’d want to scream at him to give me back my life right away. I felt like I’d only be relieved if I could slash that face that smiled so softly as if only happiness existed in the world.
“Fuck…”
Just then, the clerk brought my beer.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
A different clerk from earlier responded with a bright smile. And then he lingered in front of me, watching me. He seemed to have something to say.
Though it was annoying, I smiled brightly and drank my beer silently. The man pointed at the glass I hadn’t even finished yet and said:
“Would you like more beer?”
“I’m fine for now. But thank you.”
“Where are you from?”
He seemed to be trying something cheap. It was a common occurrence. Though I’m somewhat tall, I’m not that bulky, so I often received advances when wandering the city alone.
Such things were fine at first, but the longer I lived in Paris, the more sensitive and difficult to remain calm I became.
Knowing this fact, Bel made sure to stay by my side. She, being asexual, got along well with me.
“I’m from Korea.”
“Is that so? You speak so well I thought you were from France.”
“Haha.”
Having heard this more than a thousand times, I couldn’t bring myself to say thank you. Especially on a day like today, I wanted to punch that clerk’s face, but I held it in.
The clerk leaned towards me and noticed the wound on my hand, showing a surprised expression.
“Are you okay?”
The touch that gently stroked the back of my hand felt disgusting.
‘Was it always this feeling when someone touched me…?’
I don’t think it was. When I touched Teo, I realized how pleasant human warmth could be.
But it seems like for me, only Teo’s heat was warmth.
I carefully pulled my hand away and waved it off, saying I was fine. Then I downed the beer in one go, paid, and left the place.
My emotions, which had been somewhat calmed by the alcohol, began to run wild.
I felt nauseous.
Some people frowned and moved away from me as I staggered due to the alcohol at this hour. I was rather pleased with that sight.
As I blankly looked down at the back of my hand where the man had touched earlier, somehow the wounds felt dirty.
“Ha, haha…”
I forced a smile, pulling up the corners of my mouth. Tears were about to leak out. It was all useless struggling.
I went into an empty alley and took a deep breath. Only wheezing, deflated sounds circulated in my ears. Something seemed seriously wrong.
After grabbing my swaying vision as if I were seasick and leaning against a wall, my spinning view stabilized. I wanted to vomit out everything inside, but somehow I couldn’t.
At that moment, I heard movement at the end of the alley. Somehow those footsteps felt familiar. They sounded like his footsteps that I knew.
“…Teo?”
The staggering footsteps grew louder. I wanted to cover my ears from that sound growing unbearably loud, but fortunately, it stopped after a while.
The problem was that the sound stopped right in front of me.
“Are you okay?”
I looked up to see a man looking down at me with a concerned expression. The man had familiar olive-colored eyes.
“Unfortunately, my name is not Teo. Are you waiting for someone?”
“No… No.”
“Can I help you?”
No. That word swirled in my mouth, but I couldn’t spit it out. I needed help.
Damn it, I needed some kind of help to find my lovely lover. Was that it? No, if I could forget him, I wouldn’t need any help.
“…Yes. Can you help me a bit?”
“Sure. Do you want to go to a hospital? Or just get some fresh air?”
“Just… You’re very kind.”
I looked at the man with a small smile. His bewildered eyes were easily caught in my sight. His awkward appearance seemed quite nice.
His clumsy actions and surprised expression resembled someone. I was projecting that someone onto him.
I liked his eyes that resembled Teo’s too. Maybe I could forget. Why had I blindly rushed to Teo?
Even I couldn’t understand.
It was probably because of his sorrowful appearance. Looking at him, who always seemed lonely, I thought he resembled me.
I looked at the man who was grabbing my arm and helping me up. Though he had similar eyes and speech patterns to Teo, I couldn’t feel that emotion that had settled in a corner of my heart back then.
“Are you a local?”
Suddenly I asked the man. He exerted strength to guide my swaying body.
“No. Haha, if it’s difficult for you to steady yourself, would you like to come to my place?”
“What?”
“You seem to like me.”
“……”
When I lifted my head, the man was looking at me with a completely different expression than before.
My heart grew heavy at his somewhat excited expression and strangely quickened speech. The man I had thought resembled Teo until just now was nowhere to be seen.
What was present was the sleazy human I had always faced.
‘Ah, right, that’s it.’
I instantly realized why I had come to like Teo. That realization made me feel even more miserable.
My breath was suddenly choked. It felt like someone was strangling me. I removed my arm from the man’s grip and shook my head.
Then, trying to suppress the emotions bursting out as much as possible, I said politely:
“I’m sorry. I’m fine now.”
“What? Are you really going to leave like this?”
A surprised voice was heard from behind. I wanted to go and punch his face a few times right away, but I suppressed it and smiled.
“Yes. I just remembered where I need to go.”
“Are you really leaving?”
He seemed to be calling me back several times, but realizing he was being ignored, the man fortunately went his own way.
I let out a long, thick breath. Until just now, I was gasping as if I would die, but reality pulled me back.
I knew why I could walk properly now. And I also remembered that I was completely alone here.
I hated him for making me a perfect stranger. I was so happy when I didn’t know I was alone, why can’t I find a way to go back?
I knew better than anyone that I couldn’t go back.
I knew it until my whole body grew cold.
