[It’s been quite a while since we talked on the phone. I thought it was a dream because I was thinking about you too much.]
I fidgeted with my mouth for a moment, then closed it tight because I had nothing to say.
It was true that I hadn’t called Yoon hyung since we talked in the hospital room that day. I hesitated for a moment at the fact that after finally calling after so long, the story I had to tell wasn’t a good one.
However, after only a brief moment of contemplation, I opened my mouth.
“Hyung, why did you do that?”
[What?]
“The cover video.”
[Ah, the song was good. The lyrics were also really good, so I thought you wrote it as expected……]
“No, not that. Why did you promote it so big like that? We’re not even from the same agency.”
As I spoke, my voice gradually grew louder.
“Why did you do this without saying anything to me first?”
The reason I was this angry was that he had done this without giving me any prior notice.
“You don’t know how it looks to people when unrelated seniors from other agencies are pushing for us. What if weird rumors start?”
Another reason was that I was worried it might cause more harm to Yoon hyung instead by promoting the complete rookie Abyss.
On the surface, Abyss and Fort aren’t from the same agency and are just a junior group with some acquaintance. For such a group, Yoon hyung and Juno hyung, who hadn’t been doing any activities until now, moved, so there wouldn’t be no talk at all.
“Moreover, the fact that we ultimately can’t rise without someone’s help, this matter could hurt our members.”
[Jerim-ah.]
“Unimaginable rumors always somehow arise here, so I’m also worried about the Abyss members being hurt by those rumors.”
Lastly, I was worried about the members being hurt in their pride that they couldn’t chart on their own, and also worried about the backlash later if things go wrong because of the rumors derived from this matter.
[I think you’re misunderstanding. It’s not that the ranking is rising because of us. It’s all because your song is good—]
“I can see the ranking rising after hyung uploaded the video.”
[……]
“I’m really disappointed. You know I hate this kind of thing, hyung. What’s not right is not right.”
As I huffed and spat out my words, hyung became silent for a moment. I pressed my eye sockets hard with a tired face in that silence.
‘I’m just raising my voice for nothing.’
Actually, I didn’t mean to get this angry, but this was a matter that had to be addressed. Hyung was silent for a while, then soon let out a sigh and said.
[Wait a moment. I think I’m talking like an idiot right now. Let me drink some cold water to clear my head.]
Hyung drank water while holding the phone. The sound of hyung drinking water was loud, which was somewhat embarrassing, but now wasn’t the situation to care about such things, so I hardened my expression and waited to see what he would say.
[Actually, I did think you might take it that way.]
“You did this knowing that?”
[Yeah. I also thought you might get angry like this.]
“Hyung. I’m really very angry. But if you say it like that, I think I’ll get even angrier.”
At my words, silence came again, but soon Yoon hyung broke the silence and opened his mouth.
[We did it because we were more desperate.]
“……No, I don’t understand at all—”
[Will you listen to my excuse?]
I couldn’t understand what he meant by desperate and tried to ask hyung again, but was speechless at Yoon hyung’s following words.
[Remember our Fort days? We were so immersed that we almost lost ourselves, tied to work, activities, and practice with no time to rest, and we ran like that for 5 years.]
“……”
At the sudden story, I stood there dumbfounded, wondering why that story was coming up in this situation. Hyung continued speaking calmly.
[When everyone said they were envious and we were lucky, we laughed it off. But when you include all the rumors, incidents, and accidents, getting to that position was never easy.]
To others, Fort might look like a group that succeeded from the start, but in reality, the activities were never easy. No matter how much of Fort we were, of course there were downward trends during activities, and we suffered a lot mentally from being swept up in various rumors.
[To be honest, I don’t remember well how I acted or what I thought during those incidents and accidents back then. I think I forgot because it was too hard.]
Actions we had never done even once were distorted as things we did and we were beaten by the public. Things the members said were maliciously edited on broadcasts and caused a huge uproar on SNS.
Still, we smiled and performed activities the next day as if nothing had happened.
Then all sorts of harsh words became daggers, asking how we could smile even after such things happened, calling us ruthless and such, but the more that happened, we gritted our teeth and endured somehow, and crawled our way up like that. That position was a position we climbed to like that.
[We talked about this too when we were drinking after finishing the tour. All the hard times have passed well so far, and we don’t need to be as desperate as when we were rookies anymore, so let’s rest and do activities from now on.]
“……Yes. It was very hard. Especially Robi hyung’s drinking tolerance.”
