***
When I was in second grade of elementary school, hyung-nim turned twenty and entered university. That I, who didn’t even know what high school was, came to know the wide world of university following high school was all thanks to Jeongwoo hyung-nim.
It wouldn’t be wrong to say my world expanded throughout my life through Jeongwoo hyung-nim.
To me, hyung-nim was the coolest and smartest person in the world.
And until I, who was ten years old, turned twenty, hyung-nim had been living as a proper adult in society.
Meeting someone, laughing, getting drunk, loving, breaking up—experiencing such things over more than 10 years is perfectly natural.
And yet, the moment I saw the condom wrapper in the half-open wallet, my heart sank for no reason.
“Have you really never heard about hyung-nim’s girlfriend? Really, I’m not the only one who hasn’t heard about it all this time, am I?”
– Yeah, there hasn’t been anything?
“Not even from Imo?”
– Yeah, even our mom probably doesn’t know? Strangely, he’d rather die than talk about that stuff.
How did I only find out about this now? I only knew everyday aspects about hyung-nim. But even Jeongyeon, his real younger sibling, is the same.
“I see……”
Things like how he always drinks warm coffee in the morning, or reads books before sleeping.
Things like how a person who only shows a clean and neat appearance outside also walks around naked in the house where he lives with his parents, or how he really hates having clothes carelessly laid out on the bed or sofa.
I only knew such trivial habits but didn’t know anything truly important.
Maybe right now, Jeongwoo hyung-nim could be in a passionate relationship for 10 years with someone on the premise of marriage. And how he kept emphasizing to me that I’m at an age to date casually…….
– Now that I think about it, it’s super suspicious. Does our hyung have some weird taste or something?
I want to know even if he has weird tastes.
Whether hyung-nim has an ideal type, what kind of people he’s met, and also what he protects and what he gives up when he loves.
I’d never once heard such stories from hyung-nim’s mouth. He told me that kissing is something you do with someone precious you’ve known for a long time, but I couldn’t know whether Jeongwoo hyung-nim actually does that when he meets someone.
– Honestly, looking at Yoo Jeongwoo’s personality, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s never had a girlfriend. He’s not the type to date someone seriously. He’ll probably live his whole life single and have to marry himself, right? He’s the best in the world after all.
“Do you really think so……?”
I desperately hoped so, but thinking about what I saw earlier, the possibility seemed slim.
– But why are you suddenly asking about our hyung’s dating history? Don’t tell me our hyung is dating?
“Huh? No, it’s not that……. Jeongyeon-ah, I need to do my assignment now! I’ll call you later.”
Tears suddenly blurred my vision, so I hastily hung up. In front of me, the sushi remained in its takeout container.
Honestly, I didn’t want to eat any of it, but I opened the package anyway. I picked up one salmon sushi with chopsticks and put it in my mouth.
As expected, sushi eaten alone wasn’t tasty at all.
Normally I would have been delighted after eating just one piece, but even the feeling of the rice spreading in my mouth was strangely off-putting and unpleasant. After forcing myself to eat one or two pieces, I put down my chopsticks and threw the barely eaten sushi straight into the food waste bin.
“I can’t believe I’m throwing away sushi.”
Sushi was a menu I enjoyed eating every time, even if not as much as pork belly, but this was the first time for something like this.
Normally I would have eaten two plates plus udon…… The pain of unrequited love was this terrifying.
“Oh.”
After throwing away the sushi, I belatedly thought, what if hyung-nim sees this?
But hyung-nim might not come home today. At the thought that came to mind carelessly, I became spiteful without realizing it.
“Who carries that kind of thing in their wallet, to use it anytime?”
I’d never even imagined where to store condoms. I don’t know how others do it either. Because I’ve never needed one.
Even though I became an adult, unlike other Omegas, I’d never experienced heat, so I knew even less about it.
“……He must have needed it often.”
Living with the object of your unrequited love means having to see sides of that person you don’t want to know.
