“Ruben,”
“I hate it, I hate it, I hate iiit, die, just die, ah, aaah!”
“……………”
Ruben’s crying showed no signs of stopping. It seemed to be true that he was a VIP of this club, as no one tried to stop Ruben. But I could feel that the curious gazes, which had numbered only a few, were increasing.
In the midst of it all, I just looked at Ruben. If he was in such a vulnerable state, I could probably hypnotize him again.
Hypnotizing someone who has lost their composure from extreme anger, deep sadness, or overflowing joy can be considered one of the basics of hypnosis.
I couldn’t find even a trace of composure in Ruben right now. If I wanted to, I could make it as if all of this had never happened in the first place. I could return to being lovers with Ruben, to being the lover he cherished.
But I didn’t want to do that.
I didn’t feel like doing it.
Until just moments ago, I’d thought I just needed to fix it. But Ruben’s screams had awakened something that had been sleeping inside me.
‘No matter how devoted I am, what comes back is….’
I had thought Ruben would change. But even with built-up trust, Ruben had tested me. And in a way I could absolutely never tolerate, he had tried to test me.
Through the one act I could absolutely never tolerate. Through infidelity, he had tried to test me.
What Ruben had awakened was my sense of reality. I realized that no matter how devoted I was to the devil named Ruben Rikov, the expectation that he would respond to that devotion was nothing but delusion.
“…Ruben. You remember everything, don’t you.”
“You piece of trash, you, fucking, urk, hk, uhuung….”
Even to my own ears, my voice had sunk endlessly cold. Even seeing the existence I loved, had believed I loved, suffering and raging in agony, my compassion and affection had already dried up.
“…What… exactly do you hate so much.”
“Fu-fucking bastard, that’s, calling that,”
“I did everything for you. Whatever you wanted… didn’t I do everything? The words you wanted to hear, the treatment you wanted to receive, everything, everything I did. I was your ideal lover…!”
If I’d only wanted his body, if I’d only wanted the status of being his lover, I wouldn’t have needed to go through all that trouble. I could have simply put him in a cataleptic state to have sex, or made him into a doll in a behavioral acceptance state that only gave me the reactions I wanted.
But I loved Ruben as a human being. I tried to love even his demonic nature. Because I loved his individuality, I hypnotized Ruben within limits that wouldn’t harm it.
“But, but, what is this treatment?!”
My voice grew rough. The woman who had been beside Ruben was already gone. I grabbed Ruben’s shoulders, made him stand up straight, and grabbed his arm.
“Outdoor sex? Drugging me? And, in, in front of my eyes, sex with another woman? What the hell are you, you, you thought I was a woman… to your girlfriend, why did you do that? Why on earth would you do such a thing…!”
“…Ha,”
“You told me, I was sp-special… to someone special, why, why, do this…?”
Along with the rage that twisted my insides, my vision stung. I questioned him without even knowing what answer I wanted to hear. Somewhere, deep in my heart… I hoped he would deny it.
I had definitely deceived him. I hid that I was male and hypnotized Ruben to see me as a woman. But as a woman, I had done my best for him.
I wasn’t confused that Ruben, now free from hypnosis, was disgusted by me. I despaired that despite becoming his ideal woman, I hadn’t gained Ruben’s love. Even after becoming someone he considered special, my body trembled with anxiety that I wouldn’t gain his love. So I desperately hoped Ruben would deny it even a little. That what that woman said earlier was all lies, that there must have been some mistake.
“…Fuck, no, it’s not…!”
But what came back was Ruben’s scream.
“You fucking bastard, you, you, think you’re that special?!”
“…Huh?”
“What you did, just making breakfast and sucking dick, with that, with that you think you became special?!”
Ruben shouted in a hoarse voice. I felt the blood draining from my hands and feet. His words that everything I’d done was nothing became a dull pain heavily striking my head.
“You fucking bitch, bitches who do that are so common you’d trip over them in the street! Even if it wasn’t you, bitches who did that much were overflowing!”
