No matter how much I try to persuade them, a single word from hyung-nim and everything turns to bubbles.
“Now that I think about it, you’re not even an alpha but an omega, how could we let you live alone? Moreover, you’re still such a baby, there are more than one or two things to worry about.”
“Right, why else would Jeongwoo tell you to be careful? No matter how awkward things have been lately, Jeongwoo cherishes you like his own younger brother.”
“That’s right, that’s right. Where else can you find someone like Jeongwoo? I wish our Hajin would grow up to be like that.”
“Even though he seems prickly outside, he’s family-oriented. How much he looks after his siblings.”
The kitchen instantly became a venue for praising the perfect son next door. Unable to speak, I just stood there blankly in front of my laughing parents, watching this absurd situation.
“Oh my, now that I think about it, Jeongwoo moved back home recently too. Even Jeongwoo isn’t living alone, so where would you go? Not a chance.”
“Our prince, don’t mess around and live with mom and dad for a long, long time~”
Unable to bear it anymore, I took a step back. I was so frustrated I couldn’t stand it.
“Where are you going? You need to eat.”
I can’t back down like this. I looked between mom and dad and shook my head.
“…I’m not eating.”
In this situation, the only rebellion I could manage was a hunger strike.
***
After returning to my room, I immediately found my phone rolling around on the bed and turned it on.
Because I’d been out of it since last night, my phone battery was almost dead.
I logged into SNS, which I don’t usually check often. Everyone there seemed happy, but I alone seemed pathetic.
The first person to appear on the feed was naturally Jeongyeon, who was always active on SNS.
When I clicked on the profile surrounded by a rainbow-colored ring, more than ten photos appeared in succession, showing stories from 23 hours ago to 5 hours ago of him apparently having a drinking party at a friend’s house.
Having partied all night like that, I could clearly picture him sleeping soundly now during the weekend afternoon.
He went to college and drank with friends just like me, but Jeongyeon’s and my situations seemed completely different.
Moreover, Jeongyeon wasn’t the only one having fun after going to college. Most of the other friends’ updates were glamorous too. I saw photos that looked like watching movies alone in their own places.
The guys who wore school uniforms with me just half a year ago were living as proper adults in dorms and their own places.
“So this is that alpha.”
The number of friends tagged in each photo was tremendous, and among them I found an ID with the name of the alpha I’d heard about in Jeongyeon’s phone call.
Seeing the affectionate photos they’d taken together, it seemed there had been progress in their relationship since then.
“They’re dating just fine even after kissing first, whatever…”
Looking at this, the order doesn’t seem to matter.
Looking at Jeongyeon, it seemed you didn’t necessarily need to know each other for a long time before carefully dating. Maybe it’s because Jeongwoo hyung-nim is from a different generation, but he doesn’t seem to date people that way.
I’ve known hyung-nim for quite a while too. But that fact doesn’t help me at all.
“Always just calling me a baby.”
I grumbled in a sigh-mixed voice.
I knew that Jeongwoo hyung-nim had an account on the SNS that was popular during his school days, but these days I know he doesn’t even create accounts.
Thinking anew about the generation gap between Jeongwoo hyung-nim and me, I thought yesterday’s incident might have been even more shocking to hyung-nim.
That’s why he said something that sounded like a teacher.
“Still, kissing is something you do with someone you love, Hajin-ah.”
I’d do that too if I could. That’s not possible, so that’s why, but hyung-nim doesn’t know anything…
Life not knowing when it’ll end, I had nowhere left to retreat. The curfew that suddenly appeared after last time was the same.
If I can’t play around like Jeongyeon because of the curfew while living with my parents, and can’t spend time with hyung-nim either, then there’s no reason for me to be here like this.
“…Why does hyung-nim keep interfering?”
Anyway, it seems like I’ve made a terrible impression on hyung-nim now. I don’t even have the confidence to face him right away. Even if time passes… I didn’t have that time to begin with.
The desire to live alone, which originally started because I wanted to avoid hyung-nim, was gradually becoming a necessity for my last freedom before death.
I was so upset that I’d been lying sprawled on the bed for five hours now. After taking a nap and checking all my friends’ glamorous feeds, there was nothing left to do with my phone.
A thunderous growling sound came from my stomach.