Even though I’d been in the closest place to hyung-nim for a long time, I actually knew nothing about hyung-nim. Maybe that’s why it was such a shock.
“So annoying……”
I glared at the empty sushi wrapper for no reason, then returned to my room in a gloomy mood and turned on my laptop.
I had to start the assignment Han Seoyoung told me about in the classroom now.
The scope was wide, the required word count was high, and why was the submission date so soon? My head was complicated, and trying to read such things meant not a single sentence entered my eyes.
I kept thinking about hyung-nim. Where is he now? Who is he with? What is he doing?
And that thing I saw in the wallet kept appearing before my eyes. I shook my head. Let’s not think about it. Let’s just do the assignment.
Even while thinking that, the fingers placed on the keyboard didn’t move easily.
Hyung-nim is an existence equivalent to my entire world. And every aspect of the world has truths that are better not known.
I actually know nothing about hyung-nim.
Thinking I knew Jeongwoo hyung-nim well was all my delusion.
***
It was getting late at night. Beyond the closed door, I heard the front door opening softly.
It’s hyung-nim.
After agonizing for a while, I hastily closed my laptop, turned off the lights, and slipped into the blanket. I had to at least pretend to be asleep. Today, at least, I didn’t have the courage to face hyung-nim when he returned.
Before I knew it, the clock was pointing to almost 12 o’clock. It wouldn’t be strange to be asleep at this time.
I heard footsteps in the hallway. Hyung-nim’s characteristically quiet and restrained gait. The footsteps continued a bit more outside, then stopped in front of my door.
And knock knock. The sound of knocking on the door came.
“Hajin-ah, are you asleep?”
I clenched the blanket within reach with my eyes closed.
A moment of silence passed, and the door opened cautiously.
I held my breath. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to breathe regularly like a sleeping person.
I felt signs of hyung-nim approaching the bed. The shadow cast over the blanket swayed in the faint light.
Hyung-nim carefully stroked my head. Slowly, as if soothing a baby.
“Why did you throw away all the sushi, hm?”
Hyung-nim’s voice rang out low. I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer.
“I bought the most delicious one. How upsetting.”
Hyung-nim’s hand stroked my head once more.
Soft, warm touch. Hyung-nim’s warmth seeped between my hair.
After a moment, I heard the sound of something being placed beside the bed. When I opened my eyes slightly, it was a bear doll. That bear doll hyung-nim had given me as a gift before, which was always beside my bed. I quickly closed my eyes again.
I thought he’d leave after putting the doll beside me, but hyung-nim slightly lifted the blanket. Then he put the doll in my arms and stroked my head again.
“……Sleep well, Hajin-ah.”
The hand that had been stroking my head for a long time fell away. For a moment, hyung-nim’s voice was heard very close. Close enough to feel warm breath.
Then the footsteps slowly grew distant, and the door closed carefully.
What the?
I bolted upright the moment the door closed. My eyes were brighter now than ever.
“Hyung-nim, why……”
Why do you come into my room on your own? Why is your voice so affectionate?
If you’re only going to treat me like a baby in the end, why do you come into my room on your own, why do you touch my head?
Suddenly, the disappointment and resentment I’d been suppressing since the car came rushing in.
Should I say I felt a bit of spite? I sat on the bed and waited for quite a while. The sound of hyung-nim showering, the sound of a door closing, the faint sound of footsteps. Until all those sounds ended and the house became completely quiet.
I slowly got up, steeling my resolve.
Since hyung-nim came into my room first on his own, I’m going to enter hyung-nim’s room too.
Because there’s something I absolutely must confirm.
I stealthily stepped into the dark hallway.
When I stood in front of hyung-nim’s door, I hesitated for a moment, but I carefully turned the doorknob.
I opened the door slightly. Hyung-nim’s room had the lights off, and only the faint light seeping in from the living room illuminated the desk and clothes hanger.
It’s the suit jacket hyung-nim wore when he went out today.