“……”
“You vermin bastard, so, did you like it? Did you like being told you were loved for just doing that? You must have! A stupid fuck like you gets fooled by that kind of talk, wasn’t it fucking hilarious? The way you grinned when I praised you a little was so fucking pathetic, you retarded bastard!”
Stop. Please stop. It sounds like my affection is being torn to shreds. My efforts were nothing. Hearing that it wasn’t anything special to him at all, my vision seemed to darken. Whether the drug effects still remained, his words were dismantled and fragmented.
“Ah, you’re so retarded that’s why you’re still like this?! Right! You pathetic bastard who wasted your life working as a pimp at brothels and strip clubs while others were dating and getting jobs!”
“…Ngh……”
“I feel sorry for your mom and dad who sent a retard like you to university. Even getting into debt…. Ha! You couldn’t even give the parents who spent money like that a diploma, could you?”
Ruben raised the corners of his mouth in a smile. A smile he made to gouge me out with the vivid murderous intent in his eyes, with venom like a snake’s tongue.
“If your mom had aborted you before giving birth, at least she would have saved money…!”
Thud.
A loud sound rang out.
Was it the sound of my world ending? Or was it the sound of me collapsing because Ruben had finally killed me with words?
It was neither.
It was the sound of Ruben tumbling to the floor along with the table.
“Hk…. Hk….”
I thought I heard strange breathing sounds, and it was coming from my mouth. Ruben, collapsed on the floor in the spilled alcohol, looked at me as if he couldn’t believe it and touched the corner of his mouth. Whether his mouth had split, blood clearly smeared out.
“You… you, you hit me?”
Ruben muttered as if he couldn’t believe it. Only then did I realize I was clenching my fist. My tightly clenched fist was damp with sweat.
“I knew it, you disgusting savage! Everything’s inferior, so violence comes first, right? You retarded bastard, I was the one who hired someone like you….”
“It’s all because of you!”
I ended up shouting. Behind my love for Ruben, that passion, there was an emotion I had always consciously wanted to avoid. It was growing in size. Swelling up in an instant, trying to burst out of my mouth.
“Why is that,”
“I, I, o-only trusted you…! If it weren’t for you, university, debt…!”
Unrefined words came out of my mouth. Ruben shouted something. I shouted too, not to be outdone. The content didn’t matter. Only this moment’s emotion, the hatred burning me, filled everything.
I hadn’t wanted much.
I hoped Ruben would think of me as special. I wanted to fix Ruben. I wanted to be helpful to Ruben.
I had only wanted that from the beginning. In university, and now, I had only wanted to be helpful to the person I loved.
But no matter how much I gave up, this person wouldn’t acknowledge it. He mocked those who sacrificed something for him and despised those who made efforts for him.
Ruben was that kind of person. Ruben wasn’t hurt—he was just that kind of person.
“Ha…. Ha, hah, hk, ah, hahahaha!”
Laughter suddenly burst out. I couldn’t bear it otherwise. I was ridiculous. I, who had harbored futile hope and circled around him for years, was unbearably ridiculous.
“Don’t laugh, don’t laugh, you fucking bastard!”
Ruben jumped up and grabbed my collar. He raised his fist as if he would hit me at any moment, but couldn’t hit me. Seeing that, I realized. Control was still with me. I could still do whatever I wanted with Ruben.
“Ha, hahaha, now, now I understand. Now I understand!”
“Wh-what, what, again, what are you trying to do,”
Ruben’s face froze pale. Abandoning himself to momentary anger, and once again not properly thinking about the consequences—that was Ruben.
He seemed to have just now remembered that I could hypnotize him again.
“…U-ungh…!”
Fear filled Ruben’s wide-open eyes. Before I could say anything, Ruben roughly pushed me away. When I released his collar at the sudden resistance, Ruben stumbled and tried to escape from this seat.
“Ruben…!”
“D-don’t follow me…!”
He seemed to want to run straight for the exit, but unfortunately this club was crowded. But Ruben was strong. The muscles forming his body were flexible and strong, and he had feet as fast as his fists. No matter how crowded it was, Ruben could have easily escaped from the club.
If, that is, I had been someone who couldn’t hypnotize.
“Stop.”