“Ah, I’m hungry.”
Outside, food smells were starting to waft again, as if they were already preparing dinner. Why of all days does it have to smell like samgyeopsal, my favorite?
My mind became hazy from the savory smell seeping through the door crack.
The savory smell seemed to directly knock on my stomach. Saliva pooled in my mouth. Having starved since morning, it felt like all the strength was draining from my body.
But my pride wouldn’t allow me to go out. If I readily went and ate dinner, my request to live alone might seem like meaningless whining.
As soon as I steeled my resolve like that, my stomach growled again.
“Ugh.”
This time the sound was louder and more desperate. I clutched my stomach and buried my face in the blanket. Could I really endure any longer?
More than Jeongyeon enjoying the glamorous dorm life on SNS, right now I craved the smell of grilled samgyeopsal more desperately.
“Hajin-ah! If you don’t come out now, dad’s going to eat all the samgyeopsal.”
The sound of dishes clinking from the living room, dad’s voice, and the sound of placing soup bowls on the table. Everything was torture.
I swallowed my pride and opened the door. After peeking my head out, my steps toward the living room were eventually heavy. It felt like going to surrender with a white flag.
When I sat back down at the dinner table, mom and dad pretended not to notice and placed a rice bowl in front of me. I also picked up my spoon without a word.
One spoonful, two spoonfuls, before I knew it the bowl was showing its bottom.
Why am I so frustrated when the food tastes this good? I gripped my chopsticks tightly and opened my mouth very carefully.
“Mom, Dad, my friends who live alone said…”
“Shh, stop. Just eat your food for now.”
“But—”
“Hajin-ah, mom doesn’t say things twice.”
I closed my mouth. This firm tone from mom meant she absolutely wouldn’t compromise.
“If it comes to it, I can tell Jeongwoo about this. Do you want to get scolded by hyung after so long?”
“…”
I got scolded by hyung-nim yesterday anyway. Mom doesn’t know anything.
Well, mom doesn’t know most of what’s happened to me recently.
Somehow, I was more afraid of mom and dad getting hurt than facing my illness. Even now I don’t have the courage to tell them, but mom doesn’t know my heart and only looks for Jeongwoo hyung-nim.
From then on, I ate in silence.
In the midst of being upset and sad, the taste of savory meat and vegetable side dishes lingered on the tip of my tongue. Even though home-cooked food was this delicious, I still desperately wanted to live alone.
But why did hyung-nim tell mom not to let me live alone? I’ve never even talked about living alone in front of hyung-nim.
My first attempt at living alone was blocked as soon as it started. By hyung-nim’s strong influence, and by mom and dad’s warm food. The time I held out firmly was just a short five or six hours.
Actually, my hunger strike wasn’t even a hunger strike. I just skipped one meal…
“Why, aren’t you eating more? You must have been hungry all day.”
“I’m okay…”
After finishing the meal, I got up from the table and entered my room listlessly.
Actually, I desperately wanted to leave the house entirely, but I didn’t have the confidence to go outside yet. Since it was the weekend, I was afraid I might run into hyung-nim on my way out.
Coming back to my room and taking out my charged phone, I could see new photos and stories that had been posted on SNS in the meantime.
A table piled with chicken bones, faces already starting to drink and laughing, free dorm life. Watching other people’s college lives that made me envious seemed to make me even hungrier.
‘I’m jealous.’
I wanted to live like that too before I died. Freely, in a place where no one interfered. In a place where I wouldn’t have to tremble while watching mom and dad’s faces as well as hyung-nim’s, unlike now.
And I belatedly discovered that Choi Jihwan had contacted me.
It was a reply to the groveling message I’d sent earlier apologizing for yesterday’s incident.
**English Choi Jihwan**
It’s okay lol as long as you got home safely
Oh right tomorrow during the day I’m meeting up with a few classmates to eat and game
Wanna come?
“Right. Jihwan lives alone too?”
It seemed like classmates living alone near school or in dorms often ate together even on weekends, and that was apparently tomorrow.
Suddenly, the bond between classmates living alone felt like an essential part of college life too.
“I want to go out, but…”
Having failed spectacularly at my hunger strike, I immediately typed a message.
Sounds good. Where should I go?