[Right. You remember.]
I let out a sigh and decided to go along with the sudden change of topic.
After finishing tour activities, we didn’t go to a fancy bar or an expensive restaurant to celebrate. Everyone was tired, so we decided to have free time saying let’s rest or get drunk, and really strangely, even though we hadn’t promised, all the members returned to the dorm with alcohol as if we had made a promise.
[I think I drank a lifetime’s worth of alcohol back then.]
At that time, I bought a lot to drink with the members. But all the members must have had the same thought, because all five of us bought plenty of alcohol for everyone to drink together.
That occasion only ended after Robi hyung got drunk. Thinking back on it, I chuckled because it was funny, but it wasn’t even that long ago, yet it felt bitter because it seemed like something that happened a long time ago.
“……Everyone also said let’s go on a trip after the schedule ends.”
[Right. Of course, even though we said that, we were too busy at the end of the year to even rest…… But I was happy. There were that many people who loved and supported us, and I had never thought of becoming someone’s role model, but juniors who said they’d take us as role models appeared. It would have been a perfect life if we only had leisure.]
“……”
[But you lost everything when you died.]
However, even after climbing up so hard, collapsing was just a moment.
Death, I couldn’t do anything in front of it and collapsed.
[I’m greedy, so if I were in the same situation as you, I think I wouldn’t be able to sleep from regret. But you always had a face that said you had no lingering attachments. So maybe I got restless for nothing…… and wanted to see you smile brightly in your original place even just a little.]
“……”
[But if you strip it down, it might all just be good-looking excuses.]
He let out a self-deprecating laugh.
[I…… Right. You’re Fort who debuted with us, but I was a bit hurt because you kept pushing me away saying I’m a senior and we’re at different levels.]
“That’s.”
[There were also many times when you were unnecessarily conscious of me and acted that way because of reactions wondering why I, being from a different agency, have connections with the rookie Abyss’s Ka Jerim.]
Yoon hyung said in a bitter voice.
[If we were side by side like before, such talk wouldn’t arise, but since such talk keeps coming up, I guess I didn’t like that.]
“Hyung.”
[I won’t force you to climb up quickly from now on. But just don’t push me away. You never know when you might disappear.]
“……”
[Until then, I hope both you and I can do activities together without being conscious of each other.]
I closed my mouth tight.
[Just know that your ranking could rise because your song is good. So through this opportunity, if you achieve 1st place or more effects than that, I hope you’ll tell the members that it’s your skills.]
“……”
[Contact me again when you cool down. And sorry for acting rashly whatever it was.]
“……”
[I’m always rooting for you, our maknae.]
Click—
Like that, Yoon hyung’s phone call ended.
The words I was going to use to corner hyung had curled their tail before I knew it, and even the anger I had toward hyung disappeared without a trace.
I quietly stared at the disconnected phone and covered my face with my palm.
“How can I keep being angry when he talks like that……”
I felt like I was more in the wrong.
* * *
I took a deep breath, opened the door and went in, and saw the members sitting solemnly. Even when I came in, everyone didn’t turn around and just quietly looked at their phones, making me gulp.
“……Um.”
At my words, the members who had been sitting in a row all turned around and looked at me.
Everyone’s complexion didn’t look as good as before, so that sight made me unnecessarily more nervous.
I repeatedly opened and closed my lips, not knowing what to do from anxiety, and among the members watching me like that, Ma Doun was the first to shyly speak up.
“Thank you.”
At the unexpected word, I opened my eyes wide.
Looking closely, Ma Doun’s cheeks were flushed red, with an expression clearly excited. He said with a full smile on his face.
“If the sunbae-nims hadn’t helped, the song would have been buried without seeing the light of day.”
It was a personal guess, but I thought Ma Doun, who had high participation in the album, would rather dislike this situation, but he was actually happy.
“Are you okay with it?”
“Yeah. I like it. This is the first time so many people have listened to a song I worked on, so I feel really strange, but good.”
“Ah.”
“Thank you, Jerim-ah.”
Looking carefully at Doun’s face as he said that, I was relieved that it wasn’t happiness put on for show but a face that was truly grateful. Then Seon Hobeom also muttered gruffly.
“Honestly, I don’t know why that Go Yoon helped us. Anyway, tell him I’m, I’m grateful.”
“……Oh, yes.”
Seon Hobeom was sitting blankly with his mouth closed in a straight line, so I thought he was angry until just now, but I was surprised by the unexpected reaction.
